


Unravel Me.

by UnderTheCancerMoon



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, BECAUSE FRIENDSHIP IS THE BOND THAT TIES FOREVER, Ben Solos hair though, Best Friends, Breaking Up & Making Up, Character Death, Companionable Snark, Dinner Parties, Drunken Shenanigans, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fear of a broken heart, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hijinks & Shenanigans, I AM GOING TO RIP YOUR HEART OUT AND MAKE YOU QUESTION LOVE, I am done screaming, Jealousy, Karaoke, Lovers to Friends, Mutual Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Past Abuse, Phone Sex, Sexy Times, Tequila, This fic is gonna make you hurt and then celebrate, Unplanned Pregnancy, dance party, embarrassing sexual encounters with strangers in red lip stick, emotional sacrifice, fame and what comes with it, good food-good friends, hurting and healing, love-struck dummies, quiet orgasms, they fuuucc, they go through some shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2020-01-25 17:00:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 128,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18578743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnderTheCancerMoon/pseuds/UnderTheCancerMoon
Summary: When Rey starts working in a busy, popular restaurant, she has no idea that she is about to meet the people who will change her life forever.Rey and Ben push and pull their way through their 20's, experiencing the love, success, loss, and challenges that make life rich.Friendship, lots and lots of booze, laughter, good food, and a steamy secret romance.





	1. When We First Met

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How would you know the exact moment you met the love of your life?
> 
> “When we first met  
> Your hair was long and brown  
> You hadn't yet cut it all off  
> And now it's long once again, oh  
> Oh, it's long once again  
> As I kept track of every haircut that we ever had  
> I could, I could see how long it had been, oh  
> Oh, how long it had been  
> And this thought, made it clearer  
> I ought to be near her”
> 
> \- Hellogoodbye  
> [When We First Met](https://youtu.be/YXwYJyrKK5A)

The first time they met, she was 22 and he was 26.

On Rey’s first day at her new job, she arrived early - in uniform - ready for her training. Despite having a limited amount of cocktail and fine dining knowledge, her friend Rose had managed to give her the hookup, securing her four nights a week at an increasingly popular restaurant and cocktail bar.

Rose, having started in the restaurant industry as a hostess at the young age of 16, had worked her way up through the ranks of the restaurant, finally securing herself as the lead server. Her opinion was gold, and she gave Rey a glowing reference, knowing how quickly she’d adapt to the fast pace of the restaurant lifestyle.

Rey had struggled to find a proper women’s black button-down earlier that day and had to settle on a bigger men’s size. The fit was loose, and she was sure, unflattering.

Finn, her trainer for the day, looked back at her when she introduced herself, his dark eyes flat and unimpressed as they washed over her. He flipped his hand backward, lazily pointing over his shoulder. “Clock in over there,” he said, his eyes pausing at the crown of her head.

Rey’s friendly smile flickered as she snuck past him, clutching her coat awkwardly in front of her as if it could protect her.

“Ooo-kay…” she murmured to herself, trying desperately not to let the anxiety she was feeling soak through to her nerves. Reaching up with shaky fingers, she patted her hair. After a bad experiment with too much wine and boxed dye, she had accidentally colored it a deep shade of nearly blueish black. The shock from her natural mahogany to this inky monstrosity made her burst into tears and fall to her bathroom floor. Incredibly self-conscious because of it, she was worried about how it would make her look in her new, all black uniform.

 _Like a gothic nightmare._ She thought, punching her newly assigned work number.

“Rey!” She heard Rose squeal from behind her. She felt a rush of relief roll over her as she turned just in time to catch her small friend and her energy blasting hug. “This is so exciting! You are going to love it here, I promise. This totally beats retail,” Rose rubbed her thumb, pointer, and middle fingers together.  _“So much money,”_   she mouthed, rolling her eyes up to the ceiling.

She took a hold of Rey’s wrist and turned to Finn.

“I’m going to give her a quick tour,” she stated, starting to drag her away. Finn softly rolled his eyes and made another lazy hand gesture, as if to shoo them both away, turning back towards the bar. Rose practically bubbled over with excitement as she led Rey through the dining room, rattling off table numbers, seating positions, brought her to the hostess stand, then crashed through one of the swinging metal doors and into the loud and large kitchen.

“This is the dish pit,” she explained. “Scape your plates, stack like with like.” She reached up, bopping a small hand across a series of plastic racks for holding glassware over her head. “Pint glass, martini glass, water glass, wine glass, pilsner glass,” she pointed to two large 5-gallon buckets on the floor, “Dump bucket, shank bucket--”

“Shank bucket?” Rey repeated, as she looked back, Rose still pulling her quickly in the other direction.

“For broken glass. NEVER put broken glass in the trash!” Rey nodded, trying very much to retain everything she was being told.

“Right, okay.”

They walked into the belly of the kitchen, before them a city of scaffolded stainless-steel tables, shelving, and equipment.

Rey paused.

“Wow,” she said a little in awe. Rose smiled.

“We have a ten-man line. It’s legit,” she pointed to the small table in the corner. “Bread station, you get that yourself,” then she turned, pointing around the kitchen. “Prep station, sauté, grill, garde manger, dessert, and expo,” she paused for a moment. “You never talk to the cooks on the line during service, you only speak to the expo. He’s like the captain in the kitchen.” Then a wince flashed across her small features. “It’s rare that Chef Organa expo’s these days, it’s usually Solo back here and he’s…” she paused, her brown eyes flashing to the side in thought. “Just don’t take it personally.”

Rey looked to her friend and made a little ‘eek’ motion with her mouth.

Rose nodded. “Seriously, though,” she chewed her lip for a moment, her eyebrows pinching together briefly. “Actually, where is everyone?” She wondered out loud, looking around and then leading Rey through another door that led to a hallway, and then another door, which opened to the back alley of the restaurant.

Off to the side, around a large wooden platform that supported two dumpsters off the pavement - lounged a pack of men, in various stances, some crouched on milk crates, one or two on a metal folding chair - nearly all of them with a cigarette in hand or dangling from their lips.

“Hi guys!” Rose chirped into their newly quieted conversation. “This is Rey, it’s her first day and I got her this job here, so be nice to her, ok?”

One of the men, tall, thin with salt and pepper hair threading through his temples, made a face and shrugged. “Since when are we not nice to you girls, Rosie?”

A few chuckled and another nodded in Rey’s direction. “We’re a pack of purring pussycats, it’s Solo you gotta warn her about.”

“Already done,” Rose whispered, loudly and sarcastically, creating a series of smoke-addled chuckles to ripple through the group. As they retreated back into the building, Rey flashed a quick wave and a small smile back to her new co-workers.

“You’re really making me nervous about this Solo person,” she admitted as she followed Rose down a staircase that led to a series of walk-in coolers and a locker room, where she could store her things. Rose sighed and gave a little shrug. “Oh, Ben’s not that bad. He’s just… intense”. 

 

                                                                                                              ***

 

The sound of a plate shattering from the kitchen made her physically jump, as she fumbled her tongs, dropping the lemon she was using to garnish a drink. Finn sighed from beside her and shook his head.

“Early start tonight…” he murmured. “My brain can’t handle the drama today; will you be a doll and go check on the status of seat seven’s meal for me?”

Rey blinked back at him, mouth slightly agape before she nodded and nervously followed the path Rose had shown her earlier into the kitchen.

Once she entered the swinging doors, she was blasted by a wall of noise. The loud “whoosh” of the dishwasher, clanging of tongs and spoons clashing against sauté pans, dishes clattering together and loud voices speaking clearly in short, call and response dialect.

One voice boomed above the rest.

“Fire table 28. Jimmy, watch your sauce on the salmon, it’s looking loose tonight.”

“Yes, Chef.”

Rey tiptoed to the opening of the kitchen line, seeing the rag-tag crew from earlier, all suited up in sharp, black uniforms, covered by pinstriped black aprons. They bustled around behind the stainless-steel barrier, each one intent and focused on their task.

On her side of the line, hunched an imposing figure, head lowered, fists planted on the metal table before him. His raven hair was pulled back into a haphazard ponytail, the shorter strands at the bottom not quite fitting in, straying out along his collar. He was intensely focused on the yellow and white strips of paper before him, clipped into different levels on the stacked shelving.

“I need an ETA on the apps for fourteen,” he bellowed, not raising his head, as it went back and forth, doing another scan of the tickets before him. Someone called back “thirty seconds Chef”, to which he nodded and snatched a ticket that had just come out of the printer. He straightened himself up, at which time Rey noticed he was absolutely enormous and held the ticket before him.

“Fucking people”, he muttered shaking his head. He clipped the ticket at the end of a stack, shifting some others over in the process. “Okay, we got a gluten allergy on table six, and the motherfucker wants his steak medium plus,” he shook his head again and leaned an elbow into the window to look at the cook who was manning the grill. “Can you believe this shit? Five temperatures weren’t enough we had to make up new ones?”

By now Rey was nervously clutching her hands together in front of her as if in prayer. She cleared her throat.

“Excuse me,” she felt as though she had actually squeaked, but she wasn’t sure.

He looked back at her, arm still resting in the window. Rey felt herself jump slightly, as his deep caramel - _toffee maybe?_ -  eyes bore into hers. She wasn’t sure what she had expected when it came time for her to meet Ben Solo, but she found her face feeling hot as her eyes darted around his features. Furrowed brow, slightly larger nose, full and flushed lips which were currently hung open, an off-kilter chin and a smattering of beauty marks splashed across his face. He was disarmingly handsome.

His eyes ran over her with a confused look as he studied her quickly.

“Who are you?” he asked flatly, still not moving from his position.

Her face got hotter.

“I-I’m Rey. I’m training on the bar. With Finn. I’m Rose’s friend? It’s my first night. I, uh -" she stammered, hopelessly, wondering if she could physically fit under the reach-in cooler beside her.

Ben rolled his eyes, finally standing, and nodded his head in annoyance. He made a hand gesture as if to insist she hurry up.

“I don’t need your life story, Sweetheart. Tell me what you need.”

Her lip curled.

_Dick._

Suddenly completely unflustered, she steeled herself, lifting her chin.

“I need the status of seat seven at the bar.”

He had turned back to the window, wiping the rims on a series of plates.

“ETA on bar seven?” He boomed.

“Two minutes, Chef”.

Rey nodded and turned.

“Wait!” he called to her and she jumped slightly.

He was shaking his head. “Plates in the window. Full hands in, full hands out,” he said coolly.

Rey marched to the line and reached up grabbing two of the plates from the window. The printer sputtered out more tickets below her and she turned again towards the dining room.

“Wait,” he said shaking his head again and she paused, exasperated.

“What?”

“There are three plates, you only have two,” he gestured irritably towards her hands, then to the lone porkchop still resting in the window.

Now thoroughly embarrassed and wanting to slink off somewhere and die, she huffed, frustrated.

“I can only carry two.”

Ben eyed her; his expression unreadable save a gentle twitch under his left eye. He reached forward, taking one of the plates from her hand and putting it back in the window. He stepped beside her, and Rey was suddenly very much aware of his mass, his towering presence and the warmth of him. She swallowed as he took the other plate.

“Here,” he placed the plate back in her hand and repositioned her fingers, her thumb, and pinky finger now running along the top the plate, the remaining three fingers supporting the bottom. “Hold it there, and then rest the other plate on top,” he rumbled softly, eliciting a flood of something warm and liquid in her belly. He placed another plate centered over the heel of her hand, where it sat balanced and comfortably before he handed her the third plate for her now empty hand. He didn’t bother to look back at her when he did this, his attention already back on the tickets in the window.

“Table fourteen.”

She broke away, thankful to get out of the kitchen and away from the overwhelming presence that was Ben Solo.

 

                                                                                                                ***

 

Later, after the restaurant had closed, she stayed with Finn, as they counted the bar drawer and a few members of the restaurant hung around to have a drink after their shift. Rose eagerly beamed at her from across the bar, nearly bouncing in her seat, ready to hear the details of Rey’s night. Finn had finished up and was warily pulling on his jacket as he nodded to the bar.

“Go ahead, have a seat and a drink. You did a good job tonight.”

Rey’s eyebrows nearly knocked into her hairline. She had spent her entire night feeling like she was nothing but a nuisance to him.

He gave a small laugh. “I’m sorry, girl. I am cranky as hell and was hungover like a sonabitch today. I’ll be better tomorrow,” he waved his fingers and floated away from the bar. “Night-night, ya’ll.”

“Night!” Rey called back, sharing a secret and excited look with Rose.

“What should I drink?” she asked, looking back upon the shelves of bottles behind her.

“You can honestly have whatever, you just gotta pay for them if you decide to have more than one.”

Rey nodded and grabbed the neck of the Cabernet bottle.

“Wine it is then.”

From the kitchen, a handful of the cooks emerged, chatting amongst themselves before taking a seat on the stools along the bar.

“Stella.”

“Whatever IPA we got.”

“Guinness.”

“PLEASE!” Rose corrected, staring down the bar at them incredulously.

“Please,” they all muttered back to Rey in unison.

Rey laughed and began to pour the round. She heard the swinging door to the kitchen open again, followed by the snapping off of light switches. Ben Solo rounded the corner, clad in a black leather jacket, helmet tucked under his arm. He had changed out of his work checks and was sporting a very flattering pair of jeans.

She felt a flutter in the pit of her stomach as his lanky gate turned towards the bar. Their encounter was brief and admittedly unpleasant, but for some odd reason, she wanted him to sit at the bar. She wanted a better look at that face and its perfectly mismatched features. She felt a flush rise from her neck again and cursed herself.

One of the cooks leaned back and nodded towards Ben, “Staying for a beer tonight, boss?”

Ben reached back, pulling his hair from the confines of its tie. Locks of ebony waves rolled forward onto his face, which he then raked back with his hand. Rey was certain she was staring now but couldn’t force herself to look away.

“Not tonight, I’m on the bike,” he said tapping the top of the helmet for effect. His eyes flickered to her, then to the group at the bar. He gave a small smile and a slight, awkward bow as he backed away. “Night, all,” he gave a brief nod to Rose, “Rosie.” He looked back to Rey and gave her a finger point, before turning, “New girl.”

Rey watched his retreating back as he lifted the helmet over his head and exited through the main entrance. Eventually, her eyes dragged back to Rose, who had a small mischievous smile on her face.

“What?” Rey asked innocently. Rose shook her head.

“I didn’t say a word.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Inspiration for this chapter](https://youtu.be/9Ah4tW-k8Ao)


	2. We Belong Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tequila and karaoke forms bonds that can not be broken.
> 
> "Maybe it's a sign of weakness when I don't know what to say  
> Maybe I just wouldn't know what to do with my strength anyway  
> Have we become a habit? Do we distort the facts?  
> Now there's no looking forward  
> Now there's no turning back"
> 
> -Pat Benatar  
> [We Belong Together](https://youtu.be/qxZInIyOBXk)

Six months later, she dared to say she loved this job.

Rey had poured herself a drink, having already cashed out the register for the night and finished up her cleaning. Yet, she stayed behind the bar, sipping slowly, waiting for the rest of the staff to order their drinks.

This had become a sort of a ritual now. She would finish up and wait, eager to hear their stories about the night.

The horrible woman who complained it was too cold in the dining room and there wasn’t enough shrimp in her salad. The bad first date. The man who insisted on speaking to the manager but only to stroke his own ego. People who ordered water, lemon, and sugar, to make their own free lemonade at the table. She loved hearing about it all. It was the part of the night she yearned for. To listen, to belong. To be part of a tribe. A dysfunctional little family of misfits just trying to make a living serving people great food and drink.

Rose sat with a groan. She flopped her server book, which was wrapped in up her apron, on the stool beside her. She let her head fall dramatically into her folded arms on the bar. Head still down, she raised a forearm, single short index finger pointed to the ceiling.

“Barkeep,” her muffled voice could hardly be heard. “Your finest whiskey, neat.”

Rey laughed and poured her a drink- a touch more than she would a regular customer, and used her knuckles to slide it forward.

“Penny for your thoughts, pretty lady?” she had tried to evoke her best impression of a saloon master from the old west but was sure she failed miserably.

Rose raised her head and slouched back in her chair; face scrunched into a pout.

“These damn tourists are killing me,” she whined. She picked up her drink. Rey was certain she was going to fire it back and ask to buy another, but instead, she took a small sip.

Poe strode up to the bar and yanked out the chair next to Rose, casually reaching down and tossing her apron resting on the seat to the bar top in front her with a flick.

“My Rey of sunshine,” he schmoozed, grinning at her as he leaned in, tucking in the stool behind him.

Rey found herself smiling. She liked Poe. He was cocky, arrogant, inappropriate and everything she shouldn’t like, and yet, she found herself always grinning while he was around.

She slapped a cocktail napkin down in front of him, as she heard the familiar creak of the swinging kitchen door open and the snap of the five light switches into their off position.

Ben.

He rarely joined them in their nightly gathering. Either on his motorcycle, or with a prepared excuse to leave, he would gate up to the bar, say his goodbyes, and head out for the night. She sometimes wondered what he did with his nights. Did he just go home and watch the telly? Maybe he went to his girlfriend's house. Did he actually _have_ a girlfriend? Maybe he just went to another bar, finding the company of his coworkers unprofessional or irritating? 

In her time there, he had only joined them twice.

The first time was after he had a particularly ugly meltdown in the kitchen, which had caused the staff to walk on eggshells for the rest of service. When he had turned towards the bar at the end of the night, dark and terrifying, all the other occupants seated there watched him approach, stiff-backed and side-eyed. He roughly pulled out a stool and dropped onto it like a two-hundred-pound sack of potatoes.

Rey approached him, leaning before him, elbows on the bar, chin cradled in her hands.

“Rough night?” she asked genuinely.

He inhaled deeply, his eyes surveying hers cautiously, “You could say that.”

She reached forward and tapped the bar before him.

“I have just the thing!” she told him, turning away towards the bar well.

A few moments later, she returned with the most ridiculous looking cocktail imaginable. Hurricane glass, blue at the bottom, pink on top, garnished with a cherry, a slice of pineapple, an orange wheel AND a small green umbrella. She slid it in front of him, grinning.

His lips tucked into his mouth as he tried to suppress an unexpected smile. Finally, he broke and let out a small laugh.

“Where the fuck did you get a drink umbrella from?” he asked, pulling the drink towards him and taking a sip.

Rey lifted her shoulder nonchalantly.

“I’ve been saving it for a special occasion.”

The second time, a few weeks later, after another particularly rough night, when the computer system had crashed and the reach-in cooler decided to croak mid-shift, he took a seat at the bar next to Rose.

Once again, he pulled his hair out of the sloppy ponytail he entrapped it in during service, dragging a hand through it as he looked up at her.

Rey resisted the call of her buckling knees and the desire to collapse - despite her wandering and lusty imagination. Her middle school crush on Ben was a secret little fantasy she liked to indulge in occasionally, sometimes daydreaming about what it would be like to take a fist full of that hair in between her fingers.

So, maybe not middle school fantasy, then. Maybe a _little_ bit racier...

Rose was frowning, flicking a finger across her phone rapidly. He gave her screen a quick glance before he looked back to Rey.

“Rey, can I get a whiskey sour?”

She nodded, grabbing a shaker, “Do you want an egg white?”

“I wouldn’t do that to you,” he smirked, looking back to Rose and her phone.

Thankful for not having to break a sweat this late in the night, Rey started mixing his cocktail.

“Rosie,” Ben surveyed her, eyes slightly squinted, a shadow of a frown on his face. “What are you doing?”

Rose continued to flick; her disappointed face illuminated by the screen.

“Finn and Poe convinced me to join Tinder,” with a frown, she darkened her screen and dropped her hand to her lap. “I’m officially going to die alone,” she turned to him. “Have you ever tried Match or Plenty of Fish?”

“Mmm, no” he answered. His eyes raised to Rey’s, as she pushed his drink to him. “Thank you.”

Rose sighed. “What about you?” she asked Rey.

“No,” Rey started slowly, keenly aware of Ben’s gaze on her. She scrunched her nose, “It’s not really my thing.”

Poe had joined then, work shirt open, white undershirt exposed. He leaned over the bar on the other side of Rose.

“What is your thing?” Poe asked Rey with a smirk. “Sarcastic and devilishly handsome, omnisexual servers?” he raised an eyebrow.

She passed him a beer, “Definitely not.”

He grinned, “You never know if you don’t try.”

Giving a little eye roll, she shook her head.

“Rosie,” Poe turned to lift a lecturing finger towards her. “You gotta go out on a limb every once and a while. Give someone a shot you normally wouldn’t. You never know, you might actually end up happy,” he then shrugged, “Or at least you’ll get laid.”

Finn, who had come back behind the bar with a milk crate full of beers to stock, gave him a flat look, “Real nice.”

“You see,” Poe continued, pointedly ignoring him. “Sex is like ice cream,” he stated matter-of-factly. He moved from his corner spot, walking around Rose and standing between her and Ben, his elbows resting on the back of their chairs. “You don’t really know which one your favorite is until you’ve tried all the flavors.” He raised his bottle to his mouth and winked to Rey, as she shook her head again, sharing a brief, skeptical smile with Ben.

Poe leaned over, clapping a hand onto Ben’s back.

“Isn’t that right, you _big scoop of black raspberry swirl?_ ”

Ben choked on his drink, coughing out a surprised laugh as he wiped his chin with the back of his hand.

That was nearly two weeks ago.

Trying her best to pretend like she wasn’t always documenting every move Ben made from her peripheral vision, Rey focused on Poe.

“What are you drinking tonight?” she asked him, noticing from her perfected side vision that instead of taking his usual path towards them, then the door, Ben had gone into the restrooms adjacent to the kitchen entrance.

She then reminded herself she needed a better hobby than Ben-watching.

“Ehh,” Poe curled up his upper lip, eyeing the bottles of booze before him. “I dunno,” he flippantly waved a hand in her direction. “Dealers choice me something.”

The door to the men’s room opened and Ben Solo gaited to the bar, hair loose, wearing a black t-shirt under an open, button-down flannel. Her pulse spiked as he pulled out the stool next to Poe.

Rey hesitated, “You don’t have any sort of suggestion? Gin. Rum. Vodka?”

He grinned back at her like the Cheshire cat. “Yes. Any, or all of it.”

He clapped a hand over Ben’s broad shoulder, giving it a rough massage. “Benny! Killing it with the new menu changes man! I can sell the new salmon to a salmon fisherman and his wife!” He pinched his fingers together brought them to his mouth. “Muah!”

Rey was in the process of straining out the traditional gin gimlet into a frosted coupe in front of Poe, as she glanced over to Ben. “What can I get for you, Mr. Solo?”

She swore she saw a flush in his face as he leaned forward, nervously. “Ahh…” he began, eyes wandering the bar, then finally landing on her drink, resting beside the register.

“What are you drinking?”

“A dry Manhattan on the rocks.”

His mouth turned down at the corners and he gave an approving nod, “I think I’ll have the same.”

The sound of the kitchen door squealing again brought all their attention upwards and on Finn. Changed from his work clothes, he stood in a flattering pair of charcoal pants, black polished shoes, crisp white undershirt showing out of a comfortable looking coal sweater.

Rose’s mouth dropped open for effect.

“Calling all grown sexy men to the runway!”

Finn pretended to flip a lock of invisible hair over his shoulder, as he tossed his work bag to the floor, coming up to the bar and resting his elbows on the server station.

“Sis,” he said to Rey, as she poured Ben’s Manhattan over a large ice cube, into a rocks glass. She used a peeler to slick off the skin of a lemon, pinching it in half towards the drink, running the peel along the rim. He reached forward and clasped a soft, warm hand on her wrist. “I have a date tonight and I am all sorts of twitchy. Will you pour me something shaken with gin and elderflower and a little splash of lime, before I lose my courage and bow out?” Rey nodded, reassuringly tapping her hand over his, turning to bring the Manhattan to Ben.

She placed it before him, spying up at him through her eyelashes, but his attention was turned to Finn.

Ben was about to say something, but Poe spoke first.

“What is this, some kind of Tinder date thing?”

Oddly, Rey noticed his eyes stayed on Finn, although his face was turned towards her, causing him to take an awkward sort of half sip from his glass.

Finn cooled his eyes, glancing to her as she placed his drink before him. He pinched it by the stem of the glass, bringing the coupe to his full lips.

“Grindr, actually,” he murmured, his dark eyes shooting towards Poe over the brim of the glass.

Rey ricocheted a confused look to Rose first, who sat entrapped between the two, mouth agape, then to Ben, who was hunched over his drink, mirrored expression to hers on his face. Their eyes met, amber colliding into hazel before she heard the distinct sound of a coupe base hitting the wooden bar.

“Goodnight darlings,” Finn stated, turning his back to the bar with a wave of his knuckles, before shouldering his bag and exiting the guest entrance.

With his head still turned towards Finn’s exit, Poe reached into his server apron resting before him and slapped a $100 bill onto the bar.

“Sunshine, I want to buy a bottle of Espolon and whatever these fine friends want it mixed with.”

Unsure if that was okay, Rey’s eyes shifted to Ben, who was leaning far into his right shoulder, observing Poe with a grin, glass to his lips in his left hand. Sensing her, his eyes shifted over to meet hers over the rim of his drink. He seemed to huff out a laugh, before giving her a nod of approval and placing his almost empty glass onto the bar.

“It’s fine,” he told her shaking his head, his tone assuring. “You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.”

Her eyes raked across to Rose, small face grinning, eyebrows wiggling - urging her to stay. Poe eyebrow raised, drink in hand as if ready to cheers, then Ben, watching her as he tipped his head back, sculling his drink. She already knew this night was going to be trouble.

                                                                                                                 

                                                                                                                ***

 

Poe finished his drink, then picked up the empty bottle of tequila that rested between them. He eyed the bottom of the bottle, disapprovingly.

“Well, shit,” he thunked it back down onto the bar and glanced around to their empty glasses.

He turned to Rose first.

“Troy’s?” he asked, devilishly.

Rose rolled her head back, as if exhausted, then promptly snapped it back up.

“Okay!” she beamed, leaning into him to share a giggle.

Rey worried at her lip, as she looked down at her drink. She could take a cab home, no problem, but she was a little worried about—

“Ben, you in?” Poe asked, leaning over the corner of the bar, poking two fingers aggressively in Ben’s direction.

“Yeah,” Ben's eyes slid over to meet hers. “You comin’?” he asked the question muffled and distorted by the glass in his mouth.

"All for one and one for all, Sunshine!" Poe told her, pointing an extended finger from his raised arm.

Rey looked back at all three of them, suddenly aware of how rosy her cheeks felt. She scrunched up her nose and nodded.

“It’s official!” Poe slapped his hand on the bar. “Let’s go!”

 

                                                                                                                 ***

 

Troy’s, a small, loud little bar a block and a half from the restaurant, was in the basement of a hotel. Before they even reached the door, Rey saw the red light outside and heard the muffled music.

As they descended the steps to the entrance Poe punched his fist in the air. “Karaoke night, _yes!_ ” he opened the door, the loud music suddenly affronting them like hitting a wall.

It was dark. Really dark. The only lighting coming from the large television on the wall, displaying song lyrics, singular lit candles on each of the tables and a scattering of miscellaneously placed lava lamps. Rey immediately loved its weirdness.

They sat at a table. Poe slid across from her in the banquette, Ben next to her in his own chair, Rose to the left of her.

Her knee knocked against Ben’s as they sat.

“Sorry,” he rumbled to her sheepishly.

Poe dumped a huge binder before them, looking around the table with a finger raised.

“Casino karaoke,” he announced. Rose squealed and clapped eagerly.

Rey whispered over her shoulder to Rose, “What is that?”

Rose gripped her arm excitedly. “It’s so fun. Whoever pooped last, gets to pick who sings and the song they sing. Then the next person gets to pick their own person and what song they sing, etcetera.”

Rey felt her forehead furrow, “Who pooped last?”

Poe, book splayed open, ready to pick a song, pointed at Rey.

“When did you poop today?”

Suddenly not wanting to admit her own bodily functions, she stuttered.

“This morning.”

He pointed a concentrated finger to Ben.

“This morning.”

To Rose.

“I dunno, like noon.”

Poe frowned and nodded.

“Two hours ago. I win.”

Confused, Rey frowned.

“When we were at the bar?”

He looked up from the slip he was filling out and nodded.

“Gotta keep it regular, Sunshine. Here we go!” he announced, bounding up to the DJ. She turned to watch him. Under the table, her knee bumped into Ben’s again.

“Sorry,” she winced. The tequila was making her face hot and she was sure she was probably the color of a raspberry.

Ben offered a comforting smile, as he lumbered up from his seat, his big hand gently touching her shoulder. He excused himself from the table just as Poe returned. Poe slid back into the booth and drummed on the table.

He leaned forward.

“So, Sunshine, what’s your favorite flavor?” he quipped.

Rey’s spine shot rigid like a spike had been dawn through it.

“What?”

Poe gave her a sly side-eye with a lifted eyebrow. “You like vanilla? Rocky Road?” His mouth tipped at the corner, “Black Raspberry Swirl?”

Rey’s heart stopped. Her mouth fell open and she awkwardly stammered.

“I, uh- ”

Beside her, suddenly occupying Ben’s seat, Finn also raised an eyebrow.

“How ‘bout some double chocolate fudge?”

“ _Where the fuck did you come from?_ ” Rose shrieked before Rey could respond.

Suddenly grinning again, Poe looked at Finn, “Double chocolate fudge. One of my favorites.”

Finn blew him a little kiss at him, smugly, moving from Ben’s seat to sit beside him.

“Okay, it’s Rey’s chance on the microphone,” announced the DJ. Rey turned back to Poe, stunned.

“Really? I was your first roll in casino karaoke?”

Poe shrugged and smirked back at her, "Gotta break you in somehow."

Nervously, Rey approached the small karaoke platform, flashing a quick smile to the DJ as he handed her the mic.

It was gold plated and covered in rhinestones. Horrendously gaudy and she loved it. A spotlight flooded her and she winced slightly.

She breathed out her nervousness and turned to face the lyrics screen. When the title flashed before her, she looked back towards Poe with a grin. The opening notes floated from the speaker above and Rey nodded, ready to tackle the song.

 

_“Many times I tried to tell you,_

_Many times I cried alone,_

_Always I'm surprised how well you cut my feelings to the bone-”_

 

Off to her side, in Benvision, she noticed him standing with onlookers along the bar.

 

_“Don't want to leave you really,_

_I've invested too much time to give you up that easy_

_To the doubts that complicate your mind”_

 

Finding her groove in the song, she began to sway, raising her hand high up in the air and belting out the chorus to the best of her ability.

 

_“We belong to the light, we belong to the thunder,_

_We belong to the sound of the words we've both fallen under,_

_Whatever we deny or embrace for worse or for better-”_

 

                                                                                                                ***

 

Ben stood in a crowd at the bar, waiting for their beers.

He knew he was unable to control his grin, as he watched her move in the shitty bar spotlight below an obnoxious, swiveling disco ball light.

Her hair was pulled up in a messy bun high on her head, the same as it was throughout dinner service. Her earrings shifted and flashed next to her face, and she held the gaudy microphone close to her mouth, yet her smile was so bright, it outshined everything else.

Those gorgeous, almond-shaped eyes met his and Ben felt his insides go hollow as she sang,

 

_“We belong, we belong, we belong together.”_

 

                                                                                                                 ***

 

For the next round of beers, Rey made her way up to the bar, money in hand.

As she squeezed into an open space, she shared a brief, polite smile with a man leaning against the bar.

“Nice job on the song,” he told her, his eyes ran over her blatantly, which made her feel gross. She suddenly wished she was wearing something more loose-fitting.

She turned her head away from him, pointedly, “Thanks.”

His gaze remained unfazed and he leaned his shoulder closer to her. “Never seen you in here before. You’re gorgeous,” he very notably paused at the opening of her work shirt, the top of her camisole exposing a little bit of cleavage.

Rey squirmed, but finally caught the eye of the bartender.

“Can I get four Modello’s, please?”

She felt a hand around her waist and herself being pulled towards the stranger. Immediately she jerked back, her hands flying up to push him away.

“Don’t touch me!” she exclaimed, ready to rear her arm back and sock the guy square in the mouth. Before anything else could transpire, the creep was immediately jerked away from her. She watched his stunned expression being quickly pulled backward through the crowd as Ben Solo held him by the back of his collar. They disappeared through the exit, Ben returning a minute later, his face tight and stern.

His eyes were intense, black and sharp as he approached her.

“Are you okay?” he asked, dipping his head to look into her eyes.

Still stunned Rey blinked back at him, nodding, her mouth agape. “Y-yes. I’m fine,” she handed him his beer, which he immediately raised to his lips, taking a long pull from. She watched his adams apple bob lustfully and shook her head again, knocking herself out of her stunned stupor. “Did you just beat that guy up?”

Ben was still scowling as he looked around the room, “No, we just had some words about how to treat a lady.”

Despite herself, Rey felt a little bit of warmth in her chest, “Ben Solo, defender of honor and women’s autonomy.”

His face finally softened and he looked down at her with a warm smile. Her internal organs swooned as she handed him another beer to bring back to the table.

She still felt a little shaky when she took her seat, the events of the last few minutes catching up to her.

Throughout her life, she had occasionally been the target of unwanted gazes and caresses. Being in the foster care system, it wasn’t always warm and happy homes that opened their doors to wayward children. She had spent her entire teenage years in loose, baggy clothing, always hiding, never wanting to be seen. The less they noticed her, the better. If they forgot she a girl entirely, _even_ better.

Lost in her own thoughts, she hadn’t realized she had fallen silent, hands nervously turning the base of her beer on the table.

“Hey,” Ben said softly, leaning in to catch her gaze. With a small jump, her eyes met his, “You sure you’re okay?”

She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out, so she closed it and nodded instead.

He eyed her suspiciously, and she cleared her throat. “Just… lost in my own thoughts,” she gave him a flippant wave and a weak smile.

He seemed to be studying her features as if he could read her mind through them.

 _Trust me, you don’t want to see some of these_ , she thought, warily. He pointed to the door.

“Do you want me to find him and kick his ass? Cause I can _seriously_ do that.”

She laughed and shook her head.

“Hey, you two,” said Poe from across the table. “When you’re done eye banging each other, Rey still needs to pick a song.”

“Oh!” she exclaimed, diligently ignoring the “ _eye banging_ ” comment, feeling the heat in her cheeks again.

Ben coughed and shifted away from her in his seat. When did they move so close to each other anyway? She pulled the book in front of her and started searching, happy for a distraction. 

 

                                                                                                                ***

 

The next morning, she was wishing for the sweet release of death.

Head throbbing, stomach feeling like it could bubble up at any moment, she rolled over in bed and groaned. She grabbed her phone and started a group chat.

 

**REY: Someone put me out of my misery. Please.**

**FINN: Maybe next time ya’ll will think twice about drinking an entire bottle of tequila.**

**ROSE: I think I have brain damage. Whose damn idea was it to go to Troy’s anyway?**

**POE: (Selfie of him wearing sunglasses, holding a Bloody Mary)**

**POE: Amateurs.**

**BEN: I don’t think I’ve ever gotten nauseous from a picture before. Thanks for that.**

**POE: 👍**

 

Despite the searing pain behind her eyes, that felt like it was going to split her brain in half, Rey managed to smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [If you've ever wondered what it was like for restaurant people at the end of the night](https://youtu.be/TMZkukOB8Ig) this video is a classic.
> 
>  
> 
> [Also this, because it is just too goddamn funny... ](https://youtu.be/2auQ27XuPwY)


	3. Secret Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lake house, dangerous chicken, hide and seek, quiet desires.
> 
> "This very secret  
> That you're trying to conceal  
> Is the very same one  
> You're dying to reveal  
> Go tell her how you feel"
> 
> -Feist  
> [Secret Heart](https://youtu.be/qxxVbK6llY4)

She had been working at the restaurant for a little over a year when it finally happened.

They had been planning a party at Ben’s family lake house for a few weeks. Their gang, which had formed itself naturally over the course a year filled with after-work conversations and tequila-fueled karaoke sessions at Troy’s, brewed up the idea to have a staff appreciation party to celebrate the continued success of the restaurant.

The day of, Rey, Finn, Poe, and Rose all packed into Poe’s jeep and made the two-hour trip upstate.

Poe was a terribly reckless driver and by the time they rolled into the gravel driveway, Rey couldn’t wait to scramble out of the vehicle and kiss the ground.

“Wow,” Finn muttered, pulling up his sunglasses to survey the front-face of the Solo-Organa summer home. He was dressed in a fun, brightly colored Hawaiian styled shirt, and a pair of salmon boat shorts. Despite it being a little more whacky than Finn’s usual attire, she was sure it probably cost half her rent.

Rey had also splurged, treating herself to a new canary yellow two-piece, which she wore under a pair of white shorts and a half-buttoned, sleeveless denim-colored shirt. She swept her hair up into a ponytail, and turned beside the jeep, ready to help unload it.

Ascending the stone path that ran along a hill the house was built into, Ben approached them with a high-handed wave.

“Greetings!” he called out, six-pack in hand.

Rey smiled. He looked relaxed. Slightly sun-kissed, sunglasses hiding his eyes, that glorious head of hair - midnight and wavy. He wore red swimming shorts and a plain, blue striped t-shirt.

He grabbed Rose around the shoulders, planting a kiss on the top of her head with a _“MUAH!”_ , before reaching out to clap Finn on the back.

“What, no kiss for me?” quipped Poe.

Ben extended an arm out, “Get over here, you horny bastard!”

As they embraced, Rey laughed, pulling at her bag from the backseat. He was suddenly beside her - one large and warm hand gently resting on her hip, the other reaching past her to help. Butterflies erupted in her stomach. 

“I got it, Sweetheart,” he pulled her towards him briefly for a hug, then shouldered her bag, passing her the six-pack.

“Oh, lovely!” she gasped, taking one for herself then handing the pack over to Rose.

He paused, looking over her with a confused look. "So wait, you're _not_ goth?" he asked with a tilt of his head. 

She grinned, "Shut up."

He grinned too, looking back to the others. “I have meats smoking, the grill going and more beers waiting for you all on the deck,” he reached down, taking another bag, then picking up a cooler.

“I made deviled eggs!” Rose told him, excitedly.

“Jesus Christ with the deviled eggs…” Poe muttered, considering she had mentioned them exactly a hundred times on the car ride here.

After brief tour of the house, consisting of five bedrooms - four upstairs, one on the main floor, a kitchen and a wide living/dining area that featured floor to ceiling windows, facing out to the lake, Rey and Rose gathered with a bunch of the other staff members on spacious back deck, ready to eat.

Rey reclined into a deck chair, holding a plate of food in one hand, beer in the other.

“Remind me that I need to own my own wildly successful restaurant someday,” she said, voice muffled by a mouthful of potato salad.

“How ‘bout it,” Rose agreed, beside her, working her way down an ear of corn.

Down in the yard, on the small shore that surrounded the lake, the boys were gathered in a circle, talking.

Rey raised a flattened hand to her forehead to better block out the sun.

“I think the boys are going to go swimming,” she stated, shoveling a piece of chicken into her mouth. As she went for another bite, Ben lifted his shirt over his head, exposing sets of formed muscle. Arms, chest, stomach. Of course, she figured he had to have a nice body, even though 90% of the time it was covered by a conservative chef’s coat. She didn’t, however, expect to see it in this broad of daylight, with a mouth full of chicken. Rey inhaled a shocked gasp, plastering the chicken to the back of her throat, causing her to lean forward, coughing wildly.

Rose, who was also momentarily just as stunned by the sight, reached over to thump her on the back, “Are you okay?”

Airway clear, Rey nodded, still offering a few more coughs. Rose looked back to the water.

“Holy shit, it’s like he’s carved out of marble,” she admired softly, taking a bite out of her pulled pork sandwich. She shook her head, mouth full. “Rey, you gotta hit that.”

Now it was Rey’s turn to cough out her beer.

“Excuse me?” she guffawed; jaw dropped.

“Oh please, you have been thirsty for a tall drink of Solo from day one!”

Rey, looked around them, horrified, and shushed her.

“ _I have not._ ”

“Yeah, okay,” Rose’s eyes flicked upwards and she shook her head.

Rey squirmed in her chair a little, frowning. “Besides,” she began, cautiously. “Ben has never really seemed like he was interested in me like that.”

She looked back to Rose, who was staring back at her, unamused. “You’re joking, right?” she deadpanned.

“No?” Rey questioned, taking another bite of food, waiting for her friend to elaborate.

She watched as Rose closed her eyes beneath her rose-gold lenses and sighed deeply.

“Rey,” she leaned forward, eyes squinted into slits. “I have worked with Ben Solo for five years now,” she held up her little hand, fingers splayed out. “Five!” she emphasized. “It’s probably the same amount of times I saw him smile or to talk to anyone about anything other than food on plates. Then you come along and suddenly he’s sitting at the bar, actually coming out with us, making jokes... SMILING!” she stuck her fingers in the corners of her mouth and lifted them up into a grin. She nodded.

“Girl, you could get it,” she said firmly.

 

                                                                                                                ***

 

Ben stretched out in the center of the square dock that floated some 200 feet away from the shore. Finn was also sunning himself off to Ben’s right, as Poe stayed in the cool lake water. The sun beat down on them, already warming his wet skin and the wood beneath him. Everything about this day had been completely perfect. From the food to the weather, his slight buzz, to the breeze that was rolling across the water, tickling the hair on his arms.

Now if Poe would just shut the fuck up.

He was yammering on about something to do with the removal of seaweed from swim trunks when he suddenly stopped.

 _Finally_ , Ben thought with a sigh of relief.

“Ahh… sweet Rey of sunshine in a two-piece.”

Ben shot up, looking to the shore. Poe, his arms up on the side of the dock, rest of body in the water, grinned back at him and Ben was instantly aware that he had betrayed himself. He leaned back on arms extended behind him.

“You’re the worst,” he murmured to Poe, despite a smile tugging on his lips.

Poe gave a slight nod in agreement and shrugged.

“Why don’t you just make a move, Benny?” with that, he pushed himself up and out of the water, coming to sit at Ben’s side, dripping wet.

Finn, who was at the other end of the dock, gave a frustrated sigh.

“Will you two cows please stop moving around?” he shouted, irritably.

As usual, Poe ignored him, punching Ben in the arm. “Ask to put sunscreen on her back,” he raised his eyebrows, nodding. “That’ll work.”

“ _Benjamin_ , please do not take game advice from this man!” Fin warned, still unmoving from his rested spot.

“I’m not,” Ben said flatly, looking back to the house, as Rey and Rose made their way down the stone staircase carved into the hill, chatting and laughing. They stopped at a set of Adirondack chairs and started shucking off their clothing, completely oblivious to their audience on the dock. Rey shimmied out of her shorts, tossing them over the armrest of the chair, before reaching for the hem of her shirt. As she brought it over her head, Ben felt his pulse quicken, as her stomach caved and her back arched. He quickly looked away.

Poe continued to watch. “I am too old for her,” he murmured. He turned to Ben, “Does that make me a pervert?”

“Yes!” Ben and Finn both answered.

Poe’s eyes traveled down to Ben’s lap and he raised his eyebrows as if to call him a hypocrite.

 _Et tu Brute?_ Ben thought, looking down to see if his treacherous semi-erection was betraying him at this very moment. Mortified, Ben slammed the back of his arm into Poe’s stomach, as Poe erupted into a fit of chuckles, hands flying up in defense.

“No worries, Benny, I’m not into lemon sorbet right now, anyway,” he whispered as the girls swam towards the dock. It took Ben a moment to connect the reference before he shook his head.

Rey pulled herself up on folded arms, wiping water from her forehead.

“What are you guys talking about?”

“Dicks,” Poe answered.

“Seaweed,” Ben replied at the same time.

Her eyes shifted between the two, suspiciously.

She looked at Ben.

“Do you care if Rose and I take the jet ski for a spin?”

He motioned to the shore, “Help yourselves.”

Rose slapped a hand onto the dock, hair stuck over her eyes, sputtering.

“Ah, God!” She looked at Rey in exasperation. “You’re like a friggin’ dolphin for christ sakes!” her tiny hand patted on the wood of the dock. “Boys, help me up. I gotta catch my breath before I drown.”

 

                                                                                                               ***

 

At dusk, after the second round of food, they started a fire and nearly the whole party had found their way around it, relaxing, full and happy.

Ben talked for a little while with some of the line guys, then a handful of the servers, but inevitably, he always found his way back to the same four fools.

Poe, who had somehow acquired a joint, was dragging on it, laying behind Ben’s chair on his back and staring up at the sky.

“You can see so many more stars up here than you can back home,” he said, passing the pinched roll to Rose, who was sitting crossed-legged, head titled back. She took a hit, coughing a little.

“I don’t think I know a single constellation,” she said frowning and passed it to Finn, who leaned forward and passed it straight up to Ben, curling a lip and waving a hand in front of him to fan the smoke away.

Ben took a drag and wordlessly passed it to Rey, who was lounging in her chair, head tilted back, also looking up. She took a drag and immediately sputtered out a cough.

“Ugh, that tastes like shit,” she stood and returned it back to Poe.

“The more for me,” he hummed peacefully, placing it back between his lips.

Ben cradled his beer in his large hand, completely tranquil in the warm heat of the fire. He dropped his head back too. The stars were pretty amazing out here. They seemed to shine brighter, and you could always see more of them without the polluting light of civilization. He took a sip of beer which, unfortunately, had started to get warm. He tipped it all the way back, finishing it off in a few hearty gulps, ready to retrieve another. As if through psychic connection, Rey appeared before him, holding two.

“Exactly how many of these does it take to get you drunk anyway?” Rey quipped from above him. She offered it to him, holding it by the neck. Her hair, half-up, parts of it loose and still air drying from their swim, falling in soft waves on her shoulders. The orange light from the fire illuminated her features in a tender glow. She was still in her bathing suit top but wore a light blanket draped over her shoulders like a shawl. He felt a stirring feeling in his chest, as he reached up, accepting the beer and she dropped into her seat next to him. He smirked, sitting up and reaching over clink the neck of his bottle to hers.

“Why, you planning on taking advantage of me?” he kidded, kind of.

Half expecting a comment from Poe, he turned his head and realized the other three had disappeared.

She smiled into her bottle through pressed lips.

“No, just don’t want to drag your heavy ass back to the house if you pass out,” she paused and took a sip. “Full transparency, I will leave you out here.”

He shook his head and laughed, “Mean.”

“The meanest,” she agreed.

Rose ran up from behind them then, panting slightly.

“Hey guys, we’re gonna play hide and seek! Wanna join?”

“Hide and seek?” Rey questioned, shooting a doubting look to Ben.

“Oh, shut up, it’ll be fun!”

Again, Ben and Rey locked eyes, before she threw up her hands, with a shrug.

“Fuck it,” he agreed.

He stood, placing his beer into the holder on his seat. He felt a dizzying wave hit him and he realized that maybe he needed a break from the beers anyway.

 

                                                                                                                ***

 

He watched as Rey crept along the bushes that lined the edge of the yard.

“Rey!” He hissed, quietly.

She looked around but couldn’t see him. A second later, Ben quickly poked his head out from a black shadow alongside a crook in the building, looking around for a seeking Finn, then waving her over. Rey looked around for Finn too, making sure the coast was clear, before streaking across the yard.

She crashed into him gently, quietly giggling.

“I thought I was toast!” she whispered and he struggled to see her in the dark. He found himself grinning so wide his cheeks ached. Whoever suggested this game was a goddamn idiot and a genius. They heard Finn approaching and they giddily shushed each other, trying to still their laughter. It was apparent that the weed had given them a case of the “tee-hee’s”.

“I’m gonna find you, bitches!” Finn, hollered as he passed them, skulking by, looking around him for hiders. He looked right where she had been hiding before and Ben was glad that he had called her over.

They pressed together as he passed, ensuring no stray light betrayed them. Her breathing was still a little ragged from her run and he became very aware of her body pressed against his, her belly gently brushing him with each inhale, her breath hot through the fabric of his shirt. Her breasts slightly rose and fell raking softly against his chest.

“Come out, come out…” Finn called, almost past them now, but Ben’s attention was currently focused directly in front of him.

The heat coming from her body was warm and thrilling. She smelled like sunscreen and smoke, lemon peel and toasted summer skin. Frozen, he hoped she couldn’t feel his heart thundering in his chest.

Forgotten limbs started to come back to life, and he found himself clenching his hands. One of which happened to be pressed against Rey’s exposed stomach.

He heard her quick inhale, as his knuckles grazed her exposed skin, and then her breath stilled. He froze again, afraid to move. Finn had long passed them, but they stayed as they were, pressed against each other in the dark. Rey’s breath returned and she pressed her hands into his chest.

“Ben,” she whispered, and he swallowed hard.

“Yeah?”

Her hands rose higher up to his shoulders and he felt her shifting, rising to meet him.

His head was swimming as he brought his mouth down to meet hers, softly connecting in the dark. His hand, once fisted against her stomach, unclenched, fanning out across her hip.

They parted for a moment, before meeting again, this time hungrier. Her tongue parted his lips, exploring, and he complied, opening to a need for heat and want. His other hand had risen to wrap around the back of her neck, his thumb gently stroking her jaw. She tasted like beer and faint minty gum, and he moved his mouth over hers, wanting more, pushing harder. A mewl escaped from her, which caused him to break away.

She shivered under his fingers as someone in the distance shouted, “Olly Olly oxen free!”

They stood there, gasping into each other, neither able to read the other in the lack of light. He swallowed hard again and gently gripped her upper arms as if to brace her and himself.

“We should get back,” he said, still whispering for some reason.

He felt a shaky sigh escape her, then her nod, before she stepped back, the cool night air filling her absence from him.

 

                                                                                                                ***

 

Rey lay awake, staring at the exposed wooden beams of the cabin. On the level above her, someone moaned, and the floorboards creaked. She rolled to her side, and pressed her fingers to her ears, suddenly feeling like a voyeur.

The cabin itself was in a state of disarray. Beer bottles and cans randomly about, a full game of cards abandoned mid-deal. On the couch across from her, Jack, one of the line cooks, snored loudly, his head back and mouth open. She wasn’t sure how many people had decided to stay, only a handful of people were wise enough to either stop drinking at a reasonable hour or not drink at all. Rose was around somewhere, as were Finn and Poe, and… Ben.

She touched her lips and she thought about that kiss. Quiet, secret and soft. His mouth was exactly what she had imagined and the thought about it now made her feel hot and restless.

They had gone back to the fire as if nothing had happened. A minor awkwardness hung between them for a little while, before things seemed to return to normal. Rey questioned if she had just fantasized the kiss altogether.

Slowly, the group began to thin, leaving just her, Poe, Rose, Ben and a few other people lingering around.

Ben rose with a sigh. “I think I’m calling it,” he stated, tossing his empty beer bottle into a bin by the fire.

Her heart sank. She wasn’t sure why. It was almost as if she was hoping that if she held out long enough, it would be just the two of them out here. She was being silly.

“Goodnight,” she smiled up at him, pulling her blanket up around her shoulders.

He stood before her, half-bathed in the light of the fire and Rey wondered if she had seen anything so gorgeous before. A strong, statue of a man. Those jet locks loose and wavy, dipping into his eyes. He looked down at her and she struggled to read his features. His jaw worked slightly like he was perhaps struggling with something.

“There’s a washroom on the first floor, it’s right across from my room,” he stated, looking at her. Her gut hollowed out. He pulled his eyes away and looked to the others. “There’s extra blankets and towels in the hallway closet if anyone needs them, help yourself.”

“Goodnight, Benny,” Poe said, lifting his bottle in cheers. “Thanks for having us.”

Rey thought she felt Ben’s eyes on her again, but before she could meet them, he had turned, his figure leaving the warmth of the firelight and moving towards the lit house.

Part of her wanted to follow him in like a pathetic little puppy. Cling to his shirt sleeve, curl up on the end of his bed - if it just meant being close to him.

She laughed at herself, rolling again onto her back. Whatever activity happening above her had stopped and she jammed her pillow under her head. Was she seeing things that weren’t really there? Had he met her eyes with intent when he told her where he would be sleeping tonight? The tickling sensation in Rey’s stomach led her to believe so. She remembered his eyes on her and stirred uncomfortably.

Sitting up, she looked across the room to his closed door. She hadn’t heard any noise come from there since she had taken her spot up on the couch, but then again, she could hardly hear anything over Jack’s horrible choked breathes. She made a mental note to talk to him about that in the morning.

With a sigh, she tossed off her covers and headed towards the bathroom, pausing slightly near Ben’s door, straining to hear something.

Silence.

She slipped into the bathroom and stood before the mirror. Hazel eyes stared back at her.

_Am I doing this? Can I do this? Should I do this?_

She let out a controlled breath and nodded to herself.

“Fuck it," she whispered.

Before she knew it, she was in front of his door, her soft knuckled knock already rapping as she waited for what seemed like hours for any sound of stirring.

Finally, “Come in.”

She quietly pushed the door open, leaving behind the droning sound of Jack’s snores and entering the cool, quiet room.

It was small, the bed taking up nearly the whole thing. Her eyes adjusted to the low, dim lighting, and fixed on Ben Solo, his figure large, taking up half of the bed. She could tell from here that he was shirtless. She stood - stupid and speechless - in the doorway, suddenly questioning her plan altogether.

“Can't sleep?” he asked, his voice low and thick.

“Jack's snoring is awful," she started, then nervously added. "From the couch, the other couch... I was going to sleep outside, but this seemed like a better option.”

He chuckled and pulled up at the sheets beside him, “Get in.”

She padded across the room and pulled up the covers, slipping in her legs - the sheets feeling cool and comforting against them. She moved in close to Ben, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, the warmth he emitted pulling her in like quicksand.

He was still sluggish with sleep as he wrapped his arm underneath her head, cradling it on his bicep. His other hand spread out, searing hot across the slope of her waist.

Rey couldn’t breathe. She thought she might combust in his grip. He nuzzled at the top of her head with a deep sigh.

“You smell good.”

Rey looked up, her forehead brushing against his chin. “So do you,” she breathed.

He hummed and placed a warm, light kiss on her forehead. Then her left eyebrow. Then the bridge of her nose. Then the tip of her nose. Her cheek.

Rey’s eyes fluttered closed in anticipation. She prayed he couldn’t feel her treacherous heart thudding in her chest.

He nipped at her bottom lip, his hot palm moving down, fingers digging slightly into the flesh of her hip.

Rey felt weightless, dizzy from the adrenaline, the beer, and a massive rush of pheromones that were especially clouding her mind right now. His arm, resting under her, wrapped around her head, his fingertips gently brushing at her hair.

Feeling tight like a bowstring, Rey finally felt herself ready to release. In a surge of nerves and hormones, she finally let go. She plunged her hands into Ben’s hair, pulling him into her roughly. Her mouth worked against his greedily, taking what she wanted - demanding he return it. He did, suddenly revived and wide awake. Her hands left their grip on his locks to freely roam his body. First his broad shoulders, then the muscles in his back, his chest. She felt him shift, pressing his body slightly on top of hers. A jolt shot through her and a noise escaped from her mouth; mixed between and gasp and a cry.

His lips moved from her mouth to trail down her jaw, up to the patch of soft skin beside her ear. His breath was hot and came out in a stressed burst.

“Do you want this?”

 _Oh, fuck yes,_ she thought, her body alive and aching to be touched, her brain feeling like a free-floating balloon above herself. She nodded wordlessly, as he trailed down her collarbone, roughly pulling her shirt, up and over her head. His hot, hungry mouth found her nipple, his hand reaching up to pinch and caress her other breast.

Rey writhed on the sheets, her head tilting up. Her eyes slid shut as he lowered his hand towards the band of her shorts. Hand flat to her stomach, he inched it down until she felt him run a finger along her seam, then push into her folds. Jolted, like being touched by a live wire, she gasped. She was ready to be consumed, to be turned out and left boneless and exhausted. Her tired body begged for it.

As if sensing this, she felt her shorts being unceremoniously torn down, as she lifted her hips to accommodate. Then his blazing mouth was on her, quenchless and consuming. The shock of it caused her to sit up, to which he reached up and gently pressed her chest back down.

“Relax,” he murmured deeply, causing her insides to ripple. Her head fell back onto the pillow as she allowed herself to be swept away in the rush of sensations she was currently drowning in. She could feel everything welling up in her, building into a crescendo as she felt her body start to tense up. Her hands once again found their way into the waves of his thick hair and she tried her best not to completely suffocate him with her greed.

Then, as if knowing it would send her over the edge, she felt him press into her one, then two thick fingers and she cried out, bucking against him. Her hand flew to cover her mouth and she rode out her orgasm; Ben relentlessly continuing to lick and suck at her as she quickly became a trembling mess of nerves.

One. Then another, then another. The waves of pleasure kept coming, slamming her again as she blindly reached for a pillow to press to her face and scream into. She failed, somehow keeping her cries to whimpers. Quiet and between them.

Finally, when her legs felt like rubber, he relinquished, abandoning his post and slowly kissing his way from the inside of her thigh and over her stomach. Rey was limp, tingling from the aftershock, as he drew her into his strong arms again, and kissed the top of her head.

“Goodnight, Sweetheart.”

 

                                                                                                                ***

 

She woke in the morning deep in the white bedsheets, the sun turning them into a blinding lightbox. Pulling them off her, she sat up and looked over to see Ben awake and dressed, sitting beside her at a very small desk, jammed between the corner of the two walls and the bed. She hadn’t noticed it last night.

He was wearing his black-rimmed glasses, leaning back in a desk chair, sipping a steaming cup of coffee and scrolling through something on his laptop.

Unsure of if she wanted to die on the spot or fly from these sheets and jump onto his lap, Rey bundled the sheets around her and fell back into the mattress with a thud.

She felt his weight press in beside her before his head came to rest on her lap.

“Good morning,” he rumbled in a deliciously low voice that immediately brought flashes back from the night before.

She looked to the ceiling, unable to suppress her grin.

“Good morning,” she cooed, reaching down to brush her fingers through his hair.

“Not. _You_ ,” he remarked, curtly, then nuzzled his face deeper into her thighs.

Despite herself, she laughed, grabbing the pillow from beneath her head and playfully hitting him upside his head with it.

He sat up, grinning and fixed his crooked glasses, “Do you want some coffee?”

“Yes, please.”


	4. What You Don't Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey reflects on the time after her and Ben's first secret hook-up. The group confronts Ben over a secret he's been keeping from them and Ben finally musters up the nerve to ask Rey something he's been battling for months.
> 
> "The closer we get, oh  
> The less we need to show"
> 
> -Lianna La Havas  
> [What You Don't Do](https://youtu.be/DNLkD8QEnAM)

Months had passed and they never spoke about that night.

She had managed to slip out of the room - unnoticed by anyone else and join the other occupants of the house as they began to wake.

It was their little secret, which she held safe and close to her heart. She was certain Ben would never tell the others, and she wouldn’t breathe a word about it either. In a way, she kind of liked the idea of a covert hook-up, even though it appeared to be a one-time thing.

Their flirtation game, however, was still quite strong.

Rey thought it was cute how soft and thoughtful a big grumpy brute like Ben could be. He would buy her coffee on their shifts together, tease her relentlessly about her darkened hair (lighter now, but taking FOREVER to grow out), sneak her snacks from the kitchen, and always text her to make sure she made it home okay whenever they went out together.

In a weird way, he was almost like a big brother. A big brother she wanted to climb all over like a horny little spider monkey, but still.

This day, she breezed into the kitchen, lifting her sunglasses off her eyes to the top of her head. Her hair was down, which it rarely was, and she wore a black tank top, her work shirt tossed over her arm. He was standing at the expo station, head down, going over his food order list on a clipboard.

“Hey,” she breathed, coming to stand next to him. He didn’t look up but shifted a to go coffee cup across the counter to her. She smiled, taking it.

“Thank you. How was your day off?”

“Uneventful,” he murmured, finally looking up at her. A look flashed across his face and Rey’s hand flew up to touch her own.

“What?” She touched around, self-consciously.

“I’ve never seen you with your hair down before,” his eyes flickered around her head and to her shoulders. A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth, “Metal.” She gave him a playful punch to the arm.

“Wait a sec,” he told her, moving away to walk behind the line, to the range. He came back holding a saucepan and a spoon. “Try this.” He dipped the spoon in a creamy, yellow sauce, leaving the pan on the counter. He blew on the spoonful for a second, his other hand cupped beneath to catch any drippings, and moved it closer to Rey.

She leaned forward, very much aware of how erotic this felt to her and took the spoon in her mouth.

“Oh wow,” she moaned, closing her eyes and licking her lips. “I want to bathe in that.”

“Oh my _God,_ you two! Just _fuck_ already!” Poe shouted, exasperated, from the doorway to the kitchen.

“Open up, I’ll feed you too,” Ben told him playfully.

Poe approached them with a smug smile. “Not with a spoon though.”

Rey and Ben looked at each other flatly, “Dick joke.”

“Always,” Poe answered. “You never know when someone will take you up on it. Hey,” he tossed a glossy magazine onto the stainless-steel counter, then pointed down at it. “How long did you think you could keep this a secret?”

Ben winced and groaned, turning away from them.

“What is it?” Rey asked.

Poe was beaming. “Our Benny was nominated as one of the up and coming chefs by _Bite_ magazine."

Rey’s mouth dropped open and she looked over to Ben, who looked as if he would rather slap his hand flat on the grill than engage in this conversation.

“Ben!” She gasped, her smile huge and giddy. “That’s amazing! Congratulations!”

His hair was pulled back into his usual half ponytail he wore during service. She could see that his ears were burning red.

“It’s not really a big deal,” he muttered, folding his arms across himself.

"Not a big deal!" She exclaimed. "They sell that magazine in every grocery store across the country!" 

Ben's jaw worked uncomfortably, as he looked away.

“Aaand,” continued Poe, flipping open the book. “There’s pictures.”

“No,” Rey gasped, jumping over to the counter. Poe bit his lip and nodded, enthusiastically, flipping to find the page.

“What’s going on?” Rose asked, coming in through the back door.

“You’re late,” Ben told her plainly, although she knew he didn’t actually care.

Rose scrunched up her face and stuck her tongue out at him.

“Ben had a secret photoshoot and interview he tried to hide from us because he’s an amazing chef and he’s like totally famous now!” Rey spurted out in an excited stream.

Rose mouthed an impressed _‘Wow’_ back at Ben, giving him a wink, as she moved to stand beside the others.

When Poe finally found the spread, Rey nearly choked on her coffee.

The interview itself was three pages long, accompanied by absolutely dreamy, professional photos.

The first, on the left, was a full-page black and white photo of Ben looking broody and gorgeous. His dark eyes pleading up at her from the page. The next two, smaller, flanking the paragraphs of the interview were of him in his pristine black chef’s coat, arms folded, looking stern, below that, a snap of one of his signature dishes.

“Put that in your spank-bank, huh?” Poe whispered to her, and she turned to him, mouth hanging open.

On the next page was a candid shot of Ben in the service window, eyes intensely focused as he leaned in, dressing a plate. Two more pictures of signature dishes and then another candid shot of the kitchen guys mid-laugh, Ben in the center.

“Sounds like the interviewer had a bit of a thing for him too,” Poe continued. “For a food magazine, it sure went into detail about Chef Solo’s straining biceps and soft, kissable lips.”

“It says that!” shrieked Rey, incredulously, scanning the text rapidly.

“No,” Ben answered.

“Practically,” Poe teased.

The entrance to the kitchen flung open.

“BENJAMIN!” yelled Finn, waving a rolled-up magazine above his head. “Big Sexy, _whoooo_ , we gotta talk!”

He joined the group grinning, waving the magazine before him like a fan.

Ben closed his eyes as if saying a silent prayer to himself. He opened them again, surveying the expressions of his friends.

“Everyone,” he said coolly. “Get the hell out of my kitchen.”

 

                                                                                                               ***

 

The weeks following the _Bite_ interview were busy and full of inquiries about the young, talented chef.

Ben seemed like he wanted to crawl out of his own skin every time the feature was mentioned. Guests were constantly asking to speak with him, causing him to come out of the kitchen nightly - a brooding black mass trudging around the dining room. It was cruel, but Rey couldn’t help but snicker at his discomfort.

He certainly deserved the attention and adoration, even if he did hate it with every fiber of his being. She definitely noticed an increase of young, single women seating themselves at the bar lately. They’d come in, dressed in their best outfits, hair quaffed and perfumed, asking casually about the head chef as they sipped their cosmopolitans and fruity drinks. Ben, ever diligent in his cluelessness, remained blithe to it all.

One evening, early in the night, before the rush, he had come out to the bar to pour himself a club soda. The two women seated at the end of the bar noticeably perked up and Rey suppressed the urge to roll her eyes.

“Sweetheart,” he said, keeping his back to them and taking a long sip off his glass. Rey raised her eyebrows in response. She had grown to love when he used that nickname for her. “Are those two women attempting to get my attention?”

She grinned back at him, “Very much so.”

He let out a restrained sigh through his nostrils. “Fucking, _Bite,_ ” he grumbled into his glass.

He stepped out to walk past her, then stopped. Much to Rey’s shock, he leaned forward and planted a very blatant kiss onto her forehead. His lips were still cold, and a little wet from the sip on his drink.

The women immediately deflated and Rey was left stunned, furiously blushing, as Ben continued into the kitchen. She flew to the register screen, pretended to ring something in, giving herself a chance to let her face cool down and her heart to stop pounding.

_What in the actual fuck?_

Later when the shift was finally over and the drinks were poured and consumed, Rey waved goodbye to Poe and Rose from behind the bar, polishing the few remaining wine glasses for the night.

She had assumed Ben had managed to sneak out the back, perhaps the recourse of his actions earlier being too much for him to handle facing her again.

That awkward looming goober.

To her surprise, Rey heard the familiar groan of the kitchen door swing open, and the switches.

Ben rounded the corner, his eyes set, seemingly in deep thought. He came behind the bar, wordlessly, passing right by her and pouring himself a shot of bourbon, before immediately knocking it back. Rey shook her head.

“You know,” she started playfully, resting the polished glass on the shelf. “If you’re going to be back here, you could at least make yourself use- _mmpf_ -” she turned and collided into Ben, his mouth already on hers.

Shocked for the second time that day, it took her a moment to process what was actually happening, before she could respond in kind.

She relaxed backward, bumping into the bar, as he pressed into her. He towered over her, his hands reaching up and framing her face. She eagerly drank in the bourbon still on his lips. He broke away, their noses touching, his eyes flashing back and forth between hers.

“Come home with me.”

If the bar hadn’t been there to hold her up, she would be a gooey human puddle on the floor. She nodded dumbly, closing the gap between them again.

Her core felt like it was on fire as he grabbed her by the wrist, scooping up her purse as he passed, pulling her towards the door. He slapped the lighting panel, cutting the electricity to the restaurant and pushed open the exit door.

Rey stopped short when she saw his bike in the parking lot. “I’m not riding that thing.”

He reached into a compartment in the seat and handed her a helmet.

Then again, his mouth was crushing hers, tongue ravaging. She remembered, suddenly, what that tongue was capable of and physically shuddered.

“Ugh. Fuck. _Fine,_ ” she breathed heavily, backing away. She licked her lips and jammed the helmet onto her head.

Ben grinned smugly back, pulling on his own helmet and swinging a leg over the bike. Unsure of how to get on the damn thing Rey nearly kicked him in the back, as she struggled to get behind him.

With a roar, the beast of a machine started, and immediately she wondered how she was going to make it all the way to his place without soaking through her jeans. She gripped his waist tightly as they took off out of the lot.

It was the longest ten-minute ride of her life and by the time they parked outside of his apartment, she swore she was ready to let him bend her over the bike and take her right in the middle of the damn street.

They practically raced up the stairs and the moment the door closed behind them, he had her jacked-up against it, hand greedily kneading her breast from under her shirt, mouth doing dangerous things to the crook of her neck. He pressed his knee between her legs, and she ground against it shamelessly. He fumbled with the button of her pants, backing up slightly to see what he was doing. Rey slid a little back down to the floor, her breath ragged and heavy.

Ben knelt, yanking down her jeans and panties in a single, quick tug. He pushed them down her legs.

“Get these things off,” he growled.

She clumsily stepped out of them and kicked them off to the side. He pushed her back against the door and reached for her thigh.

“Ben,” she panted sheepishly. “I haven’t had a chance to-”

“I don’t fucking care,” his deep voice trembled her insides as he lifted her thigh up, immediately seizing what he had come there for.

She quivered and moaned, her body remembering his. One of her hands lowered, fingers raking into his hair, as the other steadied herself against the door.

The angle in which he was approaching her was something all on its own. Her head back, mouth open, she closed her eyes and cried out as the tension inside her began to build. His grip on her thigh tightened as he worked furiously over the bundle of nerves gathered in her clit. She was dangerously approaching the edge of her pleasure when she tugged gently on his hair. He paused in his work momentarily, breath heavy, his doe-eyes looking up to hers, quizzically. Rey had never seen anything so adorable and sexy in her entire life. It nearly shattered her.

“I need you to fuck me,” she gasped out, her eyes stern, demanding. “ _Right now,_ ” the command was practically a growl.

He stood, eyes still locked on hers, as he feverishly unbuttoned his pants, erection springing out as he pushed them down his hips. Rey’s eyes flickered down, subconsciously pressing herself back on the door and raising her leg just little; ready.

Her eyes flashed back to his, as he stepped forward, pulling up her knee and hitching it up on his hip. She immediately reached forward, taking a hold of him, huge and hard, impatiently guiding him inside of her. No ceremony, no pretense, no hesitation.

He pressed into her, filling her up, as she whined, her teeth biting down into the meat of his shoulder through his shirt.

“Holy shit,” he hissed into the hair beside her ear. Rey felt herself shift up, feet no longer touching the floor, as he pushed his hips deeper, filling her to the brim. She clawed at his shoulders and the back of his head, as he slammed her into the door. Delicious, pain, and pleasure racked her with each of his thrusts. It didn’t matter. She wanted more. She wanted him as deep inside her as he could go.

The noises coming from him were beast-like. Groaning, growling, deep-bellied huffs, all contributing to the wildness of the entire situation. He was ferocious, recklessly thundering into her, his hands firmly holding her into place. She felt euphoric, high and drunk on the energy rising from him and coming from within her own body.

He was kissing her again, when she climaxed, _hard_ , his mouth soaking up her unhinged sobs of fevered pleasure. His pacing increased, his forehead lowering to rest on her shoulder. With a grunt, his entire body trembled, and she felt his limbs stiffen around her. For a few seconds, he remained still, breathing heavily into her shoulder. He slid out of her, her thighs wet and quivering.

She began to slide back down the door, body feeling like one big limp mess. When her feet made contact with the floor, she wondered if her knees would give out. They held, even though Ben was still there to support her.

Ben raised his head, throwing it back, shaking his hair out of his eyes. He moved backward from her, finally unpinning her from the door. They both wobbled a little unsteady.

They stood, chests heaving, sweaty and disheveled, staring back at each other.

Then, suddenly, they both smiled and started to laugh. Ben reached forward, hugging her around the shoulders, planting a kiss on the crown of her head. He sighed.

“You hungry?”

 

                                                                                                               ***

 

They sat side by side on the couch, eating cereal. He would have loved to cook her a proper meal but considering he hadn’t really thought his plan through, his fridge was nearly empty. Also, considering he ate most of his meals at the restaurant, he rarely had anything in the pantry. Rey didn’t seem to care, exclaiming she hadn’t had Cocoa Puffs in years.

Ben had lent her a t-shirt and a pair of boxer-briefs. It was unsaid but assumed between them that she was staying the night.

She sat, crossed-legged, intensely leaning forward towards his television. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and then gestured towards the tv. “So stupid,” she shook her head. “They always run up the stairs. Always. That’s how you get killed!” She yelled towards the screen.

Ben, having also changed into a pair of his briefs and a plain white t-shirt, looked over to her and smiled. She was adorable. She pinched up her face, disapprovingly, scooping her spoon back into her cereal. He was already thinking about leaning over and kissing her again, pushing her down into the couch cushions.

It had been months since their secret kiss in the shadows, behind his family lake house. Since the night she slipped into bed with him and he had tasted her, making her cry out in the dark. He had not stopped thinking about that night, every night since.

Every time she stood close to him, he wanted to kiss her until he was drunk on her. There were a lot of times he was sure he wouldn’t be able to control himself. Like when she would flash him a sneaky grin, or when she would bite her lower lip in thought.

One day she stopped by to bring the group a round of iced coffees. She breezily swished by him in a pale, spaghetti strapped sundress and all he could think about was dragging his mouth over her shoulders, kneeling before her and pushing his big hands up her thighs. He had to hide in the office until she had left, not wanting to share the embarrassment that strained against the inside of his pants.

Another time she had come up behind him while he sat, running her fingers through his hair, her nails scratching deliciously across his scalp. He melted into a 6’2” man puddle at her fingertips. He wanted to pull her into his lap and ravish her; fuck the fact that they were sitting in the middle of Troy’s.

He liked that she touched him like that. Only him. There was an unspoken intimacy between them, each giving the other access to show physical affection freely. She thought nothing of occasionally reaching over to hold his hand or to tuck stray hair behind his ears. It was sweet, and he was afraid of ruining it. Just as much as he wanted to succumb to these urges, time and time again, she was still his friend. Bright and beautiful. The thought of sullying that terrified him to no end. What would he do if he lost her?

And then there was the offer. The big, looming blackness on the horizon, he was diligently avoiding eye contact with.

After the article in _Bite_ ran, he was getting a lot of attention. Wealthy owners swooping in, trying to bait him away with promises of higher salaries, better hours, better kitchens. The majority he wouldn’t bother to consider, perfectly content with how things currently were. Then, he was contacted by the legend himself - Leonard Snoke.

Ben was not one to get starstruck, but when he received an email from the representation of the world-renowned Master Chef, he had forgotten how to breathe. On the verge of passing out, he reread the message over and over.

An apprenticeship. A spot in Snoke’s kitchen, an opportunity to move to New York City, learn from the master directly, and a very, _very_ generous salary.

He had closed out the email and took a shaky breath. It was literally an opportunity that could change the course of his life. He wrote back, letting them know he was interested, and a few days later, he had taken the three-hour drive into the city.

Beside him, Rey reached forward, placing her empty bowl on the coffee table. She shifted in close to him, resting her head on his shoulder, curling her hand around his bicep. He also leaned forward, setting his bowl beside hers, then sat back deep into the couch, looping an arm around her shoulders. They enjoyed the movie for a while before she spoke.

“I don’t want this to make things weird between us,” she pulled her head from his shoulder and faced him.

Hazel eyes shone worriedly at him and he reached up to touch the side of her face.

“It doesn’t have to be if we don’t make it,” he offered. She lowered her eyes thoughtfully and brought her hands up to cup over his on the side of her face, looking like the most precious thing he had ever seen.

“I think-” she started hesitantly. “I think we need to establish some boundaries. To make sure our friendship stays intact.” He was watching her intently, the shift of emotions flashing through her features.

“What do you have in mind?” He asked her quietly, as they both dropped their hands. Her fingers nervously played with his in her lap.

“Well, we can’t really let anyone at work know, so there’s that,” Ben agreed with that one, having dumbly already risked his neck by showing her a public display of affection, in front of guests, no less. Although employee mingling was not forbidden, it was certainly not _encouraged_.

“Okay,” he agreed. “This stays between us.”

She nodded. “And, if at any point, one of us wants to cool things off, there’s no hurt feelings. We can be open and honest with each other.” He nodded. Seemed fair, although the way he was feeling right now, he wasn’t sure he’d ever want to cool things down with her.

“And if-” she bit her lip the way he liked and he reached up, dragging a thumb across it after she released it, wet and flushed. Her eyes shifted, suddenly seeming a little dazed. “If one of us ends up… going with someone else, we have to let the other know.” Her gaze shifted down to his mouth and she whispered, “Health reasons and whatnot.”

“Not an issue,” he stated, pulling her towards him. She was in his lap in an instant. He plunged his fingers into the hair at the back of her head, cradling it in his hands and she roiled on top of him. He bit that gorgeous bottom lip and she gasped into his mouth.

“This is a great idea,” she mumbled against his mouth, before breaking away to pull her shirt above her head. Ben immediately captured a budded nipple in his mouth with a ‘hmmm’ in agreement.

“Perfect,” Rey rasped.

 

                                                                                                                ***

 

The next day, after she was back in her own apartment, freshly showered, the sweat and stick and sweetness all washed from her skin, Rey flopped onto her bed, phone in hand.

Now, she knew she wasn’t really supposed to tell anyone, but still giddy from the events that transpired, she couldn’t resist the urge.

 

**REY: I have something I need to tell you. Promise not to judge me.**

**ROSE: OMG, don’t do this to me.**

**ROSE: What??**

**ROSE: Do you need bail money?**

 

Rey chuckled, rolling her eyes at Rose’s insane ability to send text messages like a maniac.

She took a deep breath.

 

**REY: I slept with Ben last night**

**ROSE: STOP**

**ROSE: SCREAMING! SO MUCH SCREAMING! OMG, OMG! I have so many questions!**

**ROSE: I can’t breathe!**

**ROSE: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!**

**ROSE: I need an inhaler, for real.**

**ROSE: Was it amazing?**

**ROSE: I bet it was amazing**

**ROSE: FUCK!**

**ROSE: He’s so strong. I bet he looks great naked.**

**ROSE: God. I seriously can’t stop screaming, I am not even kidding.**

**ROSE: I think my neighbors just called the police because they think I am being murdered.**

**ROSE: I knew it. I knew it was going to happen!**

**ROSE: It’s about time**

**ROSE: REYLO! IT’S HAPPENING!**

 

Rey frowned.

 

**REY: Wtf is REYLO?**

**ROSE: REY-LO. REY and Ben So-LO. Get it?**

**ROSE: Aw fuck, REY So-LO after you get married.**

**ROSE: REYLO FOREVER!!**

 

Rey laughed and tossed her phone onto the bed. Maybe she shouldn’t have told Rose after all...

She immediately snatched it back and frantically began to text.

 

**REY: Please don’t tell-**

**:NEW MESSAGE FROM POE-POE:**

**POE: 🍑🍆**

**POE: 👍**

**:NEW MESSAGE FROM FINNILICIOUS:**

**FINN: Details. Now.**

**FINN: Full description.**

**FINN: Length. Girth. Color. Taste.**

**FINN: ALL 👏🏿 OF 👏🏿 IT 👏🏿!!!**

 

Feeling like a traitor for breaking her own rule, she text Ben.

 

**REY: So I'm the worst secret keeper ever...**

 

A few seconds later, he responded.

**BEN: I was wondering why Dameron sent me: 🍦🍎🥒😜**

 

Rey huffed out a laugh and shook her head.

 

**REY: I’m sorry**

**BEN: They were bound to find out anyway**

**BEN: Nosey fucks.**

**BEN: How was the rest of your morning?**

 

Rey grinned, rolling to her back, phone in the air. She thought about the sleepy start of her morning with Ben’s kisses on her temple as he slowly pumped inside her, their fingers intertwining as he pressed her hand above her head. Goose flesh rose on her skin.

 

**REY: Not as great as the beginning of it**

**BEN: Same.**

**BEN: You are very distracting, even when you’re not here**

**REY: I will leave you alone then, get back to work!**

**BEN: That wasn't a complaint**

 

The doorbell to Rey’s apartment began ringing furiously. She scurried up, scrabbling to the intercom.

“What?” She asked, punching in the com button.

“REY!” Shouted Rose, her voice sounding small and tinny over the comm. “Why aren’t you answering my _messages_?! Let me in!”

Rey rolled her eyes, buzzing her in. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Bartending is fun, but still... this is accurate](https://youtu.be/r93R4A3ttuA)


	5. Jealous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is life like without Ben Solo?
> 
> "I'm jealous of the rain  
> That falls upon your skin  
> It's closer than my hands have been  
> I'm jealous of the rain  
> I'm jealous of the wind  
> That ripples through your clothes  
> It's closer than your shadow  
> Oh, I'm jealous of the wind"
> 
> -Labrinth  
> [Jealous](https://youtu.be/50VWOBi0VFs)

Nearly four months later, Rey lay awake, staring at a watermark on the ceiling of her new apartment. After years of living in cramped foster homes, many of which she had to share cramped rooms and bunk beds with multiple other kids - she was thrilled when she turned eighteen and was able to move into the world on her own. Unfortunately, that meant moving into yet another cramped space with multiple roommates.

Now, at twenty-four, for the first time ever, she was in her own apartment; alone. She had signed the lease, boxed up all her things, and with the help of Finn, Poe, Rose, and a few of the kitchen guys, moved everything she had into her own official living space in one single day. Truthfully, she didn’t really own that much, but as they all sat around her new living room, her supplying the pizza and beer for their labor like she had promised, she felt a little swell of pride in herself. She had done it. Despite the shitty circumstance’s life had handed to her, despite the odds that were against her, she had somehow made it. Surrounded by a cushion of people she considered family, who were willing to help her with anything.

But of course, like most things that related back to the restaurant these days, her thoughts drifted to Ben, or more so, his absence.

The weeks after his departure felt like a 6’2” hole had been blown out of the fabric of their establishment. An entire overwhelming and commanding presence - just gone. She wasn’t the only one who felt it, missed it. The kitchen guys often talked about him in fond remembrance, his notorious tempered meltdowns now reflected on in laughter and mythic like storylines.

Remember that time Solo ripped the apron off the server threatening to quit in the middle of service, telling him to “Get the fuck out”? _Classic._

How about the time Solo was so pissed he yanked the expo printer right off the line and threw it against the back wall, shattering it to pieces? _Epic._   

The end of the nights lost their excitement, knowing now that whenever she heard the sound of the kitchen door, there was no way it would be him appearing from around the corner.

The distinct way he could shift the atmosphere in the room was noticeably and agonizingly missing.

It helped that she still had the others. But much like the kitchen guys, they too often found themselves reflecting on events of the past or imagining how Ben would react in their current situation if he were there with them.

It was like a community in mourning.   

He wasn’t in contact as often as they might have expected, either. They understood, of course, that he had committed. He had vowed over the next few years of his life to Snoke, the dynasty, and the potential of his own career. They understood, really. But they missed him.

 _She_ missed him.

The ache she felt deep inside her was something she wanted nothing to do with. It was too familiar, too raw. Every time it began to fester, she tried to mentally blast it away, reaching out for something more positive to focus on, something more lighthearted, or a good memory.

Yet, it never fully faded. It was a feeling that had lived in her since she was a child.

The oily and stinking stain of abandonment.

Rey pushed herself out of bed and made her way to the kitchen for a glass of water. Her new apartment was a loft, her bedroom separated by a sliding barn-style door, the rest of the apartment, one big room. She had no idea how she was going to decorate it.

She stood at the kitchen counter and took a sip, looking around the dimly lit room.

Again, her thoughts slipped to Ben.

They had committed to not having it become a distraction at work, which immediately flew out the window the moment they both happened to enter the walk-in cooler at the same time. Hands in hair, groping and secrecy-charged make-out sessions in hidden areas of the restaurant became the norm. They would both agree it had to stop, then both willing participate at the next available opportunity.

It would only get them ready to tackle each other, _full force_ , after work.

Their first shift together again, after that first time she had gone home with him and they hadn’t even been able to make past the front door - had seemed normal, if it weren’t for the grinning smiles and knowing eyes of Poe and Rose. Finn had simply made mention of a “report” later, and then completely dropped it.

The restaurant closed, and the staff slowly trickled away, finally leaving the five of them. Poe looked around the group, radiant with his sly smile.

“So,” he began slowly, hardly able to contain himself. “How was everyone’s day off?”

The restaurant was dark every Monday, giving each staff member a proper day off, no matter their work schedule. Rey and Ben had gone home with each other that Saturday night, Ben returning to work on Sunday with Rey having the night off. This was the first time they were all here together after _“the event”._

Rey spoke first.

“Listen,” she stated firmly, looking around the group. “We’re all friends. What happened between Ben and I…” the heat in her face betrayed her, but she powered through. “It was a one-time thing. We decided to get it out of our systems. Just a little fun. A-and we’re…” she looked to Ben and gave a little shoulder lift. “Back to normal. Still friends.”

Ben looked back at her, the faintest hint of a smile on his face.

“Yeah,” he agreed, looking to the others. “Just friends.”

Rose shook her head and picked up her drink “Well, THAT’S disappointing!”

Poe eyed Ben eagerly. “I mean, we’re just friends so...?” he raised his hands suggestively in a shrug.

Rey had looked to Finn then, who was watching her silently, his dark eyes monitoring her features with a hint of feline smugness. He made just the briefest of movements, a slight narrowing of his eyes, that let Rey know, _he knew_ , she was absolutely full of shit.       

They had all parted ways separately that night and Rey had to admit she was a little disappointed. Maybe he thought she was serious? Maybe he agreed with what she had said?

Maybe it was for the best.

She had just opened the door to her own apartment when her phone dinged.

 

**:NEW MESSAGE FROM BEN:**

**BEN: Want company?**

 

That night, the first time she had ever brought someone home and the first time she had been embarrassingly told to _“shut the fuck up”_ by her roommate banging on the wall at 2 am - as she had Ben buried deep inside her, riding him like a rodeo bull - she decided she should probably start looking for her own place.

After that, they had gone to his place. Each time it was a little play they put on for the others, saying their goodbyes, parting ways, only to collide back together later in the night.

Rey’s body ached. She could feel bruised and sore and muscles burnt, and yet she would still welcome him into her - greedy and eager. She was starting to wonder if she was actually addicted to Ben Solo, when one night, after finishing inside of her, he fell onto the bed next to her, exhausted and heavy.

“I think you’re trying to kill me,” he confessed through ragged pants.

Her bare chest was heaving, as she lay on her back, smiling.

“We could take a break. Cool things off if you want,” she rolled her head to look at him.

He mirrored her, except facing the ceiling, chest rising and falling as he struggled to catch his breath. He raised an arm above his head and closed his eyes.

“No way,” a grin spread across his face. “I’ll just die a happy man.”   

Rey smiled at the memory. Every damn day there was something she wanted to share with him. Every day there was something that reminded her of him. It was like being haunted by a specter of someone still living.

The day he told her he was leaving, happened to be their day off, a Monday. She had awoken at his apartment and he greeted her with a smile from across the bed.

Never having been much of a morning person, she frowned, pressing the back of her hand to her forehead with a stretch.

“Were you watching me sleep?”

He hesitated. “Maybe.”   

She smiled, closing her eyes again, turning her face from him.

“Creepy,” she laughed.

He laughed too and shifted to plant a lingering set of kisses on her shoulder. “What are your plans for today?” he murmured against her skin.

She inhaled deeply, still groggy from sleep. “I dunno. Nothing special, maybe grocery shop, run some errands…”

He pressed his nose into her shoulder, paused, listening.

He reached up and dragged a finger along the hollow of her collarbone.

“Do you want to spend the day together?”

Rey felt a warmth spread through her, a smile mirroring it on her face. This man, what was he trying to do to her?

He raised his head to look at her and she looked back, into those deep, searching brown eyes and reached up, brushing some wayward black strands off his forehead.

“Okay.”

 

                                                                                                                ***

 

Ben sat in his small city apartment, looking out the window onto the lit street before him. He still wasn’t quite used to all the noise, all the people, all the relentless brightness. Even in the middle of the night, the city was awake, alive and glowing, somewhere, in some corner.

He was exhausted. He had walked into this apprenticeship knowing full well it was going to be a challenge. He willingly accepted the drain, the devotion.

Now, as he stood there, heavy eyes surveying the street, tired but wired brain not allowing him rest, he thought about her.

Rey.

He wondered how she was doing. Wondered if she ever stayed awake night and thought of him too.

That was selfish, he knew.

He was the one who left. He was the one that walked away from the perfect comfort of friends and a company and her ethereal presence to be here. She owed him nothing. Not a single thought in the night, not one passing hope of the future.

The day he had told her he was leaving; he knew he was going to tell her from the moment he woke up. He had watched her, still sleeping beside him, observing her dark lashes against her skin, the thin bridge of her small nose, the arch of her eyebrows. He had to tell her. He couldn’t wait any longer. It was unfair.

When she stirred awake, he asked if she wanted to spend the day together and she agreed.

She left, to shower and change, and he picked her up in his car an hour later.

She emerged from her apartment door, wearing a simple and flowing sky-blue dress, covered by a light cream jacket, a pair of chuck tailors on her feet. She slung the strap of her purse over her shoulder, bounded down the steps and approached the door smiling. Her hair was down, still a little damp, but air drying into soft, two-toned curls and he could smell the cleanliness of when she slipped into her seat.

Turning to him, she grinned.

“Shall we?”

First, they decided lunch was a priority. They went to a small café downtown, right across from the entrance of Troy’s, but may as well have been on another planet during the daytime. They sat outside, as the sun warmed them - sharing tapas, sipping dark and bitter espressos.

She told him a story about being thirteen and deciding she was going to run away to the States, to California, to be an actress. She made it as far as the bus station before her social worker picked her up, convincing her she should maybe start in the school musical first. He shared the story about when he was fourteen and his mother had forbidden him to touch her professional knives. He had, doing a poor job of cleaning them, and she had known right away. He tried to blame his father, to which his mother exclaimed, “Your father doesn’t know how to peel the plastic off a microwave dinner!” However, that was the singular event that led her into allowing him to study the culinary arts.

Rey had insisted on paying the bill, which he allowed if he could pay for dinner. That made her smile.  

They popped into a few stores close to the café, took a walk through a nearby park he never knew even existed that had a small duck pond and seasonal garden to tour. Next to a large bush of purple looking daisy’s, the plaque reading “aster novae-angliae”, she reached out, curling her small hand into his. She didn’t look at him, just continued to walk forward, gazing into the flowers.

He brought her to his favorite local market to pick up ingredients for dinner and they went back to his apartment.

Ben asked her all sorts of questions, suddenly realizing there was so much about her he didn’t know. He asked about her life in England, why she had come to the states, how she ended up where she did. She answered them all, some a little more hesitant than others. When he asked if she ever thought about finding her parents, she cringed, and he had wondered if he had gone too far.

“I used to think about it a lot when I was younger,” she said, tipping her face up to the sky. They were on the rooftop of his building, sitting on a blanket he had brought up, enjoying the cool breeze and sunshine. He had also brought up a pitcher of lemonade they had squeezed and mixed themselves down in his kitchen. She sighed. “I think at some point, the more I realized I could make it on my own, that I didn’t need them, didn’t need anyone, the desire to find them went away.”

Shifting her legs off to the side, she reached for the carafe holding the lemonade and poured herself some more. “For all I know they’ve moved on just like I have. That’s what I like to think, anyway. I hope they're out there somewhere, living their best lives. Hopefully, it was all worth it,” she muttered the last part into her drink as she took a sip.

He was saddened by her resolve but certainly understood.

“What about you? What’s the deal with you and your Mom?”

“Mmm,” he answered, lips curling into a tight smile. He was sitting crossed-legged across from her, rolling his empty glass in his hand. “My Mom…” he said, thoughtfully. “She’s the strongest woman I know. So smart, so talented, unbelievably hardworking. Everything she has she earned is through her own determination and sacrifice,” he raised his head to look at her. “But some sacrifices can’t be redeemed, no matter how long ago they happened.”

Staring back at him, she nodded, understanding.

When it was time to start dinner, he stood, offering her a hand to help her up.

Back in his kitchen, he asked her what she wanted to listen to and she said “90’s hip hop barbecue”, to which he happily obliged. They sang, poorly rapped and danced their way through cooking dinner (mostly him cooking, her doing the singing and dancing). Her rendition of _“Fantasy”_ was his particular favorite, as she mastered all singing and rapping parts, in different toned voices. As she was dancing around to _“Whoomp! (There it is)”_   while he stirred the risotto, she gasped.

“Next casino karaoke I am totally making Poe sing this!”

Somewhere in the middle of Ice Cube’s _“It Was a Good Day”_ , he felt her hands run up his back, over his shoulders, then drop around his waist. She swayed behind him to the song as he lowered the temperature on the range. One of her hands disappeared, then returned, snaking under his apron, between the material of his shirt and pants. Her palm crept beneath the elastic of his briefs, warm and soothing on his skin. He was already starting to get hard when she gripped him, running her hand along his growing length.

“Rey,” he warned, bracing himself on the counters that ran along the sides of the stove.

“Hmm?” She asked innocently. Her exposed hand still rested on his chest as she poked her head from under his arm to look at the stove, feigning cluelessness, deepening her second stroke on him below the apron.

He looked down at her from the corner of his eye, then closed them, tilting his face to the ceiling with a groan.

“God damn it, woman,” he whispered, his own hips betraying him, tensing with the motions of her hand.  

She snickered wickedly, deeply, and he felt it vibrate in her chest pressed against him.

“I always knew you were a witch,” he groaned, brows knitted together, head still tilted back.  

“Just don’t burn my dinner. I’ll give you a bad Yelp review.”

The ideas of “yelp”, “dinner”, ricochet through his mind, connecting with the reminder that he had to tell her the truth about what was going to happen. He was going to leave the restaurant, leave the state, leave her. Surely, he couldn’t do that in good conscience after she mercilessly made him cum in his own kitchen.

Ben inhaled, attempting to wriggle back from her grip. Not unnoticed, Rey’s hand stilled.

“That was a joke,” she said looking up at him, quizzically; cautious. Her hand began to slip away from him.

Still gripping the sides of the counters, Ben nodded. “I know, I just, ah,” he shook his head and glanced at her sideways again. “Maybe we should wait until after dinner.”

A teasing smile passed over her face.

“It didn’t _feel_ like you wanted to wait until after dinner…” she cooed, palm rubbing down gently caressing his stomach.

 “Rey!” he snapped, and she immediately withdrew herself from him completely. Taking a step back, she surveyed him carefully.

“What the fuck is going on?” she asked, quietly, evenly.

Reaching up, he pulled the lid off the pan that the salmon was searing in and switched off the rest of the burners. He was shaking his head, not because of her, but perhaps because of his own actions, his own denial of the cliff he knew he was standing on and staring down.

Jaw fixed, watching him, she turned and stabbed a finger at his phone, cutting the music.

“Don’t bullshit me, Ben Solo,” she told him in a threatening tone.

Ben felt as though his emotions were all scrabbling over each one, scratching and clawing, each one trying to take its place as the rightful occupant of the forefront.

He turned to her, her face was still set hard, eyes searching his for some kind of answer.

He sighed. “I wanted to tell you something over dinner. It’s-” he knew his eyes betrayed him as he watched hers shift from hard and suspicious, to soft, vulnerable. “It’s going to change things.”

“Oh,” she turned from him, arms suddenly gripping at each other for comfort. He watched her as she took a deep breath, eyes darting around the room as her mind was undoubtedly reeling.

He fixed both their plates and handed hers to her, which she took, head down, and made her way to the small, two-person table he had in the corner of his apartment.

They sat across from each other and she picked up her fork.

“Thank you for cooking me dinner,” she said, quietly.

He stared across the table from her, sadly. He watched her take a bite.

“It is good, at least?”

She smiled a little, taking another bite and muttered, “You already know it’s good.”

They ate together in silence for a few minutes before she put her fork down.

“Ben, this is killing me. Please just tell me. We promised each other… remember?” She looked at him, her expression worried and pleading, shoulders slumped.

He took a deep breath and rested his fork as well.

“A few weeks ago, I received an email. It was from the offices of the Master Chef Leonard Snoke." Rey’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. She picked her fork back up and continued to eat. He figured that was a good sign. “They were looking for an apprentice, someone who can possibly take over the dynasty when he retires,” her eyes widen a little as she chewed. “So, I went to New York to meet with them and…” he gave a small, nervous shrug. “I got the position.”

Rey stared back at him for a moment, computing the information. Her fork clattered to the floor as her hands flew to her mouth.

“Ben,” she whispered, her eyes flashing back and forth between his. Her head shook slightly before she dropped her hands to reveal a gorgeously huge smile. “That’s amazing! That’s incredible!” She laughed, jumping out of her chair to land in his lap. She kissed him all over his face, excitedly, and Ben felt a rush of relief wash over him.

“Oh my God,” she hugged him around the shoulders with a sigh. She pulled back, hands on his biceps, her arms extended.

“I thought you were going to tell me I had syphilis or something!”

“What!?”

She leaned in and hugged him again, resting her head on his shoulder. “Ugh, you were acting so weird and, we never really talked about… I mean, I have an implant, but we’ve been a little reckless and-” she raised her head to look at him again, hands covering both her checks. “I mean, who doesn’t want a kitchen handjob?”

He stared back at her, mouth open. “So, you thought I gave you an STI?” he said slowly.

“Well, _no_ , I just knew it had to be bad news, from how you were acting, it…” she shifted out of his lap to stand. She cupped his chin, and directed his face upward, brushing some hair off his forehead with the other. “I’m sorry. That was a stupid thing to say,” she leaned down and gave him a kiss.

To his own surprise, Ben found himself irritated. Not so much at the STI thing, which he felt was slightly insulting, but understandable. He found himself grated by her reaction. He had spent the last few weeks tying himself into knots, worrying about how she would take the news. Would she cry? Would she fly into a rage and beat on his chest? Would she throw plates and glasses at him, angry that he had started this thing between them, knowing full well he might have to leave? Instead, she just sat back in her seat, smiling at him. She was _happy_ for him, not sad that he would be going away from her. That was the best possible reaction, wasn’t it? He should be happy too. So, why wasn’t he?

“So, what’s the plan?” she asked, getting up to retrieve another fork.

He stabbed at his salmon, suddenly uninterested.

“I’m moving there at the beginning of next month.”

She stilled, hovering above her chair before slowly sitting down. “Oh,” she breathed. “That soon.”

Against his rational mind, he finally felt a twinge of satisfaction. She was finally realizing what it meant. Finally understanding that this was going to change whatever was happening between them.

Rey continued to eat as a shadow of a frown veiled her features.

“Did you know, when you asked me to come home with you that night?” her eyes raised to meet his, questioning.

Suddenly feeling body-slammed by guilt, he had to look away. He nodded. He could feel her held gaze on him, before she looked back down to her plate, scooping some risotto onto her fork.

“That was pretty shitty,” she muttered.

 _Fuck._ Ben sighed.

“I probably wouldn’t have had the nerve to do it otherwise,” he told her, honestly.

Truthfully, it took all of his courage to kiss her again that night. But he had to. He had to know if she felt the same, had to know if she was also being slowly driven insane by lust-filled thoughts and adoring fantasies. He had to take the risk. Had to feel her lips again, taste her, know what it felt like to be inside of her. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he didn’t take the chance.

She gave him a small smile.

“Well,” she said with a sigh. “We have a lot of work to do in the next twenty days, Mr. Solo.”  

And then gave him a glorious grin that made his heart swell.

Later that night, when he was on top of her, fully sheathed inside her, he bent back one of her legs, throwing it over his shoulder. He pushed into her, and when she cried out - he knew it was from a hint of pain.

“Ben!” she sat up a little, resting on her elbows. He reached forward to cradle the back of her head, fingers finding the hair there and bunching into a fist with a tug. She gave another small yelp, her mouth open, gasping, eyes flashing over his face, searching.

“You know I can take whatever I want,” he growled, pushing into her again, causing her to cry once more.

She gritted her teeth, chest heaving as she looked back at him in the dark. Her hips rocked towards him with force and he detected a shadow of a grin. She panted out, “I’m not giving you anything.”

He lowered his mouth to her neck and dug in his teeth, as she too fisted up the hair at the back of his head, using it for leverage. He felt her bucking and quivering around him, as the muscles in her thighs and buttocks worked greedily to consume him.

“We’ll see,” he grunted in a challenge.

The next morning, as she cursed at him, covering her neck with multiple layers of concealer, they agreed on the safe word “Buttercup.”        

Ben ran a heavy hand down his tired face. His wandering mind was not helping with his lack of sleep. He was getting more restless, the more he thought about her. He grabbed his phone.

 

**BEN: Long shot. Are you awake?**

 

Within a minute, she responded.

 

**REY: Unfortunately**

 

He felt a warm wave wash over him and his lips tipped up into a smile.

 

**BEN: How are you?**

**REY: Same. Nothing new. You?**

 

 _Exhausted, drained, emotionally detached from all civilization and wondering what the fuck I am doing_ , he thought, but instead wrote:

 

**BEN: This is a lot more difficult than I imagined**

**REY: I believe that**

**REY: Just remember why you are doing it**

**REY: It’ll be worth it in the end**

 

He stared at that last message, hoping it was true.

 

**REY: Send me a picture of your new city view**

 

Ben stood up and crossed his apartment, over to the best city-facing window. He opened it, leaned outside and took a picture, sending it to her.

 

**REY: Not too shabby**

 

Ben paused, hesitant to type what he wanted. Finally, he did.

 

**BEN: Send me a picture of you**

 

A few minutes passed.

 

**:NEW PICTURE FROM REY:**

 

He opened it and the breath rung out of him. She had taken it as if he were laying beside her, her head resting on the pillow, facing towards his side of the bed. Her hair was down, loose and pretty around her face and shoulders, her eyes soft - sleepy. A faint, sad smile on her lips. Her breast exposed at the bottom.

He closed his eyes with a sigh.

 

**BEN: That’s a much better view than any city**

**REY: I even kept the boob in there so you better not show it to anyone else!**

 

Ben laughed.

 

**BEN: Never. It's all mine**

**REY: I miss you**

 

Ben felt his jaw working as he tried to fight the overwhelming feeling that he might actually cry.

 

**BEN: I miss you**

**REY: I think I might be able to sleep better knowing that**

**REY: Goodnight Ben. Xoxo**

**BEN: Goodnight Sweetheart**


	6. To Make You Feel My Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey finally graduates and Ben returns for the weekend to help her celebrate properly.
> 
> "The storms are raging on the rolling sea  
> And on the highway of regret  
> The winds of change are blowing wild and free  
> You ain't seen nothing like me yet"
> 
> -Garth Brooks  
> [To Make You Feel My Love](https://youtu.be/-FlSP0wsF5U)

The day had finally come. She sat in the chair, dark cape fastening around her neck, covering her body nearly head to toe. She vaguely wondered if her face always looked so washed out, sallow and gaunt, or if it was just the poor lighting in the salon.

“All of it?” the woman behind her asked. She gently tossed Rey’s long, two-toned hair to the front of her shoulders. “I could soften the blend, maybe—"

“All of it,” Rey interrupted her. “I want it all gone.”

                                                   

                                                                                                                ***

 

For her graduation, they were blessed with an especially cheery and perfect sunny day. Rey nervously tugged at her black cap, brushing a fretting hand over the back of her newly exposed neck. Her new haircut had cropped her hair all the way up to a few inches off her shoulders. It felt light, freeing, as it moved around in the slight breeze present that day. Gone were the muddled dark tones she had irritatingly tolerated in her reflection for almost two years. All that was left was a mop of healthy, shining mahogany waves.  

She had no reason to be nervous, really. Yet a creeping feeling in the pit of her stomach would not go away. She was worried no one would come. Unlike many of her fellow students, Rey did not have any family to invite, so her guest list consisted of just four people, one of which she already knew was not going to make it. She paced nervously on the campus grass, watching as those around her reunited with excitement, greeting their family members with laughter and hugs. She wrung her hands nervously, eyes darting around in search of familiar faces.

She had a familiar trickling feeling of dread, reminded of a play she performed in her year six. Remembering the empty seats in the audience as no one from the foster home she was in had bothered to come. They never showed up at all, and she had to get a ride home from her music teacher that night.   

“Rey!”

She looked up to see Rose wildly waving her hand as high as it could go. She was wearing a pretty floral dress, newly grown out hair looking lacquered and gorgeous. Poe and Finn trailed behind her. Rey decompressed, letting out a bodily sigh of relief, finally able to smile. She moved forward into their rushing embraces.

“You did it!” Rose squealed, giving a little bounce.

“God, it felt like it took forever to get here,” Rey said, at last relaxed.

Finn, who was dressed in a crisp white shirt, sharp black sunglasses over his eyes, lifted up a gift bag, inside of which was a bottle of tequila and a small stack of Dixie cups. “I brought provisions,” he said seriously.

She laughed, suddenly overjoyed and reached forward to give him another hug.

“I’m so glad you guys could come. Thank you!”

Finn gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, while Poe reached forward to grip her shoulder.

“Wouldn’t miss it, Sunshine. We’re proud of you.”

It wasn’t often that Poe made a statement that wasn’t followed up by a proposition or comment about genitals. Rey was oddly touched. She smiled and leaned in for a hug, resting her head on his shoulder as he gave her arm a soothing rub. Every ounce of nervousness she had was washed away by comfort and contentment. Finn passed her a Dixie cup of tequila and she cheered her friends.

They announced the ceremony was about to begin and graduates needed to gather in the lobby of the college.

Rey gave rushed goodbyes, excited to meet up with them again after the ceremony. She hurried across the lawn, careful not to slip and sink into the grass, as she was still a little shaky on her new pair of espadrilles. She reached her fellow classmates, beaming. Turning and briefly looking out towards the parking lot she was just in time to see the lumbering figure of Ben Solo, dressed in a sharp black suit, Ray-Bans on, cresting the hill that led to the college. In his hand, hung a bouquet of flowers.

For a moment, she forgot how to breathe.

Rey felt a feeling in her chest she could only describe as a sunburst. Her face felt like it was going to split in two from her smile, despite the tears that started to prick her eyes.

He had made it.  

 

                                                                                                               ***

 

As if he had some kind of internal, clown-seeking GPS, Ben managed to find the others quite easily in the large and crowded auditorium. They were posted up in the back, forever the rebel-cool kids.

Upon seeing him, Rose made a feral squealing noise, leaping from her seat to entrap him in a waist crushing hug.

Ben laughed. Awkwardly, yet sincerely, he bent at his side to return the hug. “So little, but so strong,” he grunted.

“Just in time, Big Sexy,” Finn said, handing him a Dixie cup, giving him an air kiss to the side of the face as Ben leaned down to accept it.

Frowning, Ben sniffed the contents, then shook his head.

“You people,” he grinned, nonetheless tipping the small paper cup and drinking the contents.

“Admit it, you miss us,” Poe reached up and clapped him on the back. “You look good, friend. How is New York treating you?”

He didn’t want to talk about New York. Didn’t even want to think about it. He was miles away from Snoke, that brown-nosing weasel, Hux, and that battle-ax of a twat, Phasma. Fuck them and that festering city.

He shook his head and waved the question away like an annoying insect.

“Fine. What about you guys, what’s new?”

“I have a boyfriend!” Rose piped up.

Finn and Poe rolled their eyes in unison, suddenly slouching as if boneless. Rose already had her phone out, pictures ready, as he reclined into his seat and the ceremony began.

 

                                                                                                               ***

 

Later, after dinner in a Mexican restaurant where Rose bribed a mariachi band to play for Rey, they made their way downtown to Troy’s for karaoke. On the walk, they laughed loud, stumbling slightly - a little from the margaritas - a little from the heady joy they all felt being together again.

Poe and Rose skipped forward, singing and shimmying to their own version of _"Rock Lobster"_ , as Finn followed behind, diligently texting on his phone. Rey and Ben took up the rear, smiling, Ben still swinging her flowers in one of his hands.

With the other he reached out, catching hers to hold. He brought it up to his mouth and held it there for a kiss. His eyes were soft and happy and made her insides feel like warm honey. She grinned back, and bumped his shoulder slightly, resting her head on it, curling her fingers gently around his arm. She was so happy he had come she didn’t quite have the right words to describe the feelings that were humming through her veins. It felt good to have him back. Like everything was set right again, even just for a few hours.

Down the street, they heard a joyous shout of _“ROCK LOBSTER!”_   followed by boisterous, borderline mad laughter.

Inside the dimly lit bar, Poe immediately ordered a round of tequila shots, as Rose poured over the huge binder of songs to choose from.

“Maybe I’ll get down to some BEY-yon-SAY!” Rose yelled, rocking her shoulders back and forth.

Her friends were definitely drunk but Rey laughed wholeheartedly.

“What about Aretha Franklin?” Rey offered, pointing to a song.

“Bitch, you _better_ not,” said Finn from over his phone, which warranted a roar of laughter from the table.

Poe slammed his book closed with authority. “I’ve got it! I’ve got the _perfect_ song!” He turned to the rest of the bar, “You can all go home now!” He laughed and crashed back down into his seat, furiously filling out his song on a slip of paper. He roughly grabbed Ben at the shoulder. “Gonna need you for back up on this one, Benny.”

“Oh, Christ,” Ben grumbled.

They did a roaring duet of _“Total Eclipse of the Heart”_   that had Rey’s face streaming with tears. Ben’s deep bass singing _“turn around bright eyes”_ contrasting Poe’s admittedly amazing and enthusiastic showmanship was beyond spectacular. The man worked a karaoke stage like he was channeling Freddy Mercury.

This was then followed by Finn’s ultra-dramatic version of  _“MacArthur Park”_ , a round of beers, Rey and Rose sharing the spotlight for a horribly choreographed _“Dancing Queen”_ , and another damn round of tequila shots. Slyly pushing her shot to the side and opting for water instead, Rey wondered if she had ever laughed so much in a single night.

As they all swayed appreciatingly to a stranger absolutely butchering Adele’s _“Someone Like You”_ , Ben reached under the table to touch her hand.

“I should probably head out soon.”

Her heart sank and she knew she didn’t do a great job of hiding it on her face.

“Oh.”

“What!” cried Poe from behind her. “You can’t go now, Benny! I just signed up to sing _“I Wanna Dance with Somebody”_! It’s gonna be great! You can’t miss it!”

“Okay…” Announced the DJ. “Calling Ben to the microphone. Ben to the microphone.”

Poe pointed over his shoulder, “Oh yeah, and then there’s that too.”

Ben looked back at Rey in disbelief and she just shrugged with a smirk. He shook his head, scooping up her lone shot resting on the table and slammed it back, standing. He poked a finger into Poe’s face. “You’re the worst,” he growled. Poe leaned forward to kiss the tip of his finger but instead Ben clapped him on the cheek as he passed.

With a wicked and way too excited laugh, Poe turned to Rey and shook her gently by the shoulders.

 _Yup. Definitely drunk,_  she thought.

Ben approached the platform again, alone and sheepishly took the microphone.

The title flashed on the screen and Ben’s mouth worked into a twisted smirk, before he coughed out a laugh, glancing back at Poe with a shake of his head, as the opening keys started.

“C’mon! Let’s hear it for this _big_ , _beautiful_ baritone!” Poe punctuated to the crowd, whooping up his arms. The crowd _"woo’d"_ in agreement as Ben crooned out the first few lines:

_“When the rain is blowing in your face_

_And the whole world is on your case - "_

 

Rey huffed out a small sigh and brought her clasped hands to her mouth.

“Oh, I love this song,” she said, perhaps, she knew, a little doe-eyed. Poe nodded, grinning and grabbing her around the shoulders tightly again with a little shake.

“I know, Sunshine.”

She watched, goofily grinning as Ben continued. A little hesitant at first, perhaps not knowing the lyrics completely, but growing more confident with each verse.

_"I know you haven't made your mind up yet_

_But I will never do you wrong”_

 

He added a little country twang to flourish that last line, glancing back and giving Rey a smile. He held her eyes with his.

 

_“I've known it from the moment that we met_

_No doubt in my mind where you belong”_

Rey felt her heart leap into her throat again, her face sore from smiling.

“ _Oh my God_ , you guys are so in love,” whined Rose in a whisper next to her, followed by a quick hiccup.

Rey snapped her head towards her friend, who sat slightly teary-eyed, looking up towards Ben.

“What?” she asked.

Rose hiccupped again and raised her palm to gesture at Ben. “He’s like a big, sad-eyed, baby buffalo that just wants to eat out of your hand and give you orgasms for the rest of your life.”

“Ooo- kay, no more tequila for you,” Rey laughed, pulling the glasses on the table away from her for effect.

 

_"The winds of change are blowing wild and free_

_You ain't seen nothing like me yet”_

Rey glanced back to the stage as Ben smiled, going full-blown Garth Brooks for the last verse.

 

_“I could make you happy, make your dreams come true_

_There's nothing that I wouldn't do_

_Go to the ends of this Earth for you”_

_To make you feel my love, oh yes_

_To make you feel my love”_

The crowd applauded and Rey noticed a few enthusiastic female yells from the audience. He came back to the table and took his seat next to her again, raising an ankle of one leg to rest on the knee of his other. He reclined back running his arm along the back of the booth where they were sitting.

“You know, I think I will stay,” he nodded, looking around the table. Poe leaped up, banging a hand on the table and Rose clapped excitedly. Finn raised his hand for a snap in the air.

“Next round’s on me!” Poe declared, heading up to the bar. Ben reached up and touched her arm, causing her to turn back slightly to look at him. 

“Do you mind if I crash at your place?” he asked her, his voice dipped low, his nose brushed the back of her shoulder, his breath tickled her arm. Her skin erupted in gooseflesh.  

Heat pooled in her stomach. Although her face ached she managed to smile once more.

“Not at all.”

 

                                                                                                                ***

 

Pouring Rose and Poe into a taxi was no easy task, but Finn promised he was up to getting them home safely. They waved goodbye from the curb and Rose put her face in the back window screaming - Ben was pretty sure - “GET MARRIIIIIED!!”

They caught their own cab back to her apartment. As they climbed the stairs to the second floor, Ben realized that she had moved.

“Yeah, a few months back,” she turned the key in the lock and pushed open the door. “I couldn’t do the roommate thing anymore,” she switched the lights on to the modest loft. Television right by the door, coffee table, sofa and flanked chairs, very close to a long kitchen island. To the right of the kitchen hung a sliding door separating what he assumed was the bedroom. 

She had left her shoes on the mat next to the doorway and draped the cap, gown and her purse on the chair. Heading barefoot toward the center island, she smelled the bouquet of flowers.

“I suppose I should get these in-”

He pulled her back toward him, tossing the flowers with the rest of her items of the day.

“Fuck the flowers,” he grumbled, pulling her close and seizing her mouth with his. She responded eagerly, hands hurriedly moving to push the suit coat off his shoulders. Her fingers scrambled, pulling his white shirt up from his pants. He searched frantically for the zipper of her pencil skirt.

“What the _shit-fuck,_ ” he murmured, lips still needing to press into hers. She giggled, reaching over to the hidden zipper on her hip, pulling it down. He shucked the skirt down off her hips, letting it fall to the floor. He dropped to his knees before her, kissing her just below the belly button, through the fabric of the button-down blouse she was still wearing.

He gave a throaty groan. “Ah, _Mi Amor_. We are together again at last,” he said, nuzzling the juncture between her thighs.

Finally realizing what he was doing, Rey rolled her head back, looking to the ceiling. “Are you kidding me?”

“Shhh!” he reprimanded her, resting his cheek to her lap, wrapping his arms around her thighs. “Don’t worry Sheila, you will get my full attention soon," he whispered loudly.  "But first,” he stood, folding his shoulder into her belly and lifting her up effortlessly. She yelped in surprise, helplessly dangling over his shoulder and he gave her a firm slap on her exposed ass. “First, I have some business to take care of!” he announced, headed for the bedroom.     

                                                                                                 

                                                                                                               ***

 

Rey woke up the next morning, her body aching and delightfully exhausted. Next to her, Ben still slept, his broad, muscular back towards her as he faced the wall. Sleepily, she thought about reaching out and running a hand over the sinew cords, wanting to feel their warmth and firmness beneath her palm. She wouldn’t - he deserved the rest. Yet, she also wanted to kiss the back of his neck and run her hand down the carved path that led to his cock and stroke him until he rolled over and fucked her again.

She flushed at her own thoughts.

Oh _wow_ , she was greedy when it came to this man.

Raising a hand to her chest, she thought about last night. About him tossing her onto the bed and mercilessly flipping her over, stretching and holding her arms above her head as he took her from behind, ravaging her g-spot, pushing her into the mattress until she cried and gasped and came so hard she thought she might go blind. Then she rode him relentlessly, slamming down on him until his fingers marked her hips and he was forced to shout her name for the delicious release.

Then in the middle of the night, when she rolled to him and he kissed her softly, brushed the hair from her face and made love to her sweetly, kissing her everywhere, murmuring affirmations of adoration into her soft flesh.

She was so in love with Ben Solo, she didn’t know where to begin.

Yet, what had startled her with Rose’s drunken observation last night was that Ben Solo might be in love with her too.

Strangely, it was not a possibility she had allowed much room for thought in the past. They were friends. _Close friends_ , who occasionally liked to be closer. Of course, they had love _for_ each other - but to actually _be_ in love with each other? Rey was unsure. The friends with opportune benefits seemed to be a workable thing. Allowing them both to live their lives, yet still enjoy each other, without much complication thus far.

Maybe she shouldn’t think too much into it. After all, he was there, she was here – it was stupid to even entertain the idea.   

And for _Christ sakes_ , he named her vagina _Sheila!_

Ben stirred next to her, finally rolling to his back to look at the ceiling. He blinked a few times before he turned his face to hers. Her lips curled into a smile.

Her lovely boy. She reveled in the sight of him. Messy raven hair hanging into his eyes, long crooked nose, a darkening shadow of a beard growing on his chin. She imagined how the roughness of it would feel scraping against her skin; as she reached up and swept the hair from his eyes, tucking it behind his ear. She brushed the knuckle of her index finger against the birthmark above his upper lip and he moved his mouth to kiss the back of her hand. Allowing herself more time, she lay there, looking at him. Eyes capturing every freckle, every feature, every crease, lash, hair. She wanted to catalog it all to memory and never forget how he looked exactly in this moment, with her heart so full and him so open.

To her surprise, he didn’t look away. Didn’t squirm under her gaze, self-consciousness getting the better of him. Instead, he blinked back softly, observing her the same.    

After a long stretch of silence, he spoke.

“I think you’re the most beautiful woman I have ever met.”

Shocked by this, she flinched, “Really?”

He reached out, running his fingers lightly across her eyebrow, over her temple then down the hollow of her cheek.       

“That first time I saw you in the kitchen, I was stunned. I didn’t know what to say.”

At this, she gasped and sat up, “Ben Solo, you are a liar! You were so unimpressed with me that day!”

He backed up on the sheets, laughing, palms out in defense. “I swear to you! I turned around and there you were, with your goth hair and your huge men’s shirt and I thought to myself; ‘ _Holy shit_ , I’m in love.’”

Her stomach felt like it had just done a summersault inside of her. Her smile faltered a little.

“Now you’re just being mean,” she breathed.

“I’m not,” he said earnestly. For a beat, their eyes held onto each other and Rey was sure he was being sincere. “Of course,” he continued. “You didn’t know how to hold three plates at once and I was a little afraid you would hex me-”

“Oh alright!” she proclaimed, pouncing on him finally, wrestling him as he laughed over his own bad joke. “Because you were so cool!” she winked and pointed. “ _New girl_.”

He grabbed her by the wrists, feigning offense. “I never pistol winked you! How dare you!” he had gained the upper hand, pinning her down and pushing her wrists above her head.

He observed her seriously, his eyes flickering back and forth between her own.

“Don’t make me bring Sheila into this.”

 

                                                                                                                ***

 

Later, she lost count of which round they were on. After all, they had to shower, which led to her face pressed against cool tiles and creative use of her adjustable shower head. Then get dressed, which led to her being bent over the dresser in her room and cost her the glass in one of her picture frames, and make breakfast, which probably gave the neighbors an interesting sight through the open window of her kitchen, next to the granite countertop.  

Rey was beginning to think that maybe Ben and Sheila really did have some sort of secret alliance.

Lost in the bliss of being the two sole members of the carnal island they created, Rey finally remembered to look at her phone around noon.

“Oh shit,” she said, scrolling through her messages. “We are unwilling participants in a very long and speculating group chat.”

Ben winced and retrieved his phone, long forgotten in the pocket of his suit coat.

 

**:107 NEW MESSAGES:**

 

Turning his phone, he showed her the screen, frowning. “I’m not reading all of these.”

Humming, she continued scrolling through hers. “Best not,” she shook her head, sighing and dropping her phone to her side. “Listen, I know you can’t stay. But with everyone else having the weekend off, I really think-”

“I can stay,” he offered, quickly.

“Oh,” she blinked back, surprised. “It’s just that last night, you said you had to get back so I thought-”

“I can make arrangements. I just have to make a few phone calls.”

Rey tried to calm herself (and Sheila) as she nodded. “Great. Uh, so I was thinking I could have everyone here and we could make dinner, maybe watch a movie?”

 

                                                                                                               ***

 

After finally participating in the data-sucking group chat, it was confirmed that his horrifically hungover friends needed carbs and meat. However, their less hungover and carb conscious other friend wanted red sauce. They agreed on spaghetti and meatballs, no breadcrumbs, with the option of zucchini noodles.

“What kind of food substitution living hell am I in right now?” Ben grumbled as they walked through the grocery store. 

Rey smiled beside him, as he hunched over the cart, practically dredging himself through isles.

“It’s one meal, you will live,” she promised him, tossing a box of pasta into the cart.

“I can make my own pasta,” he said, picking it up with a frown, scrutinizing the nutritional label.

“We don’t have time.”

He huffed as she put a bottle of marinara sauce in the cart.

“I can make my own sauce,” he stated, picking up the jar, but then nodding approvingly at the label.

“We don’t have time, Ben,” Rey stated flatly. She rounded the corner of the small store and reached for a loaf of Italian bread.

He stopped dead.

“Absolutely not. Don’t touch that,” he hissed.

She pointed to the sign which read _“Baked fresh at 8:00 am”_.

Horrified, he looked at his watch. “It’s 2 pm. Stop it.”

Letting a mischievous chuckle escape from deep in her chest, she moved on. “Okay, make the meatballs and the Italian bread if it pleases you, Chef Solo,” she flicked those devilish hazel eyes up to him with a flash of a teasing smile. “I promise I won’t tell _The Food Network_.”

So help him, if he wouldn’t be thrown in jail he would have pushed this cart away and taken her right then on pile of bagged frozen shrimp, marked 2 for $14.

He needed to get a grip. He was already in hot water for not returning to work immediately after his visit on Saturday morning. Calling in a favor was a rarity for him, so it was easy to cover his ass on a Sunday. He was going to hate himself in the morning when he had to get up and make the drive back into the city before work. Yet, he couldn’t stand the thought of not getting another night with her. He had forgotten in their time apart how it felt to be in her light. Her pure unblinking heart, that radiated out of her like a beacon. Her smile, which felt like it was at least 100 watts and of course her eyes, which had the power to drown him or cut him in the flash of a second.

Ben wondered if she realized how weak he was for her? As they approached the register, and she dug into her purse to pay, he supposed not. Always fighting, this one. Always wanting to make her way.

He stilled her fumbling hands and passed his black AMEX card to the cashier.    

Hours later they sat, bodies strewn haphazardly around Rey’s sofa and chairs, gathering to watch _“The Goonies”_. Rose’s tiny frame lay draped across one chair, legs dangling off one side, head on the other. Finn occupied the other chair, phone illuminated, but no notification alarms going off - like a good guest. Poe was limp against the arm of the sofa, head on the armrest, mouth open but a least awake and alive (they hoped) while Ben sat in the center, relaxed, Rey beside him lounging, her legs casually stretching over his lap.

His hand absentmindedly rubbed up and down her shin or thigh occasionally, to which she would look to him, then around the group to see if anyone noticed. He would stop, of course not realizing he was doing it in the first place. Why were they pretending this wasn’t happening now, anyway?

He wanted to touch her all the time. If he had his way, she would be constantly naked, every inch of her flesh available for him to see, touch, kiss, lick, caress; always. He wanted to know every freckle; awaken every cell in her body and make it sing out just for him.

He wanted to ask her a thousand questions, write it all down in notebooks so he could have a bible on how to please her in a million different ways. If her favorite color was yellow, he swore he would walk before her, painting the world like a daffodil, just to make her happy.

It was then that he realized he was helplessly, madly in love with her.

Risking a glance, he looked over to her relaxed form.

Those bright, almond-shaped hazel eyes shone as they watched the screen intently. One hand resting comfortably over her stomach, the other raised, the back of it against her cheek as she subconsciously held the nail of her left ring finger between her teeth.

He had a passing thought about what kind of ring he would slip on there one day, before looking back to the screen, shooing it away. Again, he capped her knee with his hand but left it there, not caring who saw.

 

                                                                                                              ***

 

Later, after the others left, and she covered him on the couch, her breasts bobbing against his face, her head thrown back, back arched, chocolate waves shaking over her shoulders - he wondered how the fuck he was ever going to leave.

He literally couldn’t stop. Could no longer in control of himself, nor the traitor, “Stanley”, between his legs.

He hated it, of course. He supposed she didn’t love the affectionate nickname he had given hers, either.

 _Stanley and Sheila. What a couple._ He had to chuckle at that.

It was late now, dark, but the street lights and the moon brought soft light into the bedroom.

She was on her side, facing him. Her perfect face slack, brow relaxed, lips parted, a tiny flash of drool perhaps glinting in the corner of her mouth. Didn’t matter. He had never laid eyes on something so gorgeous in his life.

He had told her in a moment of transparency this morning that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. It was the rawest and most horrifying sentence of truth he had ever spoken in his life. Of course, she didn’t believe him. She didn’t see herself as he did. So pure, so bright, so beautiful.  Sometimes he felt like she was the oxygen mask he had to cling to, while he was the plane crash. It seemed unfair.

He worried now about his future. About his imposing contract, the fame, the _infamy_ , the chaos it was probably going to bring. Could he honorably drag her through that with him? Would she willingly sully herself and her own personal life, or should he try to keep her away from it altogether?

Rey stirred her breath a short intake, her eyes blinking open, registering their surroundings before falling on his.

“What’s wrong?” she breathed, and his heart felt like it melted back into his spine.

Unable to stop himself, he reached forward to touch her face.

 _“I love you,”_ he mouthed against her temple, still afraid to say it out loud. Still terrified he was alone in this and she was just pacifying him out of boredom and kindness.

Her hand raised up to cover his and she purred, “I know,” before falling back to sleep. 

 

                                                                                                             ***

 

Rey awoke to a room filled with sunshine and the bed beside her empty.

Immediately she felt the bruising sensation of tears pressing on her features and gingerly reached over to touch the rumpled sheets.

Was the soaring joy and exhilarating high worth the heart-clenching nose-dive and crippling crash she had to feel every time he went away? Certainly didn't feel like it at this moment.

With a groan, she got up and shuffled to the kitchen.

On the counter sat her flowers, prettily arranged in a vase she didn’t even know she had, with a note.

_“I’ll come back for you, sweetheart. I promise.”_


	7. Flicker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life has its highs and its lows. 
> 
> "Then I think of the start  
> And it echoes a spark  
> And I remember the magic electricity  
> Then I look in my heart  
> There's a light in the dark  
> Still a flicker of hope that you first gave to me"
> 
> -Niall Horan  
> [Flicker](https://youtu.be/nlUx8CjZYOw)

The week before her 25th birthday, Rey walked into work tired and cranky. Rose had dragged her to a spin class earlier that morning and the combination of closing the restaurant the night before and being awake before 8 am was finally hitting her like a sledgehammer. She had tried to take a nap before her scheduled 3 pm in-time but failed.

As she rounded the corner out of the kitchen and headed towards the bar, she waved a greeting to Finn, who like always, arrived early to set up. They made a good team. He, usually happy to get there ahead of time and set everything up, her (usually late) and more than willing to let him take off early, while she stayed to clean and break everything down. 

He was frowning.

“You look like how I feel,” she said casually, clocking in through the POS computer screen.

He gave grunt in response.

She grabbed the tablet that was docked at the corner of the bar, stashed beside the phone, and checked the reservation list for the evening.

“What’s the matter with you?” she asked, scrolling through the list, relieved that it looked like it would be a slower night.

“I’m getting evicted.”

She looked up at him with a start. He was still frowning, diligently cutting lemons into slices and taking time to pluck out the seeds with the tip of the knife.

“Shit. Haven’t you lived there for like-”

“Ten years,” he stated, shaking his head now. “They sold the damn building, _shady ass jackals_.”

“What are you going to do?”

Finn sighed heavily, flicking a lemon seed. It hit the side of the bar with a _‘tick’_.

“I don’t know. I’m overwhelmed by it all,” he fluttered a hand by his head.

“Well, my couch is always available while you apartment hunt. It’s not much, but it’s better than sleeping in the booth at table six.”

“Thanks, Sis,” Finn smiled softly as Chef Organa approached the bar.

Once an occasional visitor to the establishment, the chef had more frequently been around in the months since Ben left, still interviewing for someone to step in as his replacement. Rey naturally felt a familiarity and affinity towards the woman. She wasn’t particularly nurturing or even that warm, her stern reputation as a leader often at the forefront of her personality, but she was a comforting presence to Rey all the same. Perhaps it was her connection to Ben - despite his and Leia’s strained relationship - but for whatever reason, there was a level of ease between the two women.

Leia leaned her elbows on the bar with a sigh. She looked weary and exhausted. Her hair, grey with threads of white streaking through it, was perfectly styled and neat as usual. Her manicured hands were void of her elaborate jewelry in preparation for the nights' service. She wore her signature brilliant white chef's coat, setting her apart from everyone else in shades of black and dark grey.

“Rey, dear, will you pour me a diet coke?” she sighed, touching her fingers to her forehead.

Rey obliged, handing her the fizzing glass of brown liquid.

Leia smiled at her softly, her kind eyes crinkling a little in the corners, as she took a sip.

Then very suddenly she folded slightly with a pained look, her hand stretching across her stomach. She spilled her drink a little and swallowed roughly.

Rey reached forward, pressing a hand on her shoulder.

“Are you-”

Leia was nodding, shooing her away before she could get the words out.

“I’m fine,” she assured, before clenching her teeth again, doubling over further. Finn was also beside her now, taking one of her hands in his own, shifting her weight towards him for support.

“Maybe you should have a seat.”

Leia nodded, allowing him to bring her to a nearby table. Rey scurried behind and brought her the soda, placing it before her. She felt the need to reach out and rub Leia’s shoulder.

“I’m fine – I’m fine,” Leia assured, again attempting to wave away the attention. “It’s just these damn ulcers. Maybe I should lay off the soda,” she said with a sigh.

Rey and Finn locked eyes over her head. Something about this entire encounter seemed off. Leia ambled herself up again, the two of them stepping away from her cautiously.

“Thank you both,” she nodded, hand still pressed to her stomach, and made her way back towards the kitchen.

   

                                                                                                               ***

 

A few days later, Finn had paid for a storage unit, cramming the essentials he needed for the upcoming weeks into a cardboard box which was dutifully kicked off into some corner of Rey’s apartment.

On the night of her birthday, they sat together on the couch, eating Chinese take-out right from the boxes. Spread before them was a feast of pork lo mein, Chinese vegetables, dumplings, beef and broccoli, and whatever else her hungry little heart desired, as they watched _“Percilla, Queen of the Desert”_ for about the 50th time.

Rey reached forward for a crab rangoon.

“I really wish headdresses and feather boas were everyday fashion accessories. It would sure make life much more exciting.”

Finn shook his head and pointed his chopsticks to the screen. “That - is too much work. I dated a drag queen once. She was ratchet as hell and it took four hours to go anywhere and her shit was always scattered around my apartment. Goddamn glitter on _everything,_ ” he shook his head.

She shifted, throwing an arm onto the back of the couch.

“Did you ever date any girls before you came out?”

He scrunched up his face.

“I brought a girl to the prom, but it’s not like everyone didn’t already know what my preferences were. Being the only black queer in my school made me a pretty stand out target. Being a _poor_ black queer only made it worse.”

Rey hummed in agreement, remembering the days of being teased mercilessly for always having old trainers or worn-out clothing. Apparently, kids were shitheads on both sides of the pond.

Finn stabbed his chopsticks into the take-out box and rested it on his lap.

“You and I have a lot more in common than you realize, you know,” he told her, rolling up the sleeve of his right arm. He cuffed it up to the elbow, holding up his forearm to expose a series of circular scars, small, but certainly noticeable. “One of the foster dad’s liked to use me as an ashtray whenever he saw fit,” he rolled his sleeve back down, picking up his carton and chopsticks again.

Rey’s jaw dropped. She had no idea Finn was also a system kid. He never mentioned anything about his past before, always seeming to be flippant about serious things, ever-living in the present. Although looking back now, things seemed to make a lot more sense.

People find different ways to cope with a murky and somber childhood. Some, actually get their shit together, get some therapy and manage to work through it. Many more turn to mind-numbing and memory stifling alternatives, most often in a chemical or herbal form. People like Rey, diligently try their hardest to repress the dark thoughts and drifting emotional mind by staying in an upbeat state, stomping down the darkness every time it tries to rise. People like Finn act like it never happened.    

Finn was apparently right - they probably did have more in common than she realized.

She suddenly felt very small, remembering that vulnerable little girl. Young and scrawny, filled with anger and heartache, flashing and unbridled feelings lashing out in fits of rage and resentment. The melancholy teenager, drawing herself into the shelter of her own baggy clothes, trying to hide from the world. The seemingly normal and balanced young woman, who often felt like she was the biggest fake that ever walked the planet.

She looked across the couch to him and could no longer see him as the aloof, calm and fashionably detached friend she thought she knew. He was suddenly someone very different.

He gave her a small smile and she realized her eyes had become watery with tears. He reached out his hand to her, and she took it, grasping it firmly.

From the coffee table, Finn’s phone lit up and began to vibrate loudly against the hard surface.

It was Poe, calling to tell them that he and Rose had just gotten out of work and were on their way.

They arrived shortly after, helping themselves to the buffet before them and the microwave. Pouring a bottle of wine amongst the four, gorging themselves and finishing the movie then lead to Finn docking his phone into the speaker on her windowsill. They sat at her small, four-person kitchen table and decided to play cards.

Neither Finn nor Rose knew any games, so Poe taught them Gin Rummy. Rey vaguely remembered how to play, but it had been a long time. They popped the cork on another bottle of wine, sharing it among them.

Poe raised his glass in cheers.

“To our Rey,” he saluted. “Another year older - hopefully wiser - and forever our sunshine.” They clinked glasses in the middle.

Rey was smiling, but as always, she secretly wished the fifth member of their merry little band was there. It had been so long since she had talked to him in anything other than a text message. She missed his voice, missed his face. That stupid, gorgeously incongruous face she’d give anything to hold in her hands.

“Earth to Rey,” she heard Rose say. She looked up to find all three of them staring at her.

“Oh!” she blushed, realizing it was her turn.

They played a few more rounds, before the game and the table were both completely abandoned in lieu of an impromptu dance party in the space between her kitchen island, couch, and table. They swirled and swayed and did their best _Soul Train_ dance moves to “ _Groove is in the Heart”_ and “ _Got to Give it Up”_ and “ _Love Shack_ ”, each new song inciting a cheer of excitement from the group. Rey was elated. As Poe grabbed her around the waist from behind and swung his hips with hers, singing along to _“Rock the Boat”,_ Rey wondered if she had ever had a better birthday. He spun her around, her arm arching over her head, then quickly drew her back to him. This man certainly knew how to dance.

She was flushed and laughing her fool head off as Finn dropped to the floor in splits during _“September”_ , quickly pulling himself back up again, rolling his arms and shoulders in a wave, to firmly plant a palm in Rose’s face as a diss. She countered the gesture by scrunching her face into the meanest mug she could muster and gliding away from him in a pretty impressive moonwalk. 

Rey found herself suddenly hit by an overwhelming wave of warmth and happiness.

It had taken 25 years, but she had finally found her family.

 

                                                                                                               ***

 

Ben was in his office. It was late, and he probably should have been home over an hour ago. He was determined to brainstorm something brilliant, pouring over some of his favorite recipe books, hoping for inspiration, some spark that would give him the cutting edge. He was so damn close.

Under a pile of papers and books, he heard his phone ringing. He shifted around to find it seeing that Rose was attempting to face-time him. He almost ignored it, going back to the task at hand, but instead swiped to answer.

Rose’s frowning little face suddenly bloomed into a brilliant smile, accompanied by a scream.

“Ben!” she lifted the phone up so he could see around her. She was in Rey’s apartment, propped high on the island countertop, allowing him to see the others as they danced and laughed to _“Boogie Shoes”_.

Rey was shaking her hair in her face, hands stretched overhead, hips shimmying side to side, as Poe and Finn battled it out in what he could only describe as a “lawnmower”-off.

Suddenly aware of Rose planted high on her kitchen island, Rey noticed the phone. He watched her gasp in excitement and rush the counter, nearly folding over it - beaming.

“Ben!” she laughed, her face slightly flushed, hair wild, eyes lit with excitement.

“Hi,” he grinned back. He was so happy he answered this damn phone.

Behind her, Poe and Finn crowded around, pushing their faces into view.  

“Benny! Get in the car! We’ll keep the party going till you get here!” Poe laughed.

“I wish,” he said. He did, though. He really did. He looked to Rey again and smiled, almost a little sadly. “Happy birthday, I’m sorry I can’t be there.”

A flash of something skittered across her features but then she smiled and nodded. “I know. We miss you!”

“We do!” Rose chimed in, turning the phone back to her slightly. “We love you, Ben! Come home soon!” she smiled brilliantly and waved at the phone.

His mouth worked as he nodded. “Miss you guys too, have fun. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight!” both girls grinned, Rose blew him a kiss.

The call ended and he was plunged back into the dimly lit confines of his office.

He fell back onto his chair with a heavy sigh, reaching up to run frustrated fingers through his hair.

There were days when it felt like he was on the right path. He would have a breakthrough – come up with something exceptionally spectacular- that would have guests and staff alike raving about his talents. Then, someone else would outshine him, and he would question everything about his abilities. His emotions and worth were in a constant tug-of-war between personal success and failure. There were times he felt like he was being torn apart.

And then there was the ever-glowing and tempting pull towards home. To the comfort of his friends, to complacent daily routines - to _her_. It was growing far more tempting than he wanted to admit.

Often, he found himself with phone in hand ready to call her, just wanting to hear her voice. He would stop himself. It would only make things worse, make him more heart-sick and less focused. He was so damn close to reaping the benefits of this struggle, to back away now would be a waste.

He lifted himself from the chair with a groan, gathering some books and paperwork and switching off the lamp beside him.

A short subway ride and a stop at a liquor store later, Ben crashed onto his couch heavily, a bottle of bourbon grasped tightly by the neck. It was now 2:30 in the morning and he was half-way to being drunk and the horniest he had been in weeks.

Masturbation had become a pathetic ritual at this point in his life, his morning shower becoming a daily opportunity to rid himself of pent up frustration usually intensified by his wandering thoughts the night before.

Having never really given a shit prior to his involvement with Rey, it never bothered him before to simply beat off and go about his business. Even with previous partners - not like there were many - he wasn’t devastatingly haunted by their actions afterward. This girl - this lean and gorgeous, generous and greedy, stubborn and tender, girl - was all he could think about when he was left alone with his own bastard mind. Knowing her, the taste of her skin, the sounds of her pleasure, the sink into her body - he felt like a man left starving. He would think about the curve of her neck into her shoulder, the soft feeling of her thighs against his hips, the flutter of her lashes over those gorgeous hazel eyes when she looked at him.

His head dropped onto the back of the couch and he gave a frustrated groan to the ceiling, reaching down and cupping the hardness growing against his thigh. Memories were not enough. He needed more. The mix of desperation and liquid courage was just enough to embolden him to reach over and grab his phone, stabbing at it with his thumb.

He held the phone to his ear, dropping his head back again and sliding his eyes closed, silently praying she would pick up.

 

                                                                                                                ***

 

Rey squinted at the brightness of her phone as she held it above her in the dark. She was surprised to see Ben’s name on the screen - especially this late at night.

“Hello?” she asked, her voice still a little thick and foggy.

“Rey,” his voice was deep and throaty, and it made her shiver.

“Twice in one night. It’s a little late-”

“Are you in bed?” that tone, hushed and growling, sent a shockwave through her body. She reclined back into her pillow.

“Yes.”

“Are you naked?”

She smiled and huffed a laugh, “No.”

“Get naked.”

Suddenly realizing exactly what this phone call was, Rey slipped her hand under the covers, pushing her shorts down and wriggling out of them with a hint of giddiness. She pulled her tank top over her head and lay back, phone to ear.

“Okay…” she whispered.

She could hear his breath on the line, and it made her skin prickly and hot.

“I want you to take one of those delicious breasts of yours and pinch the nipple for me.”

Obediently, Rey reached up, gently massaging the tissue in hand, the nipple budding up, ready for attention. She pinched it, enjoying the small shock it sent through her system. Her body was awakening, humming with the familiar feeling only he could bring out of her. Her breathing was becoming heavier as he continued.

“Run your hand down your stomach. Do it slowly.”

She did so, enjoying the soft trace of her own fingers, imagining to herself that they could be his.

“I am…” she breathed.

He groaned on the other end and it made her bite her lip.

She swallowed.

“Are you – are you doing it too?”

“Yes,” breathy, helpless.

That sent a thrill through her as she slid her hand down slowly, fingers slipping into the pleat of herself. She closed her eyes and let out a shuddered sigh. She reached further down, dipping into her own entrance.

“I’m wet,” she replied quietly, resulting in a heavy sigh on the line followed by a tensely whispered,  _"fuck”_.

“And warm.”   

“I’m hard,” he groaned out between stressed breaths. “So fucking hard, holy _shit_.”

As Rey circled her own clit, she imagined him, fully erect, that magnificent dick solid and strained in his big hand. Her own insides cinched with tension.

“I’d lick your tip with my tongue and take all of you in my mouth,” she panted, suddenly feeling brazen and delightfully filthy - emboldened by it all. “I’d suck your cock so hard you’d beg for me to stop.”

Amused, he huffed out a surprised laugh followed by a strained, breathy _“Jesus”_.

Rising on her own tide, Rey feverishly massaged over herself and continued.

“Then, I’d get on top of you and push you inside of me, slowly,” her whispered breath trembled.

She arched her back on the bed, plunging her own fingers into herself with a small cry.

Ben let out a tense breath, followed by a moan.

“ _Fuck_ , I wish you were here,” he panted. She imagined him feverishly running the length of himself, mercilessly ready to find release. “I’m close, are you?

“Yes,” she replied weakly, feeling her own sweet release coming to a crest.

“Come for me, Rey,” his voice was thick and graveled. It was just enough to peak her over the edge, her body trembling and she gasped and moaned her way through a shuddered orgasm. She could hear him panting a series of _“yeses”_ across the line before he grunted out another  _“fuck”_.

They both breathed heavy - listening to each other – basking in the comfort of release.

“Happy birthday to me indeed,” Rey purred.

Ben chuckled. “I’m really sorry I couldn’t be there,” he stated again.

“I know.”

He was quiet and she could tell there was something more going on on the other end of the phone. Finally, he spoke.

“I need you to come to New York,” he whispered. Rey felt a flutter in her heart. “Just for a visit. I just need…” he faded off. Rey listened, baited and breathless. “I just need…” he started again, then faded again.

“Okay,” Rey answered quietly, nodding to herself.

She heard his sigh of relief over the line.

“Okay,” he repeated in a whisper.

“We should really get some sleep,” she stated, lifting her phone to look at the time.

“I know,” he groaned. “I’m going to hate myself in the morning.”

She ‘hmmed’, rolling to her side with a soft smile. “Goodnight, Ben.”

“Goodnight, Sweetheart.”

 

                                                                                                               ***

    

Ben scrubbed his face with his hands and sighed internally. This meeting was taking forever, and a crippling combination of hangover and sleep exhaustion was making it hard to focus.

He warily looked around the table as Snoke’s lackey - he was pretty sure who was named Steven, yammered on about quarterly earnings, media presence and staying ‘on brand’. All things Ben really couldn’t give two solid shits about, but unfortunately had become an everyday concern when it came to the Snoke empire.

And that’s exactly what this thing was slowly becoming, wasn’t it? Its own damn empire. Calculatingly built from the ground up, towering over personal passion and inspiration, shadow blacking out desire and enthusiasm towards anything else.

He had once thought that he wasn’t the type of person who sought out praise and acceptance when it came to his culinary talents, but the minute he accepted this position, the very moment he walked into this kitchen - receiving sneers and slanted glances from his competitors - he knew he was kidding himself. He craved the approval. Would revel in the compliments and appreciation. He was much more darkly competitive and cut-throat than he ever imagined.

As of right now, they were still deciding who was going to move forward as the new face of Snoke’s legacy, and they were thinking big. Television productions, a magazine line, fucking pots and pans in department stores, kind of big. A chance to stand on the shoulders of a giant and reach things most people could only dare to dream.

It was between him, Hux and Phasma.

He had to take it. Had to grab this by the throat and make it his own.

Snoke, the withered, serious old man, was sitting across the table from him, fingers tented, thin wrinkled mouth puckered in contemplation, as he listened to Steven prattle on. He was a pretentious, conniving and evil old fuck, Ben knew, but all the same, he couldn’t help but admire him. He constantly pitted his three apprentices against each other, goading them into competition daily.

Ben fucking hated it and lived for it all the same.

Beside him, Phasma sniffed. He didn’t mind her so much. Sure, she was a villainous and cutthroat cunt who would gladly run him over with her car – then back up and do it again - if it gave her the upper hand, but she was at least transparent about it. There was no mystery when it came to what Phasma was thinking and feeling, no veiled attempt to hide her ambitions and desire to be the best. Ben could certainly respect that. It was Hux who really made his blood boil. Always slithering about, his smug face just tantalizingly punchable. He perfected the art of lurking around, ready to report any misstep or mistake in order to make himself look superior. The fucking worm.

They adjourned the meeting, chairs scraping the floor as everyone stood, ready to go on with their day. Ben rose from his chair, wary.

“Solo,” Snoke croaked, causing everyone to pause. Ben looked up at him, cautiously. “A word.”

The rest of the room’s occupants went about their actions, trickling out and leaving the two men.

“Sit,” the thin and wilted man commanded with authority. Ben did so, obediently. Snoke slowly drifted his way around the table. He was always sharply dressed in the finest of tailored and custom-made suits. This one, a dark-brushed gold filigree, outwardly obnoxious on anyone else, but somehow fitting for his small, elderly frame.

“When I found you, I saw what all masters live to see,” he started, coming to rest against the side of the table beside Ben. “Raw, untamed talent and beyond that – something truly special – the potential future of my legacy.”

Ben watched him quietly, face stilled in an unreadable mask.

“A new _me,_ ” he hissed the last word passionately, holding his frail, spotted hand up in a fist. “Now I fear, I was mistaken.”

Stunned, Ben looked up at the aged man. “I’ve given everything I have to you. To this company-”  

“Yes, there it is. The excuse. You are unfocused, young Solo. Distracted and ineptly motivated-”

“I gave up my entire life to come here, work for you,” Ben interrupted, his anger getting the best of him.

“And look at you!” Snoke spat. “The change split your focus to the bone. You are _uninspired_. _Distracted_ , and squandering an opportunity others would kill for.”

Ben shot up from his seat in a rage.

“Sit down!” Snoke bellowed, not in the least bit intimidated.

Seething, Ben slammed back onto his seat, jaw hardened and sneering.

“The opportunity still exists. A decision will be made shortly. Prove to me that you are worthy to take my place,” Snoke snarled. “Prove to me you are more than a child in a costume.” He gave a swift nod towards the door and turned away from Ben, letting him know he was dismissed.

The anger inside Ben roared as he stalked out of the conference room. Fists balled tightly, he stormed through the dining room, leaving startled looking waitstaff in his wake. He managed to make it all the way to his office, slamming his door shut before letting out a ferocious barrage of curses towards the ceiling.

His fist met the wall beside him.

His blood was boiling, and he hit the wall again – full force- with gritted teeth. He pulled back bloodied knuckles and shook the pain from his hand.

“Grimy old _fuck_ ,” he spat, still seething in unhinged anger.

Breathing deep, he rounded his desk and collapsed onto his chair.

This was his one shot and he was fucking it all up.

 

                                                                                                                ***

  

Rey sifted absentmindedly through her mail as she pushed open the door to her apartment.

“Rey!” Finn shouted, the shock in his voice apparent. She looked up to see him standing in the kitchen, eyes wide. “What are you doing here?”

Rey gave him an amused frown.

“I live here,” she laughed, looking to the numbers on her apartment door mockingly. She closed it, tossing the mail on the coffee table.

He nodded, visibly uncomfortable as she rounded the kitchen island, moving to the fridge.

“Right, it’s just that-”

The door to the bathroom beside them swung open, revealing Poe Dameron in all his bare-chested glory. Towel wrapped around his waist and using another to shake out his hair, he grinned at her as he walked out of the steaming doorway.

“Howdy, Sunshine,” he winked, planting a kiss on her cheek, then casually taking the drink from her hand and helping himself to a sip.

Rey’s mouth hung open, as her eyes shifted to Finn. He looked like he was considering jumping out the window to save himself from embarrassment.

“Little afternoon delight?” she teased in a whisper, and he shot daggers in her direction.

Poe had moved to the fridge, where he leaned in, looking at its contents.

 _“Oh, so you’re the only one who gets to have a secret love affair?”_ Finn hissed, and Rey raised her eyebrows with a shrug of her shoulders.

Poe closed the refrigerator door and turned to them.

“You guys want Indian for dinner?”

 

                                                                                                               ***

 

Fat, happy, full of saag paneer and naan, Rey, Poe, and Finn all reclined in their chairs. They listened as an old tube television propped up in the corner of the place played classic Bollywood music videos.

Rey’s phone vibrated in her purse beside her. She reached in and pulled it out.

“It’s Rose,” she told the others before answering it.

“Hey! Are you cut? We just finished-”

“Rey!” Rose’s voice rang out, panicked and strained.

Rey felt a zip of fear flash up her spine.

“Rose, what’s wrong?”

Rose gulped in ragged breaths. “Where are you?” she asked weakly.

Alarmed, Finn and Poe watched her with concern.

“We’re at the Indian place down the block from the restaurant. What’s going on? Do you need us to come get you?”

“No,” Rose sniffed and sighed. “I’ll come meet you. I’ll be right there.”

“Okay,” Rey answered quietly, even though Rose had already cut the call.

She looked to the boys across from her.

“What’s going on?” Poe asked.

“I don’t know. She sounds really upset.”

In record speed, Rose pushed through the glass door minutes later, the bell and chain attached announcing her arrival. She looked visibly distraught, her eyes red, her breath strained. They all rose as she approached the table.

“Rosie, what happened?” Finn asked, his eyes soft and filled with concern.

Rose’s face was wracked with worry. She sat, and the others followed. Rey leaned in and placed a reassuring hand on her leg.

“Can I have a sip?” Rose asked, pointing to Rey’s water on the table.

Rey nodded as Rose reached over, gulping down a few rough swallows. She let out a huge sigh and looked around the table.

“I overheard something I wasn’t supposed to,” she started weakly, dark eyes flitting nervously between the group.

Poe stared back at her in mildly annoyed disbelief.

“Was it about a fucking alien invasion? Because you gave us quite the fright just now.”

Rose shook her head with a whimper. “No, no. It’s bad,” her lip trembled a little. “It’s really bad,” she followed up in a whisper, looking at Rey.

Rey felt her heart sink, but she reassuringly reached for her friend’s shaky hands.

“Tell us.”

Rose nodded, breathing out a rough, deep sigh.

“I was downstairs, I had just clocked out and changed. I – I thought I was the last one there, so I went towards the offices because I was going to shut the hallway lights off. I didn’t know she was in there until I was already outside the door and then I could hear- she had it on speakerphone- I,  ugh-” she shook her head.

“Who?” Finn asked, confused.

 _“Leia!”_ Rose answered, still nervously twittering.

Rey met Finn’s eyes, a feeling of dread slowly blooming in her stomach.

“What did she say?” Rey questioned quietly, holding Finn’s gaze.

“It’s what was said _to_ her,” Rose answered softly. Her eyes started to get glassy. “Leia has stage four stomach cancer.”

Rey felt the breath rush out of her as she looked around the table to the other stunned faces.

“It’s spreading. Even with treatment, it’s-” her face crumpled as she shook her head. “I wasn’t supposed to hear,” she said to Rey weakly, before leaning in to cry on her shoulder.

Rey held her friend as she sobbed, her own hot tears streaking down her face as she looked over Rose’s head to Finn and Poe. Finn sat shocked, staring down at the picked-over food before them. Poe’s face worked, as he tried his best to hold back tears and failed. He slammed a fist down onto the tabletop, causing the contents to jump.

“That woman saved my life,” he choked out roughly, jaw hardened, shaking his head in anger. Finn reached over and lovingly rubbed his back. Poe softened a little, reaching over to cuff his hand around Finn’s knee.

They sat there for a while, each lost in their own thoughts. When the bill came, they split it three ways.

“We can’t let her know we know. She won’t accept our sympathy,” Poe said, throwing down some cash for the tip.

The others nodded.

Rose frowned, eyes sad and unfocused.

“Do you think she’ll tell Ben?” She asked, looking up to survey the group.

Glances ricocheted around the table, each one searching for answers among the rest.


	8. The Beast in Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pain and angst, ahoy!
> 
> “The beast in me  
> Has had to learn to live with pain  
> And how to shelter from the rain  
> And in the twinkling of an eye  
> Might have to be restrained  
> God help the beast in me."
> 
> -Johnny Cash   
> [The Beast in Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-QNc-UFuvg)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am new to this whole Fic writing thing and I have to say, I am COMPLETELY blown away by the love and support everyone has shown! Thank you to each and every one of you who has read, commented, gave kudos or subscribed. I am seriously just floored. 
> 
> A very special thanks to [JenfysNest](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenfysNest/pseuds/JenfysNest) for making a SPECTACULAR mood board for this story and for also being a beta to help me out. I am convinced she is the best person on the planet. 
> 
>  

Things progressed quickly. Within weeks, Leia went from being her normal, sturdy self - to a delicate, shrinking, frailer version. Her features seemed to wither, as her cheeks grew hollow and the cords in her neck became more evident. Yet, her eyes - those dark sparkling gems - never stopped shining. She started using a stool to sit in the expo station instead of standing. The kitchen was quieter than ever, as her voice struggled to call out commands, often going completely hoarse by the end of the shift.

And still, she fought on.

Rey found herself doing little gestures to help brighten her day. She bought her a cushion for the plain wooden stool, hoping to make it a least a little bit more comfortable. Leia liked chai iced tea, so Rey would often make a point to stop before her shift and pick one up for her. Leia liked reading old classics, so Rey sought her out an antiquated copy of _“Wuthering Heights”_. The chef brought the binding to her nose in appreciation, taking a deep breath as she closed her eyes.

“Nothing quite like the smell of an old book,” she gave Rey’s wrist a warm squeeze of her hand. “Thank you, dear.”

One afternoon, Rey had swung by the restaurant before it was opened. She had accidentally left her jacket in the server locker room the night before. The kitchen was prepping for the shift ahead of them and she waved a casual hello to the line guys through the back door before she turned to the hallway and plodded down the steps to the basement. With jacket once again in hand, she paused with one foot rested at the bottom of the staircase. Instead of going back up, she turned to her right and made her way to the back hallway, towards the row of offices.

Leia’s office was dead center at the end of the corridor, which then branched out into a ‘T’ formation. The safe room and the computer room to the left, Ben’s old office and the dining room manager’s office on the right. Rey paused at the end of the hall, spying the light switches Rose had been aiming to shut off the night she overheard Leia’s phone call with her doctor.

She stepped forward, rapping a soft knuckle onto Leia’s door. The chef looked up over the brim of her glasses and it struck Rey how completely different she looked now, compared to when she had first laid eyes on the strong and hearty woman. She gave Rey a glowing smile.

“Rey, come in,” she gestured to the seat across from her desk. Rey moved to it and sat down swiftly. “What are you doing here today? It’s your day off.”

Sheepishly, Rey held up her jacket, “Left this here last night.” Leia nodded, her attention drifting back to the computer in front of her.

“You and Benjamin are pretty good friends, am I correct?” she asked, and Rey was thankful she was still looking at the screen and not at her directly, missing the massive amount of heat that rushed to her face.

“Yes, we are.”  

“How is he doing?”

Rey frowned. Although she had absolutely no idea what it was like to have a relationship with a mother of any kind, she was certain this was odd. She shifted in her chair.

“He, uh, he’s good. I think.” Her brows knitted together. “I actually haven’t talked to him in a while. He just kinda – drops away – sometimes…” she murmured, searching her mind for their last interaction.

Leia sighed, her back resting against her chair.

“Just like his father,” she observed, barely above a whisper. Leia shook her head. “It’s no secret that Ben and I do not have the best relationship,” she stated plainly.

Unsure of if she should agree or even contribute at all, Rey sat stiffly in her chair.

“I made a lot of mistakes with him. He was a tender boy, and I-”, her eyes were soft, unfocused as she absentmindedly thumbed at the ring on her index finger. “I was very hard. Too focused on my own determination, too set in my own ways.” She shook her head and threw her hand up in defeat. “There’s no manual to tell you when you’re just mucking everything up.”

Her dark eyes raised to Rey’s and she felt like they could see right down into the pit of her soul.

“I just want to know that he’s okay. That he’s going to be okay,” Leia said quietly.

Mouth dry, Rey found herself nodding, fighting off the tears threatening to flood her eyes by blinking them away.  

“We’ll take care of him,” she answered softly.

Leia gave her a soft smile and nodded.

“Thank you, Rey. We’re lucky to have you. All of you.”

The next time she saw Leia, she was in a hospital bed.

She had collapsed one night, although Rey was not there and only heard about it later from a shaky Finn, when they met for a beer after his shift.

He was no longer crashing at her place. Finn had gone to Poe’s house for one night and simply never returned. She offered to bring his box of belongings into work for him. She wasn’t upset about it – figuring a bed and a warm body was probably a hell of a lot better than her old couch – but she missed having him around sometimes.  

The day after Leia was whisked away by ambulance, Rey got up early and walked down to the hospital. It was only a few blocks from her apartment, and she made a stop into the gift shop to buy some flowers.

The night before, Poe had given away his tables, immediately clocking out and jumping in his car to go to the hospital as soon as he could get there. He was still at her bedside when Rey quietly slipped into the hospital room. Leia was awake, sitting upright. Beside her, Poe stretched out, half in the chair he was seated in, half leaning with folded arms onto the side of her bed. Leia was gently petting his hair while he slept. She lifted a finger to her mouth as Rey approached, and Rey smiled, touched by the devotion of her friend.

She placed the flowers on Leia’s bedside table, taking a seat in the other empty chair in the corner. Silently, they sat and watched an episode of Judge Judy.

When Poe finally awoke, the nurse had come in and requested that they give her and Leia some privacy.

They walked down to the cafeteria for an early lunch. Rey made a salad at the salad bar; Poe picked a BLT and a bag of chips off the sandwich line.

They sat together quietly.

“You should go home and get some rest, clean up,” she suggested. “I can stay here until my shift starts; I have an extra work shirt in my locker.”

Poe nodded, somewhat absentmindedly. He took a bite of his sandwich.

“Have you talked to Ben?” His question was slightly muffled by his full mouth.

She shook her head, mournfully stabbing at her salad.     

“What the fuck has he been doing?” he snapped, slapping the sandwich down in frustration. He shook his head and brought a fisted hand to his mouth. “His own mother is in a hospital bed dying and we can’t even get him to return our phone calls.”

Rey felt sick. She sat back, pushing the plate of lettuce away from her. This whole situation, the dynamic between Leia and Ben, made her carry an unfamiliar weight in the center of her chest. She kept telling herself it was not her place - her opinion on the matter was not relevant. Yet, the further she was drawn into it - the closer she got to the center of it- the harder it was to stay unbiased.

Back at work, the dining room manager, Amilyn, gathered them all together for a staff meeting. She promised to keep things as regulated and routine as possible while she ran the restaurant in Leia’s absence. One of the line cooks was promoted to expo, which ended up being a smoother transition than anyone anticipated. Although the staff remained somewhat distracted and melancholy, they pulled through. It was, as they say, business as usual.   

A few days later, Leia had slipped into an unconscious state.

The four of them started to work in shifts by then. Sometimes it was all of them, scattered throughout the designated waiting area. Other times just one or two at a time, keeping vigil at Leia’s bedside. If in passing, they would catch each other up on any new information the nurses or doctors gave them, other times they would just hug and part ways silently.

Days off were spent drifting around the hospital, usually a repeat track of Leia’s room, the waiting area, and the cafeteria. Once, she and Rose wandered down into the chapel. Having not been a religious person herself, she was surprised by her own ease and comfort in the small, quiet room - lit warmly by a stained-glass window.

They sat in one of the three rows of dark cherry and burgundy benched pews. Rose lowered her head in prayer, reaching into the collar of her shirt - bringing forth a necklace and placing the pendant to her lips softly.

Rey watched her in silence. When Rose was finished, she sat back, still thoughtfully thumbing the necklace, her eyes distant.

“My sister gave me this before she left for Afghanistan,” she said softly. Her forehead furrowed as she let out a sigh through her nose. “You never know it’s the last time you’re going to see a person until it actually is the last time you see them.”

Without words, Rey looked back towards the stained-glass window before them. She closed her own eyes, offering a prayer, hoping whoever was out there was listening.      

Later that night she was alone. She briefly excused herself from the room as the night nurse, Lucinda as they came to know her, checked in for her rounds. She ambled down to the vending machines, ordering herself a pack of Twizzlers and a Dr. Pepper. She sat on the ledge of one of the large windows, overlooking the nightscape of their small city, snapping a bite off a candied red rope and chewing it, distracted.

It had been nearly 2 months since anyone had heard from Ben. Not a phone call, not a returned text. It was one thing to be involved - to be absorbed in what you were doing - it was another to fall off the face of the planet entirely.

She reached into her pocket, pulling out her phone. She took a swig of her soda - realizing this was probably more sugar than she had consumed in the entire month - and tapped Ben’s contact icon.

It went straight to voicemail.

She gave a frustrated sigh, pinching the bridge of her nose, sluggishly lifting herself from the ledge of the window.

As she shuffled her way back into the room, she halted abruptly in the doorway. A man, grey-haired and wearing a dark leather jacket, was bent over Leia, gingerly brushing back the hair from her forehead. He was whispering something to her when he stopped and turned his face towards Rey.

“Hi,” she breathed.

The man stood and Rey realized his other hand was clutching onto Leia’s.

“I’m Han,” he stated, simply standing there, not offering her a hand or moving further.

Her eyes scrambled quickly over his worn features. The large - crooked nose, the stern brow, the tilted chin. _Jesus_ , she thought as it finally clicked.

“Ben’s dad,” she whispered.

He gave a bashful nod. Rey’s eyes drifted to the blinking monitor on Leia’s bedside.

“You his girlfriend?” he asked, as he watched her approach it. She was looking at the numbers intently.

“No,” she answered softly. “Just a friend.”

He cleared his throat still watching her.

“What are you looking at? Is – is everything okay?” He scowled at the monitor suspiciously.

She turned her head towards him.

“Every time you speak, her heart rate goes up.” She pointed to the line that was steadily tracking Leia’s heartbeat in syncopated spikes and lines.

“She’s probably mad she’s not awake to throw a chair at me and chase me out of the room.”

“See?” Rey’s finger followed the spike on the monitor, the numbers beside it jumping up a few digits. She grinned at him; her face lit by the glow of the monitor. “I think she knows you’re here.”

His features softened into a sad look, as he turned his face back towards their clasped hands.

“I hope so.”

 

                                                                                                               ***

 

When the announcement was made, Ben just knew Snoke was going to call his name. All the same, when it finally happened, he couldn’t help but ball his fists and give himself a barely noticeable, congratulatory pump of his arms at his sides.

He did it. He _fucking_ did it.

Snoke approached him applauding, frail and gnarled hands clapping before his aged face. Snoke extended one of those bony hands, which Ben took with a shake.

Beside him, Phasma clapped as well, her irritation barely hidden as she looked anywhere but at Ben and Snoke before her.

He could practically feel the anger rolling off Hux as he silently seethed, hands firmly planted at his sides.

 _Fuck him,_  Ben thought thinking back over his past few months of sacrifice.

He had dug in, immersed himself. Day in and day out, he thought about nothing other than this restaurant, this company, this legacy. _His_ legacy now. He spent every waking moment over the past few weeks studying not just the function and importance of the restaurant but listening to the business. What were the shareholders expecting from them this upcoming quarter? How could they find new ways to strengthen their brand on social media?

When he suggested an alternative distribution channel plan for their line of potential in-store products, he saw a spark in Snoke’s eye that told him that he had finally done it. Pulled ahead of the rest. That just made him more determined to cross the finish line. He stopped looking at his phone for days on end, the useless device eventually being tossed into his desk drawer where it had surely died weeks ago. Everything he needed to focus on was right in front of him. He spent endless hours developing business plans and product ideas. He understood now. It was bigger than just the food, than just the bubble of the restaurant itself. His brain suddenly bloomed, growing, branching out into a million different directions.

Now, with the ceremony over and the contracts signed, he was ready to get to work. A fire inside him had been lit like never before. It roared in his belly and he couldn’t wait to stoke it, feed it and let it grow wild.

It would be two full weeks before they went public and he would officially be announced as the new face of the “ _First Order_ ”, a true dining business juggernaut. In the meantime, he was ready to relax. He packed up his things from his office, remembering to grab the lifeless phone from its settled position in the back of his drawer.

When he arrived in his apartment, he plugged it in and let it charge with the power still off.

It was nearly 10 pm before he remembered to turn it back on. It was amazing how quickly you could adapt to not having a phone when you really set your mind to it. He decided to take a quick shower before he was going to settle in with a movie on Netflix and then go to bed. From behind the curtain in his bathroom, he could hear this phone going berserk on the kitchen counter. Pinging, vibrating, beeping, chiming, every sort of noise coming from it for the entirety of his time under the running water. It was still going as he toweled himself dry and changed into a pair of pajama pants. He supposed that had to be somewhat normal, given the amount of time it was off.

In the back of his mind, he felt a pang of guilt. Maybe he should have told someone about his hiatus into chosen, focused isolation.

He was sure they would understand when he explained.

He crossed over to his kitchen counter casually unlocking the screen, only to be bombarded by notifications. Hundreds of text messages and dozens of missed phone calls. It was overwhelming. Suddenly, he was overrun by a sick, sinking feeling in his gut.        

Without bothering to open anything, he went straight to Rey’s contact and hit the call button.

 

                                                                                                              ***

 

Rey leaned back into the stiff fake leather of the chair in the waiting room, drawing her knees up to her chest. She smiled as Han continued his story.

“So then, after spending the whole day out on the boat working hard to catch our dinner for that night, Ben realizes that in order to cook the fish, we have to kill them first,” he smiled, shaking his head. “I come around to check on him and he’s taken the entire bucket and dumped it back into the lake! Our whole days’ work – gone!” He laughed heartily, leaning his head back. “We ate a can of green beans around the fire that night and never went camping again. Don’t ask me how the kid grew up to be a chef.”  

Rey grinned. Han was a great storyteller. She loved hearing stories about little Ben and their life before Leia opened her own restaurant. Han told her another story about the time Ben disagreed with his bedtime and announced to them he was moving into the treehouse in the backyard.

“That stubborn little shit slept out there for three days! Three days!” Han exclaimed. “I knew Leia was sneaking him food too, the traitor.”

He sighed. “Those were the good days. Before it all went sour.”

Rey rested her chin on her arms, folded over her knees. “At least you still remember the good days,” she said, thoughtfully.

Han eyed her quietly.

“So, what’s your deal kid?” he asked, lifting his coffee for a sip.

“What do you mean?”

He raised his eyebrows, giving a half-hearted shrug.

“You’re either the best friend Ben has ever had, or the best employee Leia has.”

Rey smiled sadly. “Can’t I be both?” He cast her a doubtful look.

She sighed. “I can’t get ahold of Ben. I’ve called him every day since she has been here. I – I think he shut his phone off.” Frowning, she toyed with the edge of her shirt sleeve. “I keep thinking I should go there, track him down and tell him – but then, I don’t want to leave Leia. I feel torn. Like I need to be here because he’s not.” Softly, she added, “I just don’t understand why he would disappear like this.”

Han had a disquieted look on his face. She suddenly realized she was musing that question to a man who was mastered in the art of disappearing.

His eyes shifted away with a grunt.

As if through a supernatural bond, Rey felt her phone vibrating in her back pocket. She unfolded herself to reach back for it, fingers nearly fumbling it to the floor when she saw Ben’s name on the screen. She shot up, putting the phone to her ear.

“Where have you been?” She exhaled into the phone, finally feeling a sense of relief wash over her.

“I-” he began, but she interrupted him. Something else took over her now, something unbridled, black and swirling.

“I’ve been trying to reach you for weeks!” It came out like a bark. Rey could not control the hysteria growing, bubbling up from within her. It rose above her normal defense mechanisms, flooding her rational mind. She was suddenly fevered, hot and trembling, her emotions betraying her as her eyes started to fill with tears. “How could you just disappear like that? Do you have any idea what-”, her choked voice caught in her throat. She was shaking. Her fear and fury finally erupting after weeks of suppression. She couldn’t speak, she just stood there with gritted teeth, hot tears flooding over her cheeks.

She felt a calming warm hand on her shoulder, as Han gently reached over, taking the phone from her tremoring fingers.

“Ben… it’s your father.”

 

                                                                                                               ***

 

Ben froze on the other end of the line.

Did he just fucking hear that correctly?

“You still there?” Han’s voice grumbled.

Ben’s jaw worked, the sinking feeling in his gut expanding out at a frightening pace.

“Y-yeah, I’m here.” He dropped onto a stool at his counter, stunned. He hadn’t heard his father’s voice in almost three years.    

“You’re going to need to come home, son. It’s your mother. She’s-” Han stilled, and Ben listened intensely, hanging on his words. “You’re going to need to come home,” he repeated.

Ben let out a shuddered sigh, his lashes suddenly feeling damp. He swallowed roughly.

“Is Rey still with you?”

“Yeah, she’s here.”

“Can you put her back on?” he asked weakly.

“I, ah-” His father hesitated. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Ben nodded to himself, then realizing he couldn’t be seen over the phone, cleared his throat.

“I’ll be there in the morning.”

“Alright… I’ll see you then.”

Ben dropped the phone into his lap. The call time still flashing on the screen.

He started to scroll through his unread messages and then stopped, feeling sick. Crossing to the lamp in his apartment, he switched it off, Netflix forgotten and went straight to bed – knowing full well that sleep would evade him. 

When he arrived at the hospital in the morning he was greeted by the thundering voice of Poe Dameron.

“And where the _fuck_ have you been?” Poe charged at him, fists clenched, as he approached the hospital entrance.

Ben was lethargic, slow-moving and numb from the lack of sleep and being ground down by the overwhelming churn of emotions inside him.

Poe stared up at him with a fierce, fiery rage, and Ben stared down at him broken, empty, nearly emotionless. Unsure if Poe was perhaps ready to slug him, Ben flinched when he shot forward, enveloping him in a strong and urgent hug.

“You’re here now,” he said sternly, rumbling against Ben’s chest. Poe backed away from him, clapping him on the back. His eyes were watery, and his mouth was turned down into a rough frown. “You’re here now,” he repeated.    

They walked together, taking the elevator up to Leia’s floor.

As they passed the waiting room, Ben noticed an old man, curled on his side sleeping across one of the couches. He was suddenly jolted a second later realizing that it was his own father. When had he gotten so old?  

Poe turned to him just outside Leia’s room.

“I want you to be prepared for when you see her,” Poe warned him quietly, gripping both his arms.  

Ben’s eyes wandered up to the doorframe of her room. He suddenly felt scared. The kind of trickling and paralyzing fear you only feel when you are a small, helpless child. The kind of fear that encircles you in the night, causing you to cry out for your mother. Only, this time, she cannot come and shoo your terror away with warm hugs and kisses into your hair. This time, she is on the other side of that doorway.

“Do you want me to come in with you?” Poe asked.

Ben shook his head.

“No. I’d like to be alone with her for a little while.”

Poe nodded and Ben stepped into the quiet room on his own.

Once inside, he could hear the soft beeps and hums of the different machines within the room. The space itself was cool and peaceful, the ambient noises blending together in a lulled, sleepy symphony.

When he saw her he lost his breath.

She looked so small, misplaced in the roiling sea of white sheets and blankets. She was propped up comfortably, soft grey hair falling over her shoulders. He hadn’t seen her with it down in years.

Despite the jarring difference in the fullness of her face since he last saw her, and the oxygen tube strung under her nose, she looked rested. Serene even. The signature pinched wrinkles between her eyebrows, now relaxed and smooth. He pulled a chair close to the bed and sat in it.

Her hand rested before him. Delicate but worn from years of hard work - soft blue veins showing under pale crepe skin. He reached forward to clasp it, suddenly remembering being a kid and watching these hands with fascination as they deftly rolled and twisted floured pasta on the kitchen counter.

“Mom,” he said softly. He rubbed his thumb across bones and soft skin. “I’m here. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t get here sooner.” He swallowed, and leaned forward, pressing his mouth to the flat backs of her fingers.

He had another thought, another memory from another time. When he had stormed off from home, an angsty and moody pre-teen. Disappeared for hours only to try to slip back through the front door in the middle of the night. She was waiting for him, sitting on the staircase. It was apparent she had fallen asleep there until he returned. She looked bone-weary and drained as she rose up. Her eyes were disheartened and glossy. His adolescent self suddenly felt a deep sense of shame for keeping her up, making her worry. Making her wonder if he was safe or would come back.

Ben stood and leaned over to lay the most hesitant of kisses on the corner of her hairline. “If it’s too much, you don’t have to wait anymore. You can go now. I’m okay,” he told her, his thumb still bumping softly over her knuckles.

Chef Leia Organa peacefully slipped away within the hour, surrounded by her family.       

 

                                                                                                               ***

 

When Rey heard the knock at her door, she was certain who was on the other side.

She opened it and he stood there, silent, eyes cast down to the ground.

Finally, he lifted them to meet hers and Rey instantly knew.

For a fleeting moment, she no longer saw the man before her, but instead, a little boy lost and devastated. She stepped forward, wrapping comforting arms around his waist, pulling him into her. Ben’s arms cradled her over her shoulders, his face burying into the soft waves of her hair. They stayed like that for a long time before she finally broke away, taking his hand and leading him inside.

She sat him down at one of the stools beside her kitchen island, quietly asking him if he wanted tea or anything to eat. He politely declined, running a heavy hand over his face.

“I think I just need some rest,” he stated, looking up at her with broken and weary eyes. Fighting back her tears, Rey nodded, gesturing to her room.

“Go lay down. I’ll make something and you can eat when you wake up.” He obliged her, pulling himself off his seat and sluggishly making his way to her room.

 

                                                                                                                ***

 

When Ben awoke again, it was dark. He was surrounded by her smell, buried deep within the trenches of her comforter and bed sheets. Soap and lavender and clean linen and _her_. He buried his nose into the fabric around him, inhaling, his eyes still closed. He could hear her through the sliding door, speaking quietly, he assumed on the phone.

“No…” she hesitated. “No, I think he just needs some time.” There was a pause. “Okay. I will. Goodnight.” He heard her heavy sigh, then the sound of the phone landing on the counter. He dragged himself out of bed.

She was standing in the kitchen area and she greeted him with a soft smile. The lights were dim, just the standing lamp in the corner of the living room and the streetlights illuminating her apartment. It was very quiet.  

He moved to her, hands framing her face as he washed over her features. He leaned down, his lips brushing over her forehead. She reached up, her hands wrapping around his wrists for a gentle pause before she broke away from him - moving past him to the stove. She bent to open the door to the oven, pulling out a pan.

“I made some chicken,” she said, using an oven mitt to transfer it onto the stovetop.

He watched her with a sinking heart. Something was different. He could feel the shift. Something had changed.

“Rey,” he said quietly, stuck, frozen in place.

Facing away from him, she stilled, head down. “I’d rather not do this now,” she whispered, and he saw a hint of a tremble in her fingers as she reached for a pair of tongs.

“Okay,” he hushed. He swallowed roughly, his throat feeling like it was in a knot.

They ate in relative silence, both lost in their own thoughts. When they were finished, she rose to bring her plate to the sink, and he followed behind her. He took the sponge from her hands and insisted on doing the dishes.

And with that, her face crumbled.

She was crying and he just stood there, stunned, feeling like a shell-shocked asshole.

Finally, he pulled her in close to him and she buried her face into his chest as she sobbed.

After a few minutes, she pulled away from him, eyes shining, face wet from tears.

“I can’t do this anymore,” she said weakly. Her lips trembled and he felt his heart pierce in his chest.

He nodded, mute from a loss of words.

Rey sniffed and sighed, a shaking hand reaching up to swipe at her face.

“You can stay as long as you need to, but I think you should sleep on the couch.”

He nodded again, turning to the sink, ready to be distracted by a menial task.   

Later, in the middle of the night, he lay on his back, staring up at her ceiling. The events of the day swirling and swarming in his head as he tried to force himself back to sleep. He thought about his mother, about the awkward reunion with his father and about all the plans they were going to have to make in the morning. He thought about Rey crying in the kitchen, the way her features collapsed with sorrow and remorse. He thought about how, for the first time ever, he couldn’t wait to get back to New York.

To escape.

As she always seemed to know when he was needing her, he heard the door to her room slide open and she was standing before him a moment later.    

Ben looked up at her in the dark. She was in an oversized t-shirt that read _“Rosé and Slay”_ and a pair of soft cotton shorts. Her hair was loose, wavy and slightly bed rumpled. She looked down at him in silence, and he reached forward, his fingers curling around to the back of her knee.

She didn’t say anything.

He shifted, sitting up, his hand moving up to grasp ahold of her hip. He pushed out a steadying breath, before he reached out, gripping her other side as well. His thumbs thoughtfully rubbed circles into the fabric of her shirt and he just breathed.

She was silent still.

His head stayed down as he gently moved her closer to him. When she was finally close enough, he burrowed his face against her stomach with a sigh. The material of her shirt became wet quickly, as he was finally able to let himself cry. Desperate for her comfort, he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her further into him. He felt needy and raw as he wept into her.

Eventually, her fingers gently threaded through the hair at his nape, softly running through its length, murmuring comforting words as he continued to bury himself against her.

He wasn’t sure exactly when they had shifted and how he managed to fall asleep, but when he awoke in the morning, she still had him wrapped in her arms. Not wanting to wake her and have it end, he lay there, head still cradled on her chest, listening to the soft rhythm of her heartbeat. He was aware that this was it. This was as close as he was going to get - possibly ever again. His gut felt sunken and weak as she shifted below him, stirring awake.

He promised himself he would respect her wishes. He even told himself that it was for the best, he would no longer be distracted - half his mind and heart always somewhere else. He swore that he would find a way to backpedal into a platonic friendship.

When he felt her reach up and gently tuck his hair behind his ear, he knew that was going to be impossible. He was going to spend the rest of his life pathetically worshipping her from a distance, completely enraptured and helpless to do anything about it.


	9. Itchin' on a Photograph

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I'm itchin' on a photograph  
> Yeah I'm scratching on a thermostat  
> Yeah I'm letting go of all that I had  
> Yeah I'm living now and living last  
> I'm itchin' on a photograph”
> 
> -Grouplove  
> [Itchin' on a Photograph](url)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! I wrote this chapter and much to my horror, read a very similar chapter in another story and thought about scrapping it entirely... BUT, I was reassured by the lovely and always helpful [JenfysNest](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenfysNest) telling me, "Nah, you're good."
> 
> As always, thanks for reading!
> 
>  

Once back in New York, Ben felt more in place and useful than he had in the whole year and a half since he packed up his things and crammed himself into his small city apartment.

He had just finished an interview with _“What’s for Dinner”_ magazine, his first official spread since taking over the helm of the _First Order_. It was a light and airy interview, the magazine itself geared towards working mothers who were looking for quick and easy dishes to whip up for their families, just with ingredients that wouldn’t cost them their own waistlines. Ben submitted four recipes he could have made in his sleep and posed for pictures while cooking in a hunter green cardigan – something he wouldn’t be caught dead doing in real life.

“Give them the husband they wish they were going home to,” Snoke had drawled, coinciding with the photographer’s vision.

Snoke was always skulking in the wings - ever the shriveled puppet master - ordering around the PA’s and photographers, whispering in the ears of the interviewers.

This was all a dog and pony show.

He, or rather “Chef Solo” was now a creation, someone like Ben, yet different. A palatable version for the masses.

Ben was much better at slipping into his Chef Solo persona than he ever imagined. It was becoming like a mask, something he could easily pull down and hide behind. Originally, there were ideas tossed around about changing his name entirely, starting from scratch, developing a second identity for him, almost like equity actors do.

But Kylo Ren, despite being legally licensed and trademarked, lived and died in the length of a few boardroom meetings. Snoke preferred Ben Solo, said it had a wholesome quality to it. Truthfully, Ben didn’t care either way.

Next week they were filming a pilot for a television competition where up and coming chefs would compete against each other in weekly competitions, creating new dishes from secret ingredients in limited time slots. It was just like at least 3 other shows currently airing right now, with the exception that the judging chefs also got to step in a mentor the competitors, sharing with them new techniques and ideas to help advance them along towards the finals. It was called “ _Plated_ ” and it was a two-month filming commitment. 

After that, he was going to Italy, for the first time ever – to spend another two months traveling, taping him talking to locals, experiencing the culture, eating all the food. This series would be called “ _First Order –  World View_ ” and would be airing in the Fall, at which point, he would be back in New York, where the second season of “ _Plated_ ” would be filming – if it got picked up- and he would begin working on an Italian cookbook companion guide for the recipes he gathering during his time in Italy.

It gave him a sense of comfort to have nearly the next year mapped out for him. In-between, there was a smattering of interviews, social appearances and brief times off, which at this point, he doubted he would want to do anything except hang around his apartment in his underwear, sleep till noon, and drink beers in solitude. Maybe he would find some time to visit home.     

It was 7 am and he was ready to head out to the gym, getting in a full work out before going into the office, ready for another 14-16-hour workday. He was getting used to it now. Almost welcoming the distraction that a busy life offered him. Less time to think about his mistakes. About the people he wounded. About Rey crying in her goddamn kitchen and shattering his heart completely.

The days after his mother’s death were a blur. He remembered only a few key points.

Like arguing with his father and his endlessly grating Uncle Luke about burial or cremation, only to discover Leia had already made a funeral plan for them, prior to her passing. He had actually smiled at that because _of course_ she did. That was her, planning out every detail, right up to the last moment.

Still, they argued over the wake dates and times, and after that, what would be said in her obituary.  When they started arguing in the funeral parlor about what music would play during the services, Ben realized he needed a break from those two.

Something about his father, mother, and Uncle -in any combination- had always drained him. Even at a young age. He thought about the summer his parents shipped him off to Luke’s and he spent the entire time brooding, wanting nothing more than to be back home in his own room, where he would be doing the same damn thing, just in more familiar surroundings.

If he were being truthful, he would admit that he was a miserable little shit pretty consistently after the age of 8 or so. Something inside of him changed. The innocence of the earlier years of his life lost and washed away, as he would sit at the top of his stairs and listen to his parents fight. They would scream at each other, sometimes until going hoarse – occasionally reaching a fever-pitch with something shattering against a wall or items clattering to the floor. It never resorted to anything physical bodily, one of them managing to break away in sometimes visible restraint, but it was something his young mind was always afraid would happen.

He sometimes thought about what he would have to do if it ever did come to blows. Would he have to rush between them? Who would he have to defend? Thankfully, it never happened.

Most of the time, his father would just leave. Storm out the door and return, sometimes hours, sometimes days later. By then, his mother’s emotions would be mitigated, letting Han back in with quiet acceptance and things would go back to normal until the next big blowout.

It was exhausting and Ben promised himself he would never be like that - like them. So in love and desperate for each other that it walked a wobbly line between dependence and madness.

Unable to stand the other, but also unable to live without them. Helpless in the push and pull and intensity of their own magnetism.

When he was standing in the kitchen with Rey, when he watched her trembling fingers attempt to hide whatever was brewing inside her - he knew they were there. She was fighting the pull towards him, pushing back with all her strength. Too wounded - sinking wildly into a pit of her own feelings.

And he was ashamed because he had done it to her.

The next day at lunch, after picking out flowers for Leia’s casket display, he and Poe sat down at a café, somewhere close to the florist shop that Ben probably couldn’t find his way back to if he tried.

“ _Oh_ , so you thought going completely AWOL from your orphaned secret girlfriend who, let’s be real, is probably stifling some pretty fucked up abandonment issues, wouldn’t cause any problems?” Poe asked him, deadpan, as he casually took a sip of his steaming coffee. “Nmm,” he continued, “I’m sure the whole dying mother thing hardly made it worse.”

“I’m sorry,” Ben was white knuckled, clutching his flatware. “I’ve told you, I didn’t...” the sentence died on his lips, as he gave a frustrated sigh and looked away. “You guys don’t know what I am dealing with there.” Deep down, Ben knew, if any of them were to understand, it would have been Leia. It was his single solace. But Rey couldn't understand, and perhaps never would. 

Poe lifted a shoulder, his gaze also moving away to look anywhere else. “I’ve already forgiven you.” He murmured into his mug with another sip. “I am aware of what a colossal dipshit you are.”

That was comforting, in its own way. He thought back to when Poe first came around, nearly 6 or so years ago now. Ben was initially jealous over the bond he seemed to have with his mother. There was a natural ease between them and sometimes Ben found himself envious of Poe’s ability to bring out the warmth in her he could never quite draw forth himself.

He thought about the first time they met.

Poe had come to his interview in a dark grey dress shirt, black slacks, and a horrendous wine-colored tie. He exuded his usual cool and calm demeanor, seemingly having the interview in the bag until Leia asked him the question that tripped him up immensely.

“If we were to run a background check on you, is there anything you would like to warn us about ahead of time?”

Immediately, Ben could see the change in him. Beaded sweat budding on his forehead, the flush to his face, the tug at that ugly tie. Poe fidgeted, and then finally nodded.

“I’m a felon,” he admitted with a sense of embarrassment. Ben remembered just watching his mother observe Poe, her face unreadable.

“What did you go to prison for?” She asked him coolly, non-judgmental, just wanting the facts.

He cleared his throat, shifting uncomfortably. “I uh- I got caught trafficking in a school zone. It was my buddy’s car, there was an illegal firearm in the glovebox.” He looked down at his hands, and Ben remembered feeling a hint of pity for him because there was _no_ fucking way Leia was going to hire him now. Poe raised his eyes and looked back and forth between the two. “It was a stupid mistake made by a stupid kid. I did 3 years and got out early for good behavior a few months ago.”

Again, Leia’s expression was the definition of placidity.

She rose, extending her hand to him.

“Mr. Dameron, it has been a pleasure. We will be contacting you regarding the position within a few business days. We still have a handful of interviews to conduct.”

The very next day she called him into her office from his own. Her head was down, her glasses had slid down her nose, as she continued to write while he stood in the doorway.

“Have Holdo call that Dameron fellow and offer him the open server position.”

Ben almost had to pick himself up off the floor. He gaped at her. “The criminal?”

She raised her eyes and gave him a wry look over the rim of her glasses. “That’d be the one.”

Now, with Poe sitting before him, his life changed by one act of kindness from a stranger, he felt guilty for thinking so low of him. Poe, despite his sometimes-lecherous sexual appetite, was a great man. One of his dearest and best friends.  

The man who just stood beside him as he was helplessly lost in a sea of bouquets, ribbons and ferns, and suggested they use calla lilies in her arrangement because she mentioned liking their simplicity once.

“When are you going back?” Poe asked, pulling him out of his ravine. Ben frowned.

“Probably right after the services.” He had the time, he thought about staying a few more days, but – Rey. He could not, would not impose on her. Didn’t trust himself not to do something stupid, to say the wrong thing, to control his own bastard hands from betraying him. It would only make it worse for them both.     

Truthfully, all he wanted to do was put miles and time between them. Rid himself of the ache in his chest and get back to a routine.

Which is exactly what he did.

 

                                                                                                                ***

 

In the months after Leia’s death and Ben’s return to New York, Rey tried her best to find new routines, to balance her off-kilter emotions and return to some level of normalcy.

She started running in the morning while listening to podcasts, desperately trying to distract her wandering mind. She would sometimes go for miles, not realizing it until the topic she was listening to switched to another or the show itself ended. Sometimes she would just keep going until that topic ended too. Once, she went so far, her legs were like jelly beneath her, and she had to sheepishly call Rose for a ride to come get her.

“What the hell is wrong with you!” Rose exclaimed, rolling down the window as she pulled up to her sitting on the side of the road. Rey struggled to stand and get in the car. She flopped into the passenger seat, almost unable to feel her legs at all. “You’re 7 miles East of friggen nowhere! You could have been eaten by a bear or abducted by some incestual hillbilly mountain clan!”

Rey leaned back, relieved to be seated again. “If they’re incestual, they wouldn’t be interested in me anyway.”

“They could eat you for breakfast!” Rose exclaimed.

Rey laughed, offering a brief apology and a promise to never wander that far again. She knew full well she would do it again, addicted to the high of the run, the pleasure and pain it brought to her screaming limbs. Just next time she would be more careful about going too far out of the city.

The group of them now had a regular-standing Monday date night once a month, where they would gather at someone’s apartment and cook, then all sit together and watch their favorite movies.

They often picked cuisine themes: Thai night consisting of spicy green papaya salad, Panang curry, and shrimp lettuce cups, washed down by some Sangsom, which was surprisingly sweet for a cheap whiskey. Iranian night featured a series of kabobs, heaps of jeweled rice, baghali polo, and of course, Sabzi Khordan.

There were a few times during their experiments into some more exotic ventures where messages and questions with Ben had to be exchanged. It appeared he was intent on making up for his prior communication breakdown by being available as much as possible now.

When Finn took a crack at making Turkish Manti for the first time, he had called Ben on a video chat, having Poe hold the phone before him, as Finn struggled to get his bearings on the spice balance of the dish.

“A little more cumin,” Ben coached him, watching with a frown. “Paste some garlic and mix it in with the yogurt. Do you have Aleppo chili flakes?” When Finn nodded yes, Ben grinned, “good man.”

Rey was watching the three of them (well, two and the phone), perched over the corner of Poe and Finn’s chez lounge sofa. A silent observer. She smiled, taking in the scene.

“Okay,” Finn sighed, lifting hands away from the counter. “Here goes nothing. Thank you for the help, Benjamin,” he gave an air kiss in the direction of the phone.

“No problem,” Ben replied.

Poe spun the phone around to face him. “We’ll send you a picture when it’s all done.” He flashed the phone downward, simultaneously pulling his pants away from his body to peak his notoriously known commando status to Ben. “See you in my dreams.” He then turned the screen towards her, “Say bye, Rey.”

She shot up, surprised, and raised a palm. “Bye.”

She caught a glimpse of a brief smile, before the video cut out.    

It wasn’t as if she was purposely avoiding Ben, it was more like they were both giving each other some breathing room. That, or they just didn’t know what the fuck to say to one another quite yet. It appeared neither wanted to be the one to distress the other and therefore, they slipped into a few solid months of not communicating at all.

There were times when she would be sitting with Rose and she would be thumbing away at her phone. She would ask who she was talking to and Rose would casually answer, “Ben”, then update her on some small detail of his life that she was currently missing out on.

Poe would mention having talked to Ben that afternoon or Finn would ask if she had seen Ben’s latest Instagram post. She didn’t even have an Instagram account. She was one of those rare, freakish people that didn’t usually have an interest in social media.

It was like none of them were even aware that she and Ben were in a correspondence standoff.

The whole thing sucked. She missed her friend. Devastating and achingly so.

One afternoon she and Rose were hanging out in her apartment as Rose thumbed through the latest edition of “ _What’s for Dinner_ ” magazine. Ben was featured in one of the stories, and Rose had opened to the spread with a laugh.

“Ben cooking in a cardigan like Mr. Rogers! Pssh, yeah right!” She shook her head, amused.

“I think I want to make an Instagram account,” Rey said casually as if she hadn’t been thinking about it nearly half the day. Rose could barely contain her excitement.

“Pleeeease let me help you with your profile picture photoshoot!” She begged from across the couch.

“Is that, like a normal thing?” Rey asked, perhaps already regretting this decision.

 _“Is that a normal thing,”_ Rose repeated back in a tone of disgust. “I swear, it’s like you’re from another planet sometimes. Just trust me.”

So, Rey did. She let Rose curl her hair, which she had just recently cut again, bringing it up just below her ears – loose and wild. When Rose was applying some shadow to her lids, she shrugged her phone between her shoulder and her ear.

“Hey, what are you doing?” She asked the person on the other end. “Huh, yeah, I’m giving Rey an Instagram photoshoot. Come over,” she dropped the phone to the couch without even hanging up.

Rose picked out a few outfits from her closet and as Rey stepped out of her room wearing the first one, Finn pushed through the front door, letting himself in with his own key.

“Yaaasssss!” He threw his head back in celebration. “The lighting is perfect this time of day. Let’s do this thing!”     

He had posed her up against the large window in the center of her apartment. Her back pressed to the frame, face turned towards the pane, as Rose rushed forward, adjusting her chin and pinching and lifting a piece of her hair.

“I feel silly,” Rey confessed, watching the activity on the street a story below her.

“You don’t _look_ silly,” Finn promised her.

Eventually, she let herself relax, allowing her two friends to fret over her, stand her here, move her arm like this, tilt her head like that. She cracked a few times, breaking into peals of laughter, truthfully enjoying how seriously they were taking everything.

Finn dutifully began swiping away at his phone, sorting through which ones he liked best and editing the standouts. Rose had Rey’s phone, going through the process of setting up an account.

“What do you want your account name to be?”

“Uh,” Rey didn’t know how to answer that. “My first and last name, I guess?”

Rose rolled her eyes and made a fart sound with her mouth.

“Rey… of… Sunshine,” she typed, the tip of her tongue peeking out from the side of her mouth.

She scrunched her nose in disappointment.

“Rey, _Sweetheart_ … of… Sunshine,” She corrected with a nod and a grin. “Like She-Ra, Princess of Power!” She added, somewhat proud of herself.

“Who?” Rey asked, confused.

Rose huffed, “I’m done with you today, I swear.”

Finn still had his phone to his face. “Sending over my top three right… now.”

Rose gasped, a giddy little ‘squee’ escaping under her breath. She examined the pictures carefully.

“I vote the second one as profile pic, the others as first posts.”

“I concur,” nodded Finn with authority.

“Don’t I get to vote?” Rey asked, with a laugh.

“No,” they both answered, neither looking up from their phones.

A few minutes later, Rose held her phone out in front of her, beaming.

“Welcome to social media, Rey!”

Rey looked to her phone, still clutched in Rose’s hand, and was stunned. A picture of her, with some ridiculously flattering hued filter, so gorgeous she could hardly believe her eyes. Her face turned over her shoulder toward the camera, hair a tantalizing sweep of waves, her expression... enticing. She snatched the phone, staring down- still unbelieving.

She flipped to the next, a candid shot of her laughing naturally, standing in the flattering afternoon light of the window. The last was set lower, her hair swept up in a bun, her face turned slightly, eyes focused off camera.

“I look like Audrey Hepburn,” she gasped.

Rose and Finn exchanged prideful looks.

“You look like _Rey_ ,” Finn corrected, with a smile.

Rey felt her face getting hot. “I can’t let people see these!” She flicked back through the photos.

“Too late,” Rose teased. “I already added myself and Finn, by the way.”

She was quiet for a moment.

“It’s quite self-indulgent, isn’t it?” She grinned.

“That’s kinda the whole point,” Rose laughed.

Later, after they had left, she found herself idly scrolling through the profiles of people she knew, many of which added her through a picture Rose had tagged her in.

It was an off to the side shot of Finn, knelt before her, taking the third picture of her they had chosen.

The caption read:

 

**When your friend is a supermodel but doesn't know it - YOU THROW HER A PHOTO SHOOT!**

 

Rey smiled. 

A notification dropped down from the top of her screen.

 

**ChefSolo wants to follow you     Confirm/Delete**

 

“GAH!” She exclaimed, the phone flipping out of her hands to clatter on her floor.

She let it sit there for a moment as she forced her heart back down into her chest. She retrieved the phone from its face-down position, breathed a sigh of relief for no damage, and then tapped to view his profile. Sure enough, it was Ben. His account even had a little blue stamp with a check in it and everything -which apparently was some sort of a big deal.

She felt weird. Like a sneaky little voyeur.

Another notification dropped down at the top of her screen.

 

**KyloRen.F.O. wants to follow you   Confirm/Delete.**

 

She ignored that one, swiping it off to the side to focus on Ben’s profile.

A lot of food - food he was preparing, food he was eating.

More pictures of himself than she would have guessed. Pictures of him in the _First Order_ kitchen all suited up in his chef’s coat. Pictures of him out and about in New York, signature black on black t-shirt and leather jacket. Pictures of him on the set of a television show. _A picture of him looking directly into the camera!_

She jumped - switching off the screen of her phone, momentarily resting it face down on the couch.

 _This is dangerous,_ her brain tried warned her. ****

“Don’t be stupid,” she chastised herself, picking the phone back up. She expanded her pinched fingers to zoom in a little, feeling a tantalizing tickle rise on the back of her neck. Then, without knowing how she even did it, a little heart flashed on the screen.

“Shit!” She tapped it to make it go away, but it didn’t. She text Rose in a panic.

 

**REY: When the heart thing shows up, does that mean the other person knows I was looking at their stuff?**

 

**ROSE: Total friggen space alien, I swear**

 

**ROSE: Yes, it means you liked their photo.**

 

“Shit, shit, _shit!_ ” Rey cursed through clenched teeth.

 

**REY: There’s no way to change it?**

 

**ROSE: Nope**

 

**ROSE: What did you like?**

 

Rey was hot with embarrassment.

 

**REY: One of Ben’s photos**

 

**ROSE: Stalker**

 

**REY: He sent me a follow request! I had to look!**

 

**ROSE: Oh, so he noticed you had an account, did he?**

 

**ROSE: TWIN STALKERS!! 😂🤣**

 

**ROSE: … the plot thickens**

 

**ROSE: REYLO 2.0, The Online Edition 😍**

 

**REY: God I hate you right now**

 

**ROSE: Relax. Ben has like 10k followers or stupid something like that**

 

**ROSE: He probably won’t even notice**

 

**REY: HE DOES?!**

 

**ROSE: You really have no idea what our friend is up to, do you?**

 

**ROSE: Just curious, how old is the picture?**

 

Rey flipped back to her Instagram screen and groaned.

 

**REY: 2 months ago 😱**

 

**ROSE: BWHAHAHA!**

 

**ROSE: You are hopeless! 😆**

 

Rey closed the message box and returned to his photo.

“Too late to back out now,” she muttered to herself, tapping the “Confirm button”.

 

                                                                                                                ***

 

Within minutes, he received a series of notifications:

 

**Rey_SweetheartofSunshine liked your post**

**Rey_SweetheartofSunshine accepted your follow request**

**Rey_SweetheartofSunshine is following you**

 

He felt… nervous.

He tapped her profile. Just two photos, save her profile picture.

He had hesitated to request her at all, reaching a point where he finally felt like he was making some headway in healing his pitiful little heart. That was all chucked out the window with just a glance at those sparkling amber and green flecked eyes and the curve of her cheek - held in his palm once again.

He ran the edge of his thumb along her jaw, accidentally liking the photo as he did so.

“Ah, fuck!” He spat. “Fucking _Instagram_!”

He tossed his phone aside, gripping his thumbs in his fists as if to punish them.

After a few moments, he released them, grabbing his phone again.

_Fuck it. It was already done._

He liked her other photo as well and below it wrote.

 

**Great shot. I feel like I can hear you laughing from here.**

 

He breathed deep. _Friendly, right? Maybe not... Shit. Maybe I should delete it._

 She responded:

 

**Not hard when Finn is playing the role of Annie Leibovitz.**

 

Ben let out a sigh of relief. It had taken months, and it was only on a stupid social media site, but at least it was something.

 


	10. Neon Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Longing, confessions, trying new things (or not), and maybe a little bit of self-love to ease the ache.
> 
> “The jukebox plays on drink by drink  
> And the words to every sad song seem to say what I think  
> And this pain inside of me  
> It ain't never gonna end  
> Oh, but I'll be alright  
> As long as there's light  
> From a neon moon  
> Oh, if you lose your one and only  
> There's always room here for the lonely  
> To watch your broken dreams  
> Dance in and out of the beams of a neon moon”
> 
> -Kasey Musgraves  
> [Neon Moon](https://youtu.be/7J-QsMC64kM)

She walked into Poe and Finn’s apartment one evening, arriving for their standard Monday night dinner party. Rose was already warming up to her highest decimal.

“ _Unbelievable!_ ”

Frowning, Rey watched her, carrying the paper bag she was holding over to the counter. She put it down, pulling out two bottles of wine and a bushel of parley they had asked her to pick up.

Finn was holding his face in his hand, shaking his head.

“I can’t believe you told her,” he muttered.

Poe gave a half-hearted shrug and leaned forward to greet Rey with a faint kiss against her cheek. Rey returned the gesture, handing him the parsley.

Rose’s mouth was still hanging open and Rey smiled.

“Okay, you gotta tell me now,” she laughed, moving to their cupboards to grab herself a wine glass.

“Do _you_ know about Angela?” Rose squawked.

Rey frowned, pouring out some red wine for herself. “Who’s Angela?” She asked, raising the glass to her lips.

“Uh, apparently the woman Finn and Poe have threesomes with!”

Rey’s hand flew to her mouth, attempting to prevent her from spurting wine all over their white cabinets. She swallowed roughly.

“I’m sorry, _what_?” She coughed.

Finn groaned, hand still shielding his face.

“Don’t be such a Puritan, Rosie,” Poe chastised, clearly enjoying her outrage. “It’s not a big deal. She’s just a friend we occasionally have stop by to…” he grinned. “Hangout. Naked. In our bed.”

Rey eyed the three of them. Finn looking mortified, Rose still wildly shocked, Poe just lapping it all up.

“It’s good to try new things, I suppose.” Rey agreed casually, mostly just to get a reaction out of Rose. Poe flicked his finger at her in approval, happy to have an ally.

Rose just huffed, mouth still hanging open. She crossed her arms.

“Nobody ever asks me to do _anything_!” She pouted, disapprovingly.

Poe moved to her quickly, wrapping his arms around her and peppering her head with kisses.

“What’s a matter Rosie? You’re jealous you can’t be the center of a Poe-Poe and Finny sandwich?”

Rose squealed and squirmed in his grip.

“No! Get away from me! It’s too late. You reek of _Angela_!” She could hardly speak through her laughter.

Finn finally gave up his embarrassment, managing to laugh himself, as he came to stand by Rey at the counter.

She eyed him mischievously.

“Angela, huh?” She looked down at her glass, swirling the liquid around the bulb. “Not Tom or Phil or Ferdinand. _Angela_ …” she said it slow, drawing out the vowels. She raised her eyebrow.

He smiled faintly, shaking his head and loosening the tie around the bundle of parsley.

“Remember that hair-brained sex theory Poe had about ice cream and trying out new flavors?” She laughed at the memory, nodding. He lifted his shoulder with a shrug, a thoughtful expression on his face. “Turns out, you don’t really know what you like until you give it a try.”

Rey grinned into her glass.

“I bet you’re a kinky little freak, aren’t you, Sunshine?” Poe asked her, slyly eyeing her from across the room, now holding Rose in a half-hearted headlock. “I’m gonna have to hit Benny up for the graphic details,” he said with a grunt, grinding the knuckles of his fist into Rose’s head, before releasing her.

Poe was still a pervert, that was for sure. No amount of domesticated bliss would change that.

Rey couldn’t control the heat rising in her face nor the grin on her lips.

“Mmm,” she hummed. “I don’t think Ben would be one to share very specific details…” she teased.

As if they were grade-schoolers, all three looked at her now with wide eyes, chorusing “ _Oooooooh_ ”, the implication lighting excitement amongst them.

“Is – is this a _confession,_  Sunshine?” Poe mocked in an astonished tone. “Are we finally admitting that something may have continued after you two a-holes tried to pathetically pretend you weren’t mauling each other behind closed doors all the time?”

Rey laughed and simply raised her eyebrows again, stealing another sip from her wine glass.

“ _I knew it_!” Rose screamed. She pointed a finger to Poe, then Finn. “I told you! REYLO!” She shook her little fists to the ceiling.

She leaped from her seat, scurrying over to stand between Finn and Rey.

“Spill. Did you ever do it in the restaurant?”

Rey frowned but didn’t even have a chance to answer.

“Is he into butt stuff?” Poe asked.

“Is it…” Finn held a zucchini up in front of him, his eyes going to it, then back to her, then back to it.

“Oh my God, why do I tell you people anything!” She laughed.

“Are you still doing it?” Rose asked, practically enraptured now. “Do you make sneaky trips to New York and hang from his ceiling fan?” She gasped, “ _Have you done it in the backseat of a taxi_?” She took a gulp of her wine and fanned herself. “This is too much! I can’t handle it!”

“No, we are no longer… involved.” Rey said, with a clearing of her throat. “Things ended a while ago… when Leia died.”

Again, in unison, all three “ _Ahh-ed_ ”, as if it all made sense now.

“So - wait … you broke up with him after his Mom died…” Finn raised his brows. “ _Savage_.”

“I didn’t break up with him, we weren’t even _together_!” Rey balked.

“Still…” Rose agreed with Finn. “Yeesh.”

Rey surveyed them in shock, mouth open.

“I ended it when he _disappeared_ for two months, leaving us to deal with his dying mother, yes.” She was getting defensive now, she knew. Suddenly feeling unnerved by it all, she wrapped her arms around herself. “It was inevitable. It never would have worked out anyway.”

Her eyes moved from Finn, who was watching her sadly – to Poe, who was giving her a sorrowed frown – to Rose, who looked like she might burst into tears. None of them said anything. Instead, Finn went back to prepping dinner, Poe ran a rough hand through his hair and Rose sighed, woefully.

It was over. Long over. Over by a year and a half - over.

Truthfully, she was fine with her newfound nunnery inspired love life. Lately, she wanted to avoid all things that made the heat in her face rise and her heart pound. Celibacy was easy. Celibacy was simple. _Celibacy won’t move away and leave you on read for two months._

Rey shook the nasty thought from her head. She was trying not to listen to that hissing and scheming part of her that liked to whisper dark and negative thoughts when she was already feeling down.

She had been avoiding the truth for a long time but it all bubbled up the night she answered the call from Ben at the hospital. Once it was unleashed, had risen out of its cage - snarling and terrifying - and she was not able to force it back down.

The rejection ate her up. The feeling of being so unimportant and so meaningless to him, he couldn’t even warrant a text message, consumed her wildly. It had swallowed her whole and sometimes when she really thought about it, it threatened to do so over and over again.  

It brought her right back to another night. The only memory she had of a life, long ago. Watching two young people disappear into a station wagon, the blazing headlights searing into her eyes through the slats of the blinds as they pulled away. The raw fear in her tiny stomach as she screamed and cried into the blackened, abandoned flat for them to come back until her small body wretched.  

It took her a while to finally admit how broken she still was. She was still that angry, scared and howling little girl - clawing and gnashing her way through her feelings of loss and disappointment. She was alive in her. They were in this together. Lifemates - whether she wanted her or not.    

While Rey abstained, Rose had trajected herself through a series of lackluster relationships, once again finding herself on the dating scene. Sometimes the two of them would go out together, Rey completely uninterested in speaking to anyone, Rose ready to meet her next soulmate. To her credit, Rose did get hit on a lot. Between her naturally attractive looks,  infectious personality, and irresistible charm, she never had a problem finding interested parties. However, she did have a hard time keeping interest herself.

“It’s tough weeding out the creeps and the freaks with Asian fetishes,” she had told Rey once as they stood, leaning against some bar downtown. They watched the people around them mingle and laugh. Rey had agreed to go out with Rose, despite her somewhat ruminating mood as of late.

She was trying - kind of. If anything, at least when they went out there was usually beer and a television nearby she could zone out on while Rose talked to whoever had caught her eye that evening.

One time, they were standing at a high-top table, listening to a band that Rey was actually enjoying when Rose introduced her to a guy. He was friends with some other bloke that Rose had been chatting excitedly with.

“This is my friend Rey,” she yelled over the music. “This is Terry, he bartends at the Austrian place down the block! ‘Member how we always say we need to go to?”

Rey gave Terry an admittedly half-assed smile and went back to watching the band.      

Terry saddled up beside her, leaning onto the high-top table, beer in hand.

“So,” his voice rose above the music. “You girls work at the Organa spot, huh? The one where Ben Solo used to work?”

Rey’s pulse rose at just the mention of his name.

“Did you actually get to work with him? Must be pretty cool to know someone famous.”

“Yeah,” she answered, briefly looking over her shoulder at him from the corner of her eye. He was about her height, blonde and standardly good looking. Very non-threatening. Vanilla, as Poe would say. He wasn’t looking at her, he was watching the band.

“He was alright,” she lied because she wasn’t about to discuss Ben with anyone, let alone a stranger who was bugging her at a bar.

He nodded, taking a sip of his beer.

“Hey, listen, our friends seem to be hitting it off, but I don’t want to bother you, so I’m just gonna stand here now and let you enjoy the band.” He raised his glass in cheers. She reached forward and clinked the bottlenecks together, an amused smile on her face.

Rose got his friends number and Terry stayed true to his word, letting her enjoy the band without the strain of unnecessary conversation.

A few weeks later, she was surprised to come around the corner out of the kitchen and see him and his friend (named, Matt, apparently) sitting at her bar, giving a drink order to Finn. He gave her a smile and a wave of recognition.

She responded with a curt nod.

She knew she was totally being an arsehole.

She knew it when Rose asked if she wanted to join them for a few drinks after work and she ‘tsked’ at the invite. She knew it when Finn clocked out and left with Rose and the two guys - Terry giving her a small wave as he walked through the exit. She knew it when she went home and miserably watched a rerun of SVU while spooning ice cream straight from the tub. She knew it when she went to bed and lay awake staring at that water spot on her ceiling she kept saying she is going to paint over.

Her mind always wandered to the same man – who was miles away doing god knows what.

She pulled out her phone and opened her Instagram app. She had only added two new photos since activating her account.

The first, a particularly beautiful sunset she experienced after a day of laying around the lake in the next town over. The other a massive stack of blueberry pancakes she destroyed for breakfast a few weeks back.

She realized she was horrifyingly basic.

She mostly used the stupid thing to keep tabs on every single move Ben was making. What was he cooking today? What celebrity dropped by the _First Order_ kitchen on a random Wednesday afternoon? What exotic cuisine was he buying off an elderly street vendor in some back alley in Vietnam?

She would comment, usually something benign. Sometimes he would respond, more often he would not. Her comments probably getting swallowed up by all the others. It was… whatever.

Today he had posted a picture of himself laden with bags of recording equipment, some strapped across his body, others hanging from his outstretched arms, more placed before his spread feet. Probably 20 bags in total. He was in his signature black tee, jeans, and Ray-Bans.

 

 **Traveling light on our trip to Morocco** – the caption read.

 

Rey scoffed. Morocco.

She looked back up at that damn water spot, dropping the phone to her chest.

Why was she torturing herself like this? The man, her _friend,_  was living an absolute dream.

Traveling the world, loving his life, doing exactly what he had set out to do. She should be happy for him. She _was_ happy for him - mostly.

She looked at her phone again and tapped to read the comments.

The thirst was real with some of his followers.

Comments about him being so strong. Comments about his arms. Comments about his thighs (that she had felt a little squirmy from viewing as well, remembering what they felt like pressed against the back of her own). Comments with heart-eyed emojis. Comments begging him to follow back.

He was probably up to his eyeballs in women every single day.

Aside from the obvious feelings of jealousy and envy, it made her unfairly and irrationally mournful.

It was selfish and stupid and ridiculous, but somewhere, deep down, she still thought of Ben as hers.

But he wasn’t. He never was.

And if anything, she was the one to blame for her own feelings because she was the one who had cut him off. Pushed him away and shut him out because she had to survive. It was the only way she knew how.

Eighteen months since that night in her kitchen. Since Leia died and she gave him the final shove out of the space closest to her heart.

And it still hurt.

Yet, the dull throb of his absence was a close running second.

Her feed updated. Rose posted a selfie in a white Stetson, Matt, Terry, and Finn behind her at some bar.

 

**Getting our line dance on!**

 

Neither of those two knew how to line dance but Rey liked the photo anyway with an amused chuckle.

Rey pressed the button to black out her screen, tossing it aside with a sigh.

She really needed to get over Ben Solo. Like, yesterday.

 

                                                                                                                 ***          

 

When Ben got back from his month of filming in Morocco, he was ready for a much-needed break.

Time was getting away from him at an alarming rate. Weeks and months just flashing before him as he lumbered onto yet another tarmac or walked into the _First Order_ kitchen or yet another soundstage.

“ _Plated_ ” had been approved for a third season, his cookbook and guide to Italy had made it to the _Times_ bestsellers list and he had just signed for two more companion guides, for Morocco and an upcoming trip to Guilin and Longsheng, China.

He was on top of the world.

So why was he so damn surly?

He knew. He was kidding himself.

When he landed at JFK, he cradled his phone on his shoulder as he passed his passport off to the customs agent, who looked nearly bored to tears.

“When are you going to come home and grace us with your presence?” Poe was asking on the other end of the line.

Ben laughed, sharing a polite smile as the passport was stamped and slid back to him. He started making his way to the exit, eyeing the crowd for his chauffeur driver holding a sign that read “ **SOLO** ”.

“I’m actually coming by later this month, some fundraiser thing for Amilyn. She’s dedicating it to my mother,” he paused, unsure if he should share the rest. “I… I wasn’t going to tell anyone. I won’t have a lot of time, probably just going to make an appearance and crash at a hotel for the night. I don’t want to disappoint anyone because I really can’t hang out.”

“Your secret is safe with me,” Poe assured him. He wanted to see his friends. Wanted to join them for one of their dinner nights, laugh and joke and drink like old times, but…

But Rey. He wasn’t ready to face Rey. Not yet. A text message or comment here and there was one thing - standing in a room with her was entirely different.

“But, yeah,” Poe continued on about the fundraiser. “She’s making a big deal out of it, sounds like it’ll be quite the party. Sadly, my sorry ass is going to be at work. I’ve got some saving I gotta do, as of late.”

Ben nodded to the chauffeur holding his sign, flashing his passport for identification. The man folded the sign in half and turned, leading him in the direction of the elevators.

“Everything ok?” Ben asked.

“Oh yeah. Everything is great, don’t worry. It’s… I’ll tell you when I see you in person.”

Ben let it go and mouthed a ‘thank you’ as the chauffeur opened the car door for him, and he slid in.

“What else is new?”

Poe sighed. “Oh you know, Rose has a new boyfriend she’s dragging around. Nice kid - has no idea the trouble he’s in for,” he laughed. “His buddy is alright too; he seems to be pretty smitten with our little Sunshine, though.”

Ben stilled. Something about that sent a wave of panic through him.

Of course, someone was going to be interested in Rey. She was funny, kind, absolutely stunning and very, very single. A guy would be crazy not to be interested in her.

“He follows her around like a love-sick little puppy, practically begging to put his nose in her ass.”

Ben cringed at the imagery.

“Poor Terry,” Poe continued. “He’s wasting away in friend-zone hell.”

 _Good_.

Ben scolded himself. No, not good. Rey was allowed to date. She was allowed to find someone else or screw whoever she wanted. Even this Terry person.

 _Terry_. What a stupid fucking name.

“What about you? Any Moroccan bastards going to be showing up on your doorstep next year?”

Ben laughed because Poe was probably the only person on the planet that could say something so offensive and have it sound like he was talking about the weather.

“No, I’m saving myself for the really talented performers in Thailand,” he fucking _lied_.

“Ugh. You’re living my dream.”

The truth was when he wasn’t completely exhausted and actually managed to have blood surging through his loins - he was still being haunted by images of Rey.

The only woman he was around on a regular basis was Kaydel, his personal assistant. She couldn’t have been further from interested, half the time acting like his mere presence was a complete bore. In fact, it was like everything was pedestrian to her, rarely even wasting the energy to look up from the screen of her phone. Thoroughly unimpressed was her continual mood. She was, however, phenomenal at keeping his shit together.

There were certainly opportunities. He saw the way women looked at him. The tiny jump in their eyes when they gazed at his arms, the subtle tucking of hair behind ears or light touching to his chest when they laughed. Some were much more obvious.

He had tried, exactly once. He had met a woman at a live taping. Rather, he had gone out for a burger and a beer after a live taping and had a woman introduce herself to him. He sat alone at the bar - apparently unsuccessfully hidden beneath a baseball cap, and she told him she had just attended his live taping. She asked for an autograph, which he obliged. She was friendly. So friendly, he hadn’t even realized she had slid into the seat next to him. She chatted away about how he was her favorite judge on “ _Plated_ ” and that she had just gotten a _First Order_ frying pan for her birthday.

Suddenly, he felt the graze of her lips by his ear. “I’m staying in the hotel next door,” she whispered.

He looked back at her, perhaps a little stunned. She was pretty. Short, very processed blonde hair, heavy winged eyeliner, boldly painted red and shiny lips. Smiling at him. Something inside him stirred, and before he knew what he was doing, he waved over the bartender.

“I’ll settle up with you.”

He followed her back to her hotel, where she promptly attacked him as soon as the elevator doors slid closed. Her mouth was sloppy and tasted like paraffin, but Ben didn’t care. It was doing the trick.

Once they got in the hotel room, she was already reaching for his belt, fumbling to unclasp the buckle.

It was about the same time his rational mind suddenly caught up with him.

_What the fuck are you doing? Are you really going to fuck some stranger you just met in a bar?_

The girl practically latched onto his hardness as soon as it emerged through the opening of his zipper. Her mouth was warm – welcoming, even - and Ben sucked in a sharp breath through his teeth as she took all of him in her mouth in one stroke. She “hmm-ed” in delight from his reaction and it vibrated through his entire body.

He reached down, threading some fingers through her hair. But it was too short, and the texture was off. It didn’t feel right. Nothing about this felt right. He tried to focus, tried to let himself get carried away by her lapping mouth, the wet noises from her suction, _fucking anything_.

“Um…” she started, a little breathless from her efforts. “Should I stop?”

Ben hated himself. He hated that he had come here, he hated that he allowed this poor woman to kneel before him like this. He hated his useless, traitorous cock and his uncongenial brain that went with it.   

Frustrated, he sighed - stuffing himself back into his pants, embarrassed. His shaft was smeared with lipstick and he was sure his face was too.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured shaking his head. He could feel his ears burning.

“It’s okay,” she sighed. “My husband sometimes has problems too.”

_Jesus Christ._

He thanked her for watching the show, because he didn’t really know what the hell else to say to her, and hastily fumbled his way out the door. Back in the elevator, he bumped his head against the wall, the back of his wrist scrubbing at his mouth. It was stained pink when he pulled it away.

When he got back to his own hotel he immediately went straight for the shower, eager to scrub away any hint of the embarrassing interaction with the lipsticked stranger. He groaned when he looked down at himself, seeing the pink stained smears and the shiny red ring around his base.

He scrubbed at his face first, thankful for the layer of facial hair that acted as some sort of a barrier.

Soaping up his hands he thought about how it had all miserably failed. He was kidding himself thinking he could go through with it. He was ruined. He knew it.

Rey had destroyed him from day one.

With the evidence of his shame finally washed away, he slid his fist over the soapy length of himself and relaxed. The steam from the shower seeped into his muscles. He groaned as he leaned forward, resting his forehead on his arm, bracing himself against the shower wall.

He thought about Rey, the time in her living room - her pert mouth swollen and wet, luscious lips suckling on the head of his strained and weeping cock. The swipe of her tongue over the bead of clear liquid that escaped from the tip. The hollow of her cheeks as she took him in. The flutter of her lashes as she raised those lovely eyes up and looked at him.

He came, flushed and forceful, cum sputtering out of him alarmingly, as he aimed it down towards the drain. He stood, dropping his head back, weak.

He was pathetic. Completely fucking pitiful. Millions of women around the world and he was still beating off to his sorta ex-girlfriend, who was just barely his friend again.

What a goddamn joke.

  

                                                                                                             ***

 

Terry had kissed her.

Just leaned right over, mashing his mouth to hers and she was so shocked she just stood there and let him.

Because, what else was she supposed to do?

He backed away from her, his face flushed.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered, sheepishly pulling a hand through his hair.

She didn’t answer because she was still processing what had just happened.

They were standing outside of Troy’s. He had offered to walk her outside while she waited for her taxi. And then he fucking _kissed_ her. The audacity!

They had been spending a considerable amount of time together, seeing as Rose was practically a tangle around Matt’s waist on a daily basis. They went to parties together, stood beside each other in line for the movies, and drank craft beer on Rose’s couch awkwardly while Matt and Rose tongue-bathed each other.

But now suddenly he felt the need to _kiss_ her?

He was watching her carefully. He sighed.

“That bad, huh?” He winced.

She finally remembered she needed to breathe to live and inhaled.

“Uh,” she said, shaking her head, looking down at her phone and trying to calculate how long it had been since she called.

“Uh,” she said again, looking back at him. He looked painfully ashamed of himself.

“I – um,” she began, craning her neck to see the headlights and the glowing lamp that read TAXI, turning onto the street.

She looked back to Terry and his pitiful expression. “I’m sorry,” she spit out. She shook her head again. “I’m not… I mean, it’s just that-”

_It’s just that I am still in love with someone else and I totally shouldn’t be and I am probably going to live out the rest of my life stalking him on Instagram and touching myself, so the thought of actually having any sort of contact with another human who wants to touch me too is something I really can’t mentally handle – so you’re gonna need to bugger off._

_Yes. That sounds understandable. Say that._

“I’m sorry,” she said again as the car pulled up and she thought about diving through the open window instead of using the door because it could get her away from him faster.

She let out a relieved breath as the car pulled away, leaving poor Terry on the curb.

That was painful and she was agitated now, feeling like an exposed nerve.

The car had dropped her off at home, but instead of heading up the stairs to her apartment, she went to the right, walking two streets over, stopping in front of the brick storefront, windows lit brightly with several roping neon lights. She pushed open the door to her favorite, neighborhood dive.

The official name was Kanata’s Lounge, but everyone just called it “Maz and Chuck’s”. She and Finn had stumbled in one particularly raucous night when he was staying with her, looking for a spot close to home that would still serve them beers so late. Immediately they befriended the married couple, Maz and Chuck, who couldn’t have been more polar opposites.

Maz, tiny, back slightly hunched and hardly able to see over the bar, was tanned with leathered skin the rich color of cocoa. She always wore her thick-lensed glasses, making her eyes look nearly four times their actual size and a brightly colored and patterned headwrap. Tonight it was a blend of bright pinks, purples, and blues, piled high on top of her head in a bow.

Chuck looked like a retired member from a biker gang, which was exactly what he was. She wasn’t completely sure how tall he was, but he had to be at least 6 and a half feet, often having to duck to make his way through doorways. He had crazy, untamable long hair and a beard that could put the guys in ZZ-Top to shame.

Upon her entering, they both looked up. Maz, pouring out a beer at the tap on the bar, Chuck, seated before her at the corner bend in his usual spot, always watching who was coming and going. They both smiled warmly.

“Out for a nightcap, darlin’?” Chuck asked, pulling out the stool beside him and giving it a tap with his large mit of a hand.

Rey sat with a sigh and a nod. Maz shuffled over to the whiskey, pouring her a drink then dropping in a few ice cubes. The cubes tinkled against the glass as she slowly moved back towards them. She placed the drink before Rey and sat on a stool behind the bar.

“You look troubled, child,” Maz said, eyeing her closely. “Still lamenting over your big city Romeo?”

Rey laughed down at her drink, “That obvious?”

“Can’t hide anything with those eyes, my dear,” the lines around Maz’s eyes scrunched up with her smile.

Chuck gave a rumble in the seat beside her, “If you ask me,” he started.

“Which no one did-” Maz added.

“- I think this guy is a fool. Someday he is going to be sorry when someone else steps in and steals away the one thing he isn’t smart enough to hold on to with all his might.” He pulled a long sip from his beer and looked to Maz, although he was still speaking to Rey. “Believe me, I know.”

Rey had heard their story. Secret high school sweethearts, separated by racial divides and a war. She was married off to an abusive husband, where she was forced to carry several failed pregnancies, none of which made it to full-term due to the relenting abuse. She escaped, with the help of some women in her community who had transported her to a safe house in the middle of the night. Her ex-husband died shortly after, passing out with a cigarette in hand in their highly flammable trailer. She would pretend to spit on the floor, whenever she spoke about him.

Chuck also married before shipping out to Vietnam, only to come home and find another man in his home and a baby that was not his. He took off to be a vagabond on the back of a bike, traveling the country, eventually landing in California and joining a gang. A few stints in and out of jail, a couple of stab wounds and several close calls with stray bullets, eventually lead him to patch out. He moved back home and immediately tried to find Maz. He searched everywhere to no avail, only to walk into this very bar one evening and find her standing there, “looking like the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on”, he had told her.

It gave Rey a very particular comfort in her heart knowing that they found their way back to each other again. The tiniest little spark of hope that maybe she could get a happy ending too, no matter what happened in between.

Chuck and Maz both drifted away, chatting with other patrons. The jukebox flooded the bar with one sorrowful song about love and loss after another. Apparently, she wasn’t the only one in the lonely hearts club tonight.

She looked down at the phone as noticed the blue LED light showing her she had a notification.

 

**:NEW MESSAGE FROM BEN::**

 

Her heart skipped a beat.

 

**BEN: How are you?**

 

She stared at the message as if it were encrypted and needed to be decoded. After way too many drafts, she settled on:

 

**REY: Good. Out having a drink on this fine Sunday night. Ready to head home soon.**

 

**REY: How was Morocco?**

 

Stupid question. It was probably amazing.

 

**BEN: At Troy’s?**

 

**REY: No, a new place around the corner from my apartment. I wasn’t in the mood for Troy’s tonight. Too much. Had to escape.**

 

**BEN: I hope you’re not drinking alone**

 

Rey smiled, remembering the old days when he used to check up on her, making sure she got home safely every time they went out.

 

**REY: I have friends everywhere, I’m never alone**

 

**BEN: Please don’t walk back to your place by yourself**

 

**REY: It’s two streets Ben. I do it all the time**

 

**BEN: Well, stop.**

 

**BEN: What’s it called?**

 

**REY: Kanata’s Lounge.**

 

**BEN: For fucks sake... If by “new” you mean renovated in 1988, I can see what you mean.**

 

**BEN: Tell Maz and Chewie I say hi.**

 

Rey frowned at her phone.

 

**REY: You know them??**

 

**BEN: Old friends of Han’s**

 

Rey dropped her forehead into her hand. Was there not one corner of her world that wasn’t tainted by Ben Solo?

 

**REY: Small world**

 

**BEN: You have no idea.**

 

**BEN: How long will you be there?**

 

Rey didn’t see that message, already pulling out her wallet and handing cash over to Maz.

“I didn’t know you knew Ben Solo,” Rey mentioned casually, watching as Maz opened the register and dug her out some change.

Maz smiled appreciatively. “Ah, little Ben. Not so little anymore, I’m afraid,” she turned to make her way back.

“Keep it,” Rey gestured, hand raised.

Maz stashed the cash in the jar on the back bar, eyeing her carefully before a knowing smile ticked up her lips.

“Big city Romeo…” she said, slowly, in that all-knowing fortune-tellers tone she had sometimes.

Rey dipped her head, pulling a strand of hair bashfully behind her ear.

Maz continued to smile and gave her a nod.

“We’ll talk some more, someday,” she said mysteriously.

Nodding, Rey headed for the door, gripping her phone in one hand, raising the other for a good-bye across the room to Chuck.

“Good night, darlin’,” he called out.

Her phone began to vibrate in her hand. Ben was calling her. For the briefest of moments, she panicked, before swiping to answer.

 

                                                                                                                ***       

 

Ben was pacing his apartment.

It had been six minutes since her last message.

Maybe she was talking to someone else. Maybe Chewie was telling her some embarrassing story about him right this very moment. Maybe she was kissing some stranger in the bathroom.

Maybe she was screaming for help in an alleyway and no one could hear her.

His thumb twitched over the call button.   

A text dropped in and he felt temporary relief.

 

**:NEW TEXT MESSAGE FROM FINN:**

**FINN: Poe told me you are coming to town. Make time, Big Sexy. Your friends miss you, Xoxo**

 

Fuckin’ Poe and his promises.

He went back to his contact screen and hit the call button for Rey. It rang twice before she picked up.

“They say if you are walking home by yourself, the best method for  _not_ getting attacked is to actually be aware of your surroundings and _not_ on your phone. So really, this call is counterproductive to my well-being that you are so very concerned about.”

“Oh,” he said flippantly. “I was actually just calling to see if you had any good Netflix recommendations for me. Feel free to call me back after you get mugged.”

He could hear her amused sigh, “I am almost home. I promise.”

“Good.”

Now the awkwardness hung in the air as he stood in his tiny, quiet kitchen, hand on tensed hip, listening to the rustle of her movement and her slightly stressed breath as she walked.

He could feel the slow flow of arousal below the band of his sweatpants.   

He cleared his throat, cursing himself.

“You almost there?”

“Yeah,” she replied in a breathy tone that made him screw his eyes shut. His mind raced through another phone call, under completely different circumstances, which had a much more pleasing end, he was certain.

“I’m at my front door,” she said. He could hear keys and the sound of it closing behind her, then her footfalls on the stairs.

“How was Morocco?” Her breath was even more strained as he heard her keys again at her actual apartment door.   

He could barely focus. Stanley was practically screaming up at him right now.

“Uh, great. Amazing. Incredible food, incredible people,” he strained.

He should hang up now. She was home and safe, while he was suffering from a perverse and raging erection after listening to her _walk up the stairs_. Fuck, he needed psychological help.

“I just wanted to make sure you made it home okay,” he said quietly, weak. He was bent over his kitchen counter, gripping his hand in a fist.

“Thank you. I appreciate it. I promise,” then a pause. “Are you okay? You sound-”

“Nope, I’m good,” he stood and the brush of his stiffness against the fabric of his sweats immediately made him bend back down. “I should probably get to bed, Sweetheart.”

_Shit-FUCK you asshole troglodyte moron!_

There was a long pause.

“Goodnight Ben,” then another shorter pause. “It was nice to hear your voice,” it was quiet and something lingered just under her hushed tone.

She cut the call and Ben didn’t hesitate to finally stand, throwing the phone aside and ripping down the band of his sweats to his thighs, roughly seizing himself in a firm grip. He didn’t stop until he had spent himself right in the middle of his kitchen.

 

                                                                                                           ***           

 

Rey switched off the power button to her vibrator and tossed the silicone placeholder to the side with a sigh.

One phone call. That was all it took. Just a few minutes of that rich bass and she couldn’t even control herself. She had ended the call, already soaked, and practically raced to her room, clinging to the lingering sound of his voice.

It brought back memories. So many flooding in, she couldn’t wait to shimmy out of her jeans and fall back flat on her bed, naked from the waist down. The first orgasm was nearly instantaneous. There were several more, each connected with an old memory.

She felt like a deviant.

That is until she got up to clean herself up, grabbing her phone on the way back to bed.

 

 **BEN: We need to talk more often.**  

 

And she smiled because somehow, she knew she was not alone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are almost there, friends! I swear it!
> 
> Follow me on Twitter @UnderCancerMoon for song links and... I dunno, other stuff I will post eventually.


	11. How Deep is Your Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “And you come to me on a summer breeze  
> Keep me warm in your love, then you softly leave  
> And it's me you need to show  
> How deep is your love, how deep is your love  
> How deep is your love?  
> I really mean to learn  
> 'Cause we're living in a world of fools  
> Breaking us down when they all should let us be  
> We belong to you and me”
> 
> \- The Bee Gees (the bird and the bee cover)  
> [How Deep is Your Love](https://youtu.be/O8DAP_zl9Cw)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoo baby! I am ready for this chapter! So much fun!
> 
> As always, HUGE thanks to [JenfysNest](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenfysNest) for all of her help!
> 
> Happy reading! 
> 
> I am on Twitter @UnderCancerMoon
> 
>  

Although Ben had promised he would attend this event months ago, now that the day was here, he would rather do anything else.

It wasn’t often he had a weekend free of _First Order_ commitments, but it also wasn’t often that he was asked for favors from old friends.

Amilyn Holdo had been employed by his mother from the first day the restaurant opened its doors. She was one of the most devoted, hard-working and sincere people Ben had ever known. On top of her management responsibilities, she ran catering events and, in her spare time, sat on a committee for a performance arts school that sponsored an overnight camp for children in struggling families. She was hosting a charity fundraiser in Leia’s honor, the proceeds of which would be funneled into the camp for a new building performance wing. “The Organa Theatre”, to be exact. When he had donated a considerable sum, which he was more than willing to give, she had kindly asked if he would be able to attend. He didn’t feel like he could refuse.

And so now here he was, unfurling himself from his car, parked on the grass on the outskirts of some winery. He had to admit; the scenery was beautiful. It was that perfect time of year back home where everything was lush and green and blooming. The sky was clear blue with fat, fluffy clouds and just the faintest of breezes to keep you from overheating - which he was thankful for because he was afraid he was slightly overdressed.  

He was never exactly sure what to wear to events like these, and Kaydel wasn’t there on the weekends to roll her eyes and hand him off something obvious. He picked a dark blue suit with a black tie and hoped for the best.

As he was making his way up a gravel driveway he was greeted by a happily barking Golden Retriever. Tongue dangling from its mouth, tail practically wagging its body before it.

He knelt to give the dog a few pats on the head and shakes to its ears.

“Are you looking for the fundraiser?” He heard a woman’s voice ask.

He stood, the dog now bounding off the meet the owner of the voice. He looked up to see a young woman, dressed casually in a t-shirt branded with the winery’s logo and a pair of jeans, carrying a box of wine.

“Yes,” he answered, rushing forward. “Here, let me get that for you.”

Hesitant to hand it off to him, she paused, looking at his face. Then, her expression changed.

It was something he was used to by now. The tiny flash of recognition when someone realizes they know him somehow then makes the connection as to who he is.

“Uh,” she said, her face flushing wildly. “Thank you.”

He gave her a polite smile, following her down a pebbled path to a large barn with all the doorways swung open. Inside, twinkling lights were wrapped around the beams in the ceiling and there were tables and high tops and stools all over. At the lip of one of the open doorways, there was a band set up, then after that, a dancefloor.

He brought the box to the bar set up against the back wall and the girl bashfully thanked him again. He could feel the gaze of the other two girls who were behind the bar as well.

“Benjamin Solo, you made it.”

He turned to see Amilyn, her smile wide, her arms outstretched.

Amilyn always had a way about her that was naturally graceful, yet mighty. She was tough as nails and soft as down. An iron fist under a velvet glove, they might have said once. He knew that his mother’s restaurant was still in good hands with her at the reins.

He leaned into her shoulder as she wrapped her arms around his neck. She was one of the few women he knew that could with ease, especially in heels.

“Thank you,” she added against his cheek.     

Behind him, he heard one of the bartender’s whisper, “ _See?_ _It is_ him!”

Her blue eyes glittered with joy, as she handed him a pre-poured glass of white wine off the bar, then linked her arm with his and led him back out of the barn. They walked down a small hill, which brought them to a large, unlit fire pit, surrounded by a series of chairs.

“We have some time before things kick off. Catch me up on _everything_. We didn’t get to talk much last time we were together.”

The last time they were together, he was standing in the receiving line of Leia’s funeral.

Ben sat, unbuttoning his suit coat and spreading himself out off the edge of an Adirondack chair. He took a deep breath and did his best to catch her up on over a year and a half of his crazy new life. 

 

                                                                                                   *                *                   *

 

By 7 pm, the party was in full swing. The band played soft, nonintrusive jazz in the background while people stood and laughed, mingling across the large lawn between the fire pit, barn and the building that held the winery itself.

Ben had just spent the last 20 minutes talking to a woman who was the director for a local theatre company. She had insisted he come down in the summer to see what they had going on for their stage lineup. They exchanged business cards and as Ben was stuffing hers into the inner pocket of his jacket, he felt his phone vibrate.

 

**POE: You still brown-nosing at Holdo’s event tonight?**

**BEN: Sure am. The wine is helping**

**POE: Keep an eye out for Sunshine, she said she was going**

 

Ben stared at that last text for a moment, letting it compute. Then his eyes immediately shot up, as he whirled to look at the crowd around him. His phone buzzed again.

 

**POE: You told me not to tell anyone 😈 Finn doesn’t count, he’s my other half**

**POE: Text me and tell me how it goes 😘**

 

Ben shoved the phone back in his pocket and hurried up the hill in a few giant steps. He could feel his heartbeat in his ears. His mind was racing, and he felt lightheaded. Terrified and yet, excited. Part of him wanted to just set his glass down and leave. Just keep running away, like he had been for the past…

For too long. It had been too long since he had seen her face-to-face.

His gut dropped out of him and he took a breath. There was still the possibility that if she knew he was going to be here, she wouldn’t come. Maybe Amilyn had told her.

The other part of him wanted to collide right into her. Get over the inevitable. Make it right again.

His eyes desperately darted and searched through the ocean of swirling strangers. All happy, smiling, clutching wine glasses. He moved through them like a man quested. Devoted, determined, driven by something deep inside him he could no longer control. The wade through unfamiliar faces felt endless. Leave it to Holdo to invite the whole damn county to an event.

Then, it was like the sea parted, and he looked across the yard and saw her.

She was talking to an older woman, shorter with grey hair. Her dress was teal green, a phenomenal color on her. Generally conservative, with the exception of the lace cutouts peeking out in slits within the bateau neckline and along the thighs in the hem. Her legs were bare and oh so long.

_Had they always been that long?_

He closed his eyes, perhaps assuming he was hallucinating. He pleaded with his drumming heart to still and prayed this wasn’t his cruel mind forming some sort of wine-induced mirage.

When he opened them again, she was still there, two hands cradling her wine glass, nodding down in agreement at the woman talking before her. Having the opportunity, he observed her some more. Her hair was still shorter, styled gorgeously in loose waves and curls, like some sort of silver screen vision. Her face was the same - still Rey - but a little different somehow. Leaner, he supposed, rid of the whispers of lingering baby fat. Like a woman, less girlish. Possibly even more beautiful than he remembered.

Her hair lifted on the breeze, blowing it gently across her cheek as she laughed, tucking it away behind her ear.

Ben was frozen. He stared across the lawn, gaping at her like a gigantic lovestruck idiot.

He was jolted out of his observation when her eyes, as if pulled under the weight of his stare, rose and met his.

The smile slid from her face, as did the wine glass from her hand. It dropped into the grass at her feet spilling its contents on the shoes of the woman she was speaking to. Visibly flustered, she knelt to get it. She fussed, pressing a hand to her forehead and blushing, apologizing profusely, clearly embarrassed. The woman seemed understanding enough and Rey moved from her, touching her on the shoulder with an awkward smile as she passed.

Then, she headed straight towards him.

He felt like he had to swallow down his own heart. He awkwardly shoved a hand in his pocket, the other still cradling his own wine glass, and somehow managed to move forward, meeting her in the middle of the crowd.

Stopping before him, she looked up, her eyes washing over his face, quietly taking him in.

“Hi,” she said. She was smiling.

His mouth contagiously turned up in a warm smile as well, “Hi.”

She blew out a sigh, raising her eyebrows and giving her empty glass a little wave in the air.

“Didn’t expect to see you here. Kind of lost control of my drink over it,” she joked.

“I saw that,” he nodded with a smirk. Looking down at his own glass, he gave it a little jerk, the remainder of yellow, sloshy fluid jumping out and splashing into the grass beside him. “Now we both need a drink.”

The corners of her eyes crinkled as she grinned and it made his stomach jump. It was like seeing the sun burst out of the clouds again after over a year of gloom.

He offered her his arm, and she took it.

 

                                                                                                     *                *                 * 

 

Rey could hardly contain herself as she stood beside Ben, waiting for a space to open in front of them at the wine counter.

It seemed unbelievable. Completely out of the realm of possibility, and yet there he was, standing beside her, a pleased smile permanently plastered across his lips.

She kept stealing glances at him, unable to suppress her own giddy joy. High and floating from the surreal shock of it all. It was one thing to creep on his Instagram feed, it was something entirely different to witness him in the flesh.

He looked bigger. Broader in his back, fuller in his chest. She wasn’t even sure how that was possible.

His hair was longer too. The longest she had ever seen it, nearly reaching his shoulders. Her fingers worked nervously, craving to reach out and touch the dark waves. She pressed them flat to the sides of her thighs to still them, but her eyes and hungry brain would not relent.   

He looked good. Sleek, dark, streamlined. He looked…

 _Really, really fucking good,_ her doofus brain practically chuckled.

And to think, she wasn’t going to come today until Poe _insisted_ that someone from the restaurant had to attend to represent the staff.

They stepped up to speak with the woman pouring the wines behind the bar and she beamed up at him adoringly. Rey couldn’t help but grin.

“Chef Solo,” the girl began. She hunched her shoulders in, sheepishly. “Thank you again for the help with the box earlier.”

Rey watched as Ben casually leaned his elbow onto the bar counter, giving the girl the kindest look of appreciation and a small, bashful smile.

“It was no problem,” he told her, but then his attention turned to Rey.

He gestured to her as if to say, ‘you first’. Oh, how she missed being in the cradling warmth and devoted gaze of Ben Solo.

She looked at the selection of wine bottles before her.

“What do you have that’s dry, closer to mineral and slate notes?”

The woman’s eyes lit up. “Ooh, we have this!” She grabbed a bottle and poured a little for her to taste. Rey rolled it around her glass, dipping her nose in for a sniff, then taking a sip. “It’s about as close to a Chablis as we can get, obviously given the soil and altitude.”

It was good. It tasted like Bosc pears, orange peel, with a hint of chalky dryness at the finish. In Rey's mind she could picture a day much like today, with a deep blue sky and a Robin Goodfellow breeze rustling the emerald leaves, tickling the chartreuse fruit that hung in the pear tree.

Rey nodded and moved the glass back to the girl to fill.

“And for you, Chef?” The woman asked bashfully, peering up through her lashes.

But Ben’s attention was still on Rey. She could feel it. Looking over to him, her chin dipped to her shoulder.

“She asked what you wanted to taste, Ben.”

There was a moment of pause, where his eyes just stayed on hers, before he straightened out, lifting himself from the bar, both hands gripping onto the ledge. He leaned in and tilted his head to the side.

“I’ll just have what she picked. She knows more about this shit than I do.”

The girl filled his glass, slightly more than she did hers, Rey noticed. They tipped her generously and turned towards the inside of the barn.

It was just starting to get dark outside and the jazz band that was floating in the background earlier was being replaced by a larger band, which was now at the lip of a dancefloor that stretched out onto the lawn, illuminated by strings of warm-glowing patio lights.

Rey smiled.

“Amilyn did a really great job. This place looks beautiful.”

Ben hummed in response, looking around them.

“She would have loved this.”

They both know who ‘she’ was. Rey smiled softly, reaching over and curling her hand into his and giving it a squeeze. He accepted it like an olive branch.

 

                                                                                                *                  *                 *

 

The new band that took over was much more energetic. By this point in the night, the people who had once looked so buttoned up and demure were now starting to loosen up. Ties were unknotted, suit coats were tossed to the side and some ladies had even slipped off their heels.

Maybe it was the final surrender of the day into nightfall. Maybe it was one great song after another coming from the band and their infectious lead singer.

Most likely, it was the wine.

It was unbelievable, and a bit of a relief to Ben, how quickly they had slipped back into the casual comfort of friendship once again. As if no time or heartache had passed at all. Just Ben and Rey, together again, making jokes and teasing each other.

They had taken a couple of trips back up to the bar. By the third time, Ben knew all the bartender’s names (Julia, Jess, and Lindsay ‘with an ‘A’’). He even jumped behind the bar to pose for a picture with the three as they gathered around him, “Charlie's Angels” style.

He was having a great time. He felt like it had been ages since he laughed this much. Thinking back, he supposed it was probably when he came home for her graduation - which seemed like a lifetime ago. He guessed in a way, it was.

“Have you noticed,” Rey said, loud, over the music beside him. “That they keep playing music featured in movies?”

He hadn’t. He could only notice everything she did with his doting tunnel vision. The kindness and pride that flashed in her eyes when a woman asked for a picture with him. The curl of her hand when she pulled a lock of hair behind her ear. The slow twist of her mouth into a grin before she laughed. The curve of her shoulders in that damn dress. The flash of those thighs underneath the lacy cutouts in that same damn dress.

He was falling into old habits at an alarming rate and he wasn’t even concerned with stopping himself. As if spreading arms out to his sides, he fell back, into the most ultimate trust-fall with the universe.

She was practically fidgeting now. Antsy and vibrating from the festivity. He could tell she was dying to get out on the crowded dance floor.

The band started to play “ _Footloose_ ”, and her head fell back with a frustrated sigh.

“We gotta get out there!”

He tucked half a smile into his cheek and scrunched his nose.

“I dunno, this song is a little cliché wedding party for me…”

He knew she was just teetering on the edge of excited impatience. She couldn’t even stop herself from bouncing along to the beat at his side.

She dipped her mouth to her glass. “That sounds like something someone who is scared to dance would say,” she could hardly contain the twitch of her smile. “I mean, I’m not saying _you’re_ scared… it just _sounds_ like something someone who _is_ scared would say…”

“Me?” He asked, feigning cluelessness. This was so dumb. He couldn’t have stopped himself from grinning like a nitwit, even if he wanted to. “I wouldn’t want to embarrass you.”

“Embarrass me?” She asked, sliding her shoulders side to side. “By how terrible you dance?”

“Nah. I just don’t want to make you look bad out there.”

Fake offense greeted him with a mocking hand to her chest and an open mouth.

“You? Make _me_ look bad?”

Ben drew in a deep breath, looking down at his glass. With a laugh, he brought it to his mouth, lifting his chin to drain what remained. He calmly placed it on the table beside him.

He was actually a pretty good dancer, thanks to his mother. When he was a kid, on some weekends she would push all the furniture in their living room against the walls and crank the music so loud it shook the house. They would twist and waltz and he would jump off furniture playing air guitar, and both would sing at the top of their lungs. It was one of his favorite things back then.

He shouldered off his jacket, draping it on a chair back, and reached for the button of his sleeve.

“Just remember,” he told her seriously, rolling up it up to his elbow. “You asked for this.”

She clamped down on her lower lip, her eyes lit and sparkling, and he wondered if he had died at some point on the way here, in some horrific circumstance, and this was his actual heaven.

He offered her his hand and led her backward, towards the dancefloor.

 

                                                                                                   *                   *                  *

 

By the time they finally got there, the song had changed. Instantly, Rey recognized it. She posed accordingly, hands up, wrists limp, one knee raised, and toe pointed, waiting to see if he would pick up the cue. He did, of course. And as _“You Never Can Tell_ ” played, Rey twisted away, doing her best Mia Wallace and Ben challenged her with a superb Vincent Vega.

They swam-dived together; eyes locked in mocked intensity. Dragged peace signs across their eyes in competition. Rey shook her hair, embodying Uma Thurman herself, and did the monkey like it was her life’s passion. Ben retaliated with a twist, that brought him deep down to the floor, then up again with pouting lips.  

When “ _Twist and Shout”_ started, Ben invoked his best Ferris Bueller, crooning into a fake microphone, gyrating his hips and peacocking like nobody’s business. Rey challenged him as she shimmied her shoulders in and out and swiped her hips and arms left to right like she remembered the lederhosen girls doing on the parade float. She nearly fell to the floor in laughter when Ben dipped low, sliding his shoulders side to side, only to pop up with a clap high above his head. Their laughter was irrepressible.   

The knot in his tie was pulled out and he unfastened the top buttons on his shirt, increasing his range of motion. He flicked his hair back out of his eyes with a singular head toss, biting his lower lip to conceal his grin, as he glided away from her smoothly to opening lines of “ _Don’t You Forget About Me.”_

They both laughed and jumped, yelling the “Hey, hey, hey!” part.

But when _“Baby I love Your Way”_ started to play they both slid into their own swaying, languid groove, smiling and ridiculously serenading each other. Slowly, their motions began to sync, and Rey reached forward, running her hand down his forearm and then he caught her hand in his. He pulled her forward, his fingers pressing on her lower back, pushing her into him and before she knew it, she had her arm draped over his shoulder. They both tilted their heads to the sky and sang “Oo, baby I love your way,” before rolling their heads back in laughter.

They broke apart during the saxophone solo so Ben could naturally pretend to play one in the air and Rey could really drive home the lyrics in her lip-sync.

They slowly moved back together for the rest of the song, both beaming like silly idiots.  

Her body pressed against his and it felt good. _Too good_. Too good for her to bother stopping herself. She tilted her head up to look at him and he gazed down at her, eyes soft and shining, a lopsided smile on those full, plush lips she wasn’t supposed to be thinking about.

Inside her chest, her heart fluttered like a frightened bird, but she did not look away. She held his gaze and smiled back.

 

                                                                                                     *                      *                   *

 

When the beginning notes of the next song floated in the air, Rey gasped. Excitement flashed in her eyes and he was relieved for the change. He was at risk of drowning in them.

He laughed, making space between them with his arms. He lowered one hand to her waist, the other clasped her hand in the air off to the side. He gave her a serious nod.

“This is my dance space,” he motioned, “This is your dance space.”

She threw her head back with the most joyous of laughter.

“You’re such a dork.”

“Ah, but you love it.”

She didn’t answer, just flashed that infectious grin at him. They did a few formal dance steps, before he raised her arm over her head, spinning her away from him.

He brought her back closer to him again, selfishly. Tighter this time. Anchoring her to him with his palm on her lower back. As _“Hungry Eyes”_ played around them, he felt like the rest of the party had disappeared. She looked up at him, her face still happy and calm. He felt her palms, flat to his chest. Her eyes flitted away from his as she watched her hands slide up his body. He simply watched _her_ , just happy to be this close again. Completely contented and fulfilled to have her in his arms, touching him, listening to her laughter. She raised her hands all the way up to his shoulders.

“Ready?” She asked him, teasingly.

He gripped her waist, as she threw her head back, leaning backward, arching out in a semi-circle, swaying away him from the left to the right.

He brought her back upright and shook his head with a ‘tsk”.

“That was garbage. C’mon,” he positioned himself, his knee bracing her between her thighs. Something flashed in her eyes, as he gripped one of her hands and tugged her waist flush to his.

“Ready?” He asked her this time.

He dipped her back, slowly, sweeping her away from him, his hand raising slightly to support her below her shoulder blades. Like this, he had the most beautiful view of her elongated neck, the underside of her chin and the groove beneath her jaw. What he wouldn’t give to run his tongue along that line at this very moment.

When he brought her back up, she looked a little dazed. She huffed out a few quiet breaths, a small flash of a smile on her lips.

“ _Whew_ ,” beside them an older woman passed. She was fanning herself in jest. “I just want you to know that watching you two has made my night!”

Rey’s grip tightened on his hand and she buried her face against his shoulder in a fit of embarrassed giggles, but they continued to sway with each other as the song changed again.

During the opening chords of _“How Deep is Your Love”,_ the band announced that they would be playing one more song before they closed out the evening. He felt her shift, her cheek coming to rest against his chest, her arm sliding up his back to reach up and grip him over his shoulder.

His fingers gently massaged the ravine of her lower back through the material of her dress. He rested his cheek to the top of her head, in taking the scent of her, trying to catalog every single sense at this moment. The heat where their bodies connected, the scent of her mixed with burning tiki lamps and dampening grass, the sound of the band lulling _“how deep is your love,”_ over and over against the peeper frogs in the distance, the vision of her hand gripped gently in his.

Softly, she sighed, moving her hand and threading her fingers through his.

And he shattered. Completely and totally dismantled. Ruined.

It took all his strength not to lift her chin and kiss her right then. Drop down to his knees and bury his face into the front of her dress, begging her to have him for the rest of his miserable life.       

The song ended and the band began to play _“Old Time Rock and Roll,”_ but it was clear neither of them was in a dancing mood anymore. She stepped away from him and smiled, a little sadly.

“We should text Poe to come and get us,” he said, wishing he had a real reason to pull her back to him.

She laughed. “He’s probably drank as much as we have. I’ll text Rose, she-” she stopped herself, shaking her head.

“Finn.” They said together.

 

                                                                                                     *                    *                   *

 

They stood in the grass along the gravel drive. Ben had given her his coat, as her dress was really not warm enough in the night air, especially when they weren’t moving around like maniacs. She had to cuff the sleeves, so they didn’t swallow up her hands. Her shoes dangled from their straps in her fingers.

He stood beside her, looking out into the night. He looked contented, relaxed with his hands in his pockets and a small smile playing on his lips. She watched him admirably.

“What?” He asked, not looking down at her.

She smiled, not even embarrassed that he caught her.

“You look happy,” she said, simply.

He gave a small laugh. “I am happy.” He finally turned to her and the look in his amber eyes stilled her heart. “It was a good night,” he said quietly, his eyes slowly drifting over her face. They paused on her mouth.

She wanted to kiss him so badly. Stretch up on her tiptoes and feel those soft lips press against hers again. To relive what it felt like to have him slide his tongue into her mouth and pull her body into his. She ached for it. Without realizing she had even moved, she found her hand gripping the fabric of his sleeve.

“Yeah,” she whispered, watching as her own fingers caressed the soft, white material. “It was.”

She felt the slightest of breaths ghost across her forehead and she closed her eyes to still the dizzying rush of hope that was rising inside her.

“Rey,” it was so soft, barely a whisper against her cheek.

Before them, the sound of the car tires crunching on the gravel sounded deafening.

“Well, well, well…” Finn called out lifting an eyebrow.

Rose, who was still in her work uniform and seated in the passenger seat beside him, leaned over his arms on the steering wheel.

“Get in losers! We’re going to Troy’s!”

 

                                                                                                  *                   *                      *

 

In the car to Troy’s, Rose twittered with excitement over Ben finally getting to meet her boyfriend. Per usual Rose, she blathered on oblivious to the rest of the car that stayed relatively quiet.

In the backseat, he glanced over to Rey, visible in dim flashes of passing streetlights. She was wearing the same, soft and satisfied smile that he was.

Perhaps lulled into a sense of comfort from earlier, he had reached over and gently covered her hand with his own. It arched up into his and he slid his thumb into the soft crook of her palm. He thought he might die from happiness.

She was his again. He could feel it. Just a subtle shift in the universe, like a sigh of a breeze between them. It made the hair on his arms prickle up.

Then it all came crashing down the very next moment as he realized that nothing had changed.

If anything, circumstances had only gotten worse. He was never home. He was hardly ever in his own apartment. He was always going somewhere or doing something. His job had slowly expanded out, swelling and taking up all corners of his life, leaving no room for her.

His throat felt tight as he lifted his hand away from hers.

After everything, it didn’t matter. He still couldn’t be what she needed him to be.

They were exactly back to where they had been nineteen months ago.

He saw her watching him. Perhaps she had realized it too because she never said anything.

Instead, she just buried herself in his jacket and turned towards the window.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fret not, friends. There is always the after-party!


	12. Ruin My Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I miss you pushing me close to the edge  
> I miss you  
> I wish I knew what I had when I left  
> I miss you  
> You set fire to my world, couldn't handle the heat  
> Now I'm sleeping alone and I'm starting to freeze  
> Baby, come bring me help  
> Let it rain over me  
> Baby, come back to me  
> I want you to ruin my life  
> You to ruin my life, you to ruin my life, yeah  
> I want you to fuck up my nights, yeah  
> Fuck up my nights, yeah, all of my nights, yeah  
> I want you to bring it all on  
> If you make it all wrong, then I'll make it all right, yeah  
> I want you to ruin my life"
> 
> \- Zara Larsson  
> [Ruin My Life](https://youtu.be/3OTjFqWcDQY)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I simply could not wait. It had to be done. You're welcome. 
> 
> [JenfysNest](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenfysNest) is a Goddess and I don't deserve her. 
> 
> I'm on Twitter @UnderCancerMoon and I am trying desperately to figure out how to make a playlist to share on Spotify but like, I am so dumb when it comes to internetting, guys. Like, so, so dumb.
> 
>  

Dark, loud and thick with fake fog - Troy’s was packed for a Sunday night.

Poe was already there, dressed in the usual deconstructed version of his uniform. He greeted Rey and Ben with a bear-hug, although he had just seen Rey yesterday.

“The lovebirds, reunited at last,” he teased. Ben looked down to the floor and Poe elbowed him in the ribs. “You around tomorrow morning?”

Ben shook his head, hands shoving into pockets, shoulders hunching up.

“Leaving first thing. Gotta get things in order before the China trip.”

 _There it is_ , Rey thought. That’s what had happened in the car. 

Ben excused himself to the bar, laying a soft hand on her arm and asking her what she wanted to drink before he left.

Poe turned to her, “Do you have any plans tomorrow morning?”

Rey hummed hesitantly. “Define _morning_.”

Poe looked at her like she was crazy and huffed, “11, at best.”

She grinned, “That’s acceptable. What are we doing?”

There was a look on his face, a barely containable strain of excitement.

“You’ll see.”

When Ben came back he handed her a club soda, which she accepted graciously, needing a break from all the wine swimming in her veins.

He had opted for something neat and in a snifter.

“Bourbon?” She asked. She tried to keep her mood upbeat, not wanting to lose the glowing hue that had previously tinted the evening. She’d be damned if they went back to barely texting and only sending occasional comments on Instagram after tonight.

He smiled down at the glass.

“Pappy Van Winkle,” his eyes flashed up to hers with an accompanying smirk, waiting to see her reaction, as he took a sip.

Her brows shot up, looking down to his hand.

“What?! How do they even have that here?” She blanched.

He laughed with a shrug.

“Troy poured it for me himself.”

Having never been offered a free portion of a $700 whiskey herself, she looked to the bar, mouth open, face offended.

“Want a taste?” He offered with a chuckle.

She accepted his glass, giving the fluid inside a few swirls before lifting it to her nose. She took the smallest of sips, closing her eyes and rolling the spirit around in her mouth. She tasted the toasted cocoa, with hints of dried tobacco and sweet undertones of dates on the finish. She swallowed, enjoying just the slightest of burn and licked her lips with a hum.

When she opened her eyes, Ben was staring down at her with a look that bordered on concupiscent. Her inner thighs involuntarily clenched. His jaw worked as he swallowed roughly.

“Did you like it?” He asked, his voice was low, his head nearly bowed to hers as they faced each other in the blacked bar.

Something. Something in her started to warm, started to seep through her slowly, bleeding out to make her skin feel light and tingly. It was not the whiskey. She felt like her chest was tight like her dress had suddenly shrunk around her body.

She realized it was because she wanted it _off_.

“Yes,” she answered huskily, passing the glass back to him. His fingers brushed hers and the feeling inside her surged, rearing up and roaring.

This was not good. This was really, _really,_ not good.

His eyes held onto hers, unwilling to let her go - let her break away and give herself a moment to calm her breath which was becoming more strained with each passing second.

“Ben!” Rose popped up beside them and they both visibly jumped. Rose looked between them, frowning. “Sorry to sneak up on you in a _public_ place,” she said sarcastically.

Both she and Ben sighed, perhaps ready for the tension to be broken. Rose grabbed Ben’s hand and started pulling him away. “Come meet Matt…” she trailed off into the crowd.

Rey took in a steadying breath. _For all things holy, please don’t let Terry be here,_ she prayed.

She found her way to Finn, who had managed to procure their usual table. She slid in next to him, but he looked distracted.

“Do you think Poe would cheat on me?” He asked her point-blank.

 _Ick._ That was not what she expected. She shifted uncomfortably. Because, _yes_ – but also, like – _never_. She didn’t know how to answer.

It was amazing to watch the dynamic shift from friendship to official coupledom that happened between Poe and Finn. The cute little mannerisms that started to come out. The slip of pet names, the casual handhold, the unsolicited pecks and other signs of affection. It was completely heartwarming, and she couldn’t be happier for her friends.

But Poe certainly had questionable restraint on his sexual exploits compared to most.

She looked across the room to see him, standing in a circle with Ben, Rose, and Matt, hanging off Ben’s shoulder with a grin.

Sometimes she wondered though, for all the bravado and propositioning, if there wasn’t just a big, snuggly fluff-kitten underneath it all.

“Why, is there something going on?” She asked carefully.

He sighed, still watching Poe across the room. His eyes finally dropped to the table.

“I don’t know. Maybe I’m just…” he said quietly, trailing off. It was silent for a beat, then, “Do you think we’ll ever really allow ourselves to be loved? Are we even capable of it?”

She knew he wasn’t talking about a hypothetical _we._

He meant she and him. Them. The abandoned toddler and the baby born into crack withdrawal.

The broken ones.The forgotten and haunted.

The thrown away.

Her throat knotted and she felt a bruise of emotion in her brows.

“I don’t know,” she answered, looking across the room towards Ben. It wasn’t the best answer, but it was the only one she had.

 

                                                                                                                ***

 

Matt was nice and all, but Ben was desperate to make his way back to Rey. He kept glancing at her across the room.

He had this aching need that was slowly rising inside him. Usually, a complete coward when it came to feelings and somehow computing that into verbalization, tonight, he felt like it was time.

He had to get the words out, had to free them from his chest and let them float in the air.

He found her, standing and talking to Rose and another girl who apparently worked with them at the restaurant.

After their introduction and her slightly star-struck reaction, he dipped his head by Rey’s ear.

“Do you want to get some air?” He asked her. She looked to him, her face unreadable. Perhaps a whisper of fear fluttering across her brow.

“Sure.”

He led the way, holding the door open as she passed him into the cool night air. She still had his jacket draped over her shoulders.

They walked side-by-side in a comfortable quiet, the street around them littered with people talking outside of other establishments. Car tires gently hissed on the pavement, horns beeped sporadically in the distance, the dull bassline of a song floated in the air. They took a right, which led to a quieter side street. It affronted the park they had been to the day he told her he was leaving for New York.

“Ben-”

“Rey-”

They both started and then stopped, awkwardness starting to mist around them.

Rey nodded to a park bench in the grass.

“Can we sit?” She asked, pleadingly. “My feet are killing me.”

He looked to her feet, held in a pair of nude, strappy heels and winced. Sure, they were sexy as hell, but he bet they hurt like a mother-fucker by now.

Offering her an assisting hand they moved to the bench where she reclined with a sigh.

Dropping himself beside her, he couldn’t help but turn his body towards hers.

She was looking towards the street corner, attention briefly turned away as she watched a boisterous crowd of college students walk by. His eyes traced over the arc of her cheekbone, the wave of her dark hair against her jaw. He wanted to touch her, feel her soft skin under his fingertips. She was so beautiful. How could he have forgotten what it was like to be so close to her?

“Rey,” he began, quietly.

Her eyes shifted to his. She was so close he could see the speckles of green that tinted them. He held his breath for a beat, a feeling of dread weighing on his chest. She was a little stiff, those eyes quietly moving from one point on his own face to another. Cautiously observing his features, unsure of where this was going to go.

“I’ve made a lot of mistakes,” he continued, a fist nervously clenching and unclenching against the top of his thigh. “I made some choices that were hurtful – they hurt _you_ – and I _never_ wanted to hurt you,” his voice faltered despite it being barely above a whisper.

She was watching him carefully and he was sure he probably looked as pathetic as he felt.

“You’re one of the most important people in my life. I need you to know that. You _do_ know that, right?” He asked her earnestly, searching her face, looking for recognition.

He watched as her mouth pressed into a line before it trembled, her eyes suddenly shining and glassy. Looking away, she nodded, quickly swiping under her lashes with the back of a hooked finger.

This was it. He took a deep breath and looked to the night sky.

“There are things that I want for you… that I want _with_ you,” he continued, his voice hushed and shaky. “But I can’t give those things to you. Not right now. And I can’t have you hate me for it,” he shook his head, looking back towards her, the next part tumbling out of him weakly. “I -I just can’t.”

“I’ve never hated you,” she whispered. Her eyes were still glistening, lashes damp and dark.

She shook her head. “I could never hate you.” She was more relaxed now, the tension melting out of her body. Her eyes were so soft, so lovely. A faint smile pulled at her lips and the weight in his heart lifted, relieved.   

“Ben,” she started wearily, shaking her head taking her turn to look towards the darkened sky for the right words. Blinking, her gaze lowered to the grass before them. He pitched his elbow up on the back of the park bench, his fist supporting his head by the temple as he looked down at her when she spoke.

“There are things about me…” her brow furrowed and again she was shaking her head. “Things I’ve never told _anyone_ …”

His pulse was booming in his ears. The thought of her hurting, the thought of her being pained or scared or mistreated, released a primal feeling in him he could not quite identify.  

“I’m…” she was still shaking her head, eyes looking before them, searching as if the surroundings could help her explain. Clenching her eyes shut, she took in a breath.

“My whole life I have felt like I was _nothing_ . Afraid that I _was_ nothing.” Her confession was so faint it trembled, delicate in the night air. He watched as a tear slipped down her cheek. “Just, not important… _no one_.”

He was entranced. His fingers yearned to reach out and comfort her. Cup her face in his hands and confess everything that was racing through his mind at this very moment. But he didn’t, because he knew that he was guilty of making her feel that way too, even though it wasn’t intentional.

But then she did it. She subconsciously tucked in her lower lip, catching it for just a moment between her teeth, before she released it. He looked down at it, ruddy and glistening. Before he could even catch himself, his hand was at her jaw, his thumb gently grazing the corner of her mouth.

She stiffened at his touch, her eyes flying open and his flashed up to meet hers. He was greeted by a look that was familiar, but one he hadn’t seen in a very long time. Her eyes were clear, pupils big and lovely, as they slowly slid down to look at his mouth. He wet his lips and she let out a barely audible breath.

“Not to me.”

He wasn’t even sure if he had said it or just mouthed it to her.

Ben swallowed, sweeping his thumb across the hollow of her cheek. Their eyes met again, and he knew his were begging her. Wanting, pleading, desperate to show her.

The slightest of movements - the sudden weight of her eyelids, the gentle lift of her chin towards him, the smallest parting of her mouth, nearly brought him to his knees.

He lowered his mouth to hers - meeting with the most tender of touches. Slowly, he plucked at her mouth with his - lips softly urging hers, moving to nip at her bottom lip, then barely brushing at all.

He pressed in, his tongue gently sweeping between her parted lips as he slid his hand back to properly cradle her head. He pushed in deeper with slow and lazy strokes, feeling her melt back into the park bench with a sigh, against his outstretched arm, and into his palm. She was malleable to his touch. His hand shifted lower, the slightest of traces against her neck, his thumb now smoothing over her exposed throat.

Ben felt her palm, warm on the side of his face, fingers gently dipping in his hair to rake softly across his scalp.

He moaned, dropping his mouth against her cheek as his forehead came to rest against hers.

“If I don’t stop now, I’ll never be able to,” he told her, nearly inaudible.         

A nod, barely detectable.

“We should go back in…” came from her so meekly, he could hardly hear it.

He nodded too but did not move.

She swallowed, gently turning her face to catch his mouth with hers again.

They melded into each other, gentle waves of caresses and sighs, tongue and teeth and lips. Soft fingers against skin, hair gently brushed aside. It was like the rest of the world had disappeared. He was sinking, deeper and deeper with each swell of her mouth against his.

He could stay here all night. Just like this. With just her exquisite kiss, the sounds of the city before them, the wind rustling the leaves of the park trees behind them.

But he couldn’t. This had the potential to end dangerously and they both knew it. They were teetering on the edge of something cavernous.

His hand gently came to rest on her shoulder as he broke himself away. Her eyes were half-lidded and dreamy as they looked up at him.

He wanted to push through the collar of his coat, unzip and lower that dress until he reached the swell of her breast. He wanted to force it out into the cool night air and watch the nipple bud out before he took it between his lips. He wanted to hear her sighs in his hair. To push into her right here on this park bench and feel her warmth surround him again. To feel like he was filling her as she lay back to let him in completely.

He stood, shaky, and she straightened herself out below him, suddenly looking self-conscious. The color flushing her cheekbones was barely visible under the streetlamp.

Reaching out, he offered her his hand. Her eyes flicked up to it, and she took it, avoiding his gaze. Standing, she brushed her hand down the front of the dress.

He gave her hand a squeeze. When her eyes raised to his, he gave her a warm smile. She returned it and they made their way back towards the main street.

 

                                                                                                                ***

 

They went back inside, the swirling and dizzying scene of the bar hitting them all at once.

Rey felt saturated. Her mind heavy and dripping with what had just happened outside - her heart falling and fluttering in her chest. Her thighs were tight and hot with tension. He was still holding her hand, helping to guide her through the crowd. Feeling the heat of his palm against hers, remembering the warmth of those full and flushed lips on hers again, she stopped, giving his hand a gentle tug.

Ben stopped abruptly, turning to face her in the crowded space. She stepped forward, pressing herself against him. She watched as his quizzical expression changed to that of something much more complex, perhaps conflicted and dark when she reached forward, generously palming the erection she knew he was trying to stifle through his dress pants.

He pushed closer to her, his shunted breath on her forehead.

“Rey,” he rasped. It was a warning and he reached forward, gripping her shoulders.

Her eyes darted around. No one was looking. It was too late in the night, everyone was too distracted to care about them.

She held his gaze but did not say a word, running the length of him, slow and dragging. He shuddered and she enjoyed the authority that came with having him hard but helpless in her hands.

She turned and ran her fingers down the length of his inner arm, pooling her hand in his, as she intertwined their fingers. She was too afraid to look up, because she was being bold.

Very, very bold.

She let his clinging fingers go, making her way through the crowd with just the slightest of glances over her shoulder.

His face was so conflicted. A mix of a man who either wanted to charge after her or maybe run in the opposite direction.

Troy’s had four bathrooms in a separate hallway offset from the bar and dancefloor. Each one a single stall and each decorated differently according to a different holiday theme. Easter, Christmas, Halloween and Valentine’s Day.

She slipped into the first available, which happened to be Valentine’s day. Red and pink, paper and shiny hearts on the walls. Cupids drawing their bows as they danced across the ceiling border. “Be Mine” in red lacy letters strung across the back wall.

She stood at the sink, head down, trembling fingers gripping the sides of the basin as she breathed raggedly.

What the fuck was she doing? Why was she tempting him like this? Why was she risking her heart again like this?

The door creaked open behind her. Their eyes met in the reflection of mirrored glass before her as he slipped in, closing the door and then leaning against it. They watched each other for what seemed like minutes, both breathing uneasily.

“Rey,” he began.

“Lock the door,” she whispered.

He stared at her, eyes flashing through a series of emotions. Weak but wanting. Hungry but tentative. Lustful but unsure. His back stayed pressed against the door.

Rey straightened herself. She commanded his gaze in the mirror. Rolling her shoulders, his coat slipped down onto the floor. Their eyes unbroken, her fingers slowly trailed down her hips to her thighs, curling under the hem of her dress. She watched him as his eyes drifted down her body, so impatient but so afraid to move from his spot against the door.

Arching, she curved her spine, hips rounding as she slowly dragged the dress up and over the round swell of her backside, exposing the lacy fabric underneath.

His breath was coming out in quiet pants from his parted mouth, his gaze locked on her exposed rear. He licked his lips. His eyes raised back up to hers in the mirror, the resolution obvious, as he reached across his shoulder, switching the latch to lock the door.

In an instant he was against her, looming over her. His mouth trailing hot kisses against the back of her neck, big hands kneading greedy handfuls of the flesh of her ass. His fevered and hungry mouth moved to the crook of her neck, his body pressing into and framing hers. One of his hands moved up, covering over hers, the other gripping the sink counter against her hip. His breath was strained, puffing into her hair as his teeth gently grazed the lobe of her ear. She practically shook from the waves of weakness and delight that were crashing into her.

Their eyes met again in the reflection of the mirror. Hers heavy and flooded with desire, his dark and ravenous.

He rolled his hips against her and she could feel the length of him, hot and solid, pressing into her soft flesh. She held his eyes in the mirror, biting her lower lip with a moan.

His face then, the look on it. It melted her. Seeping out of her and making a mess of her lace underwear. Underwear that his fingers had slid beneath and he was dragging down her thighs this very moment.

“Tell me you are absolutely sure,” he breathed into her hair. His eyes flashed back up to meet hers.

It was unbelievable to think that only a few words were all that stood between her and the swelling, avaricious beast behind her.

“I need to hear you say it,” he rasped. Those eyes, so dark, so lovely and on the edge of pleading.

Hot puffs of air were escaping from her mouth as she leaned herself back, face raising to look at him.

 _I shouldn’t be doing this_. It was often a thought she had regarding Ben. But then she wondered, that maybe she  _should_ be doing this. Maybe this was exactly what she was supposed to be doing and everything else was wrong.

“I _need_ this,” she breathed.

His hand reached around, roughly seizing her neck, just below her chin, as his mouth crashed into hers, no longer gentle and tender, now devouring and forceful. She could feel his other hand as it worked at his belt and pants zipper. She felt the slide of the fabric against the back of her legs as they fell to the floor and he pulled at his briefs. He released his grip below her jaw, both hands curling over her hip bones, clutching as he pulled her up and towards him. She arched herself, leaning over the sink with a whine, quaking from the need to have him inside her again.

He teased the hard tip of his head through the soaked folds of her seam, taunting against her white-hot center. Lined up, he groaned deep and low, lowering his head, pausing for a moment as he pressed a kiss against her shoulder.

“I haven’t-” his words were deep and tense as he throbbed against her. He swallowed, “There hasn’t been anyone else.”

She felt like she was going to explode, the need in her so overwhelming she almost didn’t hear him. She was trembling, fighting for her breath, body tight and ready.

Shaking her head, the relief and surprise surged through her so rapidly that she feared the emotional swell might make her weep.

“Me neither,” she whispered, ending in a cry as he pushed into her, thick and filling. Her fingers scrambled to clutch onto the edges of the sink as she clenched her teeth, relishing in the parting of her body to accommodate his. He bottomed out against her with a smack. A moan escaped from her that was barely human.

“ _God_ ,” he gasped, taking a moment to collect himself. He pulled back from her in a slow and deliberate stroke, only to slam back in again with a rough and impatient push.

Rey jutted against the sink with a harsh cry.

 

                                                                                                                ***

Ben paused, suddenly afraid his animalism had gotten out of hand.

“Was that too much?”

She raised her head to look at him in the mirror. Her hair was in her face, her teeth partially bared, eyes bordering annoyance.

“I didn’t say it,” she panted.

 _Buttercup_. How could he forget?

He reached up, fisting the hair at the nape of her neck, giving it a slight tug as he reared back again. His other hand crushed at her hip as he powered into her again with another slap as their flesh met. He repeated, again and again, her body racking with each lunge. He wished he could rip that damn dress right off her, watch her naked body tremble and bounce every time he slammed against her.

Her body tightened around him, fierce and consuming. He could tell she was close, he remembered how she would grip and flutter around him when he was inside her.

Someone knocked on the door.

“FUCK OFF!” Ben bellowed, booming in a voice he hadn’t had to use in ages.

Rey chuckled through her ecstasy below him, and he had to let a laugh escape too. It did not slow his pace though, as he angled her just enough so that he couldn’t go any further into her.

He heard it before he felt it.

The escalation of her cries, the crescendo of her as her whole body rose, elated on a wave of pure bliss. Her thighs shook and quivered around him, as he pressed on, ready to be taken away with her.

He peaked, the release so intense and violent, he collapsed against her back when he finished.

They remained like that for a moment, each catching their breath. Finally, he rose up, gently giving a caress to her rump, before removing himself from her with a sigh. He took a small step back, stooping to raise his briefs and pants up from the pool around his ankles.

On shaky arms, Rey pushed herself up. She took a few deep breaths before making her way to the toilet paper dispenser, attempting to clean herself up.  

He raked a hand through his hair after he had tucked his shirt back in and made an attempt to look presentable before they went back into the bar.

The reality of what had just transpired was hitting him like a wrecking ball. He watched as Rey shook her head at her lacy undergarment, not bothering to step back into it but instead shoving it into the pocket of the suit coat. She had already pulled down the dress and smoothed out her hair.

“Everyone is probably looking for us. Can’t wait to deal with all the ques-”

“I love you.”

It had come out of him so fluidly, so sincerely, and so absolute, it even shocked him. He stood there and let it fill the room.

She looked back at him, jaw dropped, blinking.

“I’ve been in love with you for years,” he continued. “I was always so afraid to tell you because I was afraid you didn’t feel the same way, but now I realize that if I don’t tell you – if I don’t find a way to let you know that you are all I think about every day, no matter where I am – I’m going to lose you.” He shook his head. “I can’t lose you again, Rey. I won’t.”

Again, there was a knock on the door and Ben whirled around in frustration.

“Oh, for fucks sake, _hold on_ -”

“I love you too.”

He turned back to her, a little shocked and unbelieving.

She nodded, looking down at his coat in her arms.

“I love you so much that I don’t think I have ever been so scared of something in my entire life. It terrifies me sometimes,” she said softly, her eyes raising to meet his.

He stepped to her, cupping her cheek in his hand.

“We can make this work,” he was pleading, he knew. “We can figure it out. We have to try.”

She nodded, searching his eyes.

“We do,” she agreed.

Relief and an instant flood of happiness took over him, as he lowered his lips to hers.

“Let’s get out of here, Sweetheart.”

He kissed her again and felt her grin against his mouth.

Unlocking the door, he swung it open, looking back at her, before turning his eyes to the hallway, where he was greeted by Poe and Rose.

Both had knowing smiles on their faces as their eyes moved from her to him, to her and back to him.

From behind them, Finn powered into the hall.

“They’re not outside, they’ve gotta be…” his sentence died on his lips as he came to stand next to Poe.

“Yeah,” Poe grinned. “We found them.”

“Indeed,” Finn nodded.

Rose folded her arms in mock offense.

“You could have at least told us you were going to be a while. We looked for you everywhere!”

Ben reached back and grabbed Rey’s hand, pulling her with him as he stepped forward, smirking down to his friends in the crowded space.

“Yeah, sure. I’m going to go have bathroom sex with the love of my life in our favorite bar - Rosie, watch my beer.”

Rose’s mouth dropped open excitedly at “ _love of my life_ ”, wide eyes flying to Rey as Ben pulled her past them.

Ben stopped at the mouth of the hallway, turning to face them and still clutching Rey’s hand.

“I love you all, but I have five hours before I go back to New York and Rey and I have some catching up we need to do. I’ll be back from China in two months, we’ll make dinner.” He gave them a final nod.

Poe gave him a salute, Finn a snap in the air, Rose a grin and a wave. Rey waved back to them unable to control her tittering joy before trotting behind him giddily.

“I’ll see you tomorrow!” She pointed to Poe.

Once outside he dipped down, scooping her up into his arms. She squealed and laughed.

“What are you doing?”

“The hotel is one block away, and you are never going to make it in those heels,” he powered up the stairs, determined.

Her laughter was music to his ears, as her grip around his neck tightened.

“I can’t believe I am letting you bridal carry me down main street in the middle of the night. This is certainly _not_ how I expected today would go, I can tell you that.”

He grinned back, because he hadn’t either, but he was certainly glad that it did.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *takes drag of a cigarette
> 
> I don't know about you, but I am feeling pretty good.


	13. This is The Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You pull back the curtain  
> And the sun burns into your eyes  
> You watch a plane flying  
> Across a clear blue sky  
> This is the day, your life will surely change  
> This is the day, when things fall into place  
> You could have done anything, if you wanted  
> And all your friends and family think that you're lucky  
> But the side of you they'll never see  
> Is when you're left alone with your memories  
> That hold your life together, like glue”
> 
> \- The The  
> [This is the Day](https://youtu.be/7ZYgKCbFbWY)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Morning will come, it has no choice" - Mary Rubin
> 
> As always, thanks to [JenfysNest](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenfysNest) for correcting my same gramtical errors over and over again lol.

It was early, painfully early, when he pulled himself from her arms and woefully dragged himself into the bathroom.

Rey listened to the sound of the rushing water, dazed from the lack of sleep and the last few hours of cycled, rolling pleasure and soft, comforting strokes to each other’s bodies. She was fully sated, the heavy fog of euphoric tranquility settling over her as she lay on her stomach, the risk of falling asleep in this state of bliss a very real threat.

In this moment she felt loosened. Something that was always within her, usually tight and binding, now relaxed. It was going to be okay, she assured herself. He wanted to work it out. He had come back to her like he once promised. Long ago, scrawled on a note on her kitchen counter. The slightest slack and slip on the fear and tension that always made her question her own worthiness. The gentlest of hushes to the sniffling toddler inside her, with a promise of hope.

She must have actually dozed off, because the next thing she knew, Ben was placing a warm hand to her shoulder.

“Rey,” he whispered gently, stirring her.

Blinking, with a soft moan, she rolled to her side to face him with a sleepy smile. He stood beside the bed, looking down at her. Bag draped over his shoulder, his glasses, which he rarely wore unless he was reading, resting on his face. Behind the lenses was a worried look. The distress and angst practically radiating from him as he shifted, avoiding her gaze.

She frowned a little, the drag of a sleepy brain not understanding his open unease.

For a flash of a second, the doubt returned and she feared he was going to tell her this was a mistake. That they should have never let their lust get the better of them. This was going to crash and burn, just like it did before. A Hindenburg of emotions, fated to blaze bright and then burn itself into ashes.

But then she felt it. It rolled over her like a wave, the silent and understood connection that seemed to bridge them. He is afraid to leave. Worried that if he walked out of this room it would all end again. Scared that the spell would break, and things could go back to how they were. The two of them at a distance, the space between them aching.

Raising herself up on her elbow, she reached out for his hand, pulling him down to her. He bent in half, leaning over her so she could card her fingers through his wet, freshly showered hair.

“Hey,” she said softly. He looked bashful, ashamed even, darkened pools of honey tracing over her face. She smiled softly, cupping his chin. “I’m here. I’ll wait for you.”

She watched in real time as his pupils expanded and a relieved grin threatened to bloom on his face. He tried to suppress it and failed miserably.

He leaned forward, burying his face into the side of her hair.

“Fuck, I love you so much,” he said, with a sigh, then a kiss to her temple. She still had the bed sheets wrapped around her as he hovered over her for a kiss on the lips.

He tasted like toothpaste and she was sure she probably tasted like stale wine and sleep, which could not be that pleasant, but he didn’t seem to care.

He stood back, admiring her once again.

Her heart swelled. He was so goddamn handsome it hurt her.

He nodded to the sheets.

“One peek for the road.”

She grinned, adjusting herself into a flattering pose, before lifting the sheets away for her nude body. His eyes took their time, floating down from the top of her head to the tips of her toes.

“Exquisite,” he sighed wistfully with a grin. He leaned back down for another peck, then hummed.

“I have to go,” he said as he lowered his head, quickly capturing one of her nipples in a warm, open-mouthed kiss. Rey gasped with a laugh.

He grinned, kissing her again.

“Okay, seriously, cover back up before I get back in there with you,” he warned against her mouth.

She pulled the sheet back around her, raising up to chase his retreating mouth.

“Bye, Sweetheart,” he whispered against her hair.

“Bye,” she grinned, watching as he backed away. He finally turned the corner towards the room door.

She curled her hands by her mouth.

“I love you,” she called out with a giggle. It felt so _good_ to say it out loud. _Finally_. It was… so natural. “That’s something we say now!”    

There was a pause before he came thundering back around the corner, pulling his bag up from his shoulder and unceremoniously tossing it to the floor. He was already peeling away his pants as he kneeled at the corner of the bed.

“Fuck it, I can be a little late this morning.”

Rey squealed with unbridled joy as he climbed on top of her again, laughing and showering her head and shoulders with needy and excited kisses.

 

                                                                                                     * * *

 

Ben miraculously made it back to New York in record time, the painfully early departure allowing him to avoid a good portion of traffic, even after he had to take a cab back to the winery to pick up his car.

He strode into the back entrance of the _First Order_ kitchen with shades over his tired eyes and a black coffee. He made it by eleven. It was a miracle.

Hux was already in the galley, sneering, per usual.

The two rarely spoke. Ben didn’t want to waste the energy, Hux could never keep the sarcasm from dripping out of his stupid fucking mouth.

Snoke had promoted him, giving him equal standing in the kitchen for whenever Ben was away.

Truthfully, he had earned it, but it was somewhat grating to Ben to have to share _his_ kitchen with such a swiping little toad.

“We removed the cod but kept the sea bass. Snoke wanted to add a second pork dish for the season change. I’m working on a demi-glace,” Hux told him, plainly. Ben nodded, having still not removed his glasses upon entering the bright kitchen. His whole existence hurt and quite frankly, Hux could have told him they added franks and beans to the menu, and he wouldn’t have given a shit.

“Sounds good.”

His response brought a bit of a knee-jerk reaction from Hux, perhaps surprised that Ben did not ask a single question or offer any input on the dish at all.

He left the kitchen, moving to his office, where he collapsed into his chair with a sigh. Immediately, his phone rang, and he groaned with an eye-roll as he answered it.

“Solo.”

“Welcome back,” Snoke dripped as if Ben had disappeared for an entire week to go sip fruity drinks in the Bahamas somewhere. Involuntarily, Ben ground his teeth together. “We’ve rescheduled today’s meeting for 2 pm, bring me your ideas for _Worldview_ and your work on the fourth quarter social media campaign,” was followed by the sharp click of the phone hanging up.  

Ben sighed, lifting his glasses and dragging a heavy hand down his face. It was going to be a long day.

                                                    

                                                                                                         * * *

 

Rey rushed across the street to meet Poe downtown. Unlike the nearly perfect day before, today was gloomy and rainy.

She leaped to avoid a puddle, trotting up to Poe as he stood under the cover of an awning.

“There she is, the kinky little minx,” he grinned. She chuckled and offered him joint coverage under her red umbrella.

Surprisingly, she found herself not embarrassed about the events from the night before. She didn’t care who knew about her and Ben anymore. Something had shifted in the night. Something had changed. They were together now, despite the distance and time that would separate them. They were an actual, legitimate couple. They both wanted this, were both going to work for it. It was… comforting.

“You two manage to _work out your problems?”_ He asked, using air quotes to punctuate the last part. He huddled in close and they began to walk.

“Mmmm,” she hummed with a grin. “We’re attempting to work on them, I suppose.”

“Good,” he smiled, genuinely. “It’s a good thing you both just… _ended up_ at that fundraiser like that. What are the chances?” A hint of something floated in his voice and Rey stopped short, a smile twisting on her lips.

“You knew he was going to be there,” she laughed, shaking her head.

“I may have had some insider information about the guest list.” They started to walk again, and Poe shrugged. “I mean, _someone_ had to get you two in the same room again so you could fuc- _talk_ it out.”

She gave his linked arm a squeeze. Poe Dameron, her personal little cupid. She giggled at the brief image of him with ringlets, wings and a diaper, launching a little heart tipped arrow in her direction.

“Thanks for doing this with me. I feel like I need a second opinion. You were my first choice.”

“I was literally standing right there when you asked Ben to come with you last night,” she corrected, light-heartedly.

“Ah, yes, but that was just out of courtesy. I knew it would be you from the beginning,” he teased, offering her a wink as he guided her to a store entrance.

Rey stepped inside as a digital bell rang out beside her. Collapsing her umbrella, she paused, her eyes going over the rectangular rows of glass cases and glittering stones and metals before her.

“Whoops,” she bumped backward into Poe. “I think we got the wrong store.”

He caught her shoulders from behind. “No, we didn’t.” Moving past her, he went to the case on the left and she frowned at him, slightly confused.

He waved her over and she came to stand by him, as he pointed down at a selection of simple wedding bands in the case.

“So, I was thinking, probably platinum, because if I come at him with that white gold nonsense, he might actually say no,” he gave a little eye roll. “You know how he is.”

Rey covered her mouth with her hands.

“Oh my God,” she whispered, her eyes suddenly welling up with involuntary tears of joy. She fanned herself, “Oh my God, _Poe!”_

“Don’t go soft on me here, Sunshine, I need your help.”

Nodding, she stepped closer, an enormous smile spread across her face.

They picked a simple band for Poe, something a little flashier for Finn, featuring a small line of sparkling diamond chips. They exited the shop, both completely beaming and ecstatic.

“I can’t believe this!” she gushed. The rain had stopped, so she didn’t bother to open her umbrella again.

“Best decision of my life,” he confirmed, his bliss emanating from him like a beacon. “Wanna grab some lunch?”

“My God, yes, I am starving!” She had, after all, spent most of her morning lazing around Ben’s hotel room, until she had to drag herself out of bed and call an Uber to take her home. Poor Ben, he must be deliriously tired by now. At least she managed to steal a few hours of sleep.

“Yes, I’m sure you worked up quite an appetite,” he teased her with a little shot to her ribs.

She shook her head with a laugh, pointing out a cute French Bistro that had just opened, “This work?”  

“Perfectly.”

Once inside they ordered coffees to start and he handed her the small box containing the rings.

“Keep these safe for me, will you? I can’t have him finding them accidentally.” She slipped it into her purse.

“Do you have some elaborate proposal plan? Are you going to do something big and ridiculous that we can make a viral video of ?” she asked, eagerly.

“Nope. We’re taking a weekend trip to an Air Bnb in the Catskills and I’m going to ask him there, hopefully on a bearskin rug, in front of the fireplace in the glow of a post-coital high.”

“Nmm, less likely for him to run away if he’s naked,” Rey offered.

“Exactly!” Poe laughed. On the table, his phone rang. It was Finn. “Speak of the devil,” he muttered, bringing the phone to his ear. “Hello, handsome.”

Rey smiled, looking around the restaurant appreciatively. It was quite cute, brightly painted in yellow and cheerful blues, the servers in long, classic starched, white aprons.

“Oh no… well, we just got here,” Poe was saying when she looked back at him. “Do you want to come meet us? Okay… Let me talk to Rey. Okay, I’ll call you when we’re done, love you.” He sighed heavily and put the phone back on the table. “So apparently, Matt broke up with Rose last night.”

“What?! They seemed like they were really getting on,” Rey was genuinely shocked. She cringed. “How is Rose handling it?”

“I don’t know yet, you should probably text her. Finn said he’s headed to her place now.”

Rey reached for her phone, pulling it out to see that Rose had already sent her several messages.

 

**ROSE: Fucking Matt broke up with me!**

**ROSE: Apparently, he just isn’t ready for things to be that serious**

**ROSE: What a fuckboy loser douche**

**ROSE: I’m going to start day-drinking immediately.**

 

That was over an hour ago.

“Hoo boy…” Rey whispered, ominously.   

Poe grabbed the menu and started scanning it. “You down with picking out some different things and treating our heartbroken friend to a surprise sorry-about-your-break-up lunch?”

Rey smiled as her heart warmed. She loved her friends. Loved their little family. Loved that there was a mutually exchangeable thing that floated among them.  

“That sounds like a great idea.”

About thirty minutes later, they clambered into Rose’s apartment, laden with bags of delicious smelling food, two bottles of champagne and some orange juice. They could already hear the pumping disco rhythm of Gloria’s Gaynor’s _“I will survive”_ streaming from the kitchen, accompanied by Rose’s screaming vocals.

Rose was still in her pajamas, a matching set of purple polka dotted pants and a tank top. She was swishing and swaying and singing along passionately to the song as Finn sat at her kitchen table, snapping along, hand overhead.

“Yeah, girl, sing it out!” He called to her, taking a sip of his coffee.

Poe deposited his bags on the table, immediately moving forward to take Rose’s hand and twirl her around. Rey laughed and started to pull out the food from their takeout bags.

“She’s lit,” Finn said quietly, giving his head a little shake. “I had to pry a fifth of Fireball out of her hand when I got here.”

Rey made a face and groaned.

“Maybe she’ll be ready for a nap in an hour or two?” she offered, with little hope.

He gave her a doubtful look and looked back to the dancing duo. “I think we’re in for a long day.”

 

                                                                                                        * * *

 

Ben awoke with a jolt, wiping a flash of drool from his face with the back of his hand. His eyes immediately flew to the clock on his wall.

2:13.

_Fuck!_

He scrambled, grabbing what he hoped he needed for his meeting and making a half-assed attempt to straighten out his hair. As he powered out of his office, he nearly mowed over Kaydel in the process.

 _“Seriously?!”_ she hissed, snatching the paperwork from his arms and flipping through it quickly. “You’re missing the analytics from last quarter.”

He turned, rushing back and snatching it off his desk. Joining her again in the hallway, she walked beside him, her much shorter steps hitting angrily as her heels clacked against the floor.

“The one time – _one time_ – I have a morning engagement!” she continued, puffed out in shortened breaths. She glanced down at her ever-attached phone and came to a halt outside of the meeting room.

Turning to him, she looked him over in scrutiny, her head giving a small shake.

“We covered a possible trip to either Cuba or Mexico, next months projected sales for those stupid rubber spatulas that took so long to get out of production, but that’s it so far. Sit to the left of Snoke, you’ve got goddam wrinkle lines on your cheek.”

And with that, she turned, pushing open the door and leading the way into the meeting room.

 

                                                                                                         * * *

It was 3 pm and Rose was crying and blowing her nose into a Kleenex. She pulled another one from the box before her and wiped her eyes.

“I mean, I’m _27! Twenty-seven!”_ With a shaky sigh, she huffed out a stifled little cry. “Like, I’ve been putting up with this shit for my whole 20’s, _when_ is it going to end? When am I going to find my _LOBSTER!_ ”

This was a reference Rose used often, connecting back to some television show in the 90s that she kept pestering Rey to binge with her.

They had thought they were doing a good job monitoring Rose’s mimosa intake, only to discover she had been sneakily topping herself off when their backs were turned. She was officially shit-faced.

At this rate, it wasn’t even worth fighting her.

In some way, Rey felt her pain. She was only half a year behind Rose, her own 27th birthday looming in the not so distant future. Where had the time gone? It felt like just last week she was 22, dying her hair unflattering colors in her bathroom, working at some shitty department store, asking Rose if she knew any places she should apply for a job.

It had been nearly five years now since she walked into the restaurant for the first day. Again, how was that even possible?

Sometimes, she felt a little guilty for not pursuing something else. For not taking a career path in the vein of the degree that she had worked so hard to achieve. Yet, she loved her job. Truly. She made great money, got to work with her best friends, never worried about if she would be able to pay her bills or have extra spending money. It was all just there. Perfectly comfortable.

From when she had started to where she was now, she had practically become an encyclopedia of wine, beer, and spirits knowledge. She could rattle off facts and tasting notes about nearly anything she tried, even if it was only once. Her palate was becoming so refined, she would play a little parlor game with some of the other servers at the end of the night.

They called it the “Wine Club”. Once a month, everyone in the club (of which, Rose and Poe participated, however, Finn did not) would bring in a bottle of wine, which would then be squirreled off by Finn to be decanted and numbered. They would all test their palate strength, blind tasting, making notes and stabs at the wine varietal, region, altitude, and vintage.

At this point, Rey was the three-month running champion. Her varietal and regional knowledge unmatched by the others, her vintage and altitude recognition needing refinement.  

The Saturday before the fundraiser she had arrived at work and Amilyn was sitting at the bar when she came around the corner from the kitchen. Beside her, a handsome older gentleman with a beard and kind blue eyes. Before them, a spread of empty wine glasses and a few bottles.

Rey recognized him somehow but could not quite place it immediately.

Her eyes flashed to the POS system, glad to see she was exactly on time, instead of her usual few minutes dragging behind.

Amilyn smiled kindly, the warmth spreading to her eyes as it always did.

“Rey, wonderful! I was just speaking to Luke about you,” she gestured to the man beside her.

 _Luke._ How did she know him?

He gave her a slight nod and extended his hand across the bar to her.

She gripped it, immediately remembering him standing beside Ben and Han at Leia’s funeral.

Ben’s Uncle. Leia’s brother. What an unusual visitor.

She remembered Han mumbling something about the Skywalkers and their attachment to _“that damn industry”_ and assumed that maybe he was offering some sort of consulting help. Either way, it didn’t really concern her, so she said hello and turned to the computer, clocking herself in.

“We’re actually getting ready to have a bit of a tasting for the Fall menu,” Amilyn said, reaching forward and pouring out just a sip of wine into three of the gleaming glasses resting on the bar. “I would love your input.”

Never one to shoot down free wine, Rey had shrugged, reaching behind her to grab a pint glass to spit the wine into. A crude but necessary action when it came to wine tastings.

The first selection was a pale, slip of a wine. A barely tinted Muscadet. Zippy, acidic, briny. She could picture the wash of water over slate, hear the gulls cawing offshore, almost feel the warm breeze. She described it as such to her companions, recommending it be paired with something equally as delicate, perhaps the fresh seafood platter or even a vichyssoise.

Amilyn shared a quick smile with Luke and poured out the next selection.

A golden wine. Rich, woody, sappy with hints of honeysuckle and white peach. A Viognier with the faintest finish of vanilla. A world apart from the first wine, despite coming from the same country of origin. From the Rhone Valley. She pictured rolling green hills and clay streets baking in the summer sun. The grapes hot and juicy, plucked straight from the vine. A perfect pairing for the chicken and plum gastrique currently on the menu.  

Again, Luke and Amilyn shared a mutual appreciating look as she prattled on about the wine.

She loved this though. Loved the different flavors and mental flashes she would get during a tasting. It was like traveling the world, one sip at a time.

When Amilyn poured the last wine, a deeply hued amethyst color, she began her sentence softly.

“You have been a stellar employee during your time here, Rey,” she moved and splashed tastes into the last two glasses before her. “You have shown a real commitment to the restaurant. You have learned so much and go out of your way to educate those who may have less experience and knowledge than you do. It has not gone unnoticed.”

Truly touched by her words, Rey felt herself blush a little. She thanked her, swirling the gorgeously tinted fluid around her glass and took a deep inhale.

This was like the opening chords to _O Furtuna_ \- dark, bold, perhaps foreboding. The sip conquered her taste buds, saturating every bit in sundried dark acai and rich chewy chocolate. A Tempranillo? No. No, different. She imagined a dark, gleaming black bull, pushing air out through it nostrils, body giving an irritated shake in the beating sun. Juicy red currants and just a hint of peppercorn. A Bobal. Yes. That was it.   

Impressed, Amilyn clapped her hands.

“Spectacular, Rey,” she laughed, delighted. For the third time now, she shared a look with Luke, who raised his eyebrows, nodding, also looking impressed.

Hardly able to control her grin, Amilyn leaned forward.

“Rey, I have been thinking about considerably expanding our wine selection. Really, really delving into an untapped market of exclusive selections, possibly even doubling our wine cellar.”

Surprised, yet excited by this, Rey nodded eagerly. “That sounds like an excellent idea! I would love to help out if you are looking for someone to help with your selections.”

Amilyn’s grin broadened.

“I was hoping you would say that…”

Beside her, Rose hiccupped, pulling her out of her own daydream.

“Let’s watch _The Notebook_ ,” she whined with a sniff.

 _“No!”_ All three of the others responded in unison.

“How about _Love Actually_?”

“Literally everyone is a shithead in that movie. Why do people like it?” Poe questioned, not really to anyone in particular, mostly to himself.

Rose pouted, grabbing the champagne bottle beside her and brought it to her mouth with a frown.

“Fine,” she smacked her lips, swiping the back of her wrist across her mouth. “Nightmare on Elm Street.”

“Much better,” Poe conceded, standing and offering his hand to Rose to pull her up from where she was seated at the table. “I think a little Freddy Kruger and a disco nap is exactly what this day calls for.”  

They gathered in Rose’s living room. Poe sat on one end of the couch, Rose’s sleepy head resting in his lap. Finn flopped into an overstuffed bean bag that Rose had bought on Amazon a few years ago, while Rey opted for the floor, resting her back against the arm of the couch, opposite of Poe.

With the excitement of the weekend and her unexpected reunion with Ben, she had entirely forgotten about the offer they had extended to her.

Private Sommelier training with Luke himself. Three, maybe four full weeks, at his very own Michelin star restaurant in New York.

Rey had shaken her head, completely and totally in shock.

“We will be needing a resident Sommelier. I really couldn’t think of a better person,” Amilyn was giving her that smile again, eyes alight with pride.

Rey gasped, flattered. “I- I’m so humbled,” she pressed her hands to her cheeks in an attempt to cool them down. “Wow.”

“Take a few days, think it over,” Luke offered her, his blue eyes holding a hint of a sparkle.    

Rey had never been one to seek out a position of authority. Perhaps a little scared or intimidated by the potential of failure. She had spent a lot of time in her life hiding from the spotlight. Unwilling to be noticed, not wanting the attention. Now, she had the option of stepping into the limelight, truly making her talents known. It was a scary, intimidating thing to her.

Behind her, Rose started to snore slightly.

“The beast rests,” Poe joked quietly, patting Rose’s soft black locks.

“She looks so innocent like that,” Finn remarked from his spot across the room. “Like Cerberus after a nice long walk.”

Rey snorted, taking a sip of her mimosa.

“You know she is going to end up living in the mother-in-law apartment above our garage, right?” Poe questioned to Finn.

Finn sighed heavily. “Yeah, we’re gonna come down on Sunday mornings and find her sitting at our kitchen table, fork and knife already in hand, demanding pancakes.”

A warm and soft smile stretched across Poe’s face, “We’re gonna have to make sure she doesn’t teach our kids all the worst swear words, but at least she’ll be around to watch the cat when we go on vacation.”

Rey laughed, “Yeah, right. She’s coming with you. I’ll have to watch the cat.” They all chuckled. This was fun, fantasizing about a happy little future for all of them.

Poe hummed, still slipping his fingers gingerly through Rose’s dark hair. “You and Ben can buy the house next door. We’ll split Rose duty. We’ll grill on our back porch and cool off in your pool all summer.”

Rey grinned, shifting herself into a crossed-legged position. “Oh, we have a pool, huh?”

Finn nodded in agreement. “Of course, Benjamin’s got that Master Chef money now. It’ll be inground. With a slide, a hot tub, and everything,” he waved his hand about.

Rey chuckled, and for a moment, allowed herself the brief vision of her and Rose, lounging in bathing suits by the pool. Ben manning the grill in an obnoxious “Kiss the Chef” apron, while Finn and Poe darted around the yard, chasing happily shrieking children. Her heart flooded. Could that really happen? Would the universe allow her to be cradled in such comforting joy?

In a fleeting moment, she wished for it. Very much wanting something similar for herself, for all of them.

 

                                                                                                        * * *

 

Ben crashed into his apartment feeling nearly detached from his body. He didn’t even bother stopping anywhere else, heading straight for his bedroom and collapsing onto his bed with a heavy thud.

He sighed into his pillow, rolling his face to the side and pulling his phone from his back pocket.

 

**REY: Hope your day wasn’t too painful. I feel bad that you didn’t get much sleep.**

 

He smiled at his phone. He already missed her. A nearly two-year void, filled and flooded over in a matter of hours. Now here they were, offering a hand to each other, attempting to move forward into this unexplored territory together.

They could do this. They could figure this out. They had to.

 

**BEN: It was pretty excruciating but worth it**

**BEN: I missed you so much**

**BEN: I shouldn’t wish my life away, but I can’t wait for the next two months to be done with and I can be back with you**

 

Was he being too sappy? Fuck it. He wasn’t going to hide from it anymore.

 

**REY: I know. I feel it too**

**REY: Sad news, Rose and her boyfriend broke up.**

 

Ben frowned. That was odd. They seemed fine enough last night.

 

**BEN: That’s too bad. Seemed like a nice enough guy.**

**BEN: How is she taking it?**

 

**:NEW PICTURE MESSAGE FROM REY:**

 

He opened it to see an action shot of Rose and Poe playing fighting in Rose’s kitchen, both in karate stances. Ben laughed.

 

**REY: She’s been drunk all day. It’s been... interesting**

**REY: She’s pretty excited about REYLO though**

 

Ben frowned.

 

**BEN: What the heck is a reylo?**

**REY: Another story, for another time**

**REY: Get some rest. I love you**

**REY: I will see you in September 😊**

**BEN: I love you too. I will text you when my flight leaves**

 

Ben switched off his phone, resting it on his chest with a satisfied smile stretched across his face as he quickly drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're gonna fluff it up a little bit for you guys. I think we've all earned it.
> 
> Rey is finally headed to New York, ya'll! Personally inspired by my own pilgrimage to see Mr. Driver on Broadway. I hadn't been to NYC in a couple of years, so I needed to go there and remember what it was like. Totally research-based, obviously... 
> 
> I am on Twitter spewing brain farts onto the internet @UnderCancerMoon


	14. Falling Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Separation, angry water buffalo, Emmy nominations, innocent snooping, nudist party, body worship, smut.
> 
> “And I'm like falling water, set me free  
> You were like falling water coming down on me  
> I never loved you fully in the way I could  
> I fought the current running just the way you would  
> And now I'm in the creek  
> I never gave you everything, I wish I could  
> I should've seen it coming from where you stood  
> But now I'm in the creek  
> And it's getting harder  
> I am like falling water”
> 
> -Maggie Rogers  
> [Falling Water](https://youtu.be/bR1d8l92Q8Q)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, the honeymoon-period is nice, isn't it?
> 
> Thank God [JenfysNest](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenfysNest) knows how to spell "skewered" because otherwise, things could have been really embarrassing for me.
> 
>  

Time is a funny thing when you have something to look forward to. Especially when the date seems like it is so far away from you the day will never come. 

Rey had experienced this with her time in school. First, during her year 13 in England. While everyone else around her was planning their gap year, she was squirreling away as much money as possible for a one-way plane ticket. She had made up her mind, bedamned culture shock and the fact that she had never even had a single visit to the United States. 

She was going. 

Her entire life fit into a small, rolling suitcase. It seemed as if one day she blew out the candle on her 16th birthday cupcake (the home only provided store bought cupcakes, which were fine, perhaps a little too sugary), making her wish to move, and the next moment she was standing at the exit of the airport, frozen like a scared bunny.

But she had made it, hadn’t she? Found an ad seeking a roommate, got a shitty job working in a movie theater and stocking shelves at night. She enrolled herself in a Community college, unsure if she could afford the bigger state school that also existed in the landscape that was Hanna City. Eventually, she found the right loans, applied for a grant or two and managed to transfer and graduate from that state school. That also seemed like an impossibly endless journey, but now it was already years behind her.

So knowing that it would be an entire two months before she would be in the same time zone as Ben again, she busied herself with a pleasant, everyday existence.  

The first thing she took care of was accepting the offer that Amilyn and Luke had extended to her. Of course, Amilyn was absolutely delighted. She clapped her hands together and gave Rey a happy little sound of delight. 

“I am so excited to get this project started with you, Rey,” she told her.

Hesitantly, Rey brought up the only thing that was bothering her about the situation.

“Exactly when would I be going down to New York for my training?” 

Amilyn had smiled at her, head cocked to the side. “I suppose that’s up to you dear. I would like to get the wine list solidified by the holidays, at the latest. And of course, we will have to find someone to cover your shifts for those weeks that you are away,” she lifted her shoulder with a lighthearted shrug. “We’ll have to sync schedules with Luke, but he has nearly retired anyway and offered his time as a way to honor his sister’s legacy.”

Rey was relieved. She nodded, smiling, her excitement about this growing more rapidly than before.

They had made arrangements, agreeing on a date at the close of Summer. Tourist season would be winding down at the restaurant and it gave Luke time to dig through his old course material from his own sommelier training. 

Rey hadn’t said it out loud, but she was purposely plotting this trip specifically around when Ben would be back home. She wouldn’t share that with Amilyn or Luke, but obviously, she wanted to sync her time there with when he would be around. 

There would be a brief period, only a week and a day, where he would still be traveling. It wasn’t perfect, but she would take it.

From there, time flowed as it usually did. Their Monday dinner night was easy this month, opting for handmade cauliflower pizza made by Finn, which was nowhere near as disappointing as Rey had anticipated. Rose moved on from her break up from Matt at a swift pace, dumping a box of “his shit” (Rose’s words, not hers) on his doorstep and never looking back. She started running with Rey for a little while but complained and whined the whole time, which eventually led to them just walking and having some pretty meaningful conversations. Out of the blue one day, Poe announced that he was going to be getting his real estate license, which they all supported enthusiastically. It was nearly impossible for her to contain her grin when she and Finn closed the restaurant together the night before he was going for his weekend away with Poe.

“I only have time for one glass,” he warned her as they cheered their wines.

She nodded in agreement. “Are you excited?”

He nodded too with a small smile. “I’ve never taken an actual vacation before. Even a weekend.” 

She had smiled as well because neither had she and she was so happy for him. They hugged before he left and she told him to have all of the fun.

He came back home with a fiance.

In between all of that, there were text messages, phone calls, and video chats with Ben. They were doing their best, and so far, it was working.

 

                                                                                                            ***

 

Ben stood in a lush green rice field, up to his ankles in water and thankful for the waders on his feet. He was interviewing the crop farmer through a translator, the farmer walking him through the back-breaking routine of harvesting his crops. 

In a transcendent moment, Ben thanked the universe for a chance to experience this life.

He was nearing the end of his time in China. Overall, this trip had been a pleasant and smooth one with the exception of an unfortunate incident with a raging water buffalo. The animal was not a fan of Ben, charging and posturing, digging at the earth with its hooved feet, swinging its horns about. It took several of the field workers to move the beast away and it wasn’t until everything had settled down before Ben realized how goddamn terrifying the whole incident had been. The field workers couldn’t stop talking about it and for the rest of his time there, he was the American celebrity who almost got skewered by a buffalo. He imagined a full-length facial scar probably wouldn’t be helpful to his television career.     

He was truly lucky. Not really one to overthink too much when it came to the powers-that-be, that incident made him take a step back and look at the course of his life over the last few years in awe. 

And now, he could add Rey to the list of amazing things he had to be grateful for.

When he first arrived, Ben hadn’t been able to call Rey for nearly three days of travel. Between his excruciatingly long flights and her work schedule, it wasn’t until technically his fourth day, with the time difference, that he stood in his hotel room at noon, knowing she would be finished with her shift if he called her.

“Well, hello there,” she answered. He could hear her grin through the phone.

“Hello Sweetheart, how was your night?”

She ‘psshed’ on the line. “Who cares? How is China?”

He laughed at her enthusiasm, taking a seat on his balcony that overlooked a set of towering twin pagodas. Stretching behind that, lush and jutting mountains that faded off into the mists of a white and blue sky. It was truly breathtaking. 

“I’ve only really experienced the inside of vehicles and my hotel view so far, but it is pretty phenomenal.”

“Send me lots of pictures! I can’t imagine how beautiful it is,” she said with a hint of wistfulness in her tone.

He realized then that it was most likely that Rey had not really had the chance to see a lot in her life. From foster homes in the UK to being young and finding ways to make things work in her early 20s in the States, trips to anywhere were probably a rare, or perhaps even impossible thing. He vowed to himself that someday he would bring her somewhere with him.  

“Hey, um, I have a favor to ask of you and… well, if it’s too weird or too much, you can always tell me no.” She sounded nervous, which he thought was a little cute, even after all their time as friends and their recent reconciliation. What kind of favor could she ask of him that he wouldn’t possibly do for her? He couldn’t think of a single thing.

“Of course, what do you need?”

She took a deep breath. “I got an offer from Amilyn for a promotion,” she continued, which made him smile. During their brief catch up at the fundraiser, Amilyn had mentioned some of her bigger ideas for the restaurant moving forward. On paper, the restaurant was his, in reality, it was all Amilyn Holdo’s. The expansion of the wine program was one of the ideas she had mentioned and naturally, Rey would be the best fit.

“Congratulations” he told her, happy for Amilyn’s decision and for Rey’s to accept it.

“Thank you, it - I’m quite nervous about it really. It’s going to be a lot of work, a lot of training beforehand and continually afterward - if I’m going to be any _good_ at it.”

“You will be,” he assured her, softly. “All you need is the right teacher.”

Rey laughed. “Interestingly enough, I’m going to be training with your uncle Luke.”

An ice-cold chill had flushed through Ben’s veins. His uncle Luke. That would only make sense after all. Luke was a Master Sommelier, he would be the best person to train her. He had never shared his feelings about his uncle with Rey, never seeing the need to bring unnecessary detail to a man he neither cared for nor planned on seeing again after his mother's passing.

“I’ll be in New York for a couple of weeks - ” his heart had sunk. After all this time, she was finally going to be in New York, and he was going to be here. It figured.    

“You can stay at my place,” he offered in a rush. Of course. That was the only thing that made sense really. It would be stupid to even entertain the idea of her staying anywhere else. “It’s nothing special, pretty much a closet, but it’s been good to me in my time there. Decent location. I’ll have my super leave a set of keys for you at the front desk.”

“Oh, okay… um, well that’s the thing,” again, the nervous edge returned to her voice. “I won’t be needing to go there until the last week of August…”

Ben quieted, his head quickly spinning as if he were flipping through a calendar in front of him. 

He returned on September 2nd, with a full three days of rest to properly recover before returning to work.

Excitement peaked in him when he finally understood her hesitation.

“I can’t wait to show you the city, Sweetheart,” he grinned.

“You don’t think it might be too much, too soon?” This girl, did she ever stop? Did she honestly still not know the excitement it gave him just _knowing_ she’d be in his city, his apartment, even when he thought _he_ wasn’t going to be there? Now they would both be there, together. Together, for real, for the first time ever.

He reassured her it wouldn’t be, and promised to make the arrangements. She would be there a week and a day before he returned, and then they could have the rest of the time together. It wasn’t perfect, but he would take it.

He had hung up the phone and was pretty sure he was at risk of floating off the balcony. Rey, his girl, was finally coming to New York. Not just for a visit, but for a stay. 

Then a sense of nervous paranoia had crept over him. Exactly how had he left his apartment anyway? There was definitely no food there. Should he have the fridge stocked, or would she want to go out to eat? Should he leave her a prepaid credit card? She’d _hate_ that, but whatever. Did he leave his dirty boxers on the floor in the bathroom? When was the last time he cleaned his bathtub? _Shit,_ did he put his old journals away? He should definitely have flowers there for her, right? Maybe a balloon? _No, not a balloon, dipshit, that’s too much._

“How the fuck am I supposed to do this half-way across the world?” he asked the forest and mountains stretched before him.

He couldn’t, but he knew who could.

Per usual, Kaydel answered the phone before the second ring.

Ben smiled to himself, and now, after eating in all of the best places Guilin and Longsheng, meeting locals and learning about the way of life and food culture here, it was only a matter of days before he would walk into his apartment and she would just _be_ there.

“He wants to know if you buy your clothing from a store or if you have to have it specially made,” the translator asked, interrupting his thoughts.

Ben laughed, “No, I buy them in the store.”

The translator replied and the farmer nodded, his straw hat bobbing, as he reached up high above his head, standing on his toes, obviously making a statement about how tall Ben was. The man held his arms out to his sides, as if he were carrying two invisible suitcases under them. He nodded enthusiastically, and pointed to Ben, then folded his arms, watching the translator retell his words.

“You are so big and dressed in black, the water buffalo probably thought you were another buffalo here to steal his girlfriend.”

Ben couldn’t help but erupt into laughter over this, as did the farmer and the translator. The camera crew around them also joined it. It was genuine moments like this that had _World View_ up for an Emmy nomination.   

 

                                                                                                              ***

 

Rey had never been on a subway train before. Never been in a city as big as New York. Finn had dropped her off at a station two hours outside of the city with a kiss on the cheek and a command that she have a good time. 

Well, he had actually said “Go get that Big Sexy dick energy, Sis” - but it was basically the same thing.

She had a connecting train to catch in Grand Central, nearly tipping over in the lobby as she craned her head back to look at the constellations on the teal, arched ceiling.

There were people _everywhere_ , and she remembered briefly, that being a big point of contention for Ben in his first few months down there.

She found her connecting train but had to use her phone to navigate her way to Ben’s building. 

In the lobby, she checked in with the front desk clerk (which seemed so weird to her, as if she were checking into a hotel) providing her identification and signing off on some paperwork before being handed over keys.

In the elevator, she pressed the small, silver set to her chest and smiled. They were a token of sorts, of how far they had come.

When she swung the door open to Ben’s apartment, she hesitated in the hallway. It was odd experiencing someone’s living space without them. She was now getting to see a side of Ben’s life she had no prior connection to. A whole other existence separate from his life at home. 

She stepped inside, closing the door behind her. It was quiet - ambient city noise muffled in the distance. To either side of her were the white walls of the hallway, bare besides some coat hooks and not particularly welcoming, opening up to a small kitchen and counter at the end. Rey saw a blooming flower arrangement and smiled.   

At the end of the hall on the left, the apartment opened out to a small living room area, very basically decorated. Television on a stand, coffee table with a couple of hardcover books, a lamp off by the window. Much like with his old apartment, Ben led a minimalist lifestyle. She imagined he probably didn’t spend a considerable amount of time here. The crowning glory of the room was definitely the plush but sleek black leather couch that Rey immediately threw herself onto, sinking into its soft buttery cushions for a moment of rest.

But then she was up again, switching on the light to the small, white tiled bathroom, then perusing the cabinets in the kitchen - that was truthfully more like a kitchenette. Even the appliances seemed so small, especially compared to her own apartment, where the long kitchen island was the center focus of the entire space. A simple granite counter, accompanied by two stools, split the space between the kitchen, living room, and the doorway that had to have led to the bedroom. She moved around it, coming to stand on the threshold of his dark room.

She clicked the light on and once again smiled. Minimalist to a fault. 

A big comfortable bed that took up most of the room, a nightstand that also acted as a bookshelf, and on top of that a lamp. That was it. 

Rey crouched beside the stand, fingers reaching to skim over the spines of the titles facing out.

Behind the other side of the bed was a closet, surprisingly bigger than she expected, neatly organized with rows of suits and shoes on one side, jeans, button-down shirts, and more black t-shirts than the G.A.P. probably stocked, on the other. 

She moved to another doorway past the foot of the bed. She snapped on the light and a huge grin broke out across her face.

Now, this room - this room was Ben.

Small in its size, it housed a desk, a chair, another small bookshelf, and a tall filing cabinet. But scattered across the furniture were notebooks, scraps of paper with scrawled ideas, drawings, and doodles, ink splatters, photographs - some framed, some loose - magazines and books stacked up. A little hidden corner of chaos in an otherwise organized living space, but an open window to the private world of Ben Solo. 

She picked up a framed photo of the five of them, smiling up from their margaritas around the table, on the day of her graduation. She allowed herself to get lost in the memory of that night, Ben’s karaoke song, Rose pointing out how in love they were, the multitude of sexual exploits that followed when they were alone. It was the first time she allowed herself to admit that she was really in love with him.

She put the photo down, spotting a few more around the room. 

Ben and Rose, quite old, from before she even knew them. They looked like babies. Ben was stern-faced, eyes rolled, black hair bowled-cult. Rose cheekily peeked over his head, giving him moose antlers with her hands. It looked like it may have been from a staff Christmas party. 

The three boys, mid-laugh, in the warmth of a bonfire barely visible in the corner of the frame. This was from the staff appreciation party at Ben’s family cabin. She remembered Rose taking it when they weren’t paying attention. The night of her and Ben’s first kiss, and the night she crawled into bed beside him, finally giving in to the temptation they both so desperately struggled with.  

There was a black and white photo of a girl sitting in a windowsill, large pages spread out across her lap. It was backlit, so it took Rey a moment to recognize herself. She snatched up the framed picture, her heart and mind racing. Had he taken this? When was it? Her eyes floated over the image, the subject - herself - completely unaware, arms wrapped around bent knees, arms and shoulders bare, attention focused on what she was reading. 

She was flattered beyond words, a blush prickling up to warm her cheeks. She wondered how long he had had this framed?

There were other small stacks of photos, mostly landscapes from his trips. Pictures of people and meals. 

Her fingers drifted across the items on the desk, resting on the open pages of a spiral bound notebook. A rough sketch of a landscape, in black ink, a few lines of notes off in the corner in Ben’s impeccable handwriting. She pinched and lifted the previous page, pulling it back.

Her eyes skimmed a poem about watching the sunset alone after your love has left your side.

Rey zipped her hand back from the page, coming to the embarrassing realization that what she was doing right now was snooping. She left the room without touching anything else, switching off the light and resolving that she would not return to it until Ben was back.

      

                                                                                                            *** 

 

Twenty-two hours, if you included the chauffeur ride, which he always did. Twenty-two hours of traveling and catching whatever sleep he could steal on the plane, that led to him standing on the outside of his apartment door, ready to push it open and come home to the woman he loved. 

Who loved him.

They managed to make it work. Sometimes just a few little messages, sometimes short phone calls that could only last a minute or two. But it was enough to get them both by. Despite having not seen her for a span that lasted almost two years, these last two months somehow seemed to stretch longer for him. Because now he knew. He knew she was there, waiting for him and it made the want to be back with her that much more intense.

He unlocked the door and he grinned to himself. He could hear her inside clattering pots and pans, humming along while she cooked dinner. 

He had messaged her as soon as he landed, giving her fair warning that he was on his way. He was practically vibrating with anticipation for seeing her again.

His Rey. Finally. They had stood before each other and laid it all bare. Choked out fears, then calmed and hushed and caressed each other into the night until it was time for him to go. A hopeful and promising departure, not focused on the time apart, but instead, what was going to happen when they were brought back together.

For the second time in his adult life, Ben felt like he was floating. Completely high and blissed out, ready to spend the next few weeks entangled with the one woman in the world he wanted to be with most.

The lock on his apartment door gave way easily, and he pushed it open to find her standing in the kitchen.

She wore a bright smile and a red apron. Nothing else.

“Welcome home!” she chirped, holding a rubber spatula in the air.

Ben grinned widely in the doorway, shutting the door behind him and dropping his bag to the floor. Shucking off his coat, he hung it on one of the hangers by the door and made his way down the hall. He rounded the counter, his head cocked to the side, playfully inspecting those toned bare legs and the peachy-plump exposed bottom attached to them.

With the tiniest of smirks, she bent in half, giving him a full view, opening the oven for a look inside.

“No peeking,” she chastised, over her shoulder. “This was supposed to be a surprise. You _completely_ caught me off guard. I’m afraid dinner won’t be ready for another hour or two.” It was a good thing she never decided to pursue that acting career she dreamed of as a teenager because she could barely keep the grin off her face.

Ben chuffed out a laugh and nodded.

Still a little witch, even after all this time.

“Alright, well, I’m going to clean up real quick, I’ll be back,” he passed her, placing an innocent kiss on the crown of her head, careful not to touch her anywhere else. He disappeared into the bathroom without seeing her response.

Once inside, he diligently stripped out of his clothes and took the fastest shower of his lifetime.

As he toweled himself off it was obvious Stanley was already eager to get this little nudist party started.

“Calm down, buddy,” he said, then laughed at himself. One, because he was talking to his own dick and two, because he couldn’t wait to see her reaction.

He strode out of the bathroom, naked as the day he was born, pausing in the doorway to give a big, reaching stretch overhead.

“Uuhhh!” he moaned out, dropping his arms to his sides, before very pointedly resting them on his hips, which were slightly jutted out. “It feels really good to just relax for a little bit, you know?”

Rey sucked her lips into her mouth, clearly a desperate attempt to stop herself from completely bursting out with laughter. Nodding, her eyes traced down his body, from head to toe. A smile twisted, fighting to bloom onto her mouth, but she held it back.

She looked down to the stovetop, stirring at something.

“I know,” her voice was light, happy, tingling like a little bell. “It’s really great we managed to work out my living arrangements while I’m here,” she gave a small, pouty frown. “Hotels are the worst.”

He moved to the counter, lazily resting his hip against it, trying to casually display himself in all his glory before her. He had recently bumped up his workout game so he knew what he was working with.

“Mmm,” he nodded in agreement, rubbing a hand across the lower part of his stomach, slowly.

She watched from the corner of her eye, finally cracking and giving way to joyous laughter.

Casually, he sauntered behind her, slipping Stanley - who was more than delighted, between the soft cheeks of her derriere. He looked over her shoulder with a hum, gently ghosting his fingers below the apron and up her waist. He caught her breasts in his hands, feeling her nipples become hard little stones pressing against his palms. He kneaded them with a few, firm circular massages, as her head dropped back onto his chest with a relaxed sigh.

One hand moved to drift down her spine before pulling out the bow in the apron string. It then glided over her hip bone, snaking onto the flat plane of her stomach.

She moaned with a chuckle.

“Aren’t you exhausted from traveling?” she asked him in a breathy whisper as his hand moved further down, fingers finally slipping into the warmth between the lips of her sex. Her hand reached back, combing fingers into his hair.

“Completely.” He pulled the apron collar over her head, tossing the fabric aside, finally leaving her bare before him. “Let’s go to bed,” he whispered in her ear, before giving it a slight nip.

She spun in his arms, her lips crushing against his, her mouth warm and writhing. He kissed her like he hadn’t seen her in years. Like he had just been to China and back.

He lifted her up by the waist, her legs locking around him as he cradled her neck in his hands, walking her backward to the bedroom. He deposited them onto the bed without bothering to turn on the light. The warm afternoon sun lit the room with golden-hued warmth. 

He broke from her, cradling her face in his hand, his thumb gently stroking the soft skin beside the corner of her mouth. She smiled fondly back at him. His eyes drifted to her bare shoulder.

 

                                                                                                              ***   

 

“This is my favorite freckle,” he said, suddenly. He looked to her shoulder, thoughtfully circling the small discolored dot of skin.

The randomness of it made her laugh out loud.

“Hmm, okay. Why?” 

“It’s darker than the others and… it kinda looks like a tiny heart.” His hair tickled her as he leaned down and covered it with a kiss. “I have others I like, but this one is definitely my favorite.”

She had to giggle at that because it was so absurd, but also so intimate. 

“I like this one,” she gently reached up and stroked the mole above his right lip, perfectly placed above the corner of his lips and beside the curve of his nostril. She had never really given much thought to it before, but she was certain this was the favorite out of all of his marks.

He smiled with an amused huff. “I was so self-conscious of them growing up, and these damn ears,” he rolled his eyes to acknowledge them as well, with a backward tilt of his head.

Rey gasped, reaching up on either side of his face to gently twist their softness between her fingertips and thumbs. “I love your ears,” she whispered and could feel them growing warmer beneath her touch. 

Ben dropped his head to her chest, flattening his tongue and leaving a wet stripe against her collar bone. Rey shuddered beneath him, immediately feeling her nipples tighten and harden up again, straining and envious for his attention. He kissed a wet and heavy trail along the ball of her shoulder, then lifted her arm and did an exaggerated Pepe Le Pew impersonation all the way down to her fingertips.

Rey laughed, despite the increasingly pressing desire building within her. He paused on his shift across her body to give her a kiss on the mouth, before trailing down her neck, across the opposite collarbone, and down her other arm to the tips of her fingers.

He moved back over her, his mouth landing in the center of her chest, between her breasts. He positioned himself lower, leaning on his elbow as his fingers danced across her pebbled skin, alight with provocation and pleasure.

“These,” he told her softly, referring to her breasts before him. His fingers cupped under one, giving it a gentle but firm squeeze. “These are what dreams are made of.” His mouth lowered, landing below the nipple at the swell. He bathed it in wide, wet, and warm swallowing kisses, avoiding the sensitive aching tips completely.

“They’re small,” she panted quietly. She closed her eyes momentarily, remembering years of self-body shaming and embarrassment, currently being washed away, centimeter by centimeter. Rey melted into the mattress, absorbing every sensation, soaking in the feeling of his tongue, lips, and teeth as they worshipped her body. She encouraged him on with breathy sighs and small whines as he continued.

“They’re perfect,” he assured her, finally sucking the bud into his mouth, swirling it with his tongue before taking it between his teeth with a gentle tug.

Rey gasped and trembled. She was soaked, the lower half of her body now begging for his attention. 

But he still needed to repeat the process on the other side of her body, which he did with painstaking attention. Moving gulping kisses, nips and flat licks where he deemed necessary.

By the time he reached her navel, she was dripping and wriggling, unable to stifle her desire for him any longer. He had shifted down the bed, nearly half of him off the edge as his fingers traced the sensitive skin between her belly button and her sex. She was sure he was finally ready to succumb to the fevered anticipation that hung in the room too, but instead his path led to her hip bone, the flesh beside it slightly concave. He buried his nose into the gentle divet, before trailing his tongue over the soft ridge of flesh covered bone. He ended his exploration with a careful bite, teeth just barely gripping the soft skin.

Rey’s core tightened as she rocked gently, encouraging him to move back towards her center. He grinned against her skin, shifting further down, making his way to the top of her thigh.     

“Every time I see you in a dress, I think about what it would be like to put my hands on these beautiful things and rip your panties down them.”

This made her flush, it was something she has fantasized about herself. Ben beneath the fabric of any one of her dresses, mouth, and fingers working, her crying out above him. Sometimes it was in a bed or against a wall, a few times she imagined it right on a table in the middle of the restaurant dining room. 

Ben’s fingers dug into the firm meat gently, before slipping down to cup the back of her calf. He gave her leg a slight twist, exposing the inside of her thigh to him. 

Rey pushed up slightly, once again enticing him to move towards her middle, but instead, he lowered his head to the hollowed crook between her slit and thigh, giving it a hearty swipe from his tongue.

With a moan, Rey dug her fingers into his hair, gently trying to guide him to her needy, swollen heat. Ben turned his face to the inside of her tender thigh, taking another more forcible bite to this skin, as a warning. Rey let out a slightly frustrated cry, her impatience was getting the better of her. She was greedy and she wanted him now. She was ready and what had once seemed like adoration, now felt like torture.

He held her ankle, kneeling beside the bed, kissing from the top of her knee, all the way down to the tendons at the top of her foot.

Once again he came to rest between her thighs kissing the tender skin below her navel. His mouth nearly searing her from her heightened level of need.

“Oh my God, _Ben Solo_ if you don’t put your face in my cunt right now I _swear_ I will kick you _right in the face!”_ Rey keened, unable to control her frustration any longer.

“Buttercup,” he joked. 

Ben pulled her forward, gripping her under and around her thighs, scooting her closer to him. “I had a plan on saving the best for last, but I will forgo it for you” he murmured, finally lowering his head and bringing the attention of his mouth to where she desperately needed it. 

Rey widened her legs watching as his head bobbed slightly with each stroke to her, each broad press into the most imitate part of her. Already, hot streaks of pleasure were zipping up her body. She felt the rub of his nose against her clit as he worked to further soak her folds. Then his tongue ran the length of her, landing on the tender thing with brutal force. A scream escaped from Rey’s lips before she could stop it - fevered and untamed.

She fell apart against his mouth, gushing and pulsing as the euphoria took her body.

Ben pushed two fingers inside of her and they slid in effortlessly, immediately slick as her insides clenched and trembled around them.

“How many do you want?” he gasped against her, fingers immediately working to keep this high to an enraptured level.

“One more,” she panted out, deliriously. “One more and then I want to be on top of you.”

This was obviously fine with him because he attacked her clit again and it was a matter of mere moments before the ripples of unadulterated physical joy burst throughout her body.

 

                                                                                                              ***

 

It was hard for Ben to break away from her when she was like this. Open and shaking legs spread wide for the most delectable regale before him. He had traveled to many parts of the world, tried nearly every flavor imaginable to man and this, right before him, would be the only thing he would choose to savor daily. 

He couldn’t help himself, pressing one last kiss before he left. 

“Thank you, Sheila,” he kidded with a whisper. He paused for a few scattered kisses up her body, before rolling onto his back and pulling her on top of him. Her movements still quivered slightly, so he gave her a moment to situate herself. It didn’t take long, it never did for her.

With one hand steadying herself on his chest, her pupils blown and black, she gripped him firmly, gently sinking down onto him with the softest of gasps.

Ben fought the urge to close his eyes and let his head fall back onto the bed as he experienced one of the most blissful feelings in the world. Being inside of Rey. Feeling the pliable push of his body into hers. There were times when he would rush through it, but here and now, he was able to appreciate the intoxicating sensation of himself moving deeper inside her.

Fully seated on him, she began to rock, bringing herself up and him slightly out of her with each slow and deliberate stroke. His hands drifted to her thighs, so lithe looking, but so powerful when it came to her control on top of him.

Eagerly, he pressed his own hips up, encouraging her to quicken her pace. She leaned forward, pushing her hand harder on his chest, jutting back her pelvis until he threatened to slip out of her completely.

“Oh no,” she grinned down at him, before lowering her head to kiss along the plain of his pectoral. She eased him back into her a little, the slow drag on his sensitive skin not nearly enough. “This is a hostage situation now, Solo.” Then he was threatening to slip out again as she leaned forward, gripping his chin and applying a rough kiss to his mouth. 

Ben groaned as she pressed down again, her sheathing him halfway. Between the tease of her sweet pussy and the greediness of her mouth, he wanted nothing more than to grab her hips and power himself inside her. 

“An evil sorceress still,” he teased, pushing out a pleasured breath as she let him fill her once again. 

She pushed back on his chest, rising up from him in her full glory. He had seen her, every bit of her, counted every freckle, knew every scar and mole. But this, this was a vision before him unlike anything else. Body slightly sheened with sweat, hair softly waved and loose around that perfect face, those flushed lips slightly parted. 

She seated him like a goddess, her back arched, her breasts pushed up and out. She rode him and he watched with awe as she managed to build his pleasure as well as her own. She was Venus rising from her half-shell, Freyja in her chariot, Rati - having the power to resurrect him from the dead.

“Shit,” she spat suddenly, her pace haven quickened on its own. “I’m going to come again.”

Not willing to tamper down his own impending climax any longer, Ben sat up, cuffing her around the neck as he kissed her, thrusting up into her with a passionate and desperate need. Yes, she was a goddess, and he was an eternally devoted and sightless worshiper who would follow her anywhere, even into the mouth of a volcano.  

He yelled out as he came, kissing along the base of her neck as she fluttered and sobbed above him. Her arms hugged around his shoulders as she slowly came to rest, her lungs gasping for a solid breath under his ear, his head resting on her chest.

She moaned, leaning backward, as he looked up at her soft and appreciating face. She brushed back the hair from his face with one hand, while the other held his jaw in her palm. She looked just as mesmerized as him, studying his face in that way that she does sometimes.

Lowering her mouth, she kissed him again and whispered.

“I’m glad you’re back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am low-key obsessed with Maggie Rogers currently. [Falling Water](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bR1d8l92Q8Q) has been on repeat for DAYS!
> 
> @UnderCancerMoon on Twitter


	15. Little Flaws

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Having perfected our disguise, we spend our lives searching for someone we don't fool"- Robert Brault
> 
> “ ‘Cause it’s all that I want to do, to love you  
> To witness together how buzzing we are  
> How candied, how calcified  
> How mesmerizing, how small  
> To share in the cosmic joke  
> To fall to a thousand floors and laugh til we’re sore  
> To take out and sort through the strange things we do  
> Baby you’ve got little flaws just like me  
> You try to be hard, but I know you’re a softie”  
> \- [Lady Lamb](https://youtu.be/8XtDnmRHfjs)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big shout out to [JenfysNest](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenfysNest/pseuds/JenfysNest) for making me cackle like a witch at 2 am when I read her edit comments. Best Beta ever.
> 
>  

For the first time in her entire life, mornings were actually Rey’s favorite. 

They had fallen into a domesticated routine quickly. Ben, usually committed to a regimented workout schedule, instead opted for sleeping in during her time there. Choosing to hit the snooze button on his phone, pulling her close and cradling her in his arms, over making them any thicker. 

He would usually rise first, making coffee and setting up whatever they were going to have for breakfast. Rey would drag herself up behind him, make the bed and then join him, taking a seat at his kitchen counter where he would hand her off a steaming hot cup of caffeine. They would discuss their plans for the day in the soft glow of the morning sun, relaxed and happy in each others company.

Adjusting to his lifestyle proved to be a bit of a challenge for Rey, though.

On one of their first mornings together, Rey was beneath him on his couch, the soft buttery leather warm on her back. 

Somehow, coffee, eggs and freshly cut berries led to him feeding her a strawberry, which led to licked and sucked fingers, and well - the next thing she knew was spread wide, Ben burrowed deep inside her as one of her heels hooked into the crook of his buttocks. He leisurely rutted into her while lapping sloppy, adoring kisses over one of her breasts.

She arched against him, shamelessly groaning his name, arms raised up above her head. She could feel the heat inside her heighten as she tipped her head back and let out a few fevered pants.

They hadn’t heard the door or the heeled footsteps as they came down the hallway.

 _“Please_ tell me you didn’t forget we had an interview with NPR this morning!”

Rey had screamed from shock as a woman just _appeared_ at the entrance to Ben’s living room, clutching a smartphone in one hand, holding up a garment bag in the other, an annoyed look on her face. 

Rey’s arms flew to her chest while she practically hyperventilated, attempting to make herself small, which was impossible with an enormous man between her legs and still inside of her.

“Jesus _Christ_ , Kaydel! You couldn’t fucking _knock_?” Ben yelled, gesturing to her in disbelief.

“Well, what the _fuck_ , I never knock! You never have company, I just assumed you were watching porn!”

_“And you came in anyway?”_

“Oh my god,” Rey groaned, one arm covering her exposed chest, the other now rising to shield her face. Ben had made no attempt to move from her.

“It’s not my job to judge your extracurricular activities, it’s my job to get you to places on time!” She gave an irritated look to her cell phone. “Five minutes!” She warned him, palm out, fingers spread, before turning and making her way back down the hall. The door slammed behind her.

Ben corded his fingers through his hair with an irritated sigh, before placing his hand above Rey’s head to the arm of the couch. He thrust inside her again.

“Are you fucking _kidding_ me!” she exclaimed, slapping at his arms, attempting to squirm out from under him.

“What?” He looked down at her, genuinely frustrated. “We have five more minutes!” 

She pulled out from under him with an unnerved sigh, sitting up. Ben groaned, still on all fours.

“She’s my assistant, Sweetheart. I’m surprised she even looked up from her phone long enough to notice what we were doing.”

Rey held her head in her hands. She was mortified. She was sure her entire body was glowing hot pink from embarrassment. 

She pushed herself from the couch and stomped into Ben’s bedroom, Ben right on her heels. 

She dug into the drawer he had cleared out for her, producing a t-shirt and irritably tugged it over her head. As she pulled a pair of leggings up her hips, Ben wrapped his arms around her waist from behind.

“Rey, c’mon,” he said as he planted some kisses on her shoulder.

She leaned back against him and sighed. “I’m just embarrassed.”

“About what? You looked _amazing_ ,” he teased, humming into her shoulder. She swatted at his arm, finally allowing herself to laugh over the ridiculous situation. He pulled away from her, tugging on the pair of sweats and grinning.

“We good?” Kaydel called from the front door.

“All’s good,” Ben replied stepping out into the hallway, Rey followed behind him.

Kaydel shoved the garment bag at him as she passed, head bowed to her phone.

“Get dressed, the car is already waiting outside,” she stopped before the counter, tapping out a few more words with her thumbs. Finally, she looked up at him.

“I guess we’re doing _that_ with your hair today. Thankfully this isn’t a television interview.” Shaking her head, she went back to the screen.

Ben turned, giving Rey a private eye roll before disappearing behind the closed door of the bathroom. Leaving Rey and his assistant alone.

Kaydel had not seemed awkward or put off by their circumstance at all, once again thumbing away at her screen. A few painful moments for Rey stretched by.

“You’re Rey?” There was a brief drag of her eyes up before they met Rey’s.

Rey nodded, toying with the hem of her shirt.

Kaydel nodded too, eyes back on the screen.

“Figured. He talks a lot about you. Not to me, but to other people on the phone.” Once again she struggled to lift her eyes from her phone to meet Rey’s. “Don’t tell him I told you that. I can’t stand it when he gets in his colossal human hurricane moods.”

The door to the bathroom swung open and he emerged, looking down, finishing up the buttons on his shirt.  

Rey suddenly wished she had taken him up on those extra five minutes.

Without a word, Kaydel moved past her towards the door, still focused on her phone. Ben grabbed his keys and wallet from a bowl on the counter, pausing before her. He cuffed the back of her neck and planted a kiss on her forehead. He looked guilty. She hadn’t had to meet Luke that day. He must have really forgotten he had an interview. 

“We can go out to dinner tonight if you want. I have a couple of places I want to bring you to.” His eyes looked hopeful as if she would ever say no to that.

She nodded and he kissed her. “Have a good day.” He moved from her then, half jogging to the door where Kaydel awaited him.

“Nice to meet you,” she called, before shutting it behind them, leaving Rey alone in the quiet space.

That was the weirdest morning. 

Most days by nine am they would both be making their way into the busy and bustling world of New York, leaving behind the quiet bliss of his apartment.

Rey didn’t mind the subway as much as she had originally thought she would, now thoroughly enjoying the minor commute for the people watching alone. 

One time a guy just stepped onto her train, sang a few lines of _“Wouldn’t it be Loverly”_ and then held out a cup for tips. Rey was happy to give him a dollar, simply because it made her morning.

She was supposed to be at Luke’s at 9:30 every morning, six days a week. Tardiness would not be accepted. Between Rey’s natural running clock always being a bit behind and New York being, well, New York, she made sure to always give herself plenty of time to make it there.

This day she breezed into the glass doors of _Jedi_ with nearly seven minutes to spare. Look at her, so grown up. Adulting, even.

As usual, Luke had materials set out across the bar. Sparkling glasses, bottles on ice, maps, and packets of informational material. 

They were working on the particular characteristics of the Piedmont region of Italy. 

The wines of Italy were just as esoteric as the wines of France, with the added frustration of having more grape varieties. Luke had warned her not to become overwhelmed by the wine as a whole, but to instead, pluck out singular notes, examine them - determine their origin, and then move on from there.

Her first day had been the worst. Cautious with nervous excitement, she’s had a hard time focusing and delving into the wines, afraid of saying something wrong. Of coming off boorish or ill-bred. 

Yet Luke assured her that during this journey, it was bound to happen.

“You’re going to be wrong,” he told her, swirling a garnet-hued Barbaresco before lifting it up to his nose to inhale. “You’re going to be wrong a lot. Especially in the beginning. Get over it.”

That had made her feel better.     

Training was going well. Luke was funneling information into her at an unbelievable rate and she was somehow managing to remember most of it. Of course, she still had far more work to do after she returned home, not to mention if she wanted to earn her pin, she would have to pay to take the Sommelier certification. 

But her confidence was gaining more and more each day.  

In training anyway.

There were other struggles.

At one time in her life, she would have told you she was not a jealous person. Not insecure in the least. That she was perfectly comfortable with herself and, obviously, if she were going to be in a relationship, she would have to wholly trust her partner. And she did. She trusted Ben fully, completely and totally.

It was the other women in the world she had issues with.

He had brought her to this incredible Asian-fusion place, where they ate whole spicy fried shrimp off skewers (the heads still on and everything) and shared a mountain of food there was no way they’d be able to finish. They drank sake and laughed, while he told her stories about how Phasma and Hux fought like petty six-year-olds. 

During their second course, he gazed across the table at her, lit so handsomely by the blue and green back-lighting of the small space. She paused, chopsticks halfway to her mouth and smiled.

“What?” 

He smiled softly back and shook his head, reaching up to cover his grin with his fingertips.

She lost the bite of her noodles back into her bowl.

“Do I have something in my teeth?” She chuckled, now covering her mouth with her hand.

With a laugh, he leaned back.

“I’m just happy you’re here,” he said, unable to wipe the smile from his face. “Truly, no seaweed in teeth or anything. Promise.”

They had finished up, Rey grateful for extra room in her dress, considering how full she was at that moment.

The soft fabric teased and flowed around her in the gentle breeze that wafted down the avenue. They held hands in the streetlight, opting to walk to another bar instead of taking a cab.

This one was loud and trendy, not usually their style, but the rumor was you couldn’t get a better cocktail on the Eastside.

There was only one seat open at the bar, which he, of course, pulled out for her and then stood beside her. 

“You wanna see the wine list?” he teased.

“Bleeagh!” she laughed, making a face. 

Her tongue was absolutely sick of wine.

They shared their first round, discussing the flavors and complexity of the drinks. Sufficiently buzzed, she was grateful not to have to drink any wine the next day, either. Ben didn’t have to work and they were celebrating in their favorite way - getting drunk and then fucking each other senseless.

Their second round, a gin drink with pureed dragon fruit and Velvet Falernum, and a bourbon sour thing that made her mouth pucker in a completely delectable way, went down a little too easily.

Finally, the seat next to her opened up and Ben sat beside her.

By the end of the third round, she had to excuse herself for the ladies room. 

As she stood outside of the single stalled door, waiting behind a few other women, she leaned against the wall. She could see Ben at the bar, his profile visible to her as he examined the backdrop of the bar itself. That beautiful face that she loved. She had a filthy thought about her tongue - the tip, dragging its way up that glorious ridge of a nose when they got home later. 

She chuckled to herself. There wasn’t a part of him she didn’t want her mouth on. It was lecherous but undeniably mutual. 

From here her chest warmed. If she had the choice of any other person in this entire city, she would choose him. She would choose him over anyone else in the state, the country. She would choose him over and over and over again. 

 _God_ , she had to pee. And she was drunk.

One more person to go. 

She looked back to the bar and the smile quickly slid from her face.

Ben had turned in his seat slightly, talking to a woman with perfectly styled hair that fell in waves all the way down her back. Her makeup looked like something from a Youtube tutorial and her black dress could not have been anymore form-fitting. Rey watched as she tipped her head back and laughed, definitely just a little louder than necessary, reaching forward and placing her hand on Ben’s bicep.

Ben smiled politely and dropped his arm from its resting place on the back of his barstool, and she pulled her hand away, unphased.

 _Good boy_ , Rey thought with a smirk.  

 _Fuck, how long does it take to pee anyway?_ She wondered looking over to the door, irritated. 

At the bar the girl made an attempt to slide into Rey’s seat, but Ben politely rejected her. Surely telling her his _girlfriend_ would be returning shortly. Rey huffed at this.

“Take a hint, Jolene,” she muttered, and practically cried when the bathroom door finally opened and she was able to slip in.

After relieving herself, she quickly washed her hands, hoping that by the time she returned, Ben’s overzealous fan would have slinked her way to another barstool.

She was always a cockeyed optimist.

As she approached, the woman was laughing again, head back. Her hand was once again planted on Ben’s upper arm, where she gripped it as if she needed it to steady herself.

Rey restrained her eye-roll, jaw set tight.  

“Excuse me,” Rey bristled a smile, brushing past the stranger and reclaiming her seat. The woman hadn’t even glanced at her.

“How do you stay so fit when you’re constantly eating food?” she had asked, swaying a little, coyly. Her eyes flitted over him with a salacious look that made Rey’s blood boil. 

Ben’s eyes shifted to her and he coughed.

He said something in an attempt to end the conversation, but that message had not been received clearly.

The woman purred something else, something Rey had not even heard. But that wasn’t what sent her over the edge.

No, it was when she felt as though she could be so bold as to reach forward and drag a lazy hand down Ben’s chest.

Something inside of Rey snapped.

Her hand shot out like a viper, snatching the woman’s wrist in a bruising grip. For the first time, her wide blue eyes finally met Rey’s.

“Touch him again.” 

It was a warning. A dare. Her eyes were sharp, her tone low and flat.

This message was heard loud and clear. 

The woman backed away as Rey released her grip. Ben nervously broke the tension with a half-ass stuttered apology, throwing some money down on the bar.

He grabbed her wrist, pulling from her seat and through the crowd.

When the cool night air hit her skin, Rey was suddenly brought forth into the horror of what she had just done. The panic of it swelling up and washing over her.

 _Oh God_ , she was dazed, looking down at Ben’s big hand, dragging her behind him in a tight grip. _What have I done?_ Her brain shrieked nervously. His back was tense, the muscles under his shirt corded and shifting as he abruptly turned, pulling her off the main street and into an alley. 

He practically flung her before him, turning her to face him.

“I’m sorry!” she blurted, the panic in her reaching a fever pitch as she watched his jaw clench in the shadows of the dark alleyway. “She was just… _touching_ you! Treating you like a goddamn breakfast buffet! It just made me - _ugh_!” She ran frustrated fingers through her hair, her teeth slightly clenched.  

He was watching her intensely, shaking his head.

“You think that’s what I want?” he asked her quietly, stabbing his finger in the direction of the bar.

She frowned, looking back at him, almost in a pout. “You didn’t seem to be in a rush to stop her.”

In an instant, his hand spread out across her stomach, pushing her backward until her shoulders came in contact with the building behind her. The brick was rough, cool and clammy against her bare skin. In a flurry, his hands were flashing up her thighs, ruffling the fabric of her dress, reaching back and gripping hard on the flesh of her ass as he pushed forward and pinned her to the wall.

“I don’t know how many times I have to tell you,” he growled out, one of his hands leaving her backside, working the buckle of his belt. 

“How many times I have to show you,” roughly now it started rubbing her through the front of her panties. He slipped his fingers along the crook of her thigh and then dipped under the fabric, testing. She was quickly slick and ready for him. Like she always was. He pressed himself against her, pinning her there as he pressed two thick fingers inside her, knuckle deep.

Rey hissed in a breath, head dropping back to the wall, desperately trying not to cry out. She felt like a fucking animal. Completely overrun by lust, unable to control herself or this man she so stubbornly and desperately desired.

She reached forward and felt him, full and thick, straining through the teeth of his zipper. 

“Don’t,” he snapped. 

She shuddered against the brick wall as his mouth latched to hers, swallowing up her mewl as he yanked the thin fabric of her underwear down her hip and it slid to her ankles. She kicked them away, riding herself of their restraint entirely, as she arched into him. 

He circled her clit with his thumb, fingers working their dark, black magic.

His eyes were sharp as he held her chin in his other hand.

“Come for me,” he demanded. 

Rey’s eyes nearly fluttered closed from the weakening wave that hit her. 

“Don’t close your eyes. Look at me and come for me.” 

A few powerful swipes of his thumb, the pumping drag and push of his fingers inside her and she unleashed, releasing onto his hand. Fluttering and pulsing into his palm as he looked into her eyes.

When she finished, he pinned her once again and she raised her knees as he pressed her back into the wall. 

“I’m yours. I’m always going to be,” he grunted to her.

Some thirty feet away, people were passing by the dark alleyway, oblivious.

“Someone might see us,” she gasped, head tilted back, the concern of it nearly a weak excuse she could easily ignore.

“Then you should try to be quiet.” He was pushing into her, the spread of him inside her always and continually her most favorite feeling in the world.

He anchored her ass, tight and firm, against the wall, his hand once again a vice at her jaw as he held her eyes to his.

“Say it,” he ordered, and the sound of it sent shockwaves through her body. He was driving into her, the glorious and tantalizing weakness in her stomach growing, the rough scrape of the brick on her tingling skin making it all that more thrilling. 

“Tell me I’m yours.” It was demanding, and yet, a little pleading. His eyes were black and relentless, holding onto hers, insisting on her response.

Her hands were full of his thick, dark waves as she lifted and rode against him, chasing her own pleasure.

“You’re mine,” she rasped. It seemed odd at first, but once it left her lips, there was an immediate power surge that accompanied it. It filled her, fed her, gave her strength. 

“You’re mine,” she repeated, the influence of it growing like the swelling rush of brilliant pleasure welling inside her. 

“You’re mine,” louder this time, as she gripped at him, fingers digging into his shoulders, mouth bruising and mashing to his.

“Yes,” he gasped into her mouth. “I am. All yours.”

Rey came again, shattering into a million tiny pieces, her back raw and worn, in some disgusting, dimly lit alleyway in the middle of New York City. 

Yet, she had never felt so visceral and bright.

When they got home, Ben was horrified by the scraped and bruised mess that were her shoulder blades. He gently washed the tiny lacerations with warm soap and water, taking extra care to rub bacitracin over the sore and abraded skin.  

That was the worst night but also the best.

It was halfway through her stay before things started to turn.

They had decided to go out for tacos. Ben knew this place where they carved perfectly smoked and marinated meat off of large slabs, building layered excellence on top of hand made corn tortillas. Just him talking about it made Rey’s mouth water.

They were walking, she was prattling on about this unbelievable Pinot Blanc and the family-run vineyard it came from when suddenly, Ben was distracted. He frowned, eyes focused off somewhere ahead of them. She also frowned, looking ahead to see what had caught his eye when he quickly grabbed her wrist and ducked down another street.

“Ben, wha-” 

Again, he was dragging her off into another direction before pulling her into the clean, quiet hallway of a hotel. He finally stopped by a huge urn filled with spooky looking willows reaching up towards the ceiling. Boring saxophone heavy music played in the background.

His eyes darted across the entrance doors.

She gaped up at him, ridiculously confused.

“What the hell?”

“Fucking paparazzi,” he told her, still looking away.

Stunned, Rey blinked back at him, unsure if she heard him correctly. “Wait, like… TMZ and The National Enquirer?”

Ben let out an irritated sigh through his nose and nodded. 

 _“Seriously?”_ Aghast, she shook her head. Why the hell would anyone care about them walking around downtown? It’s not like she was Princess Diana and it’s not like Ben was, she didn’t know, _Tom Cruise_ or some ridiculous level of celebrity like that.

He was practically boiling with anger beside her, his hands shaking as they pulled through his hair.

“I should have never done this to you, I _knew_ this could happen!” he grunted out through clenched teeth. “You shouldn’t have to be stalked by those fucking vultures like this, fucking hiding pathetically in some bed-bug infested dump, behind this-” he irritatingly gestured to the urns and their odd adornments, “I mean, _what the fuck are these anyway?_ Are we in the fucking Nightmare Before _Christmas? Shit!”_

His curse echoed through the quiet hallway. He was spiraling out. Rey hadn’t seen him have an anger episode like this in a long time. She wondered if it was because they had died down or just that she wasn’t around him enough to witness them.

She placed a calm hand on his chest, his pec muscle jumping at her touch. There was the faintest twitch below his left eye, his eyes still sharp and focused off above her, his jaw tight and working. “Hey,” she hushed, pressing her palm into him, finally getting his attention. She brought her other hand up, planting it just as firmly, holding his eyes with her own.

“It’s okay. I’m okay. It was just a picture.”

Another deep sigh let out from his nose. He gripped her wrists gently, rubbing his thumbs against her pulse. He softened a little, although still incredibly tense to the point of virtually radiating from anger. He nodded, but Rey could still feel his pounding heart beneath her hands.

Another deep sigh. 

“I just… I just don’t want them ruining anything for you. They're fucking vermin Rey, they’ll make up stories, follow you around… it’s - you didn’t ask for this. I did.”

“Ben, I’m nobody. Some tabloid jockey arsehole doesn’t give two shits about me. Once they find out I’m just your friend from back home, they’ll piss off and find someone else, right?” She reached up, pulling his hair behind his ear. 

Boy was she wrong.

Two days later, she bounced out of Ben’s apartment, taking her usual path to the subway, past a newsstand before stopping short.

 **IS CULINARY’S MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELOR FINALLY TAKEN?** Screamed the headline from the neat little bin it was stored in.

Rey stepped to the rack, jaw nearly grazing the ground. _No. Not possible_.

But there it was, staring her in the face. Two separate photos taken just days before. Her and Ben, blissfully unaware. One with him holding her hand, the other with him standing over her for a kiss.

A wave of nausea hit her and she immediately looked around for a trash can.

“Hey, this ain’t Barnes & Noble, buy it or put it back,” the stand worker told her. With shaky hands she tossed him some money, curling up the rag in her hand. She took a few deep breaths, calming the sickening sensation she was nearly choking on, trying to get her probably cardiac threatening heart-rate to slow down. She was still stunned and in shock when she finally made her way into _Jedi_ , clamoring onto a barstool, jaw still not able to return to its normal resting position. She couldn’t even remember the subway ride there.

Luke eyed her silently from across the bar with a frown.

Suddenly, she was crying and she wasn’t sure why.

And then Luke was there, taking the magazine from her hand, rubbing a soothing circle on her shoulder.

She just kept repeating “I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over, unable to stop the hot tears as they streaked down her face.

There was a glass of water put in her hand and she blindly gulped it down.

After a few minutes, she was able to breathe normally again and the tears had subsided.

It was quite a while before Luke spoke, examining the magazine outstretched before him.

“So you and Ben, huh?”

Rey sighed heavily, hands shoved through her hair, head down. She nodded.

Luke gave a grunt, tossing the paper aside. 

“Good luck with that,” he grumbled. 

Her head snapped up.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Perhaps he didn’t realize that he had said it out loud because he looked just about as shocked as she did.

“Nothing,” he said as he abruptly turned from her, waving a hand over his shoulder. “Take the day off, I think you need it.”

She spent the rest of the day in bed, texting out her horrified sense of exposure with Rose, who was, of course, absolutely tickled by Rey’s newfound “fame”.

 

**ROSE: I mean, seriously, how did they miss the opportunity to print 'SOLO NO MORE' as their headline?**

**ROSE: Freaking amateurs**

 

By the time Ben got home, she decided not to tell him about her little panic attack and Luke’s weirdly passive-aggressive comment. 

Still, Ben threatened to break the jaw of the next paparazzi scumbag he saw near her, and that frightened Rey a little because she knew he probably would.

 

                                                                                                               ***

 

Ben was hating going into work more and more each day.

Every time he had to kiss her goodbye. Every time he had to unwrap his arms from around her waist, to pull his face out of her hair or to lift the covers from the warm nestled comfort of their bodies together.

He realized that this was not even remotely rational. People who love each other left each other every single day to go to work, to school, to the goddamn grocery store.

But most people didn’t have to spend weeks and months apart from the person they loved. Most people probably didn’t have to think about different continents and time zones and when was the next time they were going to be able to be in the same room with the one person they wanted to be with most.  

She was only going to be there for a few more days and he was sure that her leaving might actually kill him. Dramatic, perhaps, but sometimes at night he would watch her sleep and the sinking feeling in his chest would swallow him whole. 

Because then he had to go to California, and after that, Chicago. Back to New York, then Vancouver, hopefully, a trip home and then two months in Cuba. 

It gutted him to think about being away from her for so long. Especially now, after she was the last thing he saw every night and the first thing he touched every morning.

And she, despite seeming like she was fully collected and comfortable with their relationship, and what the time apart would bring, had small cracks of doubt within her still. Occasionally a light streaking from the inside out, shining bright and blinding, would show him just how threatening those tiny fractures could be.

The night she had grabbed the woman in front of him he saw them, clear as day. A thousand flashing and shiny little flaws, gleaming with rage and insecurity. And yet, he had never been so enraptured by what others would consider ugly emotions.

He didn’t like that she was made to feel that way, but he did like that her love for him was so intense that it could cause her to act erratically. He also understood that he really shouldn’t be enthralled by that, because it’s… unhealthy. But he still was. It made him feel closer to her in an unspeakable and intense kind of way.

She was scarred and imperfect and filthy and fucked up - just like him. And he loved her all the more for it. She let him prove it to her in the alleyway and he would have bent her over the bar and had her right there that night if he didn’t have a career and the worry of it ending up on page 6 the next day.

Good Lord, he couldn’t wait to get home.

“Solo,” Ben was pulled out of his thoughts as Snoke stood in the doorway to his office. It was a rarity. Snoke did not come to people, people came to him.

He was wearing one of his ridiculously garish suits, this one black, with large purple and red peonies splashed across it. His scarred cheek was looking particularly ugly today, tucked into the corner of his mouth like a sneer. Ben sometimes wondered how he got it.

“For the Emmy Awards,” he started. Snoke had a way of starting a conversation like it was already in the middle. Like it was something they had discussed and were circling back to for final clarification. “Jessika Pava’s people - you know who she is, correct?”

Ben frowned with a nod. They had just watched a movie with her in it the other night. It was awful and the poor girl couldn’t act for shit. Pretty though.

“Her people have extended an offer for her to accompany you to the ceremony. I have told them yes. I think it would be good to have a young, up-and-coming actress on your arm. Shows you’re available, gets your face on the magazine covers, makes you more of a household name.”

Ben stared back at him, speechless. What in the ever-living fuck had this old gremlin just said to him? 

“No,” he shook his head, attempting to stomp down the anger that was rising inside of him. This goddamn fucking Gollum piece of shriveled up human garbage. Now he wanted to control his fake love-life too? Unbelievable. “Call them back and tell them no.”

A smile, the dark and twisted kind, pulled at Snoke’s face. “I’m afraid that-”

“Call them back and tell them no!” Ben repeated, his patience nearly a thread string ready to snap.  

 Snoke paused, actually considering for once. “Should we get in touch with a young actor instead?”

Again, Ben was at a loss of words for a few moments as he just looked at the old man still darkening his doorway. 

“The _fuc_ \- NO! I have a girlfriend, for fucks sake!” Ben erupted, the boiling feeling in his veins running over and spilling out. “I’m not bringing some _fucking stanger_ with me to an event!” But then suddenly, with the way that Snoke was looking at him, Ben had instantly wished he had just kept his stupid, hot-headed mouth shut.

“Personal relations are supposed to be reported. It’s in your contract,” Snoke told him, a matter of factly and Ben had the sneaking suspicion that he had already known about Rey and that this was a trap.

Ben seethed, breathing deeply in and out through his nose. Of course, it was in his contract. That damn vice grip on his life that allowed him the freedom of a falcon, as long as he came back to perch on Snoke’s arm after each flight. 

“Well, who is this young woman who has managed to catch the attention of the most eligible bachelor in the culinary world?” His smile made Ben’s stomach flip like he had eaten a batch bad of seafood.

“She’s… she’s from back home,” he offered. He wasn’t going to say more, then added, “but she’s staying in the city right now, she's apprenticing for my uncle... Luke Skywalker.”

Snoke’s eyebrows raised, impressed. 

“A fellow gourmand?”

Suddenly, Ben no longer wanted to talk. He didn’t want to share Rey or home or any part of his safety net with this man. 

“I suppose.”

“Ah, but to apprentice under the great _Luke Skywalker_ ,” he said sarcastically, his voice practically dripping with cruelty. “Now that’s an invite even you weren’t extended…”

Ben’s jaw was clenched so tightly, he was afraid he may crack a tooth. 

“Your friend must be some sort gastronome if she has captured the time and attention of _Jedi’_ s very own Michelin star holder.”

“She’s training to be a Sommelier.” _God Ben, shut up!_

Snoke’s mouth twisted up in a sick smile that made Ben’s heart sink.

“How impressive,” he made an odd purring noise that made Ben want to gag. Then, he said the last thing Ben would have expected from him.

“I’d like to meet this girl. Bring her here.”

  

                     

                                                                                                               ***

 

When he told her the story later, Rey’s eyes grew wide in disbelief.

“He wants to meet _me?_ ”

Ben looked like he was going to be ill. He nodded. 

“You’re only here for another week, we - we can blow him off, just say you were too busy to break away from your training.”

Rey frowned at him and laughed. 

“But... I kinda wanna meet him,” she said with a smile. 

It was true. Despite Ben insisting that he was a wretched excuse for a human, he was still Leonard Snoke. The _legendary_ Leonard Snoke. The guy she used to watch on the shitty little black and white telly back at the Plutts, when she was the only one small enough to slip behind the tv and adjust the antenna when the picture got fuzzy. The man was a living icon. 

If she didn’t know any better, she would have sworn Ben turned an entire skin tone lighter. 

She had only been to _First Order_ one time during her stay in New York. It almost seemed as if Ben didn’t want her anywhere near the place. But he had hastily forgotten his glasses one day, and after her training, Rey took the subway over to drop them off to him.  

She had stood before the bored-looking hostess with a nervous smile. The thin girl wore grey lipstick and winged eyeliner, her hair shorn on one side, the rest clipped into a short bob also colored a pale grey.

“I’m here to see Ben Solo,” Rey told her, tugging at the band of her purse slung over her shoulder.

The girl's eyes trailed over her apathetically and she huffed.

“Nice try,” her dull voice lolled. She rolled her eyes and looked back down to the open reservation book before her.

Rey bristled. Trying her best not to convey how insulted she was, she shifted, trying to keep the smile on her face.

“If you could just tell him-”

“Chef Solo is not in the building this evening,” the hostess gave her a cutting look through slitted eyelids. “And even if he were, this is a place of business. He doesn’t come out for autographs and meet-and-greets.” She tried to dismiss Rey again, looking back to the book before her.

Rey let out an annoyed breath through her nostrils. This fucking place. She knew they were just trying to keep Ben safe. That this hostess was just doing her job, albeit with a gross condescending attitude.

“Listen, I-”

“Do I need to call security?” 

“If I were you,” Rey bit through her clenched teeth, her patience finally thin enough where the veneer of controlled politeness had washed away. She poked her finger towards the headset that peeked out of the girls grey stands, resting against her cheek. 

“I would let Ben Solo know that Rey Niima is here to see him and she has his fucking glasses that he asked for before I have to go home tonight and tell him you sent me away, which will probably lead to you not having to bother to show up for your shift tomorrow.” Rey gave her a tight, annoyed smile.

The hostess eyed her cautiously, finally sighing and tapping at the side of the earpiece. She picked up the phone at the desk, dialing a few numbers before she paused, eyes once again washing over Rey.

“Sorry for the interruption, Chef Solo, there is a Rey Niima out front to see you?” Instantly the color began draining from the girl's face as her mouth slowly slid open, giving Rey a slightly demented feeling of satisfaction. “Y-yes sir, I will.” She tapped the side of the headset again, clearing her throat, a nervous smile now taking over her features.

“My apologies, Miss Niima, he says to have a seat at the bar, he will be right out.” She gestured behind her to the quiet unopened restaurant. “Can I get you some water while you wait?”

“That would be nice,” Rey said, sweetly. “Thank you.”

She never had dinner there, never came by again. The more she thought about it, the stranger it seemed. 

“Do you not want me to meet him?” she asked, cautiously.

Ben stared at her, his expression a blend of worry and hesitation. His mouth worked as he paused to answer her. Finally, he sighed. 

“No, come meet him. It’ll be fine,” he murmured.  

That made her happy. Her time there was very swiftly coming to an end. It only seemed fitting that she finally get a chance to see what his work life was truly like.

Later that night, after they had fully spent each other, she was slowly drifting off to sleep when Ben pulled her in close.

“I don’t want you to leave,” he whispered against her shoulder, their bodies entwined, heartbeats slowly coming back down to a resting rate.

“Sucks, doesn’t it?” she said softly, knowing full well what he was going through right now. He was usually the one who left. Now it was her turn.

“It’s terrible,” he said as he gave a set of gentle kisses to her clavicle and sighed miserably. “Does it get better?”

“No,” she told him honestly, pulling wayward strands from his eyes with the gentle swipe of her fingers.

The next morning after breakfast, she was free for the day and he had some paperwork he could do at home, so he’d promised her he would take her to the Statue of Liberty. She was excited like a school kid on a year 3 field trip. 

She threw her arms around him and he picked her up, her body pressed against his, as he spun her for a little whirl. Unfortunately, it was too close to the doorway and her ankle banged against it with a knock.

“OW, _shit!_ ” Rey exclaimed with a wince. He released her, instantly kneeling to the floor in panic.

“Are you okay?” he asked, brushing his fingers across her ankle gently. It certainly hurt, but she would live.

She chuckled. “It was a doorway Ben, not a table saw.”

Still knelt before her he chuckled too, gently tugging at her ankle in his hand. She shifted to one foot as he leaned forward and planted what she assumed was a healing kiss onto the sore bone. His fingers massaged it gently, then he released her and looked up with an amused grin on his face. 

The grin slowly slid into something softer and he reached forward, taking her left hand and placing a soft kiss to the back.

Time for Rey had slowed down so much that she felt like she could hear the chambers in her heart pushing and pumping the blood through her stunned body. She felt the throbbing of her ankle and Ben’s fingers as they softly twisted around the base of her ring finger. A fog hung in the air and then she swore that she could no longer hear her thudding heart because it had actually stopped. 

_Is he - no, he wouldn’t -_

The thudding returned then, thrice fold. Apparently, her heart just needed to skip a few beats before going into hyperdrive. 

It was so clear in his eyes, the tiny flashes of absolution, then doubt, then resolution, then fear, then courage. He shifted closer to her, stopping his worrying over the soft lines along her finger, clasping her hand in his. It was a grounding sensation, like lighting flickering across the sky, only to connect with an object and crack into the ground.

Rey felt herself giving him the tiniest of head shakes, her eyes suddenly pleading with him to stop. 

_No, no no. No, it’s too soon. We have too much to work on, too much to figure out still. Please, don’t, I won’t be able to answer you like I want to._

Ben sighed, and she swore he gave the slightest nod of understanding as if he had actually read her mind. Still, he smiled, landing one last kiss on the back of her hand, before he stood, cradling her face. 

He looked down at her, not disappointed or rejected. Just a soft smile as his melted toffee eyes counted the flecks of green in hers. He did not speak, but Rey knew what he was thinking. 

I _am_ going to ask you someday. 

He kissed her and parted ways to go into the study and finish his leftover paperwork. 

Alone, Rey collapsed against the doorframe to the bedroom, trembling and trying her best not to gasp for air. For some odd reason, she felt her eyes beginning to bruise with the threat of tears.

Because Ben Solo had almost just asked her to marry him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently, sex in public is a kink I never knew I had. Thanks, Reylo!


	16. Power

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wedding plans, award ceremonies, sacred promises, sneaky vacations, treachery. 
> 
> “Oh baby bring me home to bed  
> Rebel, rebel, no  
> Lightning dances in my head  
> Devil, devil, whoa, oh, oh  
> Burning steady as a motor  
> Not a pebble, pebble  
> Baby, bring me home to bed  
> I need you to press me down   
> before my body flies away from me  
> Your power  
> Inside  
> It rocks me like a lullaby”  
> \- [TuneYards](https://youtu.be/NLb8jWYvYmU)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting this chapter in a rush, in the middle of a workweek and my final. I like to live dangerously.
> 
> It was bound to happen, guys, *pain train whistle sounds in the distance*
> 
> Thanks always to[JenfysNest](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenfysNest) for being awesome and supportive.
> 
> Also big thanks to the [Reylo Fanfic Book Club](https://reylofanficclub.tumblr.com/) for picking my little fic this week to read and review, and to [Lightshinebright](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lightshinebright/pseuds/Lightshinebright) for suggesting me!

Eight months later, Rey sat in Poe and Finn’s apartment, helping them go over the last details of their wedding for the upcoming weekend. They were sharing a bottle of wine and Finn had disappeared into the kitchen to throw together a quick snack plate, leaving her and Poe in the living room.

The wedding was something of a blessed distraction for Rey. It took her mind off of her Master Sommelier exam, which was swiftly approaching and making her question her palate and abilities. She had already helped Amilyn redesign the new menu and purchase new wines—without her level 1 pin, it would all be wasted. The stress of it was starting to bear down on her.

It also helped quell the horrible ache and loneliness she faced from being separated from Ben yet again.

This time he was in Vancouver. Some big  _ First Order _ convention. From there, he would be flying straight to the wedding, having to leave shortly after, to return to New York.

But he was going to be there all weekend, she reprimanded herself, attempting to keep it positive. 

She already had his suit hanging in her closet, next to her groomsmaid dress. A beautiful, dreamy thing of dark lavender tulle. The first time she put it on, she blushed, twisting and twirling, feeling like a fairytale princess. It felt magical. 

Naturally, she and Rose were groomsmaids and Ben was standing in as a groomsman. However, the big surprise was when they announced that Angela would also be taking up a role in the wedding party, a complete and utter scandal, in Rose’s eyes.

“I mean, technically, she knows both of them way more than we do,” Rey had offered teasingly.

Rose had scoffed.

With just her and Poe alone, he gestured for her to lean in quickly, while Finn was away.

“Okay, but tell me your thoughts on this, Sunshine,” Poe spread out his hands like he was about to tell her about the greatest thing since the Shamwow. He paused building tension before he finally whispered, “ _ Chocolate fountain _ .” 

He nodded excitedly, the grin across his face wide and conspiring. 

“Uh…” Rey began tentatively. 

“It’d be great, right?” he whispered, fevered. “Imagine all the things you could dip in it.” As usual with Poe, there was a hint a dirtiness to that sentence which led her to believe if there were actually a chocolate fountain, it would find its way to the honeymoon suite. 

“ _ Is he talking about that damn chocolate fountain again?? _ ” Finn yelled from the other room. 

Poe pressed his finger to his lips, shaking his head. 

Rey shook her head and laughed. She was very much looking forward to the weekend. The party, seeing two of her best friends devote their love to each other, seeing Ben again. She was excited about it all. 

She was ready to have him back. Tired of sharing him with the world. They were doing their best, but like with all relationships, they had their struggles. Well, not like she would really know. Ben was her only real relationship, save a boy back home she went to a few dances with and lost her virginity to over the course of her year 12. But she assumed all relationships had their highs and lows. Theirs was mostly highs.

The long spans of time apart were definite lows. Having to go weeks and sometimes months without seeing each other. But they were living in the communication era and were able to keep in touch daily. Rey became an expert at angles for naughty videos and Ben could get her heart pumping with just a few select words in his texts.

When they were able to come together, it was never enough. There was never enough time for them to be full of each other, never enough hours in the day to soak up before they would be ripped apart by schedules and obligations and flight times.

A lot of time over the past eight months was spent counting the days until they would be united again.

But, oh, when they were... 

She didn’t think it was possible for her to love someone the way she loved Ben. Before meeting him, she had gone out with a few boys, went on a few dates, even slept with a couple, but they never felt  _ right. _ Inevitably they would drift apart or she would lose interest and she would be impartial to it all. She never cried over a boy. Never shed a single tear or really gave them much thought as they slowly faded into memory.

The highs of their love were dizzying. Soaring, climbing, beautiful apexes that peaked up like mountaintops over the landscape of the past eight months.

Her and Ben, sitting on the floor of his office, on one of her few visits back to New York. He was showing her pictures from his trips. They had been there for hours, him letting her see his journals, read his poetry - his bared soul that had been perfectly ink-scratched into notebooks and lined pages. 

“These are the Ouzoud falls. They’re near a village in the Middle Atlas Mountains called Tanaghmeilt,” he was holding the picture of a gorgeous tiered waterfall, the bright red rocks, lush green foliage and cool, cold water making the picture look bright and surreal. “They love to tell you that the cataract is 360 feet tall, but they forget to mention that the local monkeys will steal everything that gets set down.”

She laughed as he handed her off several photos of him and the crew fending off or chasing after thieving monkeys.  

“Pretty sure we lost at least one camera that day,” he chuckled shaking his head. 

She looked over at him, grinning. She traced his profile as he looked down and flipped through more pictures. She loved that he was doing this. Peeling back the hidden layers of Ben Solo, letting her see it all. 

“How come you never posted these on your Instagram?” she asked, picking up some colorful shots of hand-painted bowls in a street market. Ben was an exceptional photographer. Taking gorgeous shots of landscapes, of people, of colorful and thoughtful perspectives.

He frowned. “I did.”

“I’ve never seen most of these,” Rey told him, shaking her head. 

Eyebrows still pitched, he reached for his phone and started zipping away with his index finger. Finally, he smiled with a small laugh. 

“You never accepted my request,” she was about to counter him about that because she had  _ definitely _ spent a greater part of their separation nearly checking his account daily like a stalker when he turned his screen towards her and showed her. There she was, in the “request sent” list. 

She took the phone from his hand, frowning. 

“This is my private account. I use the other one sometimes, but it’s mostly run by Kaydel, for  _ First Order _ .” 

Rey scrolled through the pictures, several shots being of duplicates of the ones she had seen today.

“Huh,” she said, slightly surprised. All this time KyloRen F.O. had been sitting in her requests and it was really the secret window into Ben’s life she had been dying to see. She stopped scrolling on a picture of herself, candid, chin in hand as she looked off-camera, a hint of a smile on her lips. She was at the counter in his apartment, drink before her. He had taken it from the kitchen. She had no idea when he had snapped it, but it was definitely from her first stay in New York, during her Sommelier training. 

**Forever my favorite view** read the caption. Rey blushed.

When she looked up to him, he was watching her carefully, perhaps a little uncomfortable.  

“There are certain things I don’t want to share with the  _ First Order _ fan base.”

She nodded, suddenly understanding, and put the phone aside. She sat forward, pulling herself onto all fours and then crawled onto his lap, straddling him as she took his face in her hands.

“I love you,” she whispered, the emotion of it so overwhelming she had to say it before it threatened to crush her. His warm, large hands rubbed up and down her back and she could feel the prickling of tears as her feelings for him consumed her. She closed her eyes and pressed her forehead to his. 

“Promise me you’ll always take care of me,” she could barely get the words out. Asking made her feel needy and terrified, but she quietly pressed on. 

“That you’ll never… you’ll never leave me, like…” the sentence pinched in her throat. She couldn’t say it. She had never said it out loud. It was the one thing in her life that she kept bound tight and cinched, a part of herself she never wanted to admit cut her so deeply, she was afraid it would never heal. 

She opened her eyes as one of her tears slipped and patted onto his cheek. 

His fingers gently swept across her cheekbone, his eyes were molten amber, so soft and adoring. 

“I promise,” and she knew he meant it. “I will always be here for you. No matter what.”

It was a quiet vow passed between them that made her eyes well up just thinking about it now.     

Then, she thought about when Luke finally clarified his back-handed comment about his nephew the day she had her panic attack, finding out she was headline fodder for a tabloid.

“He’s going to destroy you,” Luke said ominously. It was her last day of training, she was packing up to go back home in the morning. “It’s what Ben does. He destroys what he loves most.”

Rey had felt a flash of fear like she had never known rip through her heart. 

She thought about Leia - about Han. About Luke and Ben. Was there a ring of truth to that?

“You’re wrong,” she whispered.

He had looked across the bar to her with a sadness in his pale blue eyes.

“I hope I am.”  

She should have been angry. Should have told him to screw himself and stormed off, never speaking to him again. 

But she didn’t. 

Instead, his voice rang in her head like a bell 

_ He’s going to destroy you. _

The evening before that, she had finally gotten to meet Snoke. She was nervous, toying with the hem of her dress as she and Ben took a cab to the restaurant to have dinner. His jaw was fixed as he looked out the window, hand fisting, then relaxing on top of his knee.

“Let’s not do this,” he suddenly blurted out, as the cab slowly came to a stop outside of  _ First Order _ . 

He turned to her, slight panic in his eyes. “Let’s just go back home or somewhere else,” he grabbed her hand, his palms were clammy. 

The cabbie told them the fare, and Ben just looked at her, almost begging.

She didn’t understand his panic. Didn’t understand this ridiculous fear he had of her being in the same room as his boss. Quite frankly, it was starting to make her a little angry.

“Are you embarrassed by me?” she asked him quietly.

“What? No!” He turned from her with a sigh, raking a stressed hand through his hair. He had just recently got it cut and she liked how it showed a little more of his ears. “I just…” he fumbled with his wallet, his hands betraying him with a slight tremor. He swiped his card through the reader. “I’m just worried. Snoke can be cruel sometimes,” he pushed open the cab door and got out, not looking at her. 

When she slid herself out of the backseat, he was standing on the curb, back to her, hands-on-hips. She stood beside him silently, watching his mouth work as it sometimes did when he was thinking too much. His eyes slid over to hers. 

He let out another sigh before placing his hand on the small of her back and gently guiding her into the sleek restaurant entrance. 

The place was abuzz the moment he stepped through the door. The staff, the patrons. All eyes were on them. He was a celebrity now, after all. Sometimes Rey forgot that. Now she was beginning to understand his hesitation. 

The hostess (not the grey-lady gatekeeper she had encountered prior, but a gazelle-esque looking blonde) led them to a quiet, more private table in the back of the restaurant. 

Standing before it was Leonard Snoke. Dressed in a tremendously loud suit of fighting white and red rabbits that almost resembled houndstooth. A smile spread across his face at the sight of her, and Rey instantly felt her stomach sink.

Maybe she should have listened to Ben. Her brain screamed that she was in danger, but she tutted herself mentally. It was just dinner. He wasn’t going to mentally torture her across the table. She was fine. She was safe. Ben was there. 

So, why did he look to her like a predator grinning down its prey? 

“Young Rey,” he crooned. His voice was low and gravelly. He was much shorter than she imagined, nearly the same height as her. His gnarled old hands gripped her bare shoulders as he placed an air kiss to both sides of her cheeks. He held her still as he backed away. “I finally get to meet the distraction that has so thoroughly bewitched my once dedicated heir. You are much more enchanting than Solo led me to believe, it’s no wonder you have managed to capture his attention so completely.” He gestured to the table, moving to pull the seat out for her.

Rey sat, her eyes flitting up to Ben as Snoke slid the chair in underneath her.

“Thank you,” she smiled over her shoulder to him. He cupped a withered hand over her shoulder and gave it a few pats.

Ben was watching him like a crouched panther as he sat down, shifting himself closer to the table.

“I have prepared a six-course meal of my own personal choosing for you two this evening,” his hand was still resting on her shoulder and it was beginning to make her slightly uncomfortable. “I will be overseeing every detail.”

This surprised Rey. She was under the impression that he would be joining them. Ben seemed to instantly relax over the news.

He shook out his napkin with a stiff smile.

“Looking forward to it,” his eyes shifted to Snoke’s hand on her shoulder.

Snoke gave her a quick squeeze, before removing it.

“Delights await, my dear,” he told her, before turning towards the kitchen.

Ben let out an audible sigh, practically melting as he walked away.

He reached forward, pouring them both water, shaking his head.

“If he touches you like that again, I’m breaking his hand,” he mumbled, bitterly.

Their server approached the table with a gorgeous silver stand, champagne already chilled over ice. He opened it expertly, the cork coming off with the faintest of sounds, not a loud obnoxious pop like they always put in the movies.

They cheered to a good night out and what was bound to be an incredible meal.

And it was. From the amuse-bouche, through the appetizer, the fresh and bright chilled soup, the fish course, the main course of duck, the salad, and finally to the small plate filled with two perfect bites of each dessert - everything about it was absolute perfection. 

The champagne had been whisked away after the third course, swiftly replaced with a deep amethyst Aglianico, which made Rey close her eyes and imagine juicy blackberry stained fingertips and the beating of the hot summer sun on her shoulders. 

She hummed and licked her lips. 

When she looked across to Ben, he was watching her with that look he gave her when he was thinking about what he was going to do to her once they were alone.

Heat pooled in her stomach.

She had two days left in New York. Tonight was going to be special for sure.

She shifted as she clenched her thighs together, watching him bring his glass to his lips, his eyes not breaking from hers. He was eye-fucking her for sure, and it was definitely working to get her ready for later. 

Or now. 

In the restroom or his office or the coatroom. She wouldn’t protest the location.

“Chef,” a nervous waiter approached the table, cutting through the thick sexual tension. It shattered around them and fell like broken glass.

Ben cleared his throat, placing his glass back to the table. He looked up to the server, eyebrows raised. 

“Chef Hux would like a word.”

Ben shot her an annoyed looked and sighed. He rose from his seat, dropping his napkin onto his chair. Before he passed, he leaned down, his breath tickling and hot against her ear.

“When I come back I want you to pass me your panties under the table.”

A thrill shot through Rey and she turned her head to look at him. His eyes were thick with lust and it made her nearly fluid. A small grin ticked up her lips and he placed a kiss at her hairline before he left.

She looked around, wondering if anyone would notice the slight shimmying of her attempting to work her underwear down her thighs under her dress, below the long white tablecloth.

“A young lady should never be left to dine alone,” said a voice beside her.

The excitement she felt was swiftly replaced by an ice-cold chill.

Snoke was smiling down at her. He moved from beside the table to make himself at home in Ben’s seat across from her.

“When my third marriage failed,” he began, drawing together his tented fingers, leaning his elbows on the table over Ben’s empty plate space. “I began to see that I needed to make a choice in this life I had built for myself.” Ben had warned her about his conversation quirk of starting a story halfway through, assuming that you would know exactly what he was talking about. It made her smile a little. She blinked back at him, attempting to be a good audience.

“I could either have success or I could have love - but I could not have both. Do you know why?”

Still not understanding where he was going with this, Rey shook her head.

“Because success  _ was _ what I loved. More than anything or anyone else. Of course, a compelling romantic adventure could placate me for a few months or years, but eventually that high would fade and I would once again be chasing my undying intoxication for winning - towards being the best.” His cold eyes surveyed her from across the table. “It was the only love that truly mattered to me. I picked Ben Solo for the very same reason. He is just like me, in that way.”

Rey could feel her heart beating like a bass drum in her chest.

He leaned forward, the smile was no longer on his face. 

“  _ ‘Seek happy nights to happy days’ _ , elsewhere, girl. This will not end well for either of you,” his tone was low, not threatening exactly, but cold enough to drain the warmth from her.

Rey stared back at him, mouth hung open.

“Ah,” he suddenly sat back, looking up to the side of the table as Ben approached. “Romeo returns.”

A frown was shadowed over Ben’s face as Snoke stood, offering Rey a brief smile. He extended his hand to her and she numbly took it as he bent over to place a brief kiss to it’s back. 

“It’s been a pleasure, mademoiselle.”

The memory made Rey’s gut clench.

_ Seek happy nights to happy days elsewhere. He is going to destroy you. _

Rey shook her head, flinging the words that had haunted her for several months out of her mind, as Finn came back into the living room carrying a wooden board covered in various snack items. He placed it down on the table before them and shifted in close to Poe, placing a loving hand on his knee.

“I would rather have strippers and a chicken wing buffet at my wedding than a chocolate fountain.”

Poe squinted, his eyes off to the side as if he were actually contemplating those options as well. 

“I do love chicken wings…” he mused quietly with a grin.

“I let you have the Dolly Parton impersonator,” Finn pointed out.

Rey gasped, “There’s going to be a Dolly Parton impersonator?!”

Poe shot him a sour look. “It was  _ supposed _ to be a surprise!”

Finn made a little “oops” face to Rey. “We saw her on our trip to the Catskills. She’s actually pretty amazing,” he reached forward, plucking an olive from the dish before them. “I thought it would be something different for the reception.”

Rey nodded, grinning. “I’d say! I can’t wait!” 

Poe leaned in, grabbing a small handful of almonds. “Ben is going to flip. Did you know she was his childhood celebrity crush? He told me once when we were drunk. He thought she was a life-size Barbie. He was heartbroken when he found out how much older she was than him. Crushed his little eight-year-old heart,” he grinned wolfishly.

Rey laughed whole-heartedly. She couldn’t wait for this party. She could picture Ben now, uncomfortably trying his best to not notice the two natural assets a Dolly Parton impersonator would most likely have- besides a pretty voice. She couldn’t wait to tease him about it.

She couldn’t wait to see him.

She thought about the nights where he would let himself into her apartment with his own key. Where she would be asleep and he would slip into her bed, the warmth of him immediately seeping down into her bones. She would sleepily smile and kiss him, run her fingers through his hair. He would hold her, kiss her, sometimes caress her and bring her to the peak of pleasure. Sometimes he would whisper how much he missed her and loved her. Other times he would pull her closer to him and fall asleep almost instantly.

He was never able to stay more than a day or two, always promising it was worth the trip just to see her again.

She bared herself to Ben Solo, feeling like no one on this earth understood her the way that he did. He was her soulmate. It was something she would have rolled her eyes about in her teens but now she knew. They were linked together, bound by an invisible thread. Tethered.

One of the few visits she managed to make back to New York, she was finishing up dinner and he sat at the counter, watching her with a lazy, dreamy grin on his face.

She stirred at some vegetables on the stovetop and grinned back, self-conscious.

“What?” she asked.

He must not have known he was doing it, because he shook his head, as if she had knocked him out of a daze. He huffed a laugh to himself and took a sip of his whiskey.

“Nothing.”

She frowned at him and gave him a sly side-eye.

“Benjamin,” she said teasingly.

He looked back at her from across the open space, something playing on his features she couldn’t quite place.

“I was thinking that I can’t wait to marry you. That I can’t wait to see you pregnant, to watch you raise my children. To grow old next to you and to spend every day with you for the rest of my life,” he said softly. Yet, there was a tinge of sadness to his voice.

Rey’s stomach swooped as she stared back at him. He stood, looking more miserable than she would have expected and made his way over to the small table by the window that acted as a make-shift bar. He poured himself another drink and looked out the window. 

Her mouth was dry and she swallowed roughly. These were not things she had ever thought about. She was taking this relationship day-by-day, quite literally. She would be back home the next day, and he would be on a plane. What was the point of planning that far ahead? Marriage, children, retirement options? Her head was swirling.

She had just turned twenty-seven the week before. Wasn’t it time she started thinking about such things? Especially with Ben? 

But she had never been the girl who dreamed about a white wedding dress and tiny clothing for a tiny human growing inside of her. Maybe it was because she assumed it could never happen for her. Maybe she was worried she would be a shit partner and a shit parent, just like her own.

She was jolted by the sound of shattering glass against the wall.

Ben stood, head in hands as he pressed his palms into his eyes.

“I should have _ never _ signed that contract,” he spat through gritted teeth. He looked up to the ceiling, his eyes wet with frustrated tears. “My entire fucking  _ life _ is planned out for the next four years and there’s absolutely  _ nothing  _ I can do about it!” 

As quickly as the anger came, it passed, his shaky hands falling to his sides as he looked at the wall, whiskey running down it in streaks, glass scattered on the floor. 

“Fuck,” he muttered miserably.

He looked to her, still frozen and dumbstruck in the kitchen. He was completely and utterly defeated.

“Don’t move, I’ll get the broom and dustpan.”

That night, after she fell from dizzying heights, chanting his name like a mantra as he moaned and came inside of her, she held his head to her chest and she felt the hot trail of a tear run down her skin.

“Ben?” she whispered into the dark, fingers gently brushing at his scalp.

He sniffed.

Hesitating, she tried to gather up the right words as they crazily zipped through her brain at lightning speed.  

“I’m not…” she started, then stopped. “You don’t have to…” she began, then sighed. His head lifted from her and she struggled to see his features in the dark. She shook her head, desperately trying to find the right words. “We don’t need to be anything more than what we already are. I don’t need you to prove to me how you feel, because I feel it too. We can follow our own path, take all the time we need.”

He was quiet, before he sighed, placing his head back to her chest. He simply snuggled in deeper but did not cry again.

The separations definitely took their toll emotionally. Although she tried to be strong for him, she sometimes wished they had more control over their own lives. But she had agreed to this, had said she would try this with him. This is what it had to be, for now.

Sometimes, even the highest of highs were soured by his career fame when they were  _ celebrating _ his career.

The night of the Emmy Awards she and Finn anxiously watched the red carpet on her couch as they waited for Poe and Rose to get there.

Finn put his phone down on the coffee table. “They’re on their way,” he told her, passing her the bowl of fluffy white popcorn. 

Rey took a handful, nervously munching away, eyes scanning the televised sea of gowns and tuxedos looking for those familiar waves of midnight black. 

The reporter from E! News was interviewing the actress Jessika Pava, asking her about her nomination for the night. 

“This is your first award ceremony, who are you most excited to see?” She tipped the microphone back towards Jessika, who sheepishly tucked a strand of dark, silky locks behind her ear.

“Ben Solo,” she giggled, with a little shrug. “I kinda have a huge crush on him.”

“ _ Whooo _ , child, don’t you be coming for our Benjamin!” Finn yelled at the tv, throwing a piece of popcorn towards the screen, prompting an eruption of giggles to come from Rey. 

Rose and Poe burst through the door.

“Did we miss anything?” Rose gasped, rushing over to the kitchen island to open a bottle of wine in her hand.

Poe bent over to kiss Finn, before taking his seat between them on the couch. 

“People are still arriving,” Rey told her, as Rose squeezed in too, wine in one hand, the other reaching into the popcorn bowl. 

“Have you seen him yet?” she asked, and Rey shook her head no.

She looked over to her phone to see she had a new message.

 

**BEN: Will you still love me if I vomit on live national television?**

  
  


Rey chuckled.

  
  


**REY: At least you’re in a tux, so it’ll be a classy regurgitation**

 

**REY: Where are you?? We haven’t seen you yet!**

 

**BEN: Pulling up now. I’ll text you later**

 

**BEN: Love you**

 

**REY: GOOD LUCK!!!**

  
  


“He just got there,” she told the group, and all eyes turned back to the television.

And then, there he was. Nervously touching his bowtie, looking devastating in his crisp, black tux.

Rey’s heart dropped.  _ Goddamn, he looked good. _

Rose screamed beside her, clapping a hand over her own open mouth, eyes wide.

“ _ Look at him he looks so good!!! _ ” she said as she started fanning herself, her eyes suddenly glistening with tears. “Oh my  _ God _ , I’m so excited for him! This is  _ unbelievable _ !”

Rey grinned, feeling the same swell of pride.

“Chef, you look a lot better tonight than you did running away from that angry water buffalo,” joked the interviewer. Ben chuckled, wiping a hand over his mouth. He was nervous, Rey could read his body like a book. His other hand was stuffed in his pocket and she could almost hear Kaydel hissing at him off camera to stand up straighter. She laughed.

“Congratulations on your nomination for  _ First Order: World View _ , I can’t help but notice you are walking the red carpet without a date tonight.”

Ben touched the back of his head with his hand awkwardly.

“No, no date tonight.”

He had asked her if she wanted to go, of course. Then that very same night, they were hounded by paparazzi, Ben grabbing one of them by the collar, threatening to smash his camera to the pavement.

And of course, that made the headlines a few days later.

They both decided that maybe it would be best if he attended alone.

“Well, Jessika Pava came alone too, maybe you could make some moves and sit together,” she gave him a flirtatious wink. Ben smiled politely but did not answer. 

“ _ Boooo! _ ” Poe bellowed, hands cupped around his mouth. “Mind your own business, Shelley!”

They all cackled at that.

The ceremony itself dragged on for quite a bit. 

Then, two actors from a popular cop drama Rey had never watched but saw ads for, stood at the microphone. 

“And the nominees for Outstanding Host of a Reality or Competition Program are…”

“This is it! This is it!” Rey leaned forward excitedly.

The others giddily grabbed at each other, all four now leaning forward. When they announced Ben’s name and showed him sitting in the audience, they all cheered, as if he could actually hear them through the television. 

The four of them gripped hands across the couch, each giving their own little prayer.

“And the winner is…” said the actress, tugging at the envelope. She read the card, giving a little squeal. “Ben Solo,  _ First Order: World View! _ ”

The shrieking and cries that erupted from them could probably be heard from space. Popcorn flew into the air as they leapt from the couch, the bowl falling to the floor with a loud clatter, everyone screaming and jumping and hugging each other. 

The announcer prattled off some information about Ben and the show as his stunned, bashful gait moved up from his seat, down the aisle and onto the steps of the stage. The actress handed him the Emmy with a kiss to the side of his face. He looked so pale, dragging a hand through his hair as he blew out a sigh.

Rey laughed, covering her mouth with her hand.  _ Oh God, I hope he doesn’t actually puke. _

They quieted as he nervously swallowed before the microphone.

“Thank you, this is truly an honor to stand here and accept this award. I do so on behalf of everyone who works tirelessly making World View the great show that it is. For all of those who give up time with their families and friends, to travel the world and somehow make me look good.” Chuckles spread throughout the crowd and Rey grinned, hands clasped over her heart. 

She was so proud of him she could burst. 

“Thank you to Leonard Snoke for seeing potential in a temperamental kid from Hannah City, thank you to the staff and crew back at the First Order restaurant and thank you to my friends watching back home. I love you and I wouldn’t be standing here if it weren’t for your continued patience and support.” He took a deep breath. “I want to dedicate this award to my mother, Chef Leia Organa. I didn’t fully understand the lessons she had taught me in her too-short life until it was too late. She instilled a love for the culinary arts in me at a young age, and for that, I am eternally grateful,” he gave a small nod, and a bashful smile, as he backed away from the mic and mouthed-  _ I love you, Sweetheart _ .

Rey’s knees nearly swept out from under her. Had she just imagined that? Ben waved a hand in the air as he walked off stage.

Rey turned to Rose with her mouth hanging open. 

“ ‘Member when I told you you had to hit that?” Rose winked, tucking her cheek in with a smile, making a  _ ‘tick’ _ noise as she tipped her chin towards Rey. “You’re welcome.”

She wished that she had gone with him.

Now, sitting with Poe and Finn, Rey reached forward, spreading a healthy portion of brie across a cracker. She debated attempting to bite it in half but then decided to just stuff the whole thing in her mouth instead. She finished chewing before she spoke.

“I can’t wait,” she told them, reaching forward for some grapes. “This is going to be the best weekend ever!”

 

                                                                         ***

 

Ben sat, once again stuck in an endless conference with shareholders and businessmen, all shifting in their hot, uncomfortable suits, as they listened to a  _ First Order _ numbers guy rattle off all of their accomplishments over the past year. 

He was proud, that was certain. They had done some amazing things, Emmy win aside. His books held strong in their  _ Times _ best sellers spots, they had launched a food delivery box that had been wildly successful, his line of cast iron pans had sold out during the madness of Black Friday and he was now set to launch yet another season of  _ World View _ . His seat on the  _ Plated  _ judges panel had been replaced by another young chef, he had handpicked himself, Ben being grateful for the chance to free up some personal time.

Despite Snoke’s clear disapproval of his and Rey’s relationship, he still managed to find ways to find time for her whenever possible. Even if it just meant driving the three hours home to sleep in her bed, wake up beside her in the morning and make her breakfast, only to drive back a few hours after. 

It was worth it. Every time. 

He smiled, thinking about the weekend he flew her out to meet him in Cuba. 

It had been a hustled affair of sorts. She could only sneak away for a few days midweek. He booked her flight and somehow managed to arrange his filming schedule so that he could slip away to the airport, unnoticed.

She crashed into him at top speed. Leaped into his arms and he caught her with a grunt as her legs wrapped around his waist. She kissed him, on his mouth, on his forehead, on his cheeks. He couldn’t help but laugh and squeeze her tighter.

“Oh my  _ god _ this is amazing,” she breathed between kisses. “I missed you so much.”

They drank Saoco’s out of freshly cracked coconuts in the hot sun and ate crab cooked right on the beach with their bare hands. Her skin grew tanned and freckled quickly, his favorite being the cute patch of dots that appeared, spattered across her nose and cheeks. He, of course, got a sunburn. But she was there to gently rub aloe into his skin at night and soothe him with cool washcloths. 

When he filmed, she was off to the side, watching him with a mixture of awe and adoration. She asked hundreds of questions to the film crew, all of whom answered her excitedly, happy to have someone new to discuss their passion with. 

His favorite moment was when the two of them were sunbathing the scorching afternoon he got his burn. 

She frowned, gently pulling aside the corner of her bathing suit top. 

“I’m getting horrible tan lines,” she murmured, looking down.

He shrugged, turning his face to her in his slightly inclined position beside her.

“Take your top off.”

Her head snapped over to him as if he were absolutely insane.

He smiled wickedly because now that the idea was out there, it was all he wanted to see. 

“It’s a private resort. The rest of the crew are working on post-prod… it’s just us out here...” he said as he lifted his eyebrows suggestively, nodding towards her. “Give my two favorite ladies some freedom.”

Rey grinned back at him, sitting up and swinging her legs over to the side of her lounge chair. 

“I thought Sheila was your favorite lady?”

Ben hummed in thought. “You’re right, but Blanche and Diane are my close running seconds.”

She tossed her head back in laughter, causing him to laugh as well. He gestured to her to move over to his chair.

“C’mon, I’ll help you.”

She bit down on her smile before standing and moving over to his chair. Kneeling on either side of his hips, she straddled him, comfortably settling in on top of him. His hands roved over her thighs, across her stomach, up to her waist and ribs. She began to rock against him gently and he moaned, sitting up, pulling her closer to him as he kissed at her throat. She was salty from sweat and the wetness and heat between their bodies was too much for him to control himself.

He pulled at the ties to her top, first the one at her back, then the one around her neck. The flimsy fabric fell between them, as he generously palmed at one breast, sucking at the other. 

Rey moaned, suddenly not at all concerned with the aspect of being topless anymore.

Fevered, he reached below the band of his shorts, pulling himself out, solid and at full attention. He guided the patch of fabric keeping her from him to the side, gently sinking her down on top of him. She sighed, head falling to his shoulder, as she mouthed at his slick skin.

“I love you,” she purred, rocking against him.

Ben shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Just thinking about her wet, glistening skin and the motion of her hips was threatening to make him hard now. 

God, he couldn’t wait until she was back in his arms. 

Suddenly, everyone around him was applauding. Snoke was making his way to the podium, waving a hand to the crowd. Ben joined the applause, unsure of what he had missed.

When he finally got behind the platform, the room fell into an anticipated hush. Snoke nodded, his arms out, as he gripped the sides of the box before him.

“It’s true. We have had a wonderful year. The hard work and determination of this company’s employees goes unmatched by any other. But there is still more work to be done,” Snoke's eyes shifted to him in the front row, cold and cunning.

Suddenly, Ben was struck by an ill feeling.

“It’s time to take this dynasty to the next level,” he raised an arm, gesturing to the once unnoticed blank screen behind him.

A logo flashed onto it, bold and absolute. It was like a period, punctuating the end of a sentence. Final. That was it. 

Ben stared up at it with wide eyes.

“I introduce to you,  _ The First Order Network! _ ”     

The crowd stood, erupting into applause. Ben remained in his seat, slack-jawed and stunned.

He looked over to Kaydel, who was sitting to his right, her brow knitted, clapping slowly as if she were just catching up herself. She turned to him, frowning.

_ Even she didn’t know. _

Something was definitely amiss. Ben stood slowly, clapping along for the sake of social courtesy. 

“A network run exclusively to promote and advance the _ First Order _ brand,” Snoke’s smile was crooked now, sneering with a sense dominance. The picture behind him changed, showing a series of logos, twelve in total. “With new shows in the works and a private filming studio in Burbank, California,” he continued, clutching his hand into a fist. “This will be a move that will put  _ First Order _ onto the same playing field as Disney and NBCUniversal.” The crowd was practically roaring now, and Ben almost risked covering his ears. It was deafening.  

How had he not known about this? How could something this big have been missed?

Once again he looked to Kaydel, who was still frowning and clapping, looking over the screen before them.

“And at the helm, no one other than my most trusted and successful protege,” Snoke's smile now was nothing but pure evil. Everything came crashing down around Ben in a flurry of horrifying realization and chaos.

“Ben Solo.” 

Ben couldn’t even hear his own thoughts as the room became deafening around him. The only thing he could focus on was Snoke’s cruel grin and his cold, unblinking eyes.

                                                                      ***

 

After the shock of it wore off, the anger settled in.

Ben pounded his fist onto the hard wooden door of Snoke’s room. He hit it so hard he thought blood might drip from his hand when he put it by his side.

“SNOKE!” He bellowed, fuming. 

The door swung open, the withered old demon looked up at him with an amused smile.

“Solo,” he drawled.

“Don’t you fucking Solo me, you piece of  _ shit! _ ” Ben snapped, stomping past him in a fit of rage. He paced the room like a caged animal. “What the fuck was that! What the fuck is going on! A production company? _ A network? Relocation? _ How am I just hearing about this now?” Ben roared.

Calmly, Snoke closed the door. 

“You found out about it just as I wanted you to find out about it,” he stated. He made his way over to a huge mahogany desk that looked like it could have easily been a priceless antique. 

Ben gaped at him, his blood throbbing in his veins. 

_ I could kill him _ , he thought, wildly. It would be worth it to sit in jail for the rest of his life. 

“Have a seat,” Snoke gestured, as he sat in a high back chair, cushioned with velvet. 

“ _ Fuck you! _ ” Ben spat, quite literally, his rage so unbridled, spittle actually sprung forth from his mouth. He dragged the back of his arm across his lips. “You can’t fucking  _ do this! _ You don’t  _ own _ me! You can’t just make fucking decisions in regards to _ my _ life and not let me have a single say in it!” He figured any moment now, security would be beating down the door, attempting to stifle the argument. 

“Have a seat,” Snoke said again, this time sharper. 

Ben shook his head, still stalking back and forth.

“I’m not doing it.  _ I’M DONE!” _ He shouted violently, suddenly coming to an abrupt stop. “I’m breaking my contract and you can shove it up your  _ ass!” _

Snoke surveyed him blandly. He produced a manila folder, holding it up for Ben, before flicking it in front of him. It landed on the desk with a soft ‘pat’.

“You break your contract and I will no longer keep you or your girlfriend out of the trash rags.”

Ben stared down at the envelope, knowing whatever was in there couldn’t be good. 

“Sit down,” Snoke told him, coldly.

Anger swiftly turning into dread, Ben moved to the chair before the desk on shaky legs. He collapsed on it and reached forward with trembling hands seizing the folder, his adrenaline still raging. 

He held it in his lap for a moment, before looking back at Snoke.

The old man’s face could have been stone. 

“Go on,” he waved his old, bony hand towards Ben. 

Inside was the mock-up for the front page of a tabloid called _ Gossip.  _ Before him was a blurry picture of him and Rey, clearly taken with a long-distance lens. It was from Cuba. Her side and back, nude from the waist up, a blurred black dot covering her the nipple of her breast as she straddled him on a deck chair. 

_ Oh God. _

 

 **Chef’s hot weekend in Cuba!** **The** **sexy reunion inside!**

 

Ben could feel the bile rising up from his stomach as the color drained from his face.

He turned to the next page.

Him and Rey, walking in opposite directions. A picture of Jessika Pava between them. 

 

**Did he cheat? Rumors abound about Chef Solo and Jessika Pava at the Emmy’s. Girlfriend stays home, heartbroken.**

 

Ben blinked down, shaking his head in disbelief. He flipped to the last image and frowned.

A photo of a boy and a girl, most likely yearbook photos. Teenagers he didn’t recognize, taken a couple of decades ago. 

But then he saw it. In the shape of the young girl's eyes, in the familiar bow of the boy's mouth.

 

**Troubled couple die, killing a family of five in tragic drunk driving accident after running drug ring out of neighborhood flat.**

 

He was going to be sick.

He closed the folder, taking a few deep breaths, screwing his eyes shut.

“Why are you doing this?” He couldn’t bring his voice above a whisper. When he opened his eyes again, Snoke was staring back at him.

“I am protecting my investment,” he said as he leaned forward, cold and watery blue eyes threatening. “You have four years left on your contract and you will complete it down to the very moment it runs out. You signed your life to me, Ben Solo. You are not getting out. I  _ do _ own you.”

For the first time in his life when he should have erupted in anger, raged, cursed and maybe strangled the man before him out of desperation, Ben sat back, limp and hopeless.

He had done this to himself. There was nothing left to feel but sorrow. 

He looked down at the two pictures of the smiling teens. Rey’s parents. Parents she maybe thought were still alive. Parents she hoped made a choice for the better. Parents that turned out to be degenerate criminals who not only killed themselves in a reckless act but also took an innocent family with them. 

No matter how this panned out, Rey was going to end up hurt.

He clenched his eyes shut again, unwilling to bring himself to tears in front of the vile man who sat before him.

No. He had done this to himself. He had done this to Rey. Now, he had to protect her in the only way he could, and it was going to destroy them both. 


	17. I Will Always Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And here we are...
> 
> "Bitter-sweet memories  
> That's all I'm taking with me  
> Good-bye, please don't cry  
> 'Cause we both know that I'm not  
> What you need"  
> \- [Dolly Parton](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDqqm_gTPjc)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks always to [JenysNest](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenfysNest) fer makin me look smert.
> 
>  

The excitement on the morning of Poe and Finn’s wedding had Rey up early, ready to get the day started. Rose picked her up and they excitedly drove a few miles out of the city to the venue, an old mansion that was once home to some famous author in the 1800’s. 

Rumored to be haunted, the grounds were supposed to be like taking a time machine and stepping into the lush life of a Gilded Age aristocrat. The boys had shown her pictures of the place, but pulling up to it, she and Rose both let their mouths drop open.

“Holy hell,” Rose breathed. 

They parked in guest parking, pulling out their plastic-wrapped dresses and Ben’s suit, overnight bags, and a load of other things they needed, and made their way up the crunching bleached stones of the gravel path to the main house.

Once inside, they were lead to the “Bridal room”, where Poe and Finn sat, sipping mimosas.

“Hey!” Rose exclaimed, hanging her dress up, before shucking the thin plastic liner away. “It’s bad luck to see each other before the ceremony on your wedding day.”

Finn stood, rolling his eyes and picking up a piece of fruit from the platter before them. 

“That’s some straight people shit.” He kissed Rey on her cheek as he embraced her, then moved to Rose. Rey grabbed a strawberry from the plate, eyeing the mini quiches and pastries also available, before leaning down to give Poe a kiss on the cheek.   

“Eat,” he told her, motioning to the table. She plucked a flaky looking cheese danish from the plate as he poured her a mimosa, then passed it to her. “Drink.”

Rose grabbed a broccoli mini quiche and bit into it, gladly accepting her own mimosa from Poe. 

“What time is Ben getting in?” he asked.

Rey pulled her phone from her back pocket, sneaking a look to the screen.

“Should just be landing soon,” she said, slipping it back and looking around the room. “This place is amazing…”

“Wanna take the tour?” Poe offered excitedly. Rey and Rose both nodded enthusiastically.

“Quick tour,” Finn told them. “The hair and make-up people will be here soon.” He leaned forward as Poe passed him, giving him a kiss on the lips. “I’ll wait here for Angela. Don’t lose him on me,” he wagged a finger as the trio bounced out the door. 

In the hallway, Rose squealed, joyously skipping sideways beside them and they walked quickly through the stark white hallways, brightly sunlit and domed with arched crown molding. Their shoes tapped and squeaked on the shiny bone-colored marble floor beneath them.

“You’re getting married today!”

Poe was nothing but radiant. His smile stretched ear-to-ear.

So did Rey’s.

They bounced down a huge blood-red staircase, into a columned foyer and out through a series of French doors, depositing them on a gorgeous stone veranda with various people scurrying about. Some carried flowers, others linens, and chairs. Before them stretched rows of sweet-smelling gardens and huge emerald hedges, not one, but two fountains, and beyond that, green rolling hills and a bright, blue sky.     

Rey gasped. “This is perfect,” she said, dreamily.

Poe excitedly moved to the corner of the huge patio, arms out. “Dance floor will be here, open bar here. Cocktail hour will be down in the main garden and dinner will be in the formal dining room.” He paused, with a slight frown. “I wanted dinner outside, but party pooper was afraid of bugs.”

“Where’s the chocolate fountain going?” Rey teased.

Poe narrowed his eyes, “Touchy subject.”

Rey laughed and took a sip of her mimosa.

Rose jumped forward and pulled him into a cinching hug around his waist. 

“This is going to be the best day ever!” she said excitedly through gritted teeth.

When they turned and headed back to the room to get ready, Rose grinned at her, linking her arm and whispering, “We’ll be doing all of this for you two next,” in a sing-song tone. 

Rey smiled. Rose had no idea how close to the truth that may be. She hadn’t told anyone about the almost proposal or about that day in his kitchen. She had a feeling that if it were up to Ben, he would have gladly driven her to a courthouse and made it official a long time ago. 

But Ben was been prone to levels of extremity. Passionate and sometimes compulsive. He loved big. His feelings ran deep under that cold and placid demeanor he fooled others with. Hell, he had even fooled her for a while.  

She, on the other hand, tended to be more cautious. She raised herself on cautious. Always planning. Needing the comfort of certainty before moving forward.

After all, they had only been together for eight months. Really together. Not, friends with benefits or pining for each other secretly. That was not enough time. It would be crazy to assume that being engaged would strengthen anything.

Yet…

Somewhere, deep down, the more she thought about it, the more she was slowly coming around to the idea.

 _My husband_ \- she imagined herself saying in a silly girlish daydream. _Oh, let me introduce you to my husband_ or _my husband made the dinner reservations, let me check with him._ A million different mundane scenarios from him mowing the lawn, to talking to strangers, to picking up his dry cleaning (not that she ever would have to, but still) where she would be able to tell someone he was her husband until the word became soft and worn like old leather. 

She mentally snorted at herself. She might as well be writing their names in a notebook, surrounded by hearts. Her name with his surname over and over again.

Rey Solo. Rey Solo. Rey Solo.

Yet that gave her a certain feeling of warm internal comfort that she couldn’t quite identify.

Maybe admitting the fact that becoming Rey Solo was something she actually wanted, would be the first step to being ready for the next time.

Because there was definitely going to be a next time. She doubted he could even make it two years. At best, she would give it another six months. And by then… maybe....

 

  

                                                                                                                        ***

 

  

Ben melted into the soft leather seats of his chauffeured car with a sigh. It was already a vast improvement from the small and cramped seat of the jumper plane he had to take from JFK to the tiny Hannah City airport.

He had to pull himself out of this mood. Had to put on a good face for his friends. For Rey. There was nothing more he could do now. He had to make sure his bad news did not spoil what was supposed to be Finn and Poe’s day.

He was still unsure of how he was going to accomplish that, exactly. He was an emotional pendulum, swinging from blind rage to crippling sorrow, back and forth, for the last 24 hours. The unfairness being taken over by the dread, the melancholy slowly rolling into black and thundering fury. He wanted to scream and cry and punch something, or maybe curl into a ball and weep pathetically on the floor, depending on the moment. It was exhausting.  

The dread was currently consuming him. Eating up his gut in a hungry, bleak rage.

Rey would take one look at him and know something was amiss. She just would. No matter how he tried to hide it, she would see. She could read him now. Knew him in ways he didn’t even know himself.

He knew what he had to do, he just wasn’t sure he had the strength to do it. It didn’t help that every fiber of his being was screaming out, resisting the inevitable, protesting in shrieks and howls.

Life without Rey. How was he going to do it? After all that they had been through. How was he going to move across the country and leave her again?

But he had to, didn’t he?

He had run down every scenario in his head. He could ask her to come with him, but that wouldn’t work. Snoke still loomed over every detail of his life and she would be in a strange place, no friends, no job. Just sitting at home every night, waiting for him. That was unfair and selfish to even entertain. 

He could break his contract anyway. Leave _First Order_ and not look back. Pay an expensive lawyer to go after Snoke. Undoubtedly, that would leave him penniless, and that would be fine. But the pictures… he still had the pictures. The idea of Rey being smeared like that all over magazine covers, poking out at the end cap of every grocery store checkout lane, out and exposed at every newsstand in every city and town… just imagining it, almost made him wretch. He couldn’t even entertain what would be said about her on the internet. 

And then her parents. He didn’t even know where to begin with that. He was going to have to tell her someday, but he couldn’t bear the thought of her finding out through a rag magazine. 

The whole Jessika Pava thing was just ridiculous. He had never even spoken to the girl. Yet, he could see it clearly in his mind, spiraling out, being fed perhaps by Snoke himself. Rumors, photoshopped pictures. It didn’t even seem like reality.

But it was. His reality.

By the time he got to the venue, he had just enough time to rush to the room they were all supposed to get ready in (but was empty, thankfully) grab his suit and run to the room he and Rey were sharing for the night, to take a quick shower and get dressed. 

When he unzipped his garment bag, he found a note inside.

 

**I can’t wait to see you in this :)**

 

He smiled and then it collapsed into a frown. 

 _Fuck._ This was going to be impossible.

Now more familiar than he liked to be with tuxedos, he was showered, quaffed, and out of the room door in under twenty minutes. 

He put on his best poker face, telling himself he just had to make it through tonight. If he made it through tonight, actually enjoyed his time with her, he could find the strength to do what he had to tomorrow. 

Then he saw her.

She stood, blissfully unaware, chatting with Finn at the bottom of the staircase. Draped in a soft purple gown that made her look like she just descended from the heavens on a cumulus. Her hair nearly brushed her shoulders now, pulled half up in a crown of braids and curls and small pretty flowers. She was smiling. She was beautiful.

The air was ripped from Ben’s lungs as he turned quickly, hopefully unnoticed, clutching at his chest.

He was sure he heard his heart crack. It felt like it was literally splitting in half. He clenched his eyes shut, needing the wall to hold him up, as he fought back what felt like an internal collapse of his ribcage.

He heard a gasp.

“Oh my God, _Ben!”_ Rose exclaimed, rushing to his side, stooping down under his arm to look up at his face. He gasped for breath as she clutched at the arm holding his chest. “What’s going on? Do I need to call an ambulance?” She spurted out, wide-eyed and terrified.

He shook his head, unable to stop the sudden flow of tears that erupted from him with a sob. 

“Shit, Rosie…” he cracked weakly, covering his mouth with his hand.

“Okay, okay, okay,” Rose tried to sooth him without panic, in which she failed miserably. “Okay,” she said one last time, gently pulling at him, leading him towards the ladies room door close by. He followed without protest and once inside, she deposited him on a high backed chaise lounge and immediately ran to the vanity mirror to get a tissue box.  

He held his head in his hands, elbows on knees, and let out a few more wretched sobs before he sat back, taking a deep breath.

Horrified, Rose offered him the box of tissues, to which he reached over and took a few. He would have laughed at her expression if he didn’t feel like an anvil had landed on his chest.

Over the years she had seen him erupt. Seen him haul dishes across the room, scream strings of obscenities that would make sailors blush, but she had never seen him cry. Not even at Leia’s funeral. She had _certainly_ never seen him become a massive sniveling heap of heartbreak. 

“Thanks,” he muttered, blowing his nose.

Gently, Rose took a seat beside him, offering more tissues if he needed them.

“Ben,” she started softly, soothingly. She reached over, lightly touching his jacket sleeve. “Whatever is going on, you can tell me…”

Ben let another calming deep breath out of his nose, glancing at her sideways. He swallowed, nodding to himself before he spoke.

“I have to break up with Rey,” he said quietly.

Rose sharply gasped, her small hands flying to her mouth. She winced, obviously realizing that her reaction did not help. 

“Sorry, I - _why?”_  

He debated telling her the next part. Rose was notorious for being a terrible secret keeper. She couldn’t even make it to Christmas day without somehow spoiling all of her gifts for their receivers. Still somehow, he knew this one she would keep. This one was too big.

“Snoke is blackmailing me. He’s starting this fucking network and he’s forcing me to move to California and if I don’t, if I break my contract, he’s going to release pictures of me and Rey in… a compromising situation.

Another sharp gasp from Rose.

“Like _sex_ pictures?” she whispered.

He closed his eyes.

“Yes, like sex pictures.”

Another sharp gasp. 

“And… he’s going to start rumors about me and some stupid actress-”

“Which actress?”

He gave her a sharp look, “Does it matter?”

She gave a sideways glance and a shoulder shrug.

Ben sighed deep again. 

“And… he found out who Rey’s parents were.”

Yet another sharp gasp from Rose.

“ _Please_ stop doing that!”

“I’m sorry!” she blurted, her mouth still hanging open from shock. She shook her head, eyes still wide, unbelieving. “This is all _so much!_ ” 

Then she jumped up in a swirl of light purple and fury. 

“We have to stop him!” she exclaimed, her silver strapped sandals clicking on the tile floor as she moved back in forth in front of him. “We- we have to… find something, _anything_ , flip the blackmail back on him!”

Ben sagged back against the couch.

“It’s impossible. He has an army of people working for him. Whatever smarmy things he’s done, it’s already been sealed in carbonite.”

“Carbonite can be melted, Ben,” Rose pointed out sternly.

At that, the corner of his lips ticked up. Rosie, so much more clever than anyone ever gave her credit for.

“Okay,” he offered, leaning forward once again. “Even if I could get something on him, even if I could take him down- _hell_ , even if the fucker were to just croak, lord knows he’s ancient - it will take _time_. And I don’t have that. I have to go to California in two weeks.”

Rose winced. “Fuck,” she muttered bitterly.

She chewed at her cheek in thought for a few moments. Then she lifted a finger as if coming to a solution.

“Is there anyone else on the inside that you trust?”

Ben immediately scoffed, but then hesitated.

“Maybe,” he paused, thinking about Kaydel’s confused eyes as she looked back at him during the Vancouver conference. “It - it would be a huge risk for her but…” He had never actually asked Kaydel if she enjoyed her job. How she felt about Snoke or if she was in the career she had actually picked for herself. Maybe there was something more there that he had been previously blind to?

Hope rose within him. He stood too, suddenly inspired. Nodding, he started to retrace Rose’s steps, his two to what would have been her four.

“She’s smart, has access to all kinds of information and would actually know where to look for it…” he stopped, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

“Maybe she’s just as miserable as you?” Rose offered, helpfully.

Ben nodded. Then he lifted Rose up, giving her a little twirl, before catching her in a big, thankful hug. She giggled against his shoulder. 

“See!” she told him, beaming back up at him once he set her down. She gave him a playful punch to the arm. “Sometimes it helps if you actually _talk_ to people about your problems!”

He replied with a smirk. He felt better, but... 

“This doesn’t solve the California problem.”

Rose frowned, “No, it doesn’t. You’re still going to have to tell her that.” 

Ben groaned, clapping his hand to his forehead.

“It’s going to break her heart.”

“It is,” Rose said, honestly.

The deep weight of foreboding was back, quickly sinking in his gut like lead to the bottom of the ocean.

“What did you find out about her parents?” Rose asked softly, looking back to him cautiously.

“They were criminals. Drug dealers and users. They died in a DUI accident and killed a family of five.”

Rose’s mouth dropped open into an aghast ‘o’. 

“Jesus…”

“She can’t know about any of this, Rose. Promise me. I’ll tell her someday, but she can’t find out because Snoke is hellbent on getting his way. It’s not right. And she can’t… she can’t just wait around for me. This plan could take months, maybe years. It might not work at all,” he finished, miserably.

Rose swallowed. She looked like she might protest but instead, nodded.

“I won’t say a word. I promise,” she said firmly, a serious look on her face as she offered up her hooked pinky.

Amused, Ben linked his with hers and they shook.

“And we’ll be here to take care of her while you are gone, which hopefully won’t be for too long,” she added. She shook her head, bitterly. “I want nothing more than to make that shriveled up old fucker pay for messing with my Reylo.”

Ben laughed and pulled her in for another hug.

“Me too, Rosie. Me too.”

  
  


                                                                                                                                  ***

  
  


Much to her dislike, Ben didn’t appear until mere moments before they had to walk down the aisle leading into the gardens. 

He and Rose came around the hedges, him jogging and her holding onto her hair, as if it would fall apart, her bridesmaids dress drifting behind her in a pretty, but ghostly kind of way.

He kissed her before she could chastise him. 

“Sorry, Rose had to help me with something,” he whispered.

“Thought you were leaving me at the altar, Ben Solo,” she whispered, playfully, threading her arm through his. His mouth twisted in such a way she wasn’t sure if he was smirking or not. He gently rested his other hand on her forearm, looking ahead. The music started and they stepped forward.

It felt surreal. She was literally walking down the aisle with Ben.

She looked at him. Absolutely stunning in his perfect black bow tie, inked waves of ebony and gentle smile.

She wondered if he was thinking the same thing. About them doing this again someday, but instead of leading the procession, closing it, dressed in black and white.

He looked over to her and gently squeezed her forearm.

She smiled. Yes. Yes, he probably was.

They parted, her coming to stand behind Finn and he behind Poe.

As Poe and Finn said their vows, Rey could feel the tears welling in her eyes. Her happiness was running over. Her heart was so full it made her feel like she was floating.

She looked at Ben standing across from her. He was watching Finn and Poe with a pinch of sadness on his features. Those deep, caramel pools shining soft and thoughtful in the afternoon sun, as their two best friends promised their love to each other. 

Rey felt something rising in her she had surely always known, but was finally ready to confront head on.

She wanted to be with him. Now and forever. Wanted to share a vow with him, promise herself to him, never cast a passing glimpse at another man for as long as they both shall live. She wanted to proudly wear a symbol of their union on her hand, to let everyone know she had chosen him.

That she was his wife.

It was a quiet dawning, like watching the sun slowly rise. It was so soft and glowing, she wondered how she had ever managed to stifle it before.

Of course it would be Ben. It had always been Ben.

Finn almost accidentally put the ring on Poe’s wrong hand and made a joke that sent laughter skittering through the crowd.

She laughed too, and Ben’s eyes shifted to hers and she felt the warmth of her love for him ripple through her. A smile tugged on her lips, and she hoped that in this moment, he was thinking the same thing.

His brows drew together slightly and he had to look away from her as his own tears began to well in his eyes.

She chuckled despite the tears finally letting loose as she tried her best to swipe them away. 

Who would have known that Ben Solo cried at weddings?

  
  
  


                                                                                                                          ***

  
  


The rest of the night flew by in a flash of pictures, laughter, wine, a shockingly wonderful dinner (Poe had warned him that the caterer was “shitting bricks” about him being in attendance, thus Ben made sure to seek her out and tell her how amazing everything was) and before he knew it, the lights were dimmed and they were all gathering before a small stage outside.

Beside him, Rey grinned.

Poe threw an arm around him, also grinning.

“Ready for the surprise?”

Ben wasn’t sure. On stage a man sat at a short piano and began playing the very familiar quick tempo of _9 to 5._

Then, a tiny woman, blonde hair teased high, wearing a skin-tight blue fashioned Scully dress, covered in sequins, walked out onto the stage carrying a guitar.

“Holy shit…” Ben muttered.

“YES!” Rose screamed, throwing her arms in the air with a jump, joining in the excited applause from the rest of the crowd. 

Ben looked to Poe, slack-jawed. 

“You hired a Dolly Parton impersonator for your wedding?” Ben chuckled.

The small woman started singing and damn, Ben had to admit he was impressed.

Poe sang the lyrics to him via his fist as a fake microphone. Finn jumped in behind him as Rose and Rey twirled and danced with each other, all jumping up to yell out the chorus of “ _working nine to five!_ ” 

“This is AWESOME!” Rey yelled, gripping his hand and swaying, her billowy dress twisting in her movement.

He smiled.

“Let’s go up front!” Rose grabbed her hand, beginning to pull her through the crowd. Rey tried to take him too, but he let her hand go. She looked back at him. 

“You go,” he tried to smile reassuringly.

A shadow of a frown flashed over her face, but she turned and followed Rose.

Ben let out a sigh of relief.

He thought that possibly, just maybe, he was pulling it off. Just a few more hours to go and…

And they would be alone in their room. Where she was definitely going to want to rip off his clothes and he… he would what? Pretend to have a headache?

Damn it.

Poe clapped a hand on his shoulder.

“You with us, Benny?”

Ben nodded, distantly. Then he shook his head.

“Actually, I’m going to go for a walk, I’m not feeling so great.”

“Don’t puke in the gardens, the cleanup deposit is astronomical,” Poe warned him, eyeing him carefully.

Ben huffed a laugh and turned.

“No promises, but I’ll spot you the fee if it happens,” he took off, away from the noise and lights and the crowd, towards the lantern-lit pathway that led to the gardens. 

He just needed some air.

He walked quietly, lost in his head, hardly paying attention to the sweet, high voice that drifted through the branches and leaves that surrounded him. His shoes made soft noises against the grit of the gravel underfoot. The path before him was cast in blue hue, from the waxing moon and the lights that surrounded the stage. Behind him the crowd whistled and cheered, and Dolly started up with _Here You Come Again_. 

Ben groaned. Fitting.

Here he came again. The bulldozer of a human into Rey’s life.

He approached the clearing of the fountain, the softly dribbling water babbling up stories for a century in this quiet, sacred spot.

He moved forward to the circular fountain, stopping at the ring of stones and flowers that framed it. Looking down at the rippling water his brain felt like a battering ram, relentlessly slamming him with guilt and regret, anger, and longing that his current reality was just a dream.

A nightmare, really.

Maybe Rose was right. Maybe Kaydel would help him. Maybe he could take down the whole _First Order_ empire and walk away from the ashes. He didn’t care if he got charred and burnt, as long as Rey got out unscathed. 

A chill ripped up his spine. He felt her before he heard her.

“Ben?” 

He turned, and he knew by her face the jig was up.

She stood between the dark hedges looking like an apparition. Like the ghost of a tragic and beautiful young woman, perhaps written by the author this very mansion and garden was built for. Her skin was pale and smooth in the moonlight, her dress moving slightly in a breeze he wasn’t sure actually existed.

A deity. Artemis, perhaps in search of her misplaced bow.  

She stepped forward, eyes big and soft.

“Hey,” she started softly. He swallowed down the knot in his throat and forced himself to turn away from her. He was not going to cry. He was not going to do this here. 

Her fingers curled gently into the fabric at the arm of his suit coat and he screwed his eyes shut, turning his face away.

Drifting through the air, a dreamy light voice danced on the breeze.

 

_If I should stay, I would only be in your way-_

 

Ben turned his face to the sky.

“Are you kidding me?” he whispered pitifully, his eyes opening up to silently curse at the stars and milky white clouds and whatever god he angered in this life or the last.

Her hand spread out on his side, feeling warm and comforting through the fabric of his shirt. She gently turned him towards her, as she folded herself into his chest.

“What’s going on with you?” she whispered quietly, her cheek resting against his chest, arms wrapping themselves around his waist. It was soul soothing. He returned the hug, holding her tight to him, reveling in the comfort of her, his chin coming to rest at the top of her head.

 

_I'll think of you every step of the way-_

 

They didn’t move, although it occurred to Ben that in any other circumstances, they would probably be slow dancing to this right now.

 

_And I will always love you-_

 

Rey tilted her chin up to him, resting it on his chest as she looked up to him.

“Don’t bother lying and telling me you’re fine,” she whispered. She gave him a reassuring smile. He smiled back, sadly, lifting his hand to gently brush against her cheek as he lowered his forehead to hers and took a deep breath. 

“I didn’t want to do this tonight,” he began. Inside of him, his stomach felt weightless. He could feel the beginning of his heart slowly cracking, the pieces breaking off, crumbling off into the wind. Rey stiffened under his touch.

He swallowed. Lifting his head, he pulled back, looking down at her, now with both hands cradling her face. He could see it all in her eyes. The fear, the questioning, the hesitation. He told himself that if he didn’t have the courage to tell her while looking her in the eye, he didn’t deserve anything from her ever again. 

“I am being relocated to California,” he said, quietly.

In real-time he watched those beautiful eyes he loved so much become glassy and brimmed with tears.

A sound escaped from her like the dust clouding out of an old book after it had been carelessly thrown down. Soft, curt, a thousand words hitting the air at once with no voice.

Rey pressed her eyes closed, the hurt and pain ripping across her face.

“When?” she asked weakly.

“Two weeks,” his voice broke. He stood there dumbly, still cradling her face in his hands as the hot tears began to slip from her closed eyes into his palms. “I’m sorry,” he cracked, desperately wanting to move, to do something to help the pain he was causing. “I’m so sorry,” was all he could offer, weakly.

A sob escaped her lips as she backed away from him quickly, turning in a whirl of soft rippling lavender. She pressed the back of her wrist to her mouth and doubled over with another sob.

Ben instantly rushed forward to steady her, but her shaking hand shot up to stop him, trembling fingers splayed out, as her other hand fell to her thigh beneath her gown, steadying herself.

“I need a moment,” she rasped, roughly. Shallowly swallowing for air, she looked around, spotting a bench beside a patch of blooming and sweet hydrangeas. She moved to it, collapsing onto it, taking a few deep and steadying breaths. 

The second chorus trilled through the air, high and sweet.

 

_I will always love you-_

 

Tentatively Ben followed, gently lowering himself beside her, watching her the entire time.

She sat back, still trembling, her eyes meeting his.

“How long have you known?” she asked, an undeniable edge to her voice.

He shook his head, helplessly. “Just since yesterday,” he offered weakly. She pinched her eyes shut again.

 

_I hope life treats you kind-_

 

“And there’s nothing you can do?” Her voice broke.

He shook his head, silent.

 

_And I hope you have all you've dreamed of-_

 

She nodded. Then laughed bitterly. 

“Jesus Christ, Dolly. Take it easy on us,” she grumbled, wiping at her cheeks.

Ben chuckled softly. He reached out, his hand covering hers.

“I’m always hurting you,” he said sadly. 

 _Always leaving, always away, always needing to be somewhere else_ , he thought to himself.

Her hand tightened on his fingers. 

“This time I know it’s not your fault,” she said it so softly, he hardly heard her. She shook her head. “He warned me,”

“Who?” he breathed.

She shook her head again, this time harder, her eyes closed tight. 

“I thought you were going to do something crazy,” her voice was so quiet, so low. “I thought you were going to try to propose to me again.”

Dolly’s final chorus rang through the leaves and petals that surrounded them, mixing with the fragrant blends of buttonbush and caryopteris.

 

_I will always love you-_

 

Ben’s was weightless in the most terrifying way. 

“Would you have said yes?” he asked her barely above a whisper.

She opened her eyes and they scored him right down to his very soul. 

“Does it matter now?”

He supposed it didn’t.

And then he felt it. That subtle shift he could feel just like the cool night air on his skin and her soft warm hand in his. Her invisible kinetic pull away from him. His instinct was to scramble for it, like a fumbling child chasing after the string of a rising balloon. Instead, he let it go. 

She was the love of his life. His best friend. The only woman he would ever love. He was certain of it in this very moment. 

And he had lost her again.

He was also certain that she deserved to be free if she wanted to. There was no guarantee he would be able to come back to her. To make this up to her.  

She didn’t deserve this. Never had. He never should have kissed her. Never should have selfishly pursued this thing that he knew could end in disaster.

Rey deserved to have a happy, normal life. Free of scheming bosses and the frothing public. She deserved to meet someone and fall in love again. To walk down the street and not be hounded, to go on vacation and not end up on entertainment websites. 

He was the one who could give her all of that, even if it meant watching her do it with someone else.

She stood, sighing, smoothing out her dress and gently brushing at her face to hide evidence of tears. 

Then, she reached back to him, offering him her hand.

Cheers from the crowd at the mansion drifted again across the cool spring air as they walked, hand and hand, back to the party.

Like they had many times before, they acted like nothing had happened. Smiled and laughed, danced a little even. The overwhelming joy around them polishing the dull and heavy feelings they both were trying to hide.

They said their goodbyes to the elated couple, walked with Rose back to her room, then made their way to their own, quietly slipping into the routine of getting ready for bed.

She plucked the flowers and bobby pins from her hair and he kicked off his shoes, untying his bowtie and draping it over the back of a chair.

She turned, motioning to her dress zipper, and he gently lowered it, watching the fabric slip from her shoulders with the faintest of wisps. He longed to grip those shoulders, feel the heat of her skin with his fingers, his mouth.

He stepped away, turning and unbuttoning his shirt. He tossed it over the chair with the tie and suit coat, reaching for his phone as he heard the faucet running from the bathroom.

  
  


**BEN: I told her.**

**ROSE: Duh**

**ROSE: You two aren’t as good of actors as you think**

  
  


Ben huffed a laugh.

  
  


**ROSE: How is she?**

  
  


Ben looked over his shoulder towards the glowing light of the bathroom.

  
  


**BEN: She’s Rey about it**

**ROSE: We’re gonna sink that fucker**

**ROSE: I swear it**

  
  


He plugged his phone in at the desk and stripped off his pants. He heard Rey snap off the light to the bathroom.

“I’ll sleep on the floor if you want,” he offered, turning to her.

She crossed the room to him bare-breasted, still in her lace panties that matched her dress. 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she told him, rising on her toes, as she cupped his face, bringing her mouth to his.

Ben savored this kiss like no other. The sweet relief of it washing over him.

His tears were leaking again.

“Fuck,” he whispered against her mouth. He sniffed with a small laugh. “I’m going to cry all over you.” He looked down at her, gently touching the slightly coarse, hairsprayed waves with his fingers. 

“It’s okay, I’m going to cry all over you too,” she gave him a small smile.

He kissed her again, hugging her by the waist and lifting her, moving towards the bed.

He left shortly after breakfast the next day.

  
  
  


                                                                                                                         ***

  
  


Kaydel had answered her phone before the second ring. She said she would be there in twenty minutes. 

She was there in fifteen.

“I’m surprised to hear from you today, I thought you’d still be-”

“Snoke is blackmailing me,” he cut her off. He was standing in his kitchen, she hadn’t even gotten down to the end of his hallway.

She stopped short.

“With what?”

Pragmatic. One of his favorite qualities about her.

She slid her bag from her shoulder to the floor.

“Pictures, rumors, personal and highly sensitive information about Rey.”

Nodding, she moved to stand across from him at his counter. She placed her phone down in front of her and sat.

“For what reason?”

“To get me to California. I tried to break my contract,” her eyebrows tipped up at this, but just barely. “He’s claiming that he’s keeping the information from the media and I don’t doubt he’d-”

“Release it if you fight him,” she finished with a sigh.

He nodded, putting his hands on his hips, frowning.

“I broke things off with Rey this weekend-”

“ _What?_ ” she exclaimed, eyes flying wide open.

“I had to! I had to get her away from this! I had to put distance between her and Snoke!”

Kaydel shook her head and disbelief, mouth open.

“But what about the ring?”

“Fuck the ring! It’s sat in the back of my closet for six months surely it can sit there for another-”

“ _Fuck the ring_ ,” she mocked, standing up from her stool. “I went _seven_ different jewelers to find you the perfect shade of champagne, the perfect cushion cut!” She shook her head in disbelief, turning away from him. “Fuck the ring, he tells me…” she muttered to the empty living room.

“Well when this is all done you can have it because I’m pretty sure she’ll just tell me where to shove it,” he said, as he pressed his fingers to his temples with a sigh.

She looked back at him, expression softened, but just barely.

“So,” she folded her arms, her normal bored expression washing over her face. “What exactly do you need from me?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me. 
> 
> As a peace offering here is a link to the real venue I wrote about. I went to a wedding there a couple of years ago and have not stopped dreaming about it since: [The Mount](https://www.edithwharton.org/weddings-2/)
> 
> I am on Twitter being a dweeb @UnderTheCancerMoon


	18. Bruises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I tried to do handstands for you  
> I tried to do headstands for you  
> Every time I fell on you yeah every time I fell  
> I tried to do handstands for you  
> But every time I fell for you  
> I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue  
> For you"  
> \- [ Bruises](https://youtu.be/ZQ9hLOHj8ag) Chairlift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to break up chapter 18 into two parts - Rey's perspective and then Ben's. We're dealing with some time jump elements here, so by the end of chapter 18 prt. 2 you're looking at a year and a half passing. 
> 
> Also, it's gonna hurt guys. 
> 
> BUT THEN IT'S GOING TO BE SO GOOD! I promise. 
> 
> I was advised to update my tags, so please take note.

A lot can happen in a year. 

For instance, one could set personal goals - such as selling at least one house per month, and when exceeding that goal, slowly phase yourself out of the restaurant industry entirely, such as Poe had.

In another case, a person could decide that it had been too long since they had indulged in a passion that was once important to them but then faded into the background when adult life took over. This kind of space could easily be filled by dance classes - couples classes on Wednesdays and beginners ballet on Monday mornings (no partner required). Rey never realized how much she wanted to learn how to foxtrot, rumba, or salsa until Finn had asked if she would want to join him as his partner. For the greater part of a year, they swung, clung, laughed, kicked, shuffled, quick-stepped, and twirled with each other for two hours a week.

There are unexpected things that can change in one’s life, like the decision to return to school, finally putting to rest the fear and doubt of pursuing a mechanical engineering degree. On Rose’s first day back to school, Rey made her pose by the door of her apartment, shouldering her book bag and holding a handwritten sign that said “1st Day of School”, like she had seen other people do for their children on Instagram.    

One could find forgiveness. Take the time to heal a wound that had been open for far too long. 

When Ben told her over the phone that Han had come to see him one random day, she held her breath.

“So, I walk out of my trailer and the security officer tells me that there’s a disgruntled man at the gate, claiming to be my father,” he had her on speakerphone as he sat in the notoriously painful Los Angeles traffic. He would often take this time to call her during his commute. She would normally be floating around her apartment, sometimes making lunch, sometimes studying wine, sometimes cleaning. His voice would fill her apartment through the crystal clear speakers of the Alexa he had purchased her for her 28th birthday (because, of course, he couldn’t come home) which sat perched at the corner of her kitchen island. 

“I walk out and sure enough, it’s Pop, grouchy as ever,” Rey grinned at the use of his father’s nickname. Despite years of animosity, distance, and bitterness, he still used it without thought. He had told her once that it came from when he was little, just learning how to talk. The ‘P’ of the word being easier for him to pronounce than the ‘D’ from Dad, he supposed.

“What did you do?”

Ben let out a deep sigh over the line. She could envision him raking a hand through his hair and she briefly wondered what length it currently was.

“Took him to lunch. Asked him if he was dying.”

She paused, her eyes lifting from the book in her lap, a map of the Mendoza region on the page, to look at the glowing blue rim of the Alexa light.

“Is he?”

Another sigh. “No. He lives outside of San Diego now. He was hoping we could… spend some time together. Try to work on our relationship.”

Rey shifted on the couch, placing the book aside, as she rose up, tucking her legs beneath her, facing the talking tube on her counter with wide eyes.

“Well, are you going to take him up on that?” She really hoped he would.

“Yeah. I think I will.”

In a year, all kinds of things can happen. Things that didn’t even seem like they were something offered on the table, yet when the time arrived, became open and welcomed opportunities for new beginnings. 

Initially, the depression Rey had suffered after her and Ben’s breakup had been different than any other kind she had ever experienced. 

Typically a person who fought back negative thoughts and feelings, it wasn’t often Rey allowed herself to even _be_  depressed, but it would sneak up on her occasionally. 

Sometimes it came in the form of a thick blanket of exhaustion, draped over her shoulders, dragging behind her as wore it around like a thousand-pound cape.

Other times, it rolled violently in and out like summer thunderstorms. One minute the sun was shining and the next the air was heavy and thick, sky dark and ominous, drumming in the air.

This time it was a deadened sense of reality, punctuated randomly by unspeakable spikes of resentment and helplessness. A bruised soul that needed time to heal.  

Mostly, she just wanted to lay around or sleep. Or cry. To wallow, bathe and float in the numbness like an inky, black river. Let the negative feelings stain her skin and wrinkle it like bathwater. She told herself that she was allowed that. She was allowed to feel that way. 

Maybe she should have fought. Maybe she should have screamed, howled and clawed at his tuxedo and begged him to stay. Maybe she should have struck him - cracked her palm right across his face and cursed him from there to eternity for doing this to her yet again. Maybe she should have sunk to the ground - a heaving and weeping mess, making him feel like the most horrible person on earth.

But she was fairly certain he already felt that way.

Besides, what good would it do? He was leaving. She was not.

For a fleeting moment, she imagined packing up and following him to California. She would suck it up. All of it. A new place, Snoke, the relentless pressure his fame put on their existence. She would take it all on for him. But then, just as quickly, she thought about her friends - _no_ , her _family_ \- her training, her job, _her_ life. The one she had built for herself with Ben Solo only being in realistic existence for merely half of it.

And so, he would leave, again, and she would stay.

This was how it was. This was how it had to be. That was reality.

The night of the wedding, once that reality hit, her fevered emotions quickly tempered themselves. There were plenty of tears, hers and Ben’s mixing together as they quietly shed them into each other, a mess of wetness, salt, and impassioned touches. Each trying desperately to memorize the other on that final night in their hotel suite.

His hair threaded through her fingers as she pulled streams of adoration and endless love confessions from his mouth with hers. The cradle of his hands around her head, her neck, as his hard and hot, sweat-slicked body slid against hers. Her legs, gripping for purchase around his hips, his thighs, as her fingers dug into the meat of his ass and she drove him as deep into her as he would go.  

It was wrong to want to punish him further, but she had wanted to show him. What he was missing, what he was choosing - once again, to turn away from.

Ferociously, she overtook him, putting him on his back, her hands pressing roughly into his shoulders as she rode away.  

She wanted to scorch herself so deeply into him - his memory, his skin, his _heart_ \- she’d be as present and visible as a scar. She marked him, and for the rest of his life, everyone would know he was still hers. He could go off and be with a thousand other women, and he would still be hers. After his third marriage, fifth child, whatever life threw at them - it wouldn’t matter. He would never be able to rid himself of her.

His large, warm hands softly drifted down her waist, gently steadying her rocking hips, causing her to pitch forward and rest her forehead to his chest as she wept.  

It was only fair. He had already done the same to her.

There was a part of her that would only ever belong to Ben Solo and it wasn’t something she could become enraged about anymore. It simply existed. A delicate, fragile thing that she chose to hug close, press in and keep safe. It was special, it was theirs.

So, no. There was no use raging and rioting over him leaving this time. He was always going to be with her and she with him.

But she was done living her life waiting for someone to come back to her. Tired of the hurt and pain that had haunted her all through her childhood, into her teens, and then bled into her twenties with Ben. She had spent long enough waiting for him. He had made his choice and it had not been her. 

He had chosen the _First Order_ again. Like Snoke had told her. Like Luke had warned her. Just when she was ready to jump in and be consumed by the flames of their love, he turned his face away from the heat.

There would be no proposal, no address changes, no Rey Solo.

Just Rey and Ben. Separate again and on their own.

He begged her into the dawn light not to let their friendship become stagnant again, like the last time. The closer it came to his departure, the more desperate he became. He clutched her, buried his face into her, touched her everywhere. His words were nonsensical threads of fear and doubt that flowed out of him long after the tears had dried out. 

So, she promised him and meant it.    

Then, she went home and let it consume her. She fell backward into it. Letting the heaviness swirl and bubble up around her as she sank in. 

On Monday night she had her shifts covered for Tuesday and Wednesday.

She mostly ate take out and blindly sat before the television or slept or stared into space.

The text messages rolled in:

 

**FINN: Have you left the house today?**

 

**POE: Hey Sunshine, just checking up on you. Do you want me to bring you some leftovers? Finn made an amazing veggie stir-fry tonight and we have plenty to share.**

 

**ROSE: Please call me. I’m worried about you.**

 

**ROSE: Ben won’t stop texting me. Poe won’t stop texting me. Finn won’t stop texting me!**

 

**ROSE: YOU need to text me!**

 

**BEN: Are you okay? I told the others… I hope you don’t mind. They are worried about you.**

 

**BEN: I’m worried about you**

  
  


She wrote back, vague, one or two-word messages, not really feeling like explaining herself.

She just needed a few days to ride this ugliness out.

That Wednesday, Rey was rudely awakened by the rough pull of the covers off of her body and Poe’s loud, curt voice.

“Nope!”

She groaned, turning her face to her pillow, curling herself onto her side.

“Go away.”

“Nope!” He said again, bundling her comforter and sheet under his arm and depositing it on the floor. “We have let you wallow in this long enough. Today, you are getting up and we are going on an adventure.”

From the kitchen, she could hear rustling and soft curses.

“After I clean this place up,” Finn called. “Seriously Sis, this place is a dumpster fire!”

She groaned again, rolling onto her back, angrily side-eyeing Poe as he watched her, fists on hips, standing at the side of her bed.

“I can’t go anywhere, I look like shit.”

Poe nodded in agreement. “You look like a loaded diaper left in the hot sun,” Rey frowned at him, offended. “Are you still wearing your makeup from the wedding? _Jesus_ Sunshine, get up, or I’ll bring the garden hose in here.”

Rey let out a grumpy sigh before sitting up. Her hair was a tangled greasy mess in a haphazard loose bun that hung off the side of her head. She continued to scowl at Poe.

“I could have been sleeping nude, you know?” 

He grinned, “I am a little disappointed you weren’t, actually.”

To her own surprise, Rey huffed out a laugh as she shifted towards the edge of her bed.

“Pervert.”

“Your favorite.”

With a groan, she stood, and immediately, Poe caught her in a bone-crushing hug.

“I’m so sorry, honey,” he mumbled into her hair. Fresh tears sprung into her eyes as she hugged him back tightly. It felt good and terrible all the same. She sniffed a few times, allowing the tears to fall freely. Poe soothingly petted her hair. 

“No one ever said love was easy,” he pulled back from her with a sad smile, swiping at her face with his thumb. “Especially falling in love with a dipshit like Ben Solo.”

Rey chuckled, nodding her head. 

Thoughtfully, he held her face in his palm.

“You do know he loves you right?”

She nodded, swallowing down the knot in her throat that threatened to choke her.

“And you do know that sometimes, things just aren’t meant to be… no matter how much we wish they were?”

Her face pinched, and she nodded again.

“Okay,” he hushed. He pulled her in, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. “We’ll help you through this, Sunshine. Promise.”

A little bit of the aching that had been clenching Rey’s heart, eased. She nodded, finding herself smiling.

“Good,” Poe smiled back. “Now get in the shower, you smell just as bad as you look,” he teased, sending her off with a pat on the butt.

They took her to lunch at a Mongolian barbeque, then brought her to an arcade, where they were easily the oldest people there by a decade. It wasn’t too long before Rey found herself in relieving and therapeutic stitches of laughter. She and Finn raced side-by-side on plastic street bikes, Poe very blatantly cheated at skeeball, and despite all of them loving to dance, they did nothing but embarrass themselves on the most recent version of Dance-Dance Revolution. Rose met them at the park at dusk with two bottles of champagne wrapped in brown paper bags, and they sat beside the pond, watching the sunset as the bottles passed around them. 

“So, that’s it?” Finn asked, now that the subject had finally been brought up.

Rey sighed heavily, dropping the bottle to rest on her knees. A family of nearly grown ducklings still trailed after their Mama, chattering and gliding across the rippling glassy surface of the pond. That made her smile.

“That’s it,” she said, quietly. “We had a good run.” She thoughtfully picked at the foil around the neck of the bottle, before lifting it to her mouth again.

Rose rested a soft hand on her knee. It felt comforting and warm after the cold bottle.

“Ben will be back,” she told her, reassuringly. “He will always come back for you.”

She blinked back softly at her friend. The hope in her large brown eyes, the soft, urging lift of her brow. If only she still felt that hopeful. Rey reached down and took Rose’s hand, giving it a firm squeeze. 

“Thanks, Rose,” she told her with a small smile. Rose smiled back.

It seemed like in no time, she was back in New York, standing at the threshold of Ben’s apartment - for a short time, _their_ apartment - the night before her two-day Sommelier exam.

It made sense for her to stay here. He had chosen to keep the apartment for his own visits back to the _First Order_ homebase _._ She didn’t want to spend the money on a hotel, and if she were being completely honest, there was a twisted comfort that came from being in this space again.

The majority of the apartment remained the same, save some missing personal items, the television, and the majority of his closet.

She snapped on the light to his office and smiled. 

Neater than the first time she had laid eyes on it, but still a series of piles and scattering of all things Ben. She was glad it was still here. That she had access to it if she needed it. 

She grabbed an old copy of _The Picture of Dorian Gray_ from his bookshelf and put the kettle on for a cup of tea. It was nearly 9:30, and she had to be out of the apartment by 8 am sharp. She had time for a cup and a few chapters. She settled into the soft sinking cushions of the beastly couch, resting the book on her lap as she pulled out her phone and snapped a picture.

 

**REY: Settled in for an early night with Mr. Gray. Thanks for letting me crash**

 

Behind her, the kettle began to whistle. She stood, dropping a tea bag into Ben’s favorite mug, the one from _The Culinary Institute of Dagobah_. She wandered over to the window as she waited for it to steep, noting that the small table that once worked as a make-shift bar was now gone. Of all the things he would have chosen to bring with him across the country, she would not have picked that. Folding her arms across her stomach, she looked out across the sprawling twinkling lights of the city stretched out before her.    

Now the idea of him just being back in New York felt close. What are three hours compared to a day’s worth of travel? Would she have ever found herself here? Sharing this apartment with Ben permanently?

Her phone buzzed against the leather couch. She retrieved her steaming mug, once again settling into the comfort of the leather.

 

**BEN: Home sweet home**

 

**BEN: Everything look okay there?**

 

**REY: There's a singing and dancing family of rats that have moved into your closet, but other than that, hunky-dory**

 

**BEN: They can stay if they dust and pay the electric bill**

 

**BEN: But paws off my CID mug**

 

Rey smirked and snapped a picture of the mug in hand.

 

**BEN: You have your own!**

 

**REY: Tea tastes better in this one. We both know that**

 

**BEN: Undeniably true**

 

**BEN: Forgiven**

 

She took a sip with a smile.

 

**BEN: I want you to use the apartment whenever you want to. I mean it. As much as you need.**

 

She hesitated her reply, not entirely sure what to say.

 

**REY: Okay. Thank you.**

 

**BEN: Goodluck on your exam tomorrow, Sweetheart. You are going to do great.**

 

He still called her Sweetheart sometimes. She didn’t mind. It was actually kind of… nice.

She read up to chapter three, finishing her tea and snapped off the standing light by the window. She had to pull his sheets and duvet from the closet, and as soon as the bed was made, she crashed into it. The linens were fresh, rid of his scent, which made her a little sad. But they were still soft and inviting as she wrapped herself in them, drifting off quickly despite the lingering nerves that haunted her thoughts.

Two days later, she was successfully pinned as a level one Sommelier. Immediately, she started doing research on what it would take to get to level two.

Luke’s eyes shone a bright and watery shade of cerulean when she stepped into _Jedi_ , her smile so wide and beaming it could have been its own light source.  

When she returned home a few days later, she went straight to Poe and Finn’s. Finn had promised to bake her a disgustingly delicious hamburger casserole she saw on a viral video and her stomach was already beginning to grumble as she turned her key to their door, pushing it open.

“SURPRISE!” called out a chorus of happy people, all seeming to jump up out of nowhere.

Rey screamed and nearly choked on a handful of confetti that was thrown her way, slamming her back against the doorframe, hand over heart.

Finn rushed forward, laughing, waving his hands to calm her.

“Oh Girl,” he choked through laughing tears. “I am _so_ sorry!”

The entire restaurant staff was in attendance. They moved forward, congratulating her, offering handshakes, pats on the shoulders, and hugs. 

She fell into her new responsibilities seamlessly. She traded in her standard black button up for a closet full of professional cocktail dresses and sharp suits. 

Her eyebrows nearly disappeared into her hairline when she opened her first paycheck. 

She started experimenting with jewelry. Something she had once considered bulky and unnecessary, she now discovered that she secretly loved finding unique pieces that perfectly accessorized her outfit or allowed her a chance to physically represent her personality.  

Never putting much effort or thought into her looks in the past - short of what was clean, easy and comfortable, Rey was enjoying the touch of vanity that came with looking professionally put together.

It made her feel confident, powerful, knowledgeable.

And it certainly brought her another level of attention she had previously never experienced. Men, big spenders in their suits and crisp shirts, honed in on her as she spoke. Whereas before, they would treat her as a necessary bother, a way to receive food and drink, now they sat enthralled - hanging on her every word, eyes respectively maintaining contact until she looked away, when they would carefully flash over her body, in the hopes she wouldn’t notice. 

She did. But it didn’t always bother her in the way it perhaps should. The way it used to. She wanted to be seen now. Wanted to be admired. She had worked hard to be a sommelier and there was a level of respect and acclaim that came with that. She wasn’t just being listened to, she was being heard.

It was changing her.

She wasn’t sure of the first time she had met Dopheld Mitaka. Nor was she sure how many more times he had come in before she finally approached his table, recognizing him instantly. 

“Mr. Mitaka, welcome back,” she said with a polite smile and nod in his direction.

“Dopheld, please,” he insisted kindly, with a gentle tug at his mouth. 

Eventually, she learned that he tended to lean towards big, dark, and juicy wines. The ones that were so full of flavor, you felt like it could fill your mouth and dribble down your chin. Bold, lucious, commanding wines. It was a delight to her when he would praise her talents to the rest of his guests around the table. When he would swirl the fluid around his glass, close his eyes for a deep breath, then hum slightly at the taste.

“You truly have a gift,” he told her once.

It had never occurred to her that he was there for any other reason than to entertain colleagues and clients and drink delicious wine.

But then one Monday night (the restaurant still kept it’s scheduled Monday night darkness) when Finn was out with some friends from his dance class, Poe was doing paperwork, and Rose had homework, Rey found herself alone at a quiet Southern Italian restaurant, browsing the menu as she sat solo at the beautiful cherry wood bar. Gentle, string heavy music drifted through the air as she debated between seafood cannelloni or orecchiette with broccoli raab. 

To her left, someone cleared their throat.

Turning her head, her face lit into a bright smile as Dopheld stood beside her, resting his hand on the back of the barstool next to her. For the first time since she had come to know him, he wasn’t in a suit. Instead dressed in a pair of jeans and a comfortable sweater she could only really describe as muted moss. 

He pointed a finger to the back of the chair. 

“Mind if I join?”

“Of course not,” Rey gestured to the open seat. As he sat, she shifted her menu between them on the bar.

“Your professional dining opinion,” she started. Dopheld peered down at the words before him as he adjusted in his seat, elbows resting briefly on the bar. “Orecchiette or cannelloni?”

“Ooooh,” he said with a slightly pained expression. He lifted up the menu, giving it a quick run over. 

“Hmm,” he swished his lips to the side, feigning deep thought with squinted eyes. “You willing to go in with me and split some things?”

At this, Rey felt a warmth in her cheeks. It was slightly silly and girlish. She didn’t really know this man, save interactions where they chatted for a little while, mostly about general niceties and common small talk. She knew he was up for partner at his firm, that he had a cat, that he hated eggplant and cauliflower (garbage vegetables, he had once joked) and that he always picked up the check. But now, sitting here beside him, released from the confines of a guest and professional relationship, she suddenly felt oddly exposed.

Which wasn’t necessarily a bad feeling.

“Yeah, okay,” she looked down to the menu too.

He nodded, that easy smile he had spreading across his face.

They shared a bottle of Pinot Nero, delighted in crispy and creamy arancini, chuckled through crostini topped with figs, prosciutto and ricotta. She loved the bitterness of the broccoli raab, he decided to add a third vegetable to his list of garbage vegetables. When the seafood cannelloni came, they had both relaxed into their seatbacks, enjoying the comfortable flow of conversation. 

For dessert, they ordered cannolis and housemade lemoncello. 

Rey sat back in her seat with a groan, a hand landing on her stomach. “That was spectacular,” the bartender presented the check before them and Dopheld immediately grabbed the black billfold. 

“Hey!” she cried in protest. “You said go in and split!” She made a grab across him for the check, but he had already slid his card into the slot at the top and leaned further away from her, handing it off to the bartender.

Laughing, he gently shushed her.

“I insist. I swear, your wine suggestions have paid for themselves three-fold.”

Again, Rey felt that blush tickling up the side of her jaw.

“Well, I will have to find something extra special for you for your next visit.”

He signed the check and practically jumped out of his seat, moving to pull hers out for her as she stood.

“Thank you for letting me crash your solitary dinner,” he said, as they made their way towards the heavy oak door, decorated with black cast iron adornments.

“It was nice to have the company,” she said, truthfully. 

He paused, his hand on the handle.

“Would you like to do it again sometime? On purpose?” he asked as he tugged open the heavy door, and the night air hit her in a soft gust.

She took in a breath. A date. He was asking her out on a date. Was this honestly the first time she had been asked on a date by a man?

“Yes,” she heard herself answer.

A bigger, brighter smile this time. 

“Good. Great.”

Outside, they faced one another, Dopheld reaching into his back pocket to produce his phone.

“Here, put your number in and I’ll call you so you’ll have mine,” Rey did so and passed it back to him. He hit the green phone icon at the bottom and Rey felt the vibration within her purse. 

“I’ll text you,” he told her, backing away. “Thank you for an exceptional dinner.”

“The next one is on me!” she told him, heading off in the opposite direction.

The next time, she slipped her credit card to the server before they even ordered a thing. 

The time after that, he beat her to it.

It was their fifth date when he offered to drive her home, since the theater production they had went to see was clear across the city. Outside of her apartment, his car idled as they talked excitedly about the show they just saw.

When the conversation died down, she was unsure of how long they had actually been sitting there. 

He reached forward and gently touched a curled lock of her hair. She was growing it out again. It now reached past her shoulders.

Shifting forward he placed a gentle knuckle beneath her chin. 

Rey supposed this was bound to happen eventually, however, her stomach twisted into a nervous knot. 

The kiss was gentle, sweet. Just a few soft sweeps of his tongue. It felt completely foreign to Rey. New territory. Not Ben.

They said goodnight and in the safety of her apartment, she slumped against the door.

She liked Dopheld, quite a bit, it turned out.

But something about this made her feel… traitorous? It was ridiculous.  

She changed into her pajamas, brushed her teeth, and scrolled through Instagram as she lay in bed, waiting for sleep to take her.

A picture of Finn and Poe, in matching white cotton robes, sharing brilliant smiles and champagne flutes.

 

**Happy anniversary to my love! Finally getting around to that honeymoon we so greatly deserve**

 

She liked it with a smile.

A notification dropped down from the top of her screen.

 

**::NEW TEXT MESSAGE FROM DOPHELD MITAKA::**

**Definitely want to do more of that**

 

Her smile grew into a full-blown grin.

Yes, it was unbelievable what could happen in the span of a year.

 


	19. Bad to Worse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> " 'Cause half of me knows it's gonna get dark  
> But when you come around, I fall apart  
> 'Cause I know it goes  
> Bad to worse, you said it first  
> It's hopeless, we can't lift that curse  
> 'Cause we both know we ain't got self-control  
> And I'll always come when you bang on my door"
> 
> [Bad to Worse](https://youtu.be/qKXugNaOM_s) Ra Ra Riot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tags, tags, tags.
> 
> I would be so lost without the help of [JenfysNest](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenfysNest) and her awesome advice. Seriously, the best.

Ben plastered a hand to the cold glass of the window, the glittering Las Vegas skyline casting a glow over the lithe body bent before him.

Bazine cried out, he was sure overdramatically, in delight as she slammed her own spread hands against the glass, little steamed outlines spreading out from her fingers. 

“Yeah, Daddy, _fuck me_ ,” she whined. Ben almost groaned, and not from the voyeuristic pleasure he was getting from banging one of the top Instagram models in the world against the window of his 30 story hotel suite. She called him Daddy because she thought he was old. 

He was thirty-fucking-two!

Her glossy black hair fell into her face as she bent further down while he gripped her on both sides of her hips. She only raised herself up again to look at their reflection in the glass. 

“We’re so fucking hot,” she choked out, looking more at herself than him.

Her neck was bared as if begging for him to kiss it—but right this moment he couldn’t bring himself to. Instead, he reached to twist a nipple on one of her—most definitely—enhanced breasts, causing her to scream as she came.

Ben pulled out at the last moment, as she shuddered and gasped against the glass. Despite the condom and her promise that she had an implant, he never let himself come in her.    

Bracketing himself above her, he held himself up against the glass, catching his breath. Something in the vein of shame washed over him as he watched the large, colorful tattoos on her back shrink and expand with her mellowing breaths. 

It’s not that he didn’t like Bazine—she was fine. Perfectly likable in her own way. She had a dark sense of humor, liked things most other guys would totally fawn over; like motorcycles, horror films, and sex. She was gorgeous, seemed to know exactly what she wanted and what she was doing at all times and quite frankly didn’t seem to give a fuck if he had genuine feelings for her or not. 

She moved out from under him and fell onto the bed, immediately finding her phone and began scrolling away. 

He never thought he would find someone who was worse than Kaydel when it came to having a device permanently attached to them, and boy was he wrong.   

Bazine was a walking hashtag. Everything was documented, everything was shared. 

With a sigh, he made his way to the bathroom to shuck off the condom and give himself a good clean up with a warm washcloth. Looking up, he observed himself in the mirror. 

Never one to really consider himself handsome, it occurred to him that perhaps he was the kind of man that got better looking with age. Gone were the awkward angles and sharpness of his youth. He felt fuller now, more settled into features that he knew were not traditionally described as desirable.

He flexed his pecs with a frown. Between his physique and fame, it was hardly a struggle anymore—the attention, that is. After fighting it for so long, he found that he actually liked it. He liked the gasps he got from women every time his clothes came off.

When he walked out of the bathroom, Bazine had rolled onto her back, arms lifted in the air as she preened and took selfie after selfie. 

“I look thoroughly fucked,” she purred delightfully. “My followers are going to _freak_ …” with a throaty giggle, she flipped to her stomach, still very much naked, feet kicking gleefully in the air behind her. 

Ben was pulling on his sweats, once again looking out over the Vegas skyline. The window was a smeared mess. He reminded himself to leave the maid an extra tip tomorrow morning. 

“People are such voyeurs,” she murmured, her pretty eyes lit by the reflecting light of her phone. It made her look positively devilish. “They’re going to devour this. We’ll probably be trending before the end of the night.”

Bazine was a social networking master. She was practically a wet dream for Snoke. Since she and Ben started dating - _dating? Were they actually dating?_ She had begun this mystery campaign, trying to get her followers all stirred up, leaving fairly blatant clues as to who her new famous mystery man was.

She shared pictures of meals he had made for her, took cryptic shots of locations they visited together with vague hashtags and even took a bathroom selfie wearing nothing but a very small _First Order_ t-shirt, pulled strategically to cover all the right places. 

The internet was in a fucking feeding frenzy.

#Benzine was actually a _thing_.

A sinking sensation was haunting Ben as he pulled his discarded t-shirt back over his head. He had no reason to feel sickened by this. It was brilliant media manipulation and he was more than allowed to live his own life. To sleep with whom he wanted.

Yet, he felt guilty. 

Rey had moved on in the best way she knew how, and so would he. Because that was the whole point, wasn’t it? To get her as far away from him as possible?

Bazine jumped up from the bed grabbing Ben’s phone.

“Unlock please,” he did and handed it back to her. “You have a new message from Rey,” she told him, flippantly, before opening his Instagram and moving to the window.

Ben’s stomach did a full turn inside of him as he watched her snap a quick pic of their view and began filtering and tagging away. She posted the picture and passed the phone back to him. Immediately, his Instagram notifications started to blow up. He shut them off.

Breezily moving past him, Bazine headed towards the bathroom. 

“I’m going to take a bath,” she casually planted a kiss on his cheek as she passed, rising up on her tiptoes. 

Ben waited until the door was closed before he opened the message.

 

**REY: I’ve just heard the worst news! 😭😭😭**

 

**BEN: I hope you’re being dramatic and not messaging me emojis in crisis**

 

**REY: They’re closing TROYS! 💔**

 

 

And then Ben’s brain was back home. Rey’s hands in his hair, his nose brushing against her shoulder, her smile gleaming in the spotlight of the karaoke stage. Lustful eyes hidden by mahogany waves as they reflected back to him in a mirror. Her breath against his ear— _I love you._

Ben sucked in a breath. _Fuck_. She still haunted him, even now. 

He closed his eyes, mind unleashed, yanking him backward through time. Through the weeks with Bazine - a one-night stand that turned into whatever the hell they were, to solitary nights in hotel rooms, and achingly lonely nights in the beautiful echoing and empty rooms of his new home, set in Toluca Lake.

To the drive. To the phone call.

Surprisingly, Ben hadn’t hated California as much as he thought he would. Sure, the traffic was awful and Los Angeles was a cesspool where everyone was connected to someone else. He despised the constant networking and he was relentlessly being propositioned by greedy and shallow social climbers, but otherwise, the weather was pretty much always perfect, the general scenery was pleasing and he could speed easily on the winding back roads in his Maserati without much consequence. 

He was taking a joy ride, the wind and sun doing something that helped get his brain working. It was rides like this where he got most of his thinking done. He had not wanted to go to California at all, hoping that by some miracle, he and Kaydel would put their heads together and somehow be able to topple a decades-built empire in a matter of days. It was naive, at best.

He thought back to those last two weeks in New York. The few nights after he returned home from Finn and Poe’s wedding. Standing in his dark apartment, swaying and staring at the floor. He wasn’t sure how long he had been there and the memories of the previous thirty minutes were somewhat of a blur.

He was thoroughly drunk and furious. Next to him lay the broken and shattered pieces that once were a small table he kept by the window. The couch was overturned, the television on the ground. A various collection of different shades shattered glass littered the kitchen floor.

Not that destroying his apartment helped any, but it at least felt good for a few fleeting moments.

Much to his hope, when he stood with Kaydel in his kitchen that afternoon, she had taken what he had shared with her into account. She said she needed some time to think and she left only to return an hour later with a bottle of wine and furrowed brow.

“If we fail at this, we’re both done for,” she warned him, pouring out a glass for him, observing him from under her scowling eyebrows.

He nodded.

“Our careers will be over. We’ll be blacklisted… maybe worse.” The last part hung in the air between them. Who knew what someone as powerful as Snoke was capable of? How far his reach went?

Kaydel drummed her fingers on the counter, eyes distant.

“There have been rumors,” she began softly. She took a sip of the wine, seeming to chew it a little before she swallowed deep. “About Snoke and offshore accounts. Whisperings, really, of false charities, moving money around, but I’m not sure if there's anything of consequence…” she gulped down another deeper mouthful of wine. “And there are some stories about things that happened in the 80s…”

Ben frowned. 

“The 80s?”

Kaydel nodded slowly, her eyes low and guarded. “Drugs, young men… questions of consent…”

Oh. _Oh._

Ben’s hand drifted up to cover his open mouth. He felt nauseous.

“I’ve never… I’ve never heard anything about that,” he began.

Kaydel finished off her glass and reached for the bottle.

“This is some dark shit we could be getting into, Ben.”

He nodded, attempting to rid himself of the bile rising in his stomach.

“I had a brother,” she began softly. Ben felt himself clutching his wine glass, just from her tone. “He was ten years older than me, from my father’s first marriage. Temmin, but we called him Snap,” she smiled gently as if fondly remembering something from the past. 

For a moment, Ben realized how soft and, well, _pretty_ Kaydel was. Her tender doe-eyes strangely reminding him of his own mother as she reflected, lost for a moment in her own memories. Quickly, the tenderness flashed away, replaced again by a hardened scowl. 

“My father was Snoke’s Sous Chef for nearly 15 years until his accident. He was hit on his motorcycle, shattered his leg. He couldn’t work, couldn’t support the household…” she shook her head. “Snoke offered to let my brother work in his place, not as Sous, obviously, but to have a position in the kitchen to keep the family afloat until my father healed and came back to work.”

Silently, Ben watched as she continued with a heavy sigh.

“My father became addicted to opiates. Then heroin. He-” her eyes flashed up to his. “He wasn’t a bad man, just a weak one,” she said quietly, defensively.

“I’ve been in this industry long enough to know a few of those,” he reassured her without judgment.

She nodded, appreciating his kindness. Chewing on her lower lip, she looked out the window across from her.

“He stole _a lot_ of money from Snoke, for years,” she continued on. “When Snoke found out, he threatened to throw him in jail, bring him to court, the whole nine. Unless he worked out a private deal with him.”

Ben was slowly thinking he was arriving at the conclusion of this and it was not helping the sickness in his gut. His mouth felt bone dry.

“Snoke wanted an apprentice. Someone he could mold, make his own. Someone he could control completely… in every way.” Her eyes met Ben’s and he felt the cold rush of a chill frosting up his spine. “So, my father traded his children to Leonard Snoke, in hopes of giving them a better life,” she finished, coldly, her jaw set. 

Again, Ben thought he might vomit.

“I was six, Snap was just barely sixteen. We moved into his penthouse on Park Avenue. I don’t remember a lot other than I was always separate from him. It was always him and Snoke, while I was off with a nanny or at school. When I would see Snap, every time he would look a little more gaunt, a little more dark, a little more… haunted,” she said the last word with a visible chill. 

She eyed the wine bottle, and he motioned for her to go ahead and finish it. She dumped the remainder of the contents into her glass.

“You said you _had_ a brother,” Ben said quietly.

Kaydel nodded slowly. “He was twenty-one, when… they found him...”

Ben raised his hand, “You don’t have to,” he stopped her. 

Keydel’s mouth flattened into a line as she roughly swallowed, blinking rapidly. 

“I was ignored, raised in luxury and not paid much attention to until I was old enough to work for him. I can’t claim he didn’t take care of me. I’ve never wanted for anything.”

Ben folded his arms across his chest, taking a deep sigh.

“Why would you stay?” he asked gently.

She laughed and gave a lazy shrug, “Where would I go? This was all I knew.”

He nodded, breaking his arms apart to run a rough hand through his hair with a sigh.

“No one hates Leonard Snoke more than I do,” she told him, just above a whisper. “I just never had anyone else to tell about it,” she gave him a sad sort of smile and raised her glass.

Bitterly, he smiled too, leaning forward to clink her glass.

That night he pitifully drank down his sorrows and took it out on the inanimate objects around him because that was all he could do. It was the only power he currently had. It solved nothing but at least it felt good. 

Then, Snoke took Kaydel away from him too.

He stared in disbelief, as they sat across from each other, Snoke’s twisted smile tucking once again into his cheek as he calmly explained that Kaydel would be staying in New York. It was almost as if he _knew_.

In California, he had Ben all to himself. A puppet master with solid strings and no possibility of tangling them. 

He delighted in watching Ben reluctantly drown himself back in his work. Isolated and removed from all that he loved, he felt like he had no other choice. 

Snoke practically threw women in his direction, hoping one would eventually catch on his dick. It didn’t work for a long time. For over a year.

But then she called.

He took a curve dangerously fast, tapping the green phone icon next to the words “INCOMING CALL FROM REY” as they were displayed on his center console and slowed down a little.

“Hey,” he said, the car’s back end jerking slightly as it corrected itself.

“Hey,” she answered and at her tone alone, Ben had tensed, his grip on the steering wheel becoming white-knuckled.

“Listen, this might be a little stupid,” she continued, the nervousness leaking into her voice. “But, I wanted you to hear it from me first.”

“Okay,” he started slowly, watching the screen of the console as if it were about to give him some sort of explanation. 

She took a deep breath over the line and Ben lost all feeling in his hands.

“I’ve started seeing someone,” she stated, plainly. “I know—I know it was a long time ago that we made that pact, to tell each other when—but, it’s silly, I—I just wanted you to hear it from me.”

The floodgates to Ben’s mind had opened and his brain was quickly filling up, gorging with a million regrets and questions and feelings. His tongue felt thick in his mouth and he just stared at the red glowing lights before him. His eyes flashed back up to the road.

“Ben?” her voice was quiet, hesitant.

“Y-yeah,” he answered, taking a moment to pull himself out of a swirling mental whirlpool. He shifted gears and the speedometer needle jumped up as his foot pressed down on the accelerator. 

A pause. “Are you okay?”

No, was the accurate answer. _No, I am not okay. I knew this day would come and yet here I am wishing I could get on a plane, fly to you, and crawl on the ground to kiss your feet and beg you to wait for me._

He could feel the pressure building behind his eyes and he coughed, attempting to relieve some of the tightness that was beginning to constrict his breathing.

“I’m…” 

_What? Sad? Shocked? Unfairly disappointed? A selfish prick who just wants you to spend the better parts of your youth waiting around for me to return like a love-lorn widow?_

“I’m—” he started again, but the words died on his lips. Logically, he knew this was unfair and he had made all the wrong moves, wrong choices that ultimately led to this very moment. After all, wasn’t that the point of letting her go? So she could experience happiness? Have a normal relationship? Move on?

“I’m gonna have to let you go,” he heard himself stammer out and he winced. “I’ll call you back later,” and with that, he cut the call.  

The running water to Bazine’s bath suddenly stopped and he could hear the sloshing of the fluid as she moved around inside, undoubtedly taking more pictures for her followers. 

Ben sighed, still reflecting. It was nearly a week after that before he heard from Rey again. 

This time, he tapped the green phone icon on his phone as it sat before him on his counter. He didn’t say hello.

His house in California was beyond ostentatious. His kitchen was larger than his New York apartment alone. His countertop was rare Italian marble and everything around it was shiny and new and sparkling.

“You can’t ignore me forever,” Rey’s voice rang off every surface, making it seem like she was there with him. 

Ben took a deep breath. 

“I know,” he grumbled deeply, folding his arms across his chest and frowning down at the lit phone as it ticked away the time since he answered.

She sighed and they sat in silence for a minute.

“This doesn’t have to change anything,” her voice was soft, understanding. It made him cringe.

He was being a fucking spoiled asshole.

He swallowed thickly, nodding, but still watching the phone with a piercing scowl.

“No... it doesn’t.”

“Okay…” she said quietly. “Because if I can’t talk to you about the rest of these fools you’ve left me here with, I’ll be lost.”

Ben sputtered out a bitter laugh. He smiled a little.

“I suppose someone has to talk you through Poe’s rise into egomaniacal real estate dominance.”

Her laugh bounced off the cold surfaces of his home and suddenly he felt warmer.

“Ben! Have you _seen_ his new headshot? He _has_ to be stopped!”

“Baby,” Bazine called, her voice sounding metallic and small from behind the closed door. “This bath is big enough for two…”

Ben looked down at his phone, Rey’s message to him unanswered. He frowned.

 

**BEN: I suppose it’s the end of an era**

 

He opened his twitter account and sure enough, #BenzineVegas was trending. 

Darkening his screen, he tossed the phone to the bed and pulled his shirt up over his head.

Everything came to an end eventually.

He had already lost his sweats by the time he got to the bathroom door. He missed the dull buzzing of his phone over and over again, against the cover of the bed.

 

:: **MISSED CALL::**

 

**::NEW MESSAGE FROM KAYDEL::**

 

**KAYDEL: HAVE YOU HEARD??**

 

**KAYDEL: Pull your nose out of wanna-be Elvira's labia for a minute and look online**

 

**KAYDEL: HE'S DEAD!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT WILL BE OKAY, I PROMISE!!


	20. Say It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And every evening, every time  
> I keep replaying in my mind  
> And wondering if you do the same  
> And if it makes you lose your breath  
> And if it makes you just forget  
> That all of it's a bit insane  
> I cannot fall in love with you  
> I cannot feel this way so soon"  
> \- Maggie Rogers [Say It](https://youtu.be/0dzZXpf7sSQ)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you stitch a wound, it needs to be washed out. . 
> 
> Thank you to the wonderful [JenfysNest](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenfysNest) for being the best beta a gal could ask for.

Rey tilted her head back as a series of delightfully strained gasps escaped from her open mouth. She bunched up the sheets between her fingers, trying to focus on the warm, growing bloom happening within her belly and below. She clenched her eyes shut.

"Yes… _yes_! Ooh - right… there don't—ah—AH!"

Her wake-up orgasm was better than any coffee she had ever had any morning of her life.

As she bucked and shifted lower on the sheets, Dopheld chuckled below her.

When she finished, he mouthed gently at the inside of her thigh with a moan.

"The best way to start the day," he mumbled.

Rey turned her face and grinned against the back of her hand. This had recently become their new morning ritual whenever he spent the night, and she couldn’t agree with that statement more. 

She sighed, tenderly reaching to touch his head, still resting against her leg.

"I have to get ready," she almost whined.

He grunted. She laughed. 

"Rose will be here soon…”

He let out a deep sigh, the breath tickling the soft skin on the inside of her thigh. 

"I have some serious casework I suppose I should be doing…" his tone was playful, as his fingers gently trailed the outside of her hip in urging, enticing circles, his mouth again pressing to her soft skin.

"Stop it!" she laughed, shifting away from him across the sheets. Finally, she stood, clad only in a large nightshirt that barely graced her thighs.  

Dopheld looked up at her, a certain kind of smile on his face. She tilted her head to the side, as a smile slid onto her lips too. 

"What?"

He huffed at her, shaking his head.

"You really don't know, do you?"

Now she was truly intrigued. She squinted her eyes a little, pressing her hands to her hips in mock offense. 

"What?" she teased, defiantly.

He surveyed her for a moment and sat up, resting on his elbow. 

"You’re a powerhouse, Niima,” his eyes were soft and thoughtful, his words a soothing tone. “And it’s sexy as hell.”

Rey stilled, having never heard such a compliment directed at her before. 

They had just started getting to the point in their relationship where Rey was comfortable enough to tell him about her past. She thought about the pressed look on his features when she explained that she had been abandoned then bounced home to home. The fascinated look he had when she told him about her determination to move to the states, her willingness to work as hard as she could to be on her own; independent.   

The way he was looking at her then made her feel like there should be a cape behind her, fluttering in the breeze as she looked off into the distance—not standing in a ratty oversized t-shirt by her bedside.

“What time is Rose getting here?” he asked, knocking her out of her own thoughts. 

“Ah,” she looked over to her phone, still being charged on the bedside table. “9:30.”

Dopheld frowned, sitting and rolling up to stand. He had a lean build, not bulky or over muscular, but certainly not hard to appreciate in a pair of snug boxer-briefs that were being strained from the inside-out.

“Twenty minutes,” she mused, as he moved to her and placed a gentle hand on the small of her back. “Better shower together. Save time and water,” she did her best to keep a serious look on her face.

He grinned. “How environmentally conscious of you.”

She hummed as his mouth briefly pressed to her temple and his hand slid down to give her ass a firm squeeze. 

By the time Rose knocked on the door, Rey was feeling incredibly refreshed and revived, riding high off of a second orgasm for the day. The knock was a nicety, almost immediately Rose let herself in with her key.

“ _Hello, hello, hello!_ ” she said in her best RuPaul impression. She looked positively cheerful this morning, her hair split down the middle, pulled back across the top of her head in two thick braids. It was already starting to get a little chilly outside, so she was dressed in a bright pink coat.

She plopped the paper bag in her arms on the counter and moved around the kitchen island to give Rey a big, soul-charging hug.

“I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever!” she mumbled into Rey’s shoulder. She backed away a little. “You look radiant!”

As if on cue, Dopheld came out of her bedroom, adjusting his tie. 

“Hi Rose,” he said, kindly. Rose’s arms stiffened and moved from Rey’s waist as she took a step back, visibly bristled. 

“Hello,” her tone was not snippy, but not quite warm either.

Dopheld moved to Rey quickly, giving her a brief kiss, which Rose watched quietly off to the side.

“Have a great trip. Be safe out there,” he touched her chin gently as he moved away.

Rey nodded, unable to keep the smile from her face. She watched as he made his way to the door, slipping on his shoes, before offering her another wave on his way out.

When she turned back to Rose, she was frowning, arms crossed tightly before her, scowling at the closed door.

Rey rolled her eyes.

“Would you stop?”

Rose unfolded her arms and casually raised her eyebrows, moving to unpack the paper bag. 

“Stop what?”

“Stop looking at him like you want to bite him every time he touches me.”

Rose hesitated, placing a carton of eggs on the counter.

“I do not,” she claimed, almost offended. Then she paused, looking off to the side. “Well… not really on purpose anyway.”

Rey gave a little laugh, bending down to retrieve a cast iron pan from the cabinet next to the stove. It had been weeks since she and Rose were able to hang out outside of work. With their current schedules, she hardly had more than a single shift with her per week, at the end of which Rose promptly went home to study or be up early. So this morning, they were making sausage, spinach and artichoke quiche. The plan was to drop the rest it off to Finn and Poe on her way out of town later. She was off to New York for a few days to meet with Luke and prepare for her level 2 exam.

“He’s a really great guy Rose —” 

“I didn’t say he wasn’t.”

“He’s supportive and kind and thoughtful…”

Rose hummed, pulling out the heavy cream. 

“He is really encouraging, funny. He likes a lot of the same things I do,” Rey knew she was rambling a little. But it bothered her that Rose didn’t like Dopheld. She didn’t like the imbalance of someone so close to her being averse to someone who was growing closer. It felt off.

“Are you in love with him?” Rose asked, point-blank.

Rey jerked back, slightly affronted by the direct question.

“That’s,” she paused, looking away, picking up the container of cream cheese like it was the most fascinating thing she had to examine right at that very moment. “It’s a little early for that, don’t you think?”

Rose lifted her shoulder in a lazy shrug, reaching over to turn the heat on under the pan.

“I want to see you happy, I really do. It’s just…” she sliced a cube of butter off the stick before her, peeled away the wrapper and dropped the cube into the pan. 

Rey let out a heavy and frustrated sigh. Rose would always be rooting for Ben. It was something Rey respected in a way, despite how it occasionally got under her skin. Rose never stopped believing in him, never stopped hoping that eventually this would all work out and he would just come home and they would be together. “Make an army of black-haired, hazel-eyed babies” Rose had told her once, three Old Fashion’s deep.    

“Do you give Ben this much grief about his _paramours_?” Rey teased. She washed her hands and just as the butter began to turn brown and bubble, she began pulling off small clusters of sausage and placing it in the pan. It sizzled and hissed below her, the smell of searing meat quickly rising up to her nose.

Rose made a noise of disgust. “More, actually.”

Rey couldn’t help but smile at that. She had no doubt that Rose most certainly gave him a rash of shit every chance she could. 

Ben and Rey never talked about what was going on in their romantic lives. She never mentioned Dopheld again after that first conversation and he never talked about who he was involved with. Not that it was all that hard to find out.

 _Benzine_. At the thought, Rey wanted to roll her eyes.

The first time she saw them it was like a bucket of ice water had been splashed on her.

She had thought that she was in a good place about her feelings. Rey was a master at compartmentalizing. She had been doing it her entire life. Boxing up separate emotions, stacking them in selected piles. Like a little internal warehouse. 

 _Your love for Ben Solo goes here. Your friendship with Ben Solo goes there_. Boom. Neat and separated. Forever divided now. 

It only got easier after she met Dopheld.

But then one day, she opened her Instagram. 

It wasn’t even his account. She didn’t know how it managed to end up in her stream but there it was.  

Ben with a girl on his lap. 

A smiling, stupidly gorgeous girl with perfect winged eyeliner and a full sleeve of tattoos and _Ben’s face in her hair and_ —

A fierce surge of something hot and hateful flashed through Rey. It took over her body, her limbs acting on instinct as she swung the phone in her hand high above her head and then violently spiked it into the ground. 

It broke apart with a horrible thud, pieces scattering out across the floor.

For a blinding moment, she felt nothing but rage, but just as quickly as it came, it ebbed away and she realized she was standing over a pile of destroyed electronics, gritting her teeth.

“Everything okay, babe?” Dopheld called from the other room.

Panic shot through her as she stooped to the floor, wincing at the cracked screen.

“Yes,” she called back quickly, not wanting him to come in and see the visual representation of how _not_ over things she perhaps was. 

Dopheld knew nothing about her relationship with Ben. Only that he was her close friend. He didn’t know about the years of pining, the long-distance, the break-ups, the heartache. All he knew was that the famous chef Ben Solo was one of her closest friends and lived in California. That was it.

Rey pressed a hand over her forehead and sighed. 

“You’ve gone mad,” she murmured to herself. “Absolutely _nutters_ ,” she looked down and surveyed the small divot she had just dented into the hardwood floor. 

Of course she knew Ben would eventually meet someone. 

She just didn’t realize she would have to _see_ it. 

She didn’t realize it would be a woman so striking and gorgeous—the envy in Rey rose up like a tidal wave and threatened to drown her where she stood.

Taking a deep breath, she tried to calm herself. It was fine. She was fine. She was in a happy and healthy and productive relationship with a man who adored her. A man who brought her flowers every Sunday, who helped her with flashcards when she was studying, who cooked great meals and sang off-tune while he did it. A man who was solid and secure. A man who was exactly what she needed from a relationship.

She put the phone back together. It still worked, but she would definitely have to order a new one. 

As if he somehow knew, her phone lit up with a phone call from Ben Solo.

She stared at the name for a moment, bile rising up in her throat.

She jabbed the answer icon.

“This really isn’t a good time,” she snapped. It was irrational, how she was feeling, but she couldn’t stop herself.

“Oh,” Ben began, clearly taken aback by her tone. “Oka—”

She hung up with no further explanation. She stared at the tiny white fractures that spiderwebbed across her screen, then looked down at the dent in her floor. Her fingers brushed it with a curse.  

No, it was just easier to pretend that the other people didn’t exist. It was a mutual agreement they both seemed to silently make. 

“—she’s just using him,” she came back into Rose’s tangent with a shake of her head. Rose was visibly infuriated, her face scrunched and a little flushed. “He _has_ to know that! The minute she can jump onto the next famous hashtag, she’s going to.”

Rey pushed the crackling sausage around the pan. “Maybe that’s part of their deal. We don’t know.”

Rose huffed, “I would think you of all people would be the most upset about it.”

 _I was, until I wasn’t_ , Rey thought. 

Before she could answer, Rose was off again.

“It’s just so fucking frustrating to watch him fuck everything up, over and _over_ again!” She was whipping up the eggs with a visible fury. “He goes to New York in the first place, then he disappears when his mother is dying, _then_ he seems to make a come back and have it figured out and — boom! — _fucking_ California!” 

The eggs were spinning in a vicious yellow cyclone now as Rey watched her with cautious horror.

“And _then_ , he’s supposed to get that slimy fucking weasel Snoke off of his back after he _blackmailed_ the shit out of him and the idiot couldn’t even do that right! I mean JESUS!” she ended on a huff, slamming the bowl to the counter slightly out of breath.

Rey frowned.

“Snoke blackmailed Ben?”

Rose shot up straight, her eyes flying wide open. 

“What? No, I didn’t — I don’t know anything about anything to do with —have you seen the cheese?” she whirled around, nervously pretending to look for the block resting right in front of her.

But Rey was on her immediately, practically towering over her, backing her into the counter.

“No, you said Snoke blackmailed Ben.”

"I uh—" Rose's eyes darted everywhere except to Rey. 

"Rose," Rey could feel her heartbeat in her ears, in her fingertips, in her throat. She knew this was bad. She knew this was going to lead to something. A loose string leading to an unfurled garment.

"I promised I wouldn't say anything," finally Rose’s wide, woeful eyes rose to Rey's. "I pinky swore," she squeaked, weakly. 

Rey took a step back, a rot filling her gut. 

"You need to tell me," her tone was sharp, concise. Rose bit at her lower lip and cringed. " _Everything."_

Slowly, Rose nodded.

 

                                                                                                                                    ***

 

Ben took the red-eye on Thursday and landed in New York on Friday morning, beyond cranky and exhausted.

Kaydel met him outside of a shiny and stretching skyscraper, her head down to her phone in one hand and a carrier with two coffees balancing on the other. It was a little windy and her long, straw blonde hair curtained her face slightly. She didn’t even bother to look up at him when he came to stand beside her, simply lifted the tray higher, offering him a cup to take.

He smiled. 

“Old habits?”

She lifted a shoulder. “Guess so,” she finally looked up at him. “Figured you wouldn’t really have time to stop.”

He smiled down at her. It had been months since he had seen her. He was suddenly struck by how incredible it felt to have a comrade, a partner in all of this madness.

The hot caffeine was a godsend and he closed his eyes for a brief moment taking in the flavor. 

They went in, finding themselves seated before a stern-faced man Ben had gotten to know all too well over the course of the last seven years. Moff Tarkin, Snoke’s business lawyer and undoubtedly the sweeper of all things evil beneath a series of huge rugs.

“Autoerotique asphyxiation.”

Ben gaped at him.

Beside him, Kaydel shifted.

“Isn’t that…”

The man gave a curt nod.

“It appears that the act got a little carried away. The… _friend_ of Mr. Snoke was not familiar with the practice and didn’t know when to let up.”

Both he and Kaydel stared back at the lawyer in silence.

Finally, Kaydel gave a small, amused snort of disbelief. Tarkin cast her a withering look and her hand immediately flew to her mouth and she shook her head.

“Sorry…” she mumbled.

It wasn't a laughing matter, but all the same Ben had to cover a chuckle with a cough when Kaydel broke.

"Clearly there needs to be a level of discretion here when it comes to releasing information to the public."

Now Ben snorted. This guy obviously didn't know how the internet worked.

The lawyer reached for a heavy, textbook-thick stack of papers on his desk. 

"As per his will, Mr. Snoke requested that everything to do with First Order Media be put in your hands. The original First Order establishment will be signed over to Armitage Hux and Gwendolyn Phasma will see a title increase to CFO,” he passed the papers over to Ben. 

“Ms. Connix,” he pulled forth another stack of paperwork, leaning over the desk to deposit it in front of Kaydel. “The property on Park Avenue will be turned over to you as well as the properties in Miami, Teluka Lake, and Milan.”   

He turned back to Ben.

“As the official active CEO of First Order Media, I highly suggest you read over prior contracts and consider revisions for those who are involved,” he sounded almost bored as he scribbled away on a notepad.

Ben’s head snapped up as he thumbed through the pages on his lap.

“Contract revision?” he murmured.

Tarkin raised his head and brows, “It would be wise.”

Ben’s legs felt like jelly as he and Kaydel walked out of the building and onto the windy and noisy street. 

For once she wasn’t looking at her phone, but instead at the stack of papers held up in her hands.

“Do you think the guy _really_ didn’t know when to let up?” she wondered quietly.

He pinched the bridge of his nose and frowned, breathing out a ragged breath. 

“I think I might actually cry,” he mumbled and then let out a bitter laugh. His hand slid down to cover his mouth. “I’m finally fucking free,” he laughed again, this time more gleeful. “I’m going to revise my contract and leave the First Order in the goddamn _dust!_ ” He was practically ecstatic now. 

Kaydel looked at him with owled eyes. 

Elated, Ben reached out to a man passing by, talking on his phone.

“Hey buddy, you wanna run a fortune 500 company?”

Kaydel yanked him back towards her as the man hurried away frowning.

“You know that’s not how this works, right?”

Ben shook his head. “What do you mean? I’m in charge. I could dismantle the whole damn thing right now. Sell off all of our properties and contracts, leave it a steaming, heaping mess! Fuck the First Order!” His voice was rising again as he shot a middle finger to the sky. “And _fuck you_ Leonard Snoke you sadistic, perverted piece of human garbage!”

People passing by were definitely staring now. Kaydel shushed him, pulling him towards where his car and driver waited for him. 

“It’s not that simple! You _have_ to know it’s not that simple. There’s shareholders and investors. The Praetorian board... Snoke made you the face of First Order for a reason, you can’t just turn your back on it.” 

The driver opened the door for them and Kaydel ducked in without pause. 

“The fuck I can’t!” Ben said, crawling in after her. He adjusted himself in the seat, facing her.

“I’ll keep doing the public shit for a while. Filming _World View_ , schmoozing, whatever. But the rest of it…” He shook his head. “It never should have been me in the first place.”

She cast him a stern look.

“And who exactly is going to run a multi-million dollar company when you step down, hmm?” she said dryly. She twisted in her seat, pointing over her shoulder. “Should we drive around and find that man you accosted like a crazy person? See if he has any experience with developing flatware lines, maintaining media presence, and producing cooking shows?”

Ben grinned at her as if the answer was obvious.   

He could almost see the realization of what he was proposing as it blossomed across her face.

She slumped back in her seat, dazed for a moment, before she crossed her arms over her chest. She turned her face to the window.

“It’s a lot to give up, Ben,” she said softly. “You have sacrificed nearly everything to get here and now you just want to give it away? It seems…” she turned back to him, eyes softer. “It seems like it was all for nothing.”

Ben sat back with a heavy sigh. She was right about that. It would have all been for nothing.  

Every mistake. Every letdown. Every misstep. All of the pain he had caused his friends and family.

Rey.

But if he got out now, slowly phased himself from the public eye and blended back into society, there could still be time. Time to recover. Time to go back to what he originally loved. To go home. 

“If you want it, it’s all yours.”

Kaydel didn’t touch her phone for the rest of the ride. Instead they rode together in a pleasant silence, her face still turned towards the window, a permanent smile pressed on her lips. 

When the driver dropped him off at his place, he was a little overwhelmed by the emotions he had about being back in New York, back in his space.

His apartment building felt like being embraced by an old friend. There was a comfort here. A familiarity. Like walking into the smell of his grandmother's house on Thanksgiving morning or hearing an old song on the radio.   

He shouldered open the door, dropping his bag on the floor. He was typing away at a text message to Finn, who was pestering him to come home for Poe’s birthday celebration that he was trying to coincide with the closing of Troy’s ( **Figure it out, homey** \- Finn had urged). He made his way to the kitchen, ready to shift through some take out menus and fill his growingly complaining gut.

“ _J'ai fait une erreur_.”

Ben stopped short in front at his bedroom door, Rey’s voice literally freezing him in his tracks. 

His stomach felt like a spike had just been javelined through it. His heart may have stopped beating, but he wasn’t sure because he could only stand still and hope not to faint.

“ _J'ai fait une erreur_ ,” she repeated and he turned his head, body still paused mid-step, rigid as a statue.  

She was on the bed, notebooks and papers spread out before her as she lay on her stomach, facing away from him.

Her hair was long again, cascading down in dark-brown waves across her shoulders. She had a lock of it tucked behind her ear, from which an airpod stuck out. 

Sighing, she pushed herself up on all fours with a groan, giving him a completely sinful view of that backside he loved so much, before sitting back on her folded legs.

Ben stared from the doorway afraid to move. 

Then the terror took him. Just like a frightened animal, he was running towards the door. He got a hand on the knob, thinking that perhaps she hadn’t seen him and he could possibly get out undetected. His body was a scrambling mess of fear and panic. He could go to a hotel, maybe the airport, maybe just _run_ all the way back to California - 

“Ben?”

Her voice saying his name caused every goddamn muscle in his body to clench. His shoulders to hunch up involuntarily. He felt like his existence was vibrating from adrenaline. He froze again, the door just barely open.

He turned and there she was, leaning out of the bedroom doorway by an arm. Sweater, leggings, bare feet. Effortlessly stunning.

“Hey,” he said, stupidly, hand clutching the door handle still.

And then she fucking smiled and he felt like his knees might drop out from under him. 

“I didn’t know you were in New York!” She moved forward then stopped. “Wait, were you trying to leave?” She pointed to the door with a teasing frown. 

Feeling like a sheepish asshole he looked at the door beside him like it the first time he had ever seen one. 

“Uh… yeah,” he admitted with a sigh, finally closing the thing, trapping himself inside. He shoved his hands in his pockets and tried to still his pounding heart. “I’m sorry, I just wasn’t expecting to see you here…” He reached up, running a hand down the back of his head and stared at the floor.

“Oh,” she said softly with a slight backward step. 

“I’m happy to see you here!” he gushed suddenly, snapping out of it. He moved forward a little, hands raised in calming gesture. “It’s just — with everything going on, I wasn’t, I didn’t realize you were here, is all.”

God, he fucking hated himself.

Her eyes went wide suddenly and she put a hand over her mouth.

“Oh my God, Snoke!” She closed the gap between them, wrapping her arms around his torso for a hug. Once again Ben’s body ceased to produce movement as he stood, hands frozen in mid-air. The feel of her against him once again, the warmth that radiated from her felt like it was heating him right down to his marrow.

Internally, his mind was shrieking. 

He finally closed the circle, his hands coming to rest softly on her back.

“I know he was an evil old fuck but still,” she mumbled against his chest and he closed his eyes, afraid of the pinching sensation currently behind them. She broke away from him quickly as if struck by the sudden realization that their bodies pressed together was indeed, not a good idea.

She took two steps back.

“I can go,” she offered quickly. She spun on her heels, heading towards the bedroom. “I was meeting with Luke this week, but I was supposed to go home tomorrow anyway. I can find a hotel or maybe crash on his couch.” He followed her and watched as she began gathering her papers off the bed.

He was still so shocked by the turn of events, it felt like he was on a ten-second delay.

“No!” he said, reaching out from the doorway. “I’ll go. I’ll call... somewhere—” he said as he gestured vaguely. 

She paused in her packing.

“It’s your apartment, Ben.”

He nodded. “Yeah, I know, but I told you you could use it whenever you needed to and you need to,” he shrugged. “It’s not a big deal.”

Just then his stomach decided to join the conversation, growling loudly. Both of their eyes went to his hand as it pressed there.

“I was about to order some take out,” she said an amused smile on her face. “You could at least stay for dinner. It’s only been, what? A year and a half since I’ve seen your dumb face.”

 _Since you left me at our best friends’ wedding and fucked off to California to ruin both of our lives_ , he finished, mentally. 

“Sure,” he said out loud, and that produced another smile that sent his nerves racing again.

He wasn’t sure he was going to survive this.

 

 

                                                                                                                                    ***

 

Rey tried not to let her trembling fingers betray her frayed nerves as she reached for what was left of the plates and glasses in the cabinets. 

Ben was here. In this apartment. With her. Alone.

She looked over her shoulder as he spread the food out along the countertop.

She could practically feel the anxiety radiating from him. She probably shouldn’t have taken pleasure from him being a nervous wreck, but she did. Just a little anyway. 

“You sure you weren’t expecting an army to stop by?” he asked, producing yet another container of food from a grease-stained to-go bag. “Or maybe you were planning on feeding an entire Girl Scout Troop?” Half his arm disappeared into the bag and he triumphantly pulled forth a wax paper bag of crab rangoons. “Jackpot.”

Rey laughed. “Listen, I have a theory when it comes to ordering Chinese —” 

“The more you get, the more flavor combinations, the multiple mini-meals,” he finished, head down, ripping open the little bag filled with fried cream cheese stuffed goodness. “I remember.”  

Rey watched him as he took a bite of the crispy wonton and hummed. It was all too familiar yet surreal, to be in this space with him again after everything. She felt a rush of something flood her as she stood in the kitchen across from him. A familiar feeling that tickled the back of her spine and clawed at her stomach from the inside out.

“Why didn’t you tell me about Snoke?”

The words left her mouth before she could stop them. The room, the apartment, the _city_ ,  seemed to become eerily silent. 

Ben’s jaw froze, his cheek puffed out.

“That he was dead?” he asked, casually after a rough swallow. He avoided her gaze, reaching for a glass of water before him.

And instantly, she was furious.

“Don’t do that,” she snapped. Moving forward she planted her hand on the counter, leaning right over the feast of containers before them. “Don’t you _dare_ do that!” she said as she stabbed a finger at him. “You owe me this conversation.”

He pressed his eyes shut, unable to handle the fury in hers. Jaw set, he nodded.

“How much do you know?”

“I know he was blackmailing you. I know he had pictures of us and that he gathered information about my parents and planned on releasing it.” She reached down, plucking a chicken skewer from the box. “I know that despite claiming that I was the love of your life and that we were meant to be together and have kids and the whole happily ever after fucking _bullshit_ —instead, you hunkered down with the twisted fuck and moved to California!” She realized her voice had raised to shouting levels. She flung the chicken back into the box with a frustrated sigh. 

“I was trying to protect you.”

“FROM WHAT?!” she roared. Her entire body felt flushed and overheated. 

“Me,” he answered, pitifully. He was slumped in the stool, looking downright crestfallen.

Rey was at a loss for words. She stared back at him, mouth open, nearly shaking from anger. She slammed down onto the stool across from him, folding her arms in front of her. The pulse in her temple pounded.

They sat in silence for a minute, just looking at each other. Finally, with a sigh, Rey reached forward and snatched one of the white containers off of the counter. She stabbed at it with her chopsticks. 

“Explain,” her eyes flicked up to meet his. He looked as pale as a ghost.

Ben took a chest-rattling sigh.

“It seemed like the right thing to do,” he began. He reached forward, also taking hold of a container. It wobbled in his grasp. She watched as he pulled out some noodles to his plate. “I fucked us up from the beginning. I never should have started anything with you, never should have kissed you, never…” he shook his head. “I have been nothing but a coward and a burden on your life. A—and then, Snoke, he had all of these pictures and stories he was going to release…” he looked up at her, his eyes a gleaming shade of honeyed-amber she would never be able to erase from her mind. 

“I couldn’t let that happen. There was a plan —”

“A _stupid_ fucking plan,” she added, tilting her chin.

He nodded, “A stupid fucking plan that didn’t work.”

Ben sighed, placing his chopsticks down. He paused, his mouth working as he thought about what he would say next.  

“I just thought that if I went away, if I removed myself from your life like that —that… you could be happy, away from all of my mess.”

Rey felt her fingers curling into fists on the counter. She took a deep breath through her nose, eyes clenched shut. 

“You can't throw yourself down on your own sword and expect not to bleed out," she said as she watched him from across the table, his features weighted, his eyes slightly wet. 

It bit at her heart. Sunk its teeth in and tugged.

"I don’t know if I can ever forgive you.” She was surprised by the catch in her own voice as it came out. “For taking you away from me.” When she looked back at him again, his throat was working and his brow was pinched.

“I’m a piece of shit Rey,” he said softly. “You deserve so much better.”

Her lip curled as she raised a finger, hot tears now streaming down her face.

“ _You_ shouldn’t have been the one who got to decide that. That should have been _my_ choice.”

Once again, silence took over the room as they finished their meal.

As he packed up the remainder of the food, Rey uncorked a bottle of wine. He was bending over, placing the refilled paper bag in the fridge when she held out a glass to him. His eyes lowered to it, then raised up to hers silently. He took it and she turned, making her way over to the couch. 

Just a few seconds later, he sank in at the other side. 

“It’s a Cote du Rhone,” she said, giving the glass a few swirls. “It’s best to drink them in the first three to five years.” 

Ben raised the glass to his nose. 

“You’re learning French?”

“And Italian, eventually.”

She sipped. The wine was juicy with ripe and vibrant red berries, then spicy —— with hints of clove and tree bark on the finish. She pictured a bike ride on a sunny day, the wind kissing her hair, the smell of green leaves and soil in the air. 

The silence stretched on for a few tense moments. 

“I hate Bazine.” It just came out of her. Just like that. She nearly winced at the admission. It was the first time she had really let it bubble to the surface.

She could see the pause of the wine at his lips from the corner of her eye.

“That’s… understandable,” he muttered into the glass.

“I hate seeing you and her on Instagram, I hate her stupid hashtags, and I hate that she gets to be public with you and there are _no consequences_ ,” she huffed an angry breath into her glass and muttered, “it’s so unfair.”

“I hate Dopey —”

“That’s not his name...” Despite herself, Rey let out a little chuckle. 

“Dopheld,” Ben corrected, with a bit of a smirk. “I couldn’t have asked for a better guy to come along but...” he paused, thoughtfully. “Yeah, just the thought of him makes me want to choke someone.” He looked down at his glass in his lap, then winced. “Perhaps not the best thing to joke about in the current state of affairs.”

Rey frowned, tilting her head to the side.

“Oh,” Ben must have realized that she had absolutely no clue what he was referring to. “Snoke died paying some guy to choke him out during sex. Big secret though, so don’t go around telling everyone on the internet.”

Rey scoffed, “Well, I’m not _Bazine_ ,” she muttered, more teasing than cruel. Ben smirked at that too.

Rey adjusted herself, knee folded under her leg as she turned to face him.

“How do you know about Dopheld? We’ve never talked about him.” 

She watched as he traced his thumb across the lip of his wine glass, thoughtfully.

“You think I don’t want to know how someone is treating my girl?” he said softly.

An eruption of emotion fluttered through Rey’s body as she watched his brow furrow, eyes cast down at his glass. Joy, anger, resentment, confusion——the desire to reach out and either contact her fist to his jaw or trace it with her fingers.

He swallowed. 

“Finn tells me he opens car doors for you, Rose tells me he’s thoughtful, despite the fact that she will never, _ever_ see you with anyone but me,” he laughed a little sadly at that. “And Poe tells me he treats you like ‘the sun shines out of your ass’'', he risked a glance at her then. “His quote, obviously.”

This was too much. She felt dizzy and sickened and conflicted. She closed her eyes in an attempt to steady herself.

“I wish you had just told me,” she said, just barely above a whisper. Her mind was reeling, zipping back and forth over the last year and a half. Everything that happened, everything that could have changed. “What he was doing... I — I could have helped you. We could have fought him together,” the disappointment in her voice caused him to hang his head when she looked at him again. 

He shook his head, “I didn’t want you anywhere near him.”

“And look at what it cost you,” she said, no sharpness to her tone. Just a dull and weary observation.

“Everything,” he admitted. He groaned. “I’m a fucking moron, Rey,” he lifted his head again and gave her a tight smile. “Every chance I have to make the right choice, I don’t. I fuck it up every single time. It’s like… some sort of backward superpower. The irredeemable asshole.”

She looked at him, eyes drifting over his defeated face. Older, so much more tense and tired than she remembered. 

She still loved him, even after everything. All of the hurt. All of the pain. He was still Ben.

Yet, everything was too far gone now. Ruined. It was destroyed and they both knew it. 

He looked back at her, eyes watching her watch him. It was like he was reading her mind.

“It’s always you, Rey,” he swallowed roughly. “It’s always gonna be.”

She held his eyes, blinking back her own tears that threatened to betray her.

“I’ve tried to move on, be with others… but it’s always going to be you,” he said softly, turning away from her, raising the shaking glass to his lips.    

It was what she thought she wanted to hear but at this moment it felt heart-breakingly tragic. Like the weakest of victories.

“I found the ring.”

Ben made a sound like being punched in the gut and closed his eyes, head dropping back to the couch.

“ _Jesus_ , this night just keeps getting better and better...” he muttered a hint of amusement in his voice.

“I know, it’s like now that you’re here I can’t stop my verbal diarrhea,” she gave a little listless laugh, swiping quickly at her lashes. 

Ben smiled, his eyes still closed. Then he pitched forward to standing and disappeared into the bedroom before returning with the small, black box. 

He stood before her and held it out in his palm.

“Not exactly how I imagined giving it to you, but still…” he said grievously. She looked up at him with a frown and he tossed his head a little. “It is _yours_.”

She took it and he sat back on the couch.

She twisted the box in her fingers observing it quietly. The first time she had found it, she fell to the floor, her knees had given out from the shock of it. She knew exactly what it was without even opening it. She threw a pair of pants over it and quickly abandoned her search for a comfortable sweater, leaving the closet and trying to calm her hysterical breathing.

It was too soon then. 

Now, as it turned in her hands, it seemed a lot less devastating. 

She pushed at the top with her thumb, the small thing snapping open with a creak. 

And there it was. A gorgeous, blushing and sparkling thing that was supposed to be a symbol of everything they had together, everything they were _going_ to have together. It was mesmerizing.

Her finger looped in and tugged the band out of its resting spot between the white cushions. 

Ben sucked in a barely audible breath as she slid it on her finger.

“What do you think would have happened if Leonard Snoke never came into our lives?” she asked quietly as she rolled her hand from side to side, hypnotized by the gleaming and glittering thing. 

Ben remained silent and when she finally looked up at him, his face nearly shattered her heart all over again.

The weight of the stone pulled on her finger and in an instant, she was snapped back into the reality of what she had just done. 

Rey yanked at the band around her finger, pulling it off in a swift move. She pressed it back into its place with her thumb and the box closed with a devastating snap that made Ben jump slightly.

“I obviously can’t take this,” she said, offering it back to him. “Engagement rings deplete in value after purchase anyway. I would hardly get anything for it at the pawnshop,” she prayed he would take her joke in kind.

Despite looking like he was just about to cry or vomit or maybe ask her to marry him for real this time, he recovered quickly with a short laugh.

“You could turn it into a pendant?”

She hummed thoughtfully. “I mean if you were really sorry, you’d buy me another stone and I could just have outrageously obnoxious earrings.” She smiled and held the box by the side of her face as if to show him.  

Leaning forward, she gently placed the box onto the coffee table.

“I should get to bed,” she said, standing up. Ben shot up beside her.

“Yeah, I’ll call an Uber - ”

“Just stay,” she offered, moving around the couch towards the bathroom. “You can get the bed, I’ll sleep on the couch.”

She looked back at him as he stood, awkward and huge, looking like a nervous little boy. Toes slightly pitched in towards each other, hands fidgeting at his sides. It was almost endearing.

“I’ll — I’ll sleep on the couch,” he said.

Rey nodded. 

“Suit yourself,” and she closed the bathroom door behind her.

  
  


                                                                                                                                     ***

 

Ben’s heart boomed in his chest as he lay awake, trying to get himself to sleep. He could feel it in his limbs, his fingertips, his ears. Thinking about her beside him, as she stretched her fingers up, admiring the ring on her hand in silent reflection. Her eyes distant, perhaps thinking about what could have been.

Ben pressed his hands to his face with a heavy sigh.

How on earth did he get here? So far away from everything he wanted.

The love of his life sleeping in his bed in the next room and him, not beside her. 

Him, out here on the couch marinating in every stupid choice he had ever made that led him to this very moment. 

Eventually, sleep must have taken him, because the next thing he knew, he was being woken by her gentle voice and the curl of her fingers brushing hair behind his ear.

He started a little, eyes snapping open.

It was morning. She was dressed, ready to head out for the day. His gut clenched. He wasn’t ready for her to go.

Her hand drifted away from the side of his face and he thought about pulling it back, pressing it to his cheek, pressing his nose—his mouth into it. 

He didn’t move.

“I’m going to Luke’s,” she said quietly. 

He groaned a little and sat up, swinging his feet to the floor.

“Okay… uh,” he pressed the heel of his hand to his forehead for a moment. Wow, he felt disorientated. He must have really needed some rest. “Are you —” his brain felt a little scrambled, despite only having a singular glass of wine. “Are you coming back… after?” he blinked up at her.

She looked down at him, her face soft, waved brown hair a perfect frame. A sad smile.

“No, Ben. I’m not coming back.”

He nodded, choking down the understanding that there was way more to that statement than the surface value.    

She reached forward, her hand gently cupping the back of his neck as she leaned down and rested her mouth against the crown of his head for a kiss.

Ben couldn’t control the clench of his features as he closed his eyes, the intensity of his emotions coming to a sharp and stabbing apex. 

She surrounded him. Her hair, her smell, her touch, her voice.

She let out a sigh against his hair.

“I need you to take better care of yourself,” her voice was strained, clearly struggling with her own emotions. “No more self-destruction, no more stupid choices, no more irredeemable asshole.”

He nodded, afraid that if he spoke, it would come out in a wail. 

“Okay,” she whispered, straightening up and running her hand down the side of his head. Again, he was struck with the urge to follow her palm with his face.

_Touch me. Help me. Heal me. Forgive me. Love me again. Please._

“I’ll call you later this week,” she said from the door. 

Ben nodded, unable to look  up. The soft click of the lock let him know that she was finally gone. His eyes drifted up to the coffee table, where the small black box still sat, but beside it now rested Rey’s set of his apartment keys. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now we heal.


	21. Now & Then

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thievery, denial, colon slips, premature textulation, scotch. 
> 
> "We grew from one to another  
> Learning what we would fall into  
> Attraction tells when what want most  
> Found found heard where I'd gone  
> Some things had changed  
> But others stayed the same and you  
> You had your stories  
> Some different stories I left behind  
> I knew then what I know now  
> I may lose it for a second now and then"  
> \- [Sjowgren](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETE1Kqqx6II)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks always to [JenfysNest](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenfysNest) who is gracious enough to take time out of her life to Beta this story and leave me funny little comments in Google Docs.

Rey sat in her car outside of her apartment, eyes focused on the heavy gem that was still sitting on her finger. She wore it the entire ride home, fingers nervously tapping against the steering wheel, eyes dangerously drifting to it and off the road more than they should have.

A million barely strung together thoughts flashed through her mind as she watched the reflection of the windshield and the sky outside whiz by on the shiny, pale pink surface.

It was a gift. Just a gift. She could accept a gift with no meaning. She could wear it on her right hand? Maybe have it turned into a hideous broach?

Panic bubbled up inside her. What was she going to say when Ben found out? Would he find out? _What if he asked her about it?_

She tried to calm herself. Knowing Ben Solo, one of two things occurred when she left his apartment that morning. Either, the box was hurled out the window in a fit of unbridled rage or he was a blubbering, liquid mess of a man who tossed it in a drawer somewhere, hoping to never look at it again.

Maybe he would never know? Was that worse? Maybe she should tell him...

Rey groaned, scrubbing her face with her hands.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid._

She knew she was lying to herself.

She knew it when she stood before Ben in the morning light, watching his relaxed face as he slept. That beautiful aquiline nose pointed up and away from her, those enticing sooty waves swept away from his face. He looked like a tranquil sleeping Prince from a fairy tale. 

But Ben Solo was no Prince. That was for sure.

Still, the firmly packed compartment in which she crammed her romantic feelings for Ben sprung open like a jack-in-the-box, shocking her where she stood. It took everything she had not to lower herself beside him, burrow between him and the couch and rub her face against the curve of his jaw. To let him hold her again. To feel the deep rumble of his chest as he said her name. Let his large hands run over her back. His soft mouth pressing to hers, leading to long and lazy kisses, slowly rolled hips, and being so filled with him it made her lose her breath.

It was wrong. 

But she missed him. His warmth, the solidity of his presence. The comfort it brought her. The ache of it was nearly crippling. 

She had to get out of there. Away from these feelings. Away from him.

She was going to leave the ring. She had also decided that it was time for her to leave her keys. She needed to move forward. Needed to be done with this stupid, unrealistic fantasy that someday this was all going to end happily ever after. 

She picked up the box, opening it one last time. 

The ring was absolutely stunning. She was painfully in love with it.

It occurred to her that throughout her life, no one had really given her such a thing of value. Small gifts here and there, birthday presents, random electronics, but nothing like this. 

It flashed and glittered in the warmth of the golden morning sun which so beautifully painted Ben’s apartment.  

Behind her, Ben stirred in his sleep. 

Impulsive and panicked, Rey pulled it from its resting place and shoved it in her pocket, placing the box back on the table beside her keys. 

 _Scavenger._ That’s what Plutt used to unkindly call her. Always finding things, hiding them, storing them away to keep them safe for later. Food, clean socks, money, tokens, anything she was desperate to keep for herself. She had hiding places everywhere back in her childhood foster home. She guessed some things never changed.

It felt like a searing little circle through the fabric of her jeans the entire time she met with Luke. She felt it on the subway, on the walk to the parking garage. As soon as she was in the privacy of her car, she pulled it out again, examining it, taking in every detail. 

Then, she put it on and drove home.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Rey spat, leaning her head forward to bump against her clenched hands on the steering wheel. 

Impulse was something that never seemed to work in Rey’s favor. It probably wouldn’t this time either. Now she was truly stuck with it. 

And what was she going to do with it anyway? She honestly couldn’t wear it. Couldn’t casually pass it off as an impulse buy she simply couldn’t live without. Not to mention what a horrible insult that would be to Dopheld.

She could picture it now.

_“Whoa, where did that rock come from?”_

_“Oh, this? This was supposed to be my engagement ring from my ex-lover, you know the one I never talk about because it hurts too goddamn much? Oh right, you don’t know because it’s just easier for me to pretend it never happened. Right, well, it’s Ben. You know, my best friend Ben? The stupidly famous one I talk to on a regular basis? We were in love. ANYWHO, remember that weekend I went to study with Luke? Yeah, well turns out Ben was there unexpectedly and we had an emotional throw down and he just gave this to me! I was going to leave it behind but then decided to take it at the last minute because I am an arsehole, idiot, FOOL. Lovely, isn’t it?”_

Rey bumped her head on the wheel a few more times before sitting back, tilting her face up to the roof with a sigh.

She pulled the damned thing off of her finger and put it back in her pocket.

She would find a drawer, a corner, a loose floorboard maybe, and stow it there. Hide it. Forget about it. Hope and pray it never got brought up again. 

God, she was so mad at herself. She pushed open her car door, stepping out into the damp and chilly air, ready to get on with her evening.

 

                                                                                                                         ***

 

Kaydel sat on his floor among the piles of papers and storage boxes that had taken over Ben’s apartment. Decades of information, piled up and pilfered through. She tipped her head back with a groan, pinching her nose underneath her glasses. Her hair was strewn up in two buns on either side of her head, making her look more like a teenager studying for finals as opposed to the future leader of a mega-corporation. 

Ben sat with his back against the couch, also on the floor. He was lost in a signed contract from 1984. A gag order and a hefty payment of sums. Hush money.

“I swear if this bastard wasn’t already dead, I’d kill him,” Kaydel moaned, stretching her neck. 

Ben huffed in solidarity. 

Kay thunked down the pile from her lap off to the side as she rose to stand. 

“You got anything to eat in this joint?” she asked, making her way to the kitchen.

“About forty more pounds of leftover Chinese I’ll be eating for the next week,” he muttered, eyes scanning over the page, looking for any more details. 

He could hear the fridge open and the hiss of a “ _yesss_ ” from behind him. 

“Oh man! You weren’t _kidding!_ ” her tone was probably the most gleeful he had ever heard it. Bags rustled, cabinets closed, plates moved, silverware tinkled. 

“You want some?”

“Yeah sure, give me whatever,” he shifted his glasses above his head and took a moment to pinch his eyes shut. They were getting tired from hours of strain. He kept them closed, letting his head fall back.

Snoke was dead, but his secrets were not. They finally had access to his office and the vault that was kept there. It was… exhausting.

“Were you high off your ass or did you plan on feeding the building?” she said, among beeps to the microwave.

Ben laughed.

“Rey ordered it.”

There was a very long pause, the only sound being the soft whur of the microwave as it reheated the food. Then footsteps that stopped right beside him. He cracked open one of his eyes. 

She was towering above him, hands on hips, brow furrowed.

“Did I…” she paused, shaking her head, “did I hear you correctly?”

With a groan, Ben slapped his hands to his face.

“Yes. She was here. She didn’t know I was in the city,” he mumbled from under the cover of his hands.

“And you both… stayed here?”

Ben nodded, dropping his hands to his sides.

“Did you..?” she turned her head to the side with a suggestive squint.

“No. Nothing happened. She has a boyfriend now.”

“And you have a _Bazine_ ,” Kaydel added with a tone like she was talking about something much worse—like fruit flies or bed bugs. She disliked Bazine with unabashed clarity. Like all things Kaydel, she didn’t have a problem telling him about it, either. 

“Right,” he said, miserably. He hadn’t heard a word from Bazine in the last 72 hours since they parted ways in Vegas. His early text messages had gone unanswered. He eventually abandoned sending any more and hadn’t been on Twitter or Instagram to see what she was up to. Being back in New York, being so close to home— _seeing Rey_ , had brought him to the frightening reality of how disconnected he had been from himself over the last year and a half. He wasn’t sure where Bazine fit into that anymore.

He wasn’t sure where _he_ fit into things anymore. He had given up and unplugged. Now, he didn’t know where to go.

Kaydel sat down on the couch above him.

“Well, did you guys talk?” she prodded, irritatingly reminding him of his mother and the way she used to pry. For two women who had never met, they were exhaustingly similar.

“Yeah, but nothing was going to change. I fucked up too big, too many times. It’s…” he paused, searching for the right words. He sighed. “It’s over.”   

He thought about how she left the ring and her keys. About how he sat on the couch and stared at them for God knows how long, debating what to do next. Pitch the box across the room or throw it out of the window for some lucky bastard to stumble upon? Drop in the trash or shove it in the bed of some unsuspecting neighbor’s flowerbox? He settled for putting it back in its spot in the closet. Maybe when he eventually moved out, he would just leave it there as a welcome gift for the next occupant. 

Besides, the ring didn’t seem to hurt as much anymore now that he had her keys.

The keys were punctuation. A period closing out a final sentence. She had made her choice and it wasn’t him.

He couldn’t even blame her for that. He wouldn’t choose him either. Not when she had some super-human, perfect boyfriend to go home to every night. He imagined Dopheld being the kind of guy who always knew what to say to her, always instinctively knew what she needed and how to give it to her. He probably gave her a foot massage every night in a rose petal bath while singing her Italian operas. 

Behind them, the microwave dinged. 

“Well that’s pathetic,” Kaydel said with a huff. Ben twisted around to look at her, incredulously.

“How?”

She opened her arms to the mess all around them. “What is the point of all of this if you don’t get the girl?”

Ben rolled his eyes.

“You don’t understand…”

“Don’t have to. You two still love each other. It’s _really_ simple.”

“As friends,” he pointed out.

“ _As friends_ ,” she mocked in her perfected deep baritone she loved to use when she was arguing with him. “Ben, I have _seen_ the way that woman looks at you. Have watched you two lovesick dopes ogle each other like no one else exists. I’ve overheard the phone calls. I have seen your _naked ass_ because you were too distracted to hear someone coming into the apartment while you—”

Ben cringed and raised a hand, signaling to her that he understood.    

“I know. I know all of that. But it’s too far gone now. I’ve lost her. I let her go and I lost her. She’s gone,” it came out of him a bit choked. 

“No one's ever really gone.”

Ben let out a low growl of frustration. “I can not possibly come back into her life and fuck everything up again. _I can’t!_ ”

“So _don’t!_ ” Kaydel practically yelled. “Don’t fuck it up! Make it _right!_ ”

“How would I even _begin_ to do that?” he asked her, exasperated. He was becoming more and more agitated by the moment. “I can’t just barge down there, punch her boyfriend, and throw her over my shoulder. She’s happy. She’s with a good guy. She deserves that!”

“But what if that’s not really what she wants. What if she still wants you?”

He could practically feel Rey’s fingers in his hair, her lips pressed into his crown. 

How badly he wanted lift his head and capture her mouth. Touch her face again, pull her onto him, bury himself inside her until he couldn't tell where he ended and she began. To breathe her in and let her consume him. He’d never let her go. Die in her arms, on this stupid couch, if it meant not being without her again.

“She doesn’t. I’m no good for her,” he muttered, closing his eyes. 

“If you say so,” Kaydel conceded, lifting from the couch and making her way to the kitchen. He went back to skimming the page as he heard the sound of her rearranging the plates, pressing the buttons again and restarting the microwave.

“Hi,” her voice rang out from the kitchen, making Ben jump a little. He twisted himself to look back at her again. She stood at the counter, phone pressed to her ear as she blew on a steaming pile of fried rice on her fork. “I was hoping to book an appointment for a new patient, do you happen to have any openings?” She took a bite, then waved at her mouth a little, attempting to cool it down. She chewed and then nodded. 

“Sure, I’ll hold,” she placed her phone on the counter and tapped it, scooping up another forkful of rice as soft, elevator music flooded that apartment. 

“What are you doing?” he asked her.

“Booking you a therapy appointment. This shit is no longer in my pay grade.”

 

                                                            

                                                                                                                          ***

 

"Do you want to come with me to Minnesota?"

Rey was standing at the kitchen island, dutifully stirring a barley risotto. Before her, Dopheld was on the couch, several papers spread out around him, littering the coffee table ahead of him, his lap and legs, as he had them stretched out, his one arm draped over the back to look at her.

"What for?" Rey questioned, somewhat curious, as she tasted the slow cooking dish. It was almost there, just a few more minutes.

"To meet my family," he said simply.

Rey paused, a zip of panic shooting through her. Her eyes shot up to him but he was frowning at his phone. 

"My baby sister's getting married and honestly, my mother just won't let up on the fact that she hasn't been able to meet you. It's getting a little grating…"

Rey's anxiety shot through the roof. Her whole body erupted into a full-blown sweat and she felt like she may have to check the floor to see if her colon had dropped out of her. She turned down the heat on the range and quickly grabbed the oven mitt beside her to fan herself.

They had been together as a couple seven months officially that Sunday. She had not remembered. He made her dinner and bought her a pair of earrings, telling her it wasn’t a big deal.  

She felt like a shithead.

She was still learning what it meant to be in a relationship. A _normal_ relationship. Hell, Rey had a very loose grasp on what was normal at all at this point in her life. She had built her own family, carved out her own career. Now she was cluelessly stumbling through the stages of a relationship with a man who seemed to be an expert of all things “boyfriend”. It sometimes made her feel inadequate. It shouldn’t, but it did.  

He looked up from his phone.

"Uh oh," he said, playfully. 

Rey shook her head and blinked, forcing a smile. "Uh oh, what?" She prayed it was a quick recovery. 

"You've got your overthinking it face on," he teased, resting his chin on his arm that ran the back of the couch.

She bit her lip, once again focusing on the cooking grains. 

"I've just…" she busied herself by folding in the squash she had already cooked and was resting on the countertop. "I've never…" a sheepish shoulder raised to her ear.

Dopheld was up, already rounding the couch and making his way to her. His warm hands gently gripped her shoulders and he placed a kiss on her cheek.

"I know. It's a lot for you. For us. But," he handed her the diced chicken, which she took with a small smile. "Just think about it."

Boy, did she think about it. She thought about it mindlessly chewing her dinner, she thought about it when he kissed her goodnight and explained he had a beast of a morning and couldn't stay over. Thought about it at midnight and then again as she lay awake at 2 am. 

He wanted her to meet his family. To _travel_ to meet his family. His brothers and sisters and parents that he talked about so lovingly. This was a big deal. 

She pulled off her covers. She was starting to sweat again. 

She should be over the moon. Any normal woman probably would be. What was _wrong_ with her?

She shifted her head to look behind her, craning her neck to look to the top drawer of her dresser. Thinking about the small bag she had hidden, tucked all the way in the back of her drawer, and what was inside it.

She let out a deep sigh, turning over and punching her pillow with a frustrated fist.

From the charging spot on her bedside table, her phone lit up, shifting the brightness in the room. She thought about letting it go, rolling over, and trying to force herself to sleep. A minute went by before she begrudgingly reached for her phone.

 

**BEN: Can't sleep. Still on west coast time. Thought you might be awake?**

 

Something in Rey's chest twisted and held. It had been three weeks now. He was still in New York.

She knew there was a lot to organize with Snoke's sudden passing. She assumed a lot of lawyers’ meetings and red tape had to be involved before Ben was completely and totally appointed as CEO. She didn’t like to talk to him about _First Order_ business. It hurt far more than any woman he might have been seeing or a random picture on Instagram. As far as she was concerned, the _First Order_ was a gluttonous, devouring mistress she would never get Ben back from. He was officially all hers now.

 

**REY: Need Amazon Prime recs?**

**BEN: No. I need you**

 

There was a moment, just briefly, where she thought that her soul might have left her body. She blinked at the message, phone trembling in her hand.

Immediately, the messages tumbled in, one after another.

 

**BEN: I NEED YOUR ADVICE**

**BEN: I need your help**

**BEN: Shit. I'm sorry**

**BEN: I’m so sorry!**

**BEN: Premature message sending**

 

A part of Rey relaxed, another part felt slightly... disappointed? No, that’s ridiculous.

She huffed a laugh and thumbed away at her phone held above her face in the dark.

 

**REY: Aha. Premature textulation**

**REY: No worries, I hear it happens to most guys**

**BEN: 🙄**

**REY: 🤷‍♀️** ♀️ **"The dick joke you don't make is the dick joke no one can laugh at" - Poe Dameron**

**REY: Anyway, what troubles you, Solo?**

 

Rey watched the three dots appear, then disappear, then reappear.

 

**BEN: Can I just call you?**

 

Rey stared at the words for a moment, her eyes drifting up to the top corner of her phone. 2:13 am. 

Was this wrong? Should she be having a conversation with him this late at night? Before she could answer her own question, she was already tapping his contact.

He answered in one ring.

"Hey," his voice was rough, worn, and tired. It made her tingle.

"Hi," she whispered, rolling to her side, facing the wall. The lights from outside cast dull orange shadows that occasionally floated up to the ceiling, reflecting the headlights of a passing car. 

She could hear him draw in and out a deep breath across the line. The wait seemed endless before he finally spoke. 

"If you had the option to bring down an empire built on deception, lies, and abuse while defiling the life-long work of a dead man, would you?"

Rey paused, her mind turning it over. 

"He's not here to defend himself," she offered, playing devil's advocate. 

"No. And many will try to vindicate him."

Her heart was beating rapidly. "And if you were to completely dismantle the whole thing, it would put, what—hundreds out of work?"

"Thousands," he corrected, quietly.

Rey struggled with the crushing feeling in her chest. The stinging reality that Ben would truly never be free. Never realistically come back. 

"That's a lot of innocent lives affected," she whispered as her fingers toyed with the edge of her pillowcase. 

He hummed in agreement. "What if I could replace it. Make it something better? Would that… is that something…" another heavy sigh. "I am still doing the right thing if I keep his secrets? If I don’t tell the world what he did, to protect others and myself?"

“They’re not your secrets to defend, Ben. If someone comes forward and wants vengeance for what Snoke may have done in the past, you should support them. Believe them. Find a way to help them.”

He was quiet for a second or two.

“Yeah, I could do that.”

“Take the hidden money and put it towards a good cause. Make First Order the transparent and honest company it was pretending to be all along. You of all people are capable of doing that.”

He gave a quiet little laugh, which made her smile. 

“I should hire you to give me all of my pep-talks,” she could hear him shifting around. She wondered if he was in the living room or trying to get comfortable in bed. She wondered what he was wearing. His grey sweats and a cotton tee? No shirt at all. She scolded herself for even having the thought.

“You couldn’t afford me for that,” she joked, rolling to her back. The shadows from the trees outside stretched and crawled across her ceiling.

He laughed again, the shifting finally coming to an end. “It would be a pretty draining position, I admit." 

Rey paused, chewing on her cheek.

"I have another suggestion, but you aren't going to like it…"

"Oh?"

"Luke," she said, plainly. "Go to Luke."

Ben grunted. He was quiet, maybe actually considering the possibility before he replied a low grumbled, "Maybe." 

But then he quickly changed the subject. "Anything, in particular, keeping you awake tonight?”

She jolted, her heart racing once again. Was he talking about the ring? Had he found the box empty? She swallowed roughly, trying to calm herself.

“No, just the usual. Can’t shut my brain off. A hamster running endlessly on a spinning wheel,” she joked lightly.

“Okay…” he offered in that tone that told her he didn’t completely believe her. “Well, I will let you go then. I’ll see you this weekend.”

Another jolt. He was coming. He was actually coming to Poe’s birthday dinner. Suddenly, she was sweating again.

“Okay, uh, yeah. Should be a lot of fun,” she pressed out in a sigh. 

“I’m looking forward to seeing everyone. It’s been a while since we’ve all gotten together.” _Since the wedding_ , Rey thought. _We haven’t all been together since the wedding_. 

“I’m sure it’ll be a night to remember, especially if Poe has anything to say about it.”

Ben laughed, “Goodnight, Rey. And, thank you… for everything.”

There was something in his voice that made her stomach flutter. She clutched her phone in her hand and swallowed roughly. 

“Goodnight, Ben,” she whispered, before ending the call. 

She was never going to sleep now. 

 

                                                                                                                         ***

 

Ben stood on the sidewalk and buried his face further into the collar of his coat.

This was stupid. He should leave. 

He turned, jamming his ice-cold hands in his pockets, wishing he had remembered his gloves. 

He stopped, subconsciously stomped his foot on the pavement before turning on it again, facing the building once more.

_Just go inside. Rey is right. He can probably help you. It will be fine. It can’t be any harder than talking with Han._

Even Dr. Kenobi thought it could be "productive" to open an adult line of communication between he and his estranged uncle. Maybe he could make the same kind of progress he and Han had.

Ben nodded to himself, stepped forward, and then stopped. 

But this was different. This was a much more focused hurt. Stabbing. More pin-pointed and precise.

He had never really forgiven his uncle Luke. Never really let go of the dull and throbbing ache of the betrayal he felt from being rejected. Knowing he wasn’t good enough to work for him. Being told he had no place in the future he had already mapped out for himself so clearly, night after night, as he lay in bed, anticipating his graduation from culinary school. Even years later, it wounded him like an unseen scar.  

Before him, the glass door to the restaurant he was pacing in front of swung open and Luke stood in the doorway, looking amused and irritating as ever.

“You coming in or are you just going to wear down my sidewalk all day?” he joked.

Ben grit his teeth slightly and let a sigh out through his nose. He moved forward, brushing past his chuckling uncle and into the small, cozy establishment.   

It was different than he remembered. The obvious updates evident through newer table settings, lights, decorations, and linens. But the overall space seemed smaller to Ben. It had been well over a decade since he had stepped foot in the building.

Ben shuddered under his coat, outside of the chilly air, but not quite warm yet. 

“You still drinking that matcha bullshit?” Luke asked, circling around him and making his way to the large, crystalline, unlit bar across the room. The crystal bar was the main focal point of the establishment. An inner lit, luminous thing that was truly breath-taking in the middle of a dim, romantic dinner service.

“Not since I was eighteen,” Ben grumbled, moving forward, hands still shoved into his coat pockets.

“Seems like just yesterday to me, kid,” Luke pulled forth a scotch bottle and poured them both a fingers width. “But good, ‘cause I don’t have any,” he raised his glass, waiting for Ben to take his. They tapped the rims before Ben brought the glass to his nose.

Moss, bark, a hint of a creamy undertone. Ben took a sip and let it coat his taste buds. Not the cheap stuff.

“So,” Luke began, examining his own glass after taking a sip. “Seven years in the city and this is your first drop-in. For what do I owe the pleasure?”

“My therapist suggested it,” Ben said casually, choosing to leave Rey out of it for now.

“Ah, finally made it to one of those.”

Ben hummed, taking another sip of the scotch. 

“Apparently trying to burn down everything in your past and leave it to die is not the healthiest way to go about life. Everything finds a way to circle back, whether you want it to or not.”

Luke made a grunt of agreement. “Ain’t that the truth of it,” his clear blue eyes, much more wrinkled and detailed than Ben had remembered from Leia's funeral, observed him. They looked at him with a hint of fondness he also hadn’t seen in a long time. “So, go ahead. Hit me with it.”  

Ben tapped the glass on the bar, gently, thoughtfully. He took a deep breath.

“I need to make some changes. Big ones. I’m… gonna need some guidance,” he couldn’t bring himself to raise his eyes to the other man, not just yet. He nervously traced a vein-like groove in the gorgeously soft mineral bartop. How could something so hard feel so downy at the tips of his fingers?

“You’re all I have left of her,” Ben said thoughtfully. Although he and Leia rarely saw eye-to-eye, she was still his mother. Still, a confidant currently missing from his world. A feeling of hollowness crept over him briefly.  

Luke made a noise, which caused Ben to finally raise his eyes to Lukes. _Were they watering?_

“Sure,” Luke said quickly, looking away. “Whatever you need, Ben. But I have to admit, the shock of this may send me into the early stages of heart failure. I often pictured a dartboard with my face on it hanging in your office somewhere, considering how much you seemed to hate me.”

Ben let out an amused huff.

“Hate is a strong word. It was more of a…” he paused thoughtfully. “Venomous detest.”

“A-ha,” Luke nodded, snickering a little to himself. “Always so creative.”  

Ben paused, unsure if he would move forward with the confession that was currently bearing down on his chest like a thousand-pound boulder. He decided it was now or never.

“When Mom shipped me off to you when I was in culinary school, I thought we were going to have this bond. This apprenticeship that was going to lead me to my destiny. I thought I was going to move to New York, run _Jedi_ , become a master restaurateur, just like you… but I was never good enough. No matter how hard I tried, I was never _good enough_ . It…” Ben shifted uncomfortably. He felt exposed, emotionally raw and stinging in the open air. “It felt like nothing I ever did was good enough. Not for you, not for Pop... not for Mom,” Ben felt the constricting strain on his throat as he tried to swallow down his emotions. “I just needed one of you, _just one of you_ , to believe in me! Why was that— _fuck—_ why _is_ that something a kid even has to ask for? To beg for? To lay in bed at night and think about why they are so undeserving of it?”

Surprisingly, Ben was not feeling angry. Instead, he thought about himself, as a teenager, brimming with anger and resentment. He thought about the hours spent wanting to find ways to vent that frustration, but never really understanding how. Should he draw? Learn how to box? Stand in a field and scream? Start fights with strangers? What exactly does someone do with emotions that are hijacking their own bodies, short-circuiting everything they thought they knew about themselves? How do you stop it? Where does it all go? If anything, it made him feel sad for that lost boy.

“I couldn’t trust you,” Luke stated. It was neither soft or hard, just factual. “You were a powderkeg and I had no idea if or when you were going to blow.” He let out a deep sigh, sculling the rest of the drink and resting the glass to the bar. “Furthermore, you needed to do it on your own. Not coast on someone else's coattails. Not mine, not your mother’s, not Snoke’s. You were supposed to do it on your own. It was the only way you were going to figure it out.” 

Luke’s eyes rose to meet Ben’s, his face was kind, but in a sad, thoughtful way. “You have more raw talent than anyone else I have ever known, but you can't stop getting in your own way.” 

At that, Ben let out a bitter but amused laugh. 

“You’re certainly right about that,” his lashes felt wet and he had to clear his throat and look away from his uncle—to the darkened bulbs in the lights hanging above the bar, to the rows and rows of liquor displayed above him. Anywhere else but to the man before him.

It was quiet for a stretch, the two men sitting, lost in their own thoughts. Finally, Luke spoke.

“You still in love with her?”

“Hopelessly,” Ben muttered into his drink, finishing it. He swallowed down the slightly burning liquid and rested his glass on the bar. 

“She’s a good one. Brilliant, truly talented. Certainly doubts herself way more than she should,” Luke grabbed the empty glasses between his fingers and rested them on the stainless steel sink behind the bar. “It could do her some good to see someone fighting as hard for her as she has had to fight for herself.”

Ben blinked back at his uncle, something inside of him stirring. 

He jumped up, agitated, suddenly ready to move. Ready to take action. Ready to do _something_ , despite not knowing exactly what.

“Thanks for meeting with me, Luke,” he said as he made his way quickly to the door. “Can you send me a contact for your business lawyer?”

“You got it,” he gave Ben a soft smile. “I’ll see ya around the city, kid.”

Ben returned it, pausing in the open doorway with a small shake of his head.

“I don't think so... I think I’m going home.”


	22. Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killer dress, giant spiders, tequila, unexpected appearances, Frank Sinatra, epic sing-alongs, awkward shared feelings set to bad 80's music in public. 
> 
> "And we can build this dream together  
> Standing strong forever  
> Nothing's gonna stop us now  
> And if this world runs out of lovers  
> We'll still have each other  
> Nothing's gonna stop us  
> Nothing's gonna stop us now"  
> \- [Starship](https://youtu.be/3wxyN3z9PL4)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love this fictional group of people more than I can say. Enjoy a night out with them, you deserve it!
> 
> **tequila is not your friend.

Rey shifted nervously in the waiting area of a high-end steakhouse, fidgeting with her coat. Smoothing it over, a tug here, a pinch there. For probably the four thousandth time she checked her watch. 

7:55. Dinner was at 8. Drinks and karaoke at 10. A fun night with friends to celebrate the birth of Poe. Nothing to be nervous about. 

She blew out a long breath. 

She was almost relieved when Dopheld said he couldn’t make it to join them out afterward. She certainly didn’t _not_ want him there… it just would have been... harder.

This was going to be the first time they were all together again and she wasn’t sure how it was going to play out. She was probably being paranoid for nothing.

Among the group, they all had their own special dynamics. Ben and Rose had known each other the longest and seemed to have a kindred loyalty to each other. Finn and Rey connected on a level the others simply couldn’t understand. Ben and Finn called each other for cooking advice, fashion tips, and passionate talks about politics. Poe and Ben had a dysfunctional brotherhood. Rey and Rose could sit up for hours and never run out of things to talk about. It’s what made the group work. 

But the end of Rey and Ben tilted the group off its axis. Although no one actively took sides (there was no reason to), there had been a definite shift in opinions after the break-up. Poe and Finn more aligned with Rey (she accidentally heard Poe fighting with Ben one phone call very adamantly persisting that he “pull his head from his ass”) and Rose naturally defended Ben at every turn. Knowing the truth about Snoke now, Rey could understand her allegiance over the last several months with more clarity.

But surely, everyone was thinking the same thing. How uncomfortable was this going to be? Could the group of them recover?

Their New York confrontation a month ago had caused an imbalance in Rey she didn’t necessarily appreciate. It snuck up on her like a dark shadow in the middle of the night. She forced herself to turn away from it. To deny it. To bury it in the back of her underwear drawer and purposely pretend it didn’t exist. 

She resolved that she was not going to allow her feelings for Ben to rekindle no matter how hot the embers glowed and shone. She would douse them, drown them. Force them to die in a quiet hiss and rise of steam. The last thing she needed was an emotional forest fire, blazing through and destroying everything all over again.  

That was easier to do when there was a distance between them. Zip codes and state lines and significant others and all sorts of invisible boundaries keeping them apart. Telephone calls and texts were one thing. They both knew being together in person was something else entirely. 

It made her gut knot and her skin feel hot and hypersensitive.

For a brief second, she thought about leaving. She could probably slip out before anyone else got there. She’d make up an excuse, profusely apologize, go home and heat up some leftovers. 

Before she could take action, the heavy wooden door behind her creaked open, followed by a gust of chilly air across the back of her bare legs. Rose came in first, a laugh lighting up her face as she passed by Ben, who was holding the door open for her above her head. He was giving Rose that secret little smile he only had for her. The one that made his eyes glitter with the joy of a long-time friend. It melted Rey’s heart to see them together again.

His eyes rose up to meet Rey’s and he smiled gently as Rose rushed forward for a hug. Rey’s anxiety quickly washed away. He looked more relaxed than she had seen him in a very long time. His whole body seemed looser, less wound up. Languid even. She returned Rose’s hug tightly, before stepping back from her. Ben moved forward, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, pulling her in briefly. It was a short hug, friendly.  

 She wasn’t sure what to expect, but this? This felt good. Comfortable. She was relieved. 

He smiled down at her and she couldn’t help but smile back. “It’s good to see you again,” he told her, sincerely.

She nodded, “Yeah, same.”

“So guys,” Rose started casually, pulling their attention to her as she unbuttoned her coat. “I don’t wanna say I’ll have to go on trial for murder, buuuut—” She finished her last button and gripped her lapels. “I’m snapping some _necks_ tonight!” She punctuated the statement by throwing open her coat with a cabaret flourish. She was bespangled in a sequined, curve-hugging dress that assaulted the room with a thousand tiny, shimmering rainbows. 

Ben took a step back with a low whistle and pretended to shield his eyes from the brightness.

“Like a disco ball!” Rose winked over her shoulder to Rey, who laughed.

“Look at this group of fine-looking human beings!” Poe trumpeted from the thrown open front door, a brightly grinning Finn right beside him. 

A little storm of chaos erupted as they moved forward, exchanging hugs and cheek kisses all around. Finn pulled Ben in for a hug and Rey heard him murmur “I’m glad you made it, Big Sexy.”

Ben quietly returned, “Me too.”

And then Finn’s arms were around her.  

“Hey Sis.” He planted a big kiss on her cheek. “You okay?” he asked quietly by her ear. She nodded. He pulled away and smiled. “Let me help you with your coat.” She turned and he gently pulled the heavy material back off of her shoulders and down her arms. He gave her a low, private whistle.

“The _stunner_ ,” he teased against her hair, and she shook her head with a laugh.

This dress was _the_ dress. Red, plunging back and neckline. She had teetered back and forth after buying it, considering it to be too bold, too out of her comfort zone. Finn had convinced her otherwise. She tried it on for him one night when he came over to watch some awards show they mostly talked over.

She padded out of her bedroom barefoot and a little self-conscious. That all fell away when Finn’s jaw dropped and he pressed a hand to his chest.

“It’s not too much?” she asked, arching up on her tippy toes and twisting to the side, biting at her lip. “I feel like it’s…”

“Oh, it’s sinful, Boo. You gotta keep it,” he got up from the couch, taking her hand and giving her a little spin. “Take _no prisoners_ , Sis.” 

Now, standing here in it, among her four best friends all dressed to the nines, she felt like it was her second skin. Like this dress was made for her.

Across the room, Ben coughed and nervously adjusted his tie. 

“Alright,” Poe announced, rubbing his hands together. “Let’s get this party started!”

They ordered a seafood tower and a bottle of Champagne to start. Conversation, as it usually did with this group, bounced all over the place. When the champagne was done, they moved onto a crisp and vibrant Vermentino. Poe was telling them a story about stopping at a terrible roadside diner on the way to the airport after their honeymoon.

“I swear to you,” he laughed, waving a hand and leaning in towards Ben, who was seated beside him. “The worst thing I have _ever_ put in my body!”

“Doubt that,” said Finn.

“Questionable,” said Ben.

“No way,” quipped Rose.

“Definitely not,” deadpanned Rey, all at the same time.

They erupted into laughter.

Poe had tears in his eyes.

“I love you assholes. Truly,” he chuckled shaking his head. “But oh man, I felt like I should have tipped out all of the flight attendants. It was so bad. No one wants to end their honeymoon with the runs at 30,000 feet.”

Rose scrunched up her face and placed a hand over her wine glass.

“Not in front of the Vermentino, Poe!” she hissed, jokingly. 

After a salad for the table, they split a light and woody Pinot Noir. 

Ben was telling them about the trip he took to Australia, right before they wrapped production of _World View’s_ previous season. 

Rey was practically having to wipe her eyes every few minutes to stop the tears from rolling down her aching face. Her belly and cheeks hurt.

“So I’m just trapped in this bathroom with a spider the size of my hand,” Ben spread his fingers out for emphasis, big hands held up and splayed out for everyone to see. “And I can’t get the door handle to turn. I give it a good tug and the whole thing comes right off, which just _pissed off_ the spider!”

Rey threw her head back and held her stomach. 

“I kept telling him to step on it,” she whined through her chuckles. “ _I can’t fucking step on it Rey, it’s the size of a schnauzer!_ ” she said in a low, Ben impression. “And I’m on the phone and all I can hear is cursing and things crashing all over and Ben just _screaming_ ,” she doubled over, weakly, wiping her eyes again.

Everyone around the table was in the same delightful state, faces flushed and bright with contagious joy. 

“You screamed?” Rose howled at Ben, eyes glittering with tears.

“Like a schoolgirl! That thing was huge! I could have ridden it into battle!”

When their entrees came, Rey ordered them a big and bold Sangiovese.

“Bus seats?” Ben asked as he cut into his Filet Mignon. Everything looked and smelled spectacular. Rey’s pan-seared chicken and lemon gnocchi were absolutely to die for.

“Yeah, like when people wait for the bus or when people are waiting in traffic next to the bus. They look over and get to see this handsome mug, ready to sell them a house.” Poe made a circle gesture to his smiling face with the tip of his steak knife.

“Thousands of people sit on his face every year,” Finn piped up in jest, cutting into the pile of roasted carrots on his plate. “It’s like his boyhood dreams come true. Couldn’t be more proud.”

Poe got a little watery look in his eye as he looked over at his husband.

“Aww, thanks, babe.”

“You two are fucking cracked,” mumbled Rose into her pasta. 

For dessert, they split an order of profiteroles between the five of them.

“Whew.” Poe sat back, depositing his napkin from his lap to the table. “I’m gonna need to digest this quick if I’m going to be at my peak performance for karaoke.”

Ben made a face.

“We’re _really_ still doing that?”

“Yes!” Poe insisted. “It’s my birthday and I’ll sing Meatloaf if I want to!”

“Oh God, please don’t sing _Paradise By the Dashboard Light_. That song is like, half an hour long,” Rey pleaded, leaning forward on the table, hands clasped together, literally begging him.

Poe’s eyes gleamed mischievously. “Oh no, Sunshine, it’s going to be way more epic than that!” He clapped his hands and stood up. “I’m the oldest out of you bunch, so I don’t want to hear that we are too old to go out and enjoy a fun night!” 

“Fine,” Ben said with a grin, standing and waving a finger in his face. “But no tequila.”

  
  


                                                                                                                       ***

 

A round of tequila shots later and Ben had to loosen his tie. 

Because of course, they had to go to Troy's. And of course, it was packed and hot as hell. It was the closing weekend. One last hurrah before it locked its doors and shut off the lights. 

When they had entered, Poe turned backward to him and Rey, holding up a stern finger.

“No buddy system for bathroom breaks tonight,” he cracked, then took off, roaring with laughter.

Ben licked his lips and placed his empty shot glass down on the bar, Rey placing hers beside his. Poe and Finn were whispering to each other behind him, Rose immediately downed her shot and then said she had to pee. It left him and Rey, leaning against the bar, bodies turned slightly towards one another.

He was trying his best not to let his eyes and mind drift. But that dress was doing things to his tingling, tequila damp brain. In another world, in a past life, he’d run his hand right down that slope of her bowed back and take a handful of that deliciously toned ass. He’d bury his face in her hair and then suck at her exposed collar bone. He wanted to run his hands between that dress and her body as he slowly got to peel it away from her skin. 

It was the last thing he should be thinking about, but holy shit, he couldn’t stop.

“Eyes,” she said, looking down into her glass with a smirk.

“What?” Ben asked, slightly flustered.

“You need to watch your eyes. They’re wandering.” Her own eyes were not unkind. Teasing even, crinkling a little in the corners.

Having been caught and knowing there was no use denying it, Ben smirked with a flinch and turned towards the bar. 

“Yeah, sorry… it’s just—” He shook his head and then let out a little laugh into his palm. “That _fucking_ dress.”

Rey frowned down at herself, lifting her hands up innocently.

“This old thing? Just something I throw on for errands and trips to the grocery store.”

“You mean for your weekly coven meetings?” Ben grinned into his beer.     

“No, for those we’re usually naked.”

Ben coughed out a laugh and shook his head. They remained side by side in thoughtful comradery for a few moments.

Finally, Rey tipped her head and rested it on his shoulder. 

“I’m glad we’re okay,” she said softly.

Ben looked down at her, those dark lashes, that small and adorable nose. His heart was full. This was good. Just this moment. Being in her orbit again. Playful banter and wandering mind aside, this was perfect.

He rested his head on hers for a moment. 

“Yeah, me too.”

After a while, their usual table opened up. Ben chose to sit on the opposite side, as far away from Rey as he could get. There was no need for further temptation. A little friendly flirtation had already passed between them. That was more than enough. He didn’t want to push it further and he did not trust his own fingers or the tequila he said he wasn’t going to have. 

Poe was practically vibrating with glee at the table. 

“They won’t even have to demolish this place because I’m bringing this motherfucker _down!_ ” he told them boldly. 

Person after person got up, each trying to belt out their best on Troy’s small stage. 

Finn performed a perfectly vogued, disco version of “ _If You Could Read My Mind”_ that had the entire table up out of their chairs and singing along. Ben laughed and looked over his shoulder, just as a stranger’s hands curled around Rey’s shoulders and she turned, with the briefest of frowns. 

But then her expression lifted, replaced with shock.

“Dopheld!” she shouted, clearly surprised.

And then this man leaned forward and pressed his lips to Rey’s and Ben felt his entire body go white-hot as his brain sputtered to a halt. 

When they broke apart, Rey’s eyes immediately darted in Ben’s direction, although they did not rise all the way to meet his. She blinked and managed to produce a flustered smile. 

“I thought you had to work?” she asked, as the song ended and everyone once again took their seats. Dopheld leaned over to another table, quickly talking with its occupants, before dragging back a chair and sitting next to her. Ben was still just watching, stunned by the reality unfurling before him.

“I did, got it done faster than expected,” he said with a smile at her. “You look gorgeous.”

“Mitaka, Mitaka, Mitaka!” Poe bellowed. He stood and reached across the table, slapping a handshake with the newcomer. “Glad you could make it, man.”

Finn came back to the table pausing for just the briefest of moments, his eyes immediately checking in with Rey, who was still visibly smiling a tad too hard, and then to Ben. 

“Dopheld, darling.” He leaned down, placing an air kiss by Dopheld’s face, as he folded back into his empty seat beside the man. He leaned back, Poe’s arm moving from the back of his chair to wrap around his shoulders. 

Poe, the fucker, grinned like he was courtside at the Knicks. 

Ben looked over to see Rose watching him nervously from her position beside him. She leaned in, wide eyes peering up at him.

“You okay?”

Ben realized that his gaze was mostly likely murderous. He swallowed and tried to relax. 

He nodded.

“Holy shit.” Ben looked up to realize that the man, _Dopheld_ , was now looking at him. “Ben Solo! I was starting to think that I was never going to get to meet you!” He was up instantly, making his way around the table towards Ben. If he had noticed the rigid backs and panicked glances among the other occupants of the table, he certainly didn’t show it.

Ben flashed a glance at Rey.

She looked positively whitewashed. Wide-eyed, nervous browed, mouth open. 

He stood slowly, gently smoothing out his tie with one hand, reaching out his other to shake. There was a slight hesitation in Dopheld’s step as Ben came to his full height before him. 

Ben managed a tight-lipped smile despite his thundering pulse.

“It’s nice to finally meet you too.” It wasn’t entirely true, but the least Ben could be was polite.

Ben shook his hand, the other man returning a firm and solid grip.

“I have to tell you, when Rey told me one of her best friends was Ben Solo, I could hardly believe it. That episode when you went to Cuba and addressed the poverty gap? _Wow._ Truly groundbreaking. I don’t think they gave you enough credit for how brave that was.”

Cuba, the only time when Rey had come to visit him on a trip. Life had a funny sense of humor.

“That was one of my favorite trips,” his eyes involuntarily lifted to Rey over Dopheld’s shoulder. 

“Dopheld is a human rights lawyer,” she offered, her voice high and tight. 

 _Of fucking course he is_ , Ben thought, marking another notch onto his tally of this man’s abrading perfection. 

Rey was watching them, looking positively terrified. 

The resentment and jealousy Ben may have had for this man wilted at the sight of her. He could do this for her. He could set his feelings aside and play nice to make her happy. He could do it for a long as she needed. Because he couldn’t stand the look that was currently in her eyes. Because he owed her this, at the very least.

Because seeing her happy was what truly mattered.

He clapped Dopheld on his shoulder.

“You like tequila?”

Another round later and Rose got up to sing _“Shoop”_ on a dare. The tension in the group seemed to melt away with the last shot of liquid lubricant. Behind them, someone impressively crooned _“Strangers In The Night”_. 

Rose was giggling an exchange with Poe. Finn and Dopheld were deep into a discussion about the last Marvel movie, and beside them, Rey seemed to be listening half-interested. As if she felt him looking, her eyes raised to his.

She gave him a small, private smile. Her eyes shone softly, reminding him of something dreamy, like moonlight reflecting off lakewater - lit by the lights all around them. She mouthed, “Thank you.”

The corners of Ben’s mouth tipped up and he nodded back. He reached up and gently patted his hand over his heart.

 

 

                                                                                                                       ***

 

When the DJ called Poe’s name, Rey was waiting at the bar, ready to run a round of drinks back to the table. Already sufficiently buzzed, she was feeling the high of the evening. Now that the tension of Dopheld’s unexpected appearance was over, her body felt elated, effervescent even. She was physically humming with delight. She turned, grinning ear to ear, totally ready for the show her friend was about to put on. 

They had all switched to beer, the prospect of shuffling six bottles back and forth a lot less daunting than attempting six mixed drinks. Plus, between the wine at dinner and the tequila shots, no one besides Dopheld at the table was feeling any sort of pain.

As the thundering and intense opening piano chords to the song began, Rey squealed, instantly recognizing it. She scurried back to her seat, putting the beers on the table excitedly. Rose turned to her, wild-eyed and grinning.

“Holy shit, this is gonna be _insane!_ ” she screeched, her hands clapped over her cheeks. 

Rey nodded, unable to control her laughter.

“He might actually set this place on fire,” Rey kidded, looking around. “Locate the fire exits.”

“Poe’s pretty good at karaoke, huh?” Dopheld asked her, his arm resting along the back of her chair. 

“Oh, you have no idea,” she laughed delightfully. From the stage before them, Poe’s strong, smooth voice belted out:

 

_“And I would do anything for love_

_I'd run right into hell and back”_

  
  


Ben leaned in over the table.

“Ten bucks says he ends up on top of this very table at least once.” He poked at the countertop for emphasis.

Finn shook his head. “With those tight pants? No way.”

After warming up with the mellow opening lines, he was off with a fist pump and a high kick as the drums and guitar blasted through the speakers. He wove through the crowd, mingling in and out of groups, serenading strangers. He moved to the bar, to the bouncer at the entrance, to the row of tables across from them. 

He reappeared by Finn, kneeling to the floor beside him theatrically as he sang:

 

_“Some days I pray for silence_

_Some days I pray for soul_

_Some days I just pray to the god of sex and drums and rock 'n' roll”_

  
  


Popping up again, he stopped to caress Rey’s cheek, wistfully.

  
  


_“Maybe I'm crazy, but it's crazy and it's true_

  
  


He ran a hand over Rey’s head, mussing up her hair slightly, before going back to her cheek again.

  
  


_I know you can save me, no-one else can save me now but you”_

  
  


He left her, dramatically marching backward, arm extended and palm still open to her. He turned with a sharp twist and the clutch of his fist in the air, running back to the karaoke stage for the chorus. 

Dopheld looked over to her, mouth hanging open. “You weren’t kidding,” he said in awe.

Rey cracked, unable to suppress her own joy. “He hasn’t even reached his final form,” she cried.

And then Poe was back, singing at the end of their table. The person managing the spotlight had swiveled it his way, fully illuminating him in all of his glory.

  
  


_“_ _As long as the wheels are turning_ _”_

  
  


He lifted and stomped a foot onto his empty seat beside Finn with absolute authority.

  
  


_“_ _As long as the fires are burning_ _”_

  
  


A jump - and he was on the chair. 

  
  


_“_ _As long as your prayers are coming true_ _”_

  
  


He raised his other foot and planted it on the table, causing Rey to jump forward and grab her beer before it toppled over.  

  
  


_“You'd better believe it, that I would do”_

  
  


And now he was firmly planted at the center of the table. He held his fist high, as he waved it back and forth, the entire place was alive, crackling with energy, as the crowd erupted into cheers and sang along with him.

  
  


_“Anything for love_

_And you know it's true and that's a fact_

_I would do anything for love, and there'll never be no turning back”_

  
  


He jumped down, coming to sit on the table beside Ben, who couldn’t stop his shoulders shaking from laughter. He reached over, caressing Ben’s cheek this time, purposely changing the lyrics.

  
  


_“But I'll never do it better than I do it with you, Solo, Solo”_

  
  


Ben lovingly cupped his hands over Poe’s, which caused Poe to chuckle through the rest of the repeated chorus.  He turned to Rose and handed her the mic for the duet.

She quickly stood, immediately feeding off of his energy as they mimicked the lyrics with absolutely grandiose and hilariously huge gestures. She radiated in the glowing spotlight, her dress becoming almost blinding. Poe walked backward again toward the stage, as Rose followed after him, singing her part. On the stage, he fell to his knees, throwing his head back and gripping at his heart, completely and totally swept away in the drama.

Rose passed the mic back to him with an ear to ear grin and he finished the song on his knees, head resting against her sequined hip, one arm curled around her thigh, as the spotlight cut to black and the bar exploded with applause and whistles.

“Holy _shit!_ ” Dopheld yelled, jumping to his feet. It made Rey laugh even more because he so rarely cursed. He brought his fingers between his lips and whistled. “I feel like I should have paid admission to see that!”

“That’s my _husband!_ ” Finn bellowed, his hands curled around his mouth.

Poe came back to the table, a glistening and beaming mess. He cuffed the back of Finn’s neck and gave him a deep kiss.

“Holy _fuck_ , I’m so hard right now!” he exclaimed. He grabbed Finn’s hand. “Let’s show up Rey and Ben and go christen the Easter bathroom!”

It was a brief comment completely offhand but it caused Rey to gulp down a belly full of air audibly. 

If Dopheld had heard it, he didn’t seem to react.

But Ben did.

He looked at the back of Poe’s head like he wanted to break his bottle over it.

Finn responded by giving Poe a tight pinch to his ribs and look that read, “ _shut the fuck up, stupid_.”

Oblivious, Poe just laughed and kissed him again. He sighed and turned back to the group.

“Okay, who’s up next?”

 

                           

                                                                                                                        *** 

                                                                          

 

Another round of shots and Ben had to unbutton the top two buttons of his shirt. He was sweating his ass off.

He and Rose had gone up to the bar, Rose swiftly abandoning him when some guy came over and complimented her duet. 

He was definitely on the fast track to being drunk. Then again, so was everyone else. But when was the last time they were all really able to let loose like this? It seemed fine and perfectly acceptable, given the circumstances.

“Excuse me,” said a voice beside him. A tall redhead in a tight t-shirt smiled back at him. “I hate to do this, but can I get your autograph?” She winced playfully, biting her lip.

Ben smiled kindly, as she handed him a pen and a slip of paper ripped crudely from the corner of some document. He placed it on the bar.

“What’s your name?” he asked, pen paused.

“Leeza,” she purred, gently leaning into his shoulder. He quickly scribbled her name, some basic “nice to meet you” bullshit, then his name, as she pressed her breast into the back of his arm.

“Sorry about you and Bazine,” she said as she slid next to him, coyly, breast connecting with his arm the entire way. “That dude from _Mandalorian_ is a total tool bag. Their music is terrible. I don’t know what she was thinking.”

Ben smiled tightly, passing her the scrap paper and shifting his arm away.

“Probably that she could do better,” he said simply. 

Bazine had ended things with him with a simple text, days after she had ghosted him.

  
  


**BAZINE: Sorry, Daddy** 🙁

  
  


Ben was neither hurt nor shocked by it. Instead, he felt like she had done him a bit of a favor. But that was certainly not something he was about to discuss with a stranger. Especially a stranger who seemed hell-bent on writing her name with her nipple across his goddamn arm.

She shifted closer. “Maybe it’s _you_ who could do better?”

Hearing Rey’s name announced by the DJ, briefly brought his attention away from the situation before him. He watched from across the room as Rey shook her head, laughing, pointing a mocked angry finger to Poe, who was cracking up. She took a swig of her beer, giving him a lasting dirty look, before she stood, taking Dopheld’s hand. He tugged her to a stop as he remained seated, shaking his head. Playfully, she tried to pull him up, but he continued to shake his head. The DJ announced her and Dopheld again, and Ben’s eyes flashed to the screen title of the song. 

Eyes fixed back on the scene before him, he pushed past the woman with a barely murmured “excuse me.”

“C’mon!” Rey whined, exasperated. “We’ll miss our turn!”

Dopheld raised his hands, palms out. “Sorry babe, not my thing.”

Rey frowned, crossing her arms before her.

Ben didn’t even pause as he passed her, nodding towards the stage.

“Let’s go,” he said, simply.

He got to the platform and accepted the shiny, rhinestone-encrusted microphone with a smirk. The goddamn tacky thing. He wondered if he could pay them to take it home. He could wrap it up for Poe for Christmas.

Rey stepped beside him, absolutely beaming. She accepted another mic from the DJ, this one the standard silver and black. They swapped without words.

“Can you believe he wouldn’t sing with me?” she whispered, pointedly away from the microphone. 

Ben shrugged as the music began. “Public humiliation isn’t for everyone, Sweetheart.”  

“I mean, you sound like a dying animal, but you still do it,” she teased.

“So that’s how you treat your singing knight in shining armor? This song isn’t even in my key,” he jested turning to walk off stage.

"Your key? Okay, Streisand." She grabbed his arm playfully, stopping him. 

He grinned and started to sing.

  
  


                                                                                                                       ***

  
  
  


_“Looking in your eyes I see a paradise_

_This world that I've found is too good to be true”_

  
  


His grin was contagious. Rey could feel her own face stretching wider as she looked back at him. Big broody Ben Solo, singing his heart out to _Starship._ Who would have thought they’d see the day? It made her giggle, and she pressed a fist to her lips trying to tamp down her smile.  

  
  


_Standing here beside you, want so much to give you_

_This love in my heart that I'm feeling for you”_

  
  


She almost missed her first line, ripping her eyes away from him at the last moment to look toward the screen as the lyrics lit up before her. 

  
  


_“Let 'em say we're crazy, I don't care about that_

_Put your hand in my hand baby don't ever look back”_

  
  


Rey’s hand reached out and caught his, swinging it for a beat or two. He lifted it and gave her a little twirl. He looked down at her, watching her dramatic hand gestures with a smile tucked into his dimpled cheek. It only encouraged her.

  
  


_Let the world around us just fall apart_

_Baby we can make it if we're heart to heart_

  
  


They both turned to the screen, each channeling their best inner rock star. Neither of them compared to Poe, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t kill their audience with ridiculousness. 

  
  


_“And we can build this thing together_

_Standing strong forever,_

_Nothings gonna stop us now”_

  
  


It got goofier. She stiffened, pretending to freeze up like a mannequin. She sort of remembered the cringe-worthy music video from when she was a kid. Ben circled around her, adjusting one arm, lowering the other. She laughed most her way through the duet.

When it was Ben’s turn again, he stepped closer to her. He didn’t even need the lyrics screen, he sang directly to her this time. 

  
  


_“I'm so glad I found you, I'm not gonna lose you_

_Whatever it takes, I will stay here with you”_

  
  


And this, this felt different. Rey looked up at him. The spotlight turned his eyes a bright, golden brown and suddenly, he was all Rey could see. His skin shone alabaster, marked by the constellation of dots she had traced probably a thousand times. His hair became deep indigo, rimmed with a halo of gleaming white from the harsh lamp that illuminated them. He looked… beautiful. 

Rey's heart stuttered in her chest. All she could hear now was him as all the other noise fell away and he continued to sing.

  
  


_“Take it to the good times, see it through the bad times_

_Whatever it takes it's what I'm gonna do”_

  
  


This was not a joke anymore. This was a private serenade in a very public way. Rey swallowed roughly, needing to look away. She tore her eyes from him and even though she saw the change in the lyrics, she hesitated, faltering on her entrance. 

She continued to sing, feeling hot. She closed her eyes, remembering this part of the song on her own, trying to calm the pounding in her ribcage. 

  
  


_“Let the world around us just fall apart_

_Baby we can make it if we're heart to heart”_

  
  


When she opened her eyes again, Ben was still watching her. They sang the chorus together, Rey unable to remove her eyes from Ben’s. She was transfixed. Hypnotized. Mesmerized by the surreality of it all. This was insanity. But was she actively losing her mind or had she already lost it?

Then Ben sang: _“All that I need is you”_ so tenderly, she felt it like he had tattooed it on her skin _._ And no. No, she hadn’t lost her mind. This was really happening.

 _“You're all that I ever need”_ she echoed back, feeling a hollowness in the pit of her stomach.

 _“And all that I want to do”_ Ben’s eyes flashed back and forth between hers. There was the slightest bit of hope there as if he too were processing what was happening at this moment.  Looking for a hint. Anything. Trying to read her. She had no idea what he may be seeing right now, her mind feeling like an absolute heap of writhing emotions, her face most likely betraying her.

 

_“Is hold you forever, forever and ever”_

 

He missed the _“hey”,_ something that would have been comically fantastic at the beginning of the song. Instead, they just stood facing each other, as the guitar solo wailed in the background. His head dipped slightly, eyes dropping to her mouth and his empty hand reached up beside her face, then paused mid-air. He shook his head, blinking rapidly as if knocking himself from his own blazing hot daze. He turned away from her, Adam’s apple working furiously, eyebrows pinched in a frown and faced the screen once more.

Rey felt her forehead furrow before swallowing down a rough gulp and turning to the screen as well.

The back half of the song ended with Rey not even bothering to sing the last few lines. Her lungs felt tight and her stomach twisted relentlessly. She felt like she might cry. Everything about this was wrong and her head was a dizzying mess of adrenaline and booze. 

She plopped the microphone on the DJ's table, where it made a loud, punctuated _“thud”_. 

“Rey,” Ben said softly, away from the mic, as she brushed past him. His fingers graced her arm, and she flinched but kept going.

She wanted away from this weird and fucked up rush of feelings that were overcoming her.

She approached the table, the jaws of her friends nearly on the floor.

“Well, that was… _something_ ,” Poe said, quietly.

Her eyes flashed to Dopheld’s empty seat.

“Where’s Dopheld?” she asked, a streak of panic rocketing off in her gut like a firework.

“He… left,” Rose said with a cringe.

“Rey,” Ben said again, now beside her. His fingers gently gripped her elbow. “I’m sorry, I didn’t—I don’t know what—”

Before he could finish, Rey yanked her elbow away. Overwrought, she raced for the door. She cleared the ascending steps in two giant leaps, unsure of what direction she was going to head in once she got to the top. She halted in her tracks at the sight of Dopheld at the end of the driveway, back to her, face tilted up to the stars.

“Dopheld,” she breathed, moving forward. She curled her arms around herself, the cold night air instantly making her shiver.

He turned back to her with a sad smile.

“Why didn’t you just tell me you were in love with him?”

Rey stopped short. “What?” she asked weakly. She shook her head, moving forward again. “No. _No_ , I’m _not_. It’s not—” she could feel the guilt rising up in her, feel it growing up and bleeding out, threatening to suffocate her where she stood. It was a lie. They both knew it. It was as clear in the air, as the clouds of breath before them.

He gave a small laugh and shook his head.

“You have never looked at me that way,” he said softly. He looked to the ground, a small frown weighing on his features. “And, it wasn’t until tonight, until I _saw it_ , that I realized how badly I _wanted_ you to look at me that way,” he paused. “And that that was probably never going to happen.”

Rey could hear the blood rushing in her ears, could feel the pulse ticking against the skin of her neck. 

“I’m sorry,” was all she could offer, tightly, her throat constricting. The sickness sinking her gut was all but consuming her now. Tears threatened to spill out as they filled her eyes. “I thought it would change. I thought _I_ could change…” she said, softly. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” It came out in a rough choke, the overflow too much for her to contain. She covered her face with her hands, unable to fight it anymore. “I’m such a terrible person.”

Warm, gentle arms encircled her as he shushed against her hair.

“Hey, c’mon now,” he said. “None of that. None of that.” He repeated, quietly.

She calmed herself, sighing against his shoulder.   

“I’m sorry,” she offered one last time. He gently rubbed her arms. 

“I’m going to go,” he whispered. He stepped back from her, hands gripping her upper arms as she shivered in the night.  “I’ll come by for my things later in the week.” Rey nodded, a fresh flow of tears threatening to spill over.  

He touched the side of her face, softly, nodding back towards the door.  

“Go back in, try to enjoy your night.”

She gave a watery, sarcastic little laugh, wiping at her eyes. “Yeah, _sure_.”

Behind them, the sound of the loud crowd roared into the night, as the door opened. Ben climbed the steps from the basement coming to a stop at the top.

“Oh,” he breathed. It puffed out into a mist in the chilly night air.

Dopheld tilted his chin towards him. “It was great to finally meet you, Ben.” He raised his hand, turning away. 

Ben frowned raising his own hand in confusion. “You headed out?” 

“Yeah, it’s time for me to go,” Dopheld offered with one last small smile to Rey before walking off into the night. 

She watched him until he disappeared down a side street.

“I just wanted to make sure everything was okay,” Ben’s resonant voice spoke, suddenly beside her, causing her to jump. 

“ _Fuck_ , Ben!” she spat, having not heard him cross the space between them.

“Sorry,” he offered sheepishly. He had his hands shoved in his pockets and rocked forward a little. “You want to talk about… anything?” He offered, quietly, cautiously. 

Rey closed her eyes. Her teeth were beginning to chatter. She didn’t know what she wanted to do. Didn’t know if she wanted to take off and go chase after Dopheld. Didn't know if she wanted to turn to Ben and let him wrap his arms around her, giving her the warmth so desperately needed. Didn’t know if she should just go home and call it a night.

In hindsight, that was probably the best choice.

"No," she said abruptly as she spun around, stalking her way back to the building, leaving Ben stunned in her wake.

Pushing her way up to the bar, she came to stand beside Poe, as he waited for another drink.

“Hey, Sunshine, everything—”

She raised a finger to Troy, who was bartending, giving it a whirl in the air. 

“Six Espolon. Neat.”

He poured them out, placing them before her. She raised her glass, waiting for Poe. 

He raised an eyebrow with a smirk. “Well, alright.”

Rey rocketed back the shot, wincing at the burn.

“Rose,” she barked across the bar. She raised a glass towards her friend and motioned her over.

Ben came to stand beside her. There was still a chill on him from the outside air. She handed him the shot without looking at him and shivered. She grabbed the extra shot she ordered off the bar, tapping her glass with Ben’s, before throwing that back too.

Already, she could feel the warmth of the liquid rapid firing through her veins, numbing some of her feelings of wrong-doing. 

She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, as Rose approached, and she placed the shot in her hand. She handed Finn his, as he stepped up behind Rose, giving Rey a skeptical look. The two took their shot together, and she looped arms with Rose.

“C’mon, we’re singing some Alanis,” she said, pulling her off in the direction of the sign-up sheets.

“Yikes,” Rose commented as she tripped a little alongside Rey. “That bad?”

“Yup.”

“Do you want to—”

“Nope.”

She would attempt to deal with all of this tomorrow. Or next week perhaps. But tonight, tonight she just wanted to forget. To be numb.

Looking up, she spotted Ben’s frowning features from across the dark bar. She chose to ignore his scowl, and sloppily scribbled her next song onto a submission slip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not support blackout drinking or going out to dinner with your ex you still have feelings for.


	23. Just Like Love (Pt.1 & Pt.2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pt. 1  
> "Slick, sheen so bright it's a bother  
> You are cultivating grace  
> They're rough  
> Smother them with velvet  
> For child, you walk  
> Just like love"  
> \- Perfume Genius [(Jam City Remix)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BcenhnlJp_Q)
> 
> Pt.2  
> "I know I made the same mistakes  
> For you don't want caught up the stakes  
> Gotta lock the good outside my window  
> We run out of ground at the big big black  
> It's all looking blod with caffeine, yes it's okay  
> Won't you take me there?  
> Floating in the air  
> I go solitaire and I ain't waking up"  
> \- Mr. Little Jeans [Waking Up](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-rSvSyxgt8)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, as we are on the cusp of TRoS, I wanted to say a huge thank you to this fandom! No matter what happens on the 20th, I am a Reylo forever and will continue to support, contribute, and love this ship of ours!
> 
> That being said, here we go!

PRT.1 (Just Like Love)

 

Pain. So much pain. 

Rey’s head throbbed as she cracked open one of her eyes with a groan. 

Panic flashed through her.

She didn’t know where she was. Sitting up quickly, her head and stomach both lurched in protest. She puffed out a barely contained gag, her body not willing to participate in her sudden need for movement. 

She was still in her dress. Her shoes were at the door of the hotel room, haphazardly tossed aside and askew in toppled positions on the floor. Her coat was pulled inside out and in a crumpled pile halfway to the bed, a heavy black wool coat in the same fashion beside it.  

She turned slowly. Beside her, Ben stretched out across the bed on his stomach. His hair was a black messy mop, his head turned her way with mouth open, snoring lightly and drooling. 

 _Nonononono!_  

The early events of the night raced back to her in a wave of alarm that rivaled her nausea. 

Dinner. Wine. Shots. Karaoke. Dopheld… then… then what?  

This was _exactly_ what wasn’t supposed to happen! This was _exactly_ what she wasn’t supposed to have done! How did she even _get_ here? What the hell happened?

A mix between a strangled cry and a groan escaped her. It stirred Ben, who groaned loudly himself, sounding like a mortally wounded man.

“It hurts,” was all he could muster, rolling onto his back and covering his eyes with his arm. He made a growly-whimpering noise deep in his chest. “Everything hurts.”

Rey was hyperventilating. Her lungs simply couldn’t get enough air. Her stomach violently wretched once more as her mind was grinding, aching—feeling like slow sludge caught in a turbine. Her heart knocked erratically against her rib cage while her entire body flashed back and forth between boiling hot and ice-cold. 

“What—” her mouth watered as she tried to swallow down another wave of nausea. “What happened? Did we…?”

Ben stiffened, lifting his arm from his face with a bleary frown. He looked down at his body, nearly fully dressed in his still tucked-in button-down and pants from the night before, save the buttons on his shirt being almost completely undone. His shoes were still on. He gave a mirthless little laugh, then cringed in pain, replacing his arm over his eyes again.   

“I think we behaved ourselves,” his voice was rough and coarse, like gravel.

That did not help. Rey’s stomach upturned viciously once more, this time causing her to rip herself from the bed and miraculously stumble her way to the bathroom to completely empty the contents of her stomach with a few painful wretches. 

Trembling, she sank to the floor, her entire body in a chilling sweat. She rested her forehead on her arm, as she leaned against the cool rim of the toilet, praying that the maids in this place used bleach liberally.

A warm, comforting hand landed on her back, rubbing a gentle circle. Fingers quietly swept away sweaty strands of hair from her face and off of her neck. Rey whined towards the beige tiled floor.  

“Shh, it’s alright,” Ben soothed calmly, kneeling beside her. A few more passes over her back and her stomach seemed to feel slightly better. She raised her head and spit into the basin, bashfully. She was mortified, amongst a thousand other swarming bad feelings she was trying to suppress.

Sniffing, she looked up at him through a watery, blurred gaze. He looked liked hell. Dark circles under his eyes, hair a stringy tangle of soot, complexion a shade paler than usual. She could only _imagine_ how awful she must look. 

He placed an arm around her waist to help her up, to which she groaned in protest, but stood anyway. 

“I need a shower,” she moaned, as he guided her over to the sink, turning on the facet. He tested the water, letting it run over the tips of his fingers before adjusting the taps until he found a temperature he felt was suitable for her. Rey grabbed the soap and began lathering it in her hands. “I need a shower, forty gallons of water, eight Alker-seltzers, ten more hours of sleep, and Jesus, apparently,” she rinsed her hands, starting to lather the soap again. 

“Why, so he can make you more wine?” Ben quipped from behind her. Just the little laugh that produced from her caused her to grimace. Every inch of her hurt.

From behind her, his fingers softly touched the side of her cheek. Rey watched him in the mirror as his hands tenderly pulled her hair off of her shoulders again, gently brushing it back from her face as he gathered it into a ponytail for her. Her makeup from last night was a smeared mess around her eyes, her lips stained a deep pink from lipstick which had long since rubbed off. 

She wondered if Ben were the cause of that? She couldn’t remember. Her eyes darted to his lips, which seemed just as plush as they always were, perhaps a deeper shade than usual too.

He held her hair as she lowered her face to the sink, rinsing away the remnants of makeup. He handed her a fluffy towel when she was finished, letting go of her hair as she pressed the soft terry cloth into her face. 

“Take a shower,” he urged her. He pointed to a set of robes hanging off in the corner of the bathroom. “I’ll have room service bring us up all the bottled water they have,” he joked.

Rey was suddenly very aware of how vulnerable she felt. The dress she was so comfortable in last night, now felt too thin, flimsy. She wrapped her arms around herself in the cold bathroom, feeling utterly naked and exposed. 

Ben turned, ready to give her some privacy.

“Ben?” she said weakly. 

He turned back, the movement causing him to frown, undoubtedly his own body thundering internally in protest. Rey could feel her eyes welling up, her stomach knotting in a different sort of way now. Heavy, weighted with guilt. 

Dopheld had ended things with her and her immediate reaction was to turn to the one thing she pretended not to want. To seek comfort in the one man she tried to deny her feelings for. It made her feel like the biggest piece of human garbage that ever lived. She was weak-willed and pathetic and the fact that all she wanted now was for Ben to comfort her just made it worse.

But she did. She just wanted him.

She felt like the vilest person on the planet. A manipulative, drunken, pitiful jerk. And a moron. She let another man fall in love with her while she knew her heart wasn’t available. Then, she betrayed him by colliding right back into her desire’s arms.

She was awful. She was a monster.

Ben’s face melted when he looked at her. “Sweetheart,” he murmured, moving forward, pulling her to his chest. Rey wept into the material of his open shirt and against the bared skin beneath it as his thick arms circled around her tightly, giving her the solace she so badly needed. He kissed at the top of her head, rocking her just barely.

They stood like that for a long time before she was able to calm herself down. 

Rey sniffed and backed away from him. He seemed reluctant to let her go, holding her loosely by the elbows. 

“Sorry,” she said softly, eyes to the floor as she swiped at her face. “I’m going to take a shower now.”

“Okay,” he nodded, taking a step back. “Do you want me to order you anything to eat?”

Rey made a face that perfectly reflected her body's thoughts on food at this very moment. Ben chuckled.

“It might help?” He offered, kindly.

“Maybe some soup and crackers,” Rey turned slowly, making her way to the shower. 

When she emerged again, feeling slightly better after soaping up her skin and letting the warm water run over her, Ben was pulling the food service cart into the room. Atop it were several bottles of water, packets of Alka-Seltzer and Advil, and silver covers over three dishes. 

“I asked for extra oyster crackers,” he told her, as she softly moved across the room to sit on the edge of the bed. The terry cloth bathrobe was large on her, although she found its bulk incredibly comforting. Ben pushed the cart in front of her, pulling off the warming lids.

Two soups and a BLT. Rey’s stomach raged in a mini-riot as the smell of bacon hit her. 

She picked up her spoon anyway. Something had to go into her system, even if it was just the broth. 

Ben was gathering his things from his suitcase. Rey took a spoonful of soup that instantly seared her tongue a little and started fanning her mouth. 

“ _Ah—_ what are you doing?”

Ben tucked the bundle of clothing under his arm. “I’m going to jump in the shower too. I smell like a human agave plant.” He plucked at his shirt, “Wouldn’t want to walk past an open flame with the ABV in this thing.”

Rey snorted, then frowned at the instant flash of pain that assaulted her temple. There was no winning today. She reached for the Advil packet. 

“I’m never drinking again,” she muttered, tossing the two tablets in her mouth and swallowing a gulp of cold water. 

“Interesting life choice for a sommelier.”

“I’m never drinking _tequila shots_ again,” she corrected.

“Now there’s a life goal I could get behind.”

She looked down at her soup. Steaming, taunting her with its dangerous heat. 

“You should wear the robe. It’s comfy,” she suggested. In her peripheral vision, Ben hesitated slightly, before moving towards the bathroom. 

  
  


***

  
  


Freshly showered, completely dry and naked, Ben looked at the terry cloth bathrobe wondering if she was right. It certainly looked comfortable enough. 

But then, that would lead to him and Rey in a hotel room in matching bathrobes and one bed and… well. Yeah. 

He tried to pull forth his memories from late the night before, but they were spotty at best. 

They danced. Someone got a round of bottled water (Finn, most likely). Rose convinced him to try to lift her like in Dirty Dancing, which resulted in her getting a face full of a disco light (she was fine, but couldn’t stop laughing about it for a long time after). Rey never got her chance to sing again (after a very hefty bribe to the DJ via Finn, again) and seemed to be hell-bent on enjoying herself for the rest of the night after the Dopheld exit. 

Finn wanted to take Poe home before “whiskey dick” could set in, which created a huge protest from Poe, who insisted he never got whiskey dick, he could drink _all_ the whiskey and his dick would be hard as ever, Finn would see! (Ben had to hand it to Finn, a stealthy master of reverse psychology if he ever saw one). 

Rose was all but poured into some handsome Australian’s lap, and she hissed that he not “cock block” her, after he told the Aussie that if he did anything inappropriate, Ben would find him on his kangaroo farm and choke him with a boomerang (to which he replied, “I’m a flight attendant, Mate!”).

It was mostly blurred flashing lights and snippets of blinking-memories. No wonder he felt like hot garbage today. They were all a mess.

The redhead came back around at some point, but Ben was thoroughly drunk by then and completely uninterested in anything other than making sure Rey was okay, as he watched her whirling like a dervish on the dance floor to _Last Dance_... 

Ben froze.

It came back to him in a rush. 

The redhead—the shocked look on her face when Rey shoved right past her and grabbed him by the shirt collar.

"Ben!" She shouted, followed by a cute little sway and a giggle. He used a hand to steady her as the redhead turned away in a huff.

"I think I'm drunk," she whined, curling her arms around him. And, since he was also drunk and loved the way she felt, he pulled her into him, and she let out a low hum of content.

"I wanna go home," she buried the words into his shoulder. He ran his hands up and down her mostly exposed back, which pulled a lower and deeper sound from her as she pressed closer.  

"Okay, I can probably get you a Lyft—" there was no way in hell he was letting her get a ride alone. But he could easily convince the driver to make two trips with a generous cash tip.

"I wanna go home with you," she said, quietly.

And that was enough. They were both wasted and it was probably a terrible idea, but just the mention of "home with you" made him think about them. Their old life. How it used to feel to come home to her. 

She _was_ his home. He felt himself starting to tear up. 

Holy fuck, he was drunk. 

He all but picked her up around the waist and threw her into a taxi that happened to be waiting outside. He wasn't entirely sure he had even said goodbye to anyone or if they were all still there when they had left.

She fell asleep in the cab and maybe he did too? He couldn't remember. The last thing he _did_ remember was coming out of the bathroom and feeling relieved that Rey was fast asleep, still fully clothed. He tripped over to the bed and landed heavily beside her.

They had dutifully avoided a very bad and very drunken mistake. 

And now, she was in the other room in nothing but a bathrobe. Ben shuddered in the cool bathroom air, the heat of his blood rushing downwards quickly. 

No, no, no, no. This was not what he needed right now. 

_Fucking Stanley!_

No bathrobe then. 

He pulled on black sweats and a gray tee. He contemplated just taking care of the issue quickly, but that should have been in the shower. It was too late now. She'd undoubtedly hear him. He tried to adjust himself the best way he could, hoping it would go unnoticed, so he could perhaps hide it behind one of the extra pillows on the bed. 

When he opened the bathroom door the room was quiet. He stepped out to see that Rey had abandoned her soup, which she had covered back up with the lid, and was now resting on her side facing in towards the bed, once more asleep. 

And again, he breathed a sigh of relief. He was elated to be in her presence but apprehensive about what could potentially happen here.

He took half the sandwich and ate quietly at the foot of the bed, the TV on the lowest sound setting as he watched an old rerun of M*A*S*H. 

By the time he finished the soup, his eyes were feeling itchy and heavy again. He popped the Advil and laid himself out on the bed, across from Rey.

She looked positively angelic in the soft, muted light of the room. He wanted to pull her in towards him. Kiss at her face, her hair. Hold her until she felt better.

But he would have to wait for her to make the first move. The events of last night were still too fresh. Still open and stinging. 

Knowing Rey, she'd be completely tearing herself apart. One painful piece at a time. Furious about how everything went down and her public slip of decorum. She would be mortified.

He needed her to know that he was here for her. No matter what.

Unable to fight the pull towards sleep any longer, Ben closed his eyes. 

It was dark when he reopened them. 

Rey was up, sitting at the edge of the bed like he had been, watching _Jeopardy_. 

“What is _the underworld_ ,” she said, quietly, through a muffled mouthful of sandwich. Alex Trebek parroted her on the screen, and she gave a triumphant little chuckle, pulling her elbow back in self-congratulations. 

She turned around when Ben sat up. 

“Roman mythology,” she told him, sucking some mayo off her thumb.

Ben smiled, rearranging the pillows on the bed, so he could lay against them upright. 

“Great. I loved that nerdy shit when I was in middle school.”

She finished off the last bite and stood, arranging the pillows on her side of the bed to copy his slightly reclined position. 

“Who is Bacchus,” she answered to the television, laying back and hooking her legs at the ankles. “That’s an easy one,” she turned her face and grinned towards Ben.

And Ben smiled back, taking it all in. Despite the overall cruddy feeling of his body, despite the dull ache his pain reliever couldn't seem to touch, this small fraction of time might have been one of the greatest moments in his life. Because she was _there_. She was still there.     

 

                                                                  

***

  
  


"How do you know that Poe bleaches his arsehole?" Rey blurted out through a mouthful of Singapore noodles. 

Spicy things always seemed to be her hangover cure in the past. Not that she had ever really experienced a hangover quite as violent as this one seemed to be. Even hours later, after four bottles of water, two separate doses of pain reliever and a nap, she still felt like crap. Probably for multiple reasons. At least now she had the desire to eat.

“How do you _not?"_ Ben laughed, shoveling a clump of pad thai into his mouth with some chopsticks. He shook his head as he chewed. “I think it’s printed on the back of his business cards.”

Rey, who was sitting across from him on the bed, legs tucked under her, fell to her side in laughter. This conversation was getting out of control. She sat back up with a happy sigh, shaking her head.

Ben chuckled, taking a few good stabs at his noodles.

“Rose text me to tell me that she was “resurrected” this morning,” he said in an amused tone. “Because Aussie guy “murdered her with his dick” last night", he shook his head with a pained wince. "I actually could have gone my _entire_ life without that visual and been just fine."

Rey’s mouth twisted in a silly little smile and she hummed, thoughtfully. “Australian dagger-dick. Think I read an article about that… They don’t circumcise there, you know?” She shoved in another mouthful. “Comes with its own sheath.”   

Ben stared at her, mouth agape, with just a hint of the corners curved up. 

“Oh, you are spending _far_ too much time with Poe,” he finally chuckled, unable to keep the smile from rising to his eyes.

“Says the guy who can’t stop raving about his sparkling, white arsehole,” she muttered into her noodles, grinning.

“It’s more like ballet slipper pink, but fair enough.”

Rey snorted. “There might be some boundary issues with this group.”

“Clearly,” he said with a smirk. "I'm sure we'll get an earful when they find out where we ended up."

And with that, her smile faded as her brows pitched downward. Had they even said goodbye to anyone? She didn't even remember leaving the bar. Ugh. What a mess.

He paused, looking down at the carton in his hand as he twisted it.

“I’m sorry about last night. I didn’t mean to cause… problems,” he said quietly, head still down, as he sat crossed legged, opposite of her. 

The sinking feeling of guilt washed over Rey again as she sighed deeply.

“I—” she closed her eyes and tipped her face to the ceiling. What was there to even say? I was a sloppy drunk mess who self-destructed before a public audience? I hurt someone who was nothing but lovely and dear to me, only to end up back here again with you? 

Because I still love you. I still love you, and I am so, _so_ afraid you are going to hurt me again. _Truly_ destroy me this time. Because all you do is let me down and I almost fell for it again… 

Because part of me _wants_ to. 

She shook her head. “I’m sorry too.” When she opened her eyes, Ben was observing her, woefully.

“You could call him?” He said, softly, in a sweet, encouraging kind of way. In a way Rey knew he didn’t mean, but he was trying his best to give advice any other friend would. “Explain what happened. Hell, blame it on me if you have to.”

Rey shook her head, the corner of her mouth tucking into her cheek in a sad little half-smile. 

“No, he deserves better than that.”

“Don’t say that, Rey. You’re—”

“Do you know what’s worse than hurting someone you love?” She abruptly interrupted him, her eyes raising to clash against his. 

Ben paused, his mouth slightly open and his brow furrowed. 

“No,” he swallowed roughly, his eyes dropping for a moment away from hers, guiltily. “No, I don’t.”

Rey could feel her lip quiver a little. “Hurting someone you know you don’t.”

  
  
***

  
  


He was sure she was going to leave after they ate. After they talked about Dopheld. He was sure she was going to leave when _The Late Show_ came on. He was sure she was going to leave at any point during the terribly censored version of _Silence of the Lambs_ they were watching.

But she stayed. She stayed until he happened to look over and see that once again, she had rolled to her side facing in towards him and fallen asleep.  

Ben smiled, shutting off the TV with the remote, before shifting down the bed to lay down himself.

He woke again in the early hours of the morning. The room was dark, only lit by the soft glow of the bathroom night light and sliver of warm street lights slipping in through a gap in the closed curtains. He could see her, and she was awake now too, blinking back at him sleepily in the dim room. 

It was deathly quiet. So silent it was as if the whole world had stopped. No noise in the suite, no noise in the hallway, no city sounds from outside. The entire planet on mute beside the soft, slow beating of his own heart. He swore that he could hear hers too.

They were exactly where they had fallen asleep, on opposite sides of the queen-sized bed on top of the bedding, still facing each other. 

He watched her eyes as they looked over him slowly. Her chest rose and fell with steady, soft breaths.

She shifted up on her arm, the rustling of her bathrobe on the bedding finally breaking the silence as she sat up slightly and leaned towards him. 

He met her in the middle, his mouth gently catching hers as his fingers brushed over her jaw, landing in the waves of her hair. 

The kiss was soft. Delicate. Forgiving. 

Ben’s hand drifted down, gripping at the rope tied around her waist as he effortlessly used it to pull her flush against him. She let out a soft gasp, her mouth only momentarily leaving his before her hands came to rest against his chest, and she melted into him. He slanted his mouth, deepening the kiss as he wrapped his arms around her fully, one below her body holding her at the waist, the other over her arm where his fingers could run through her hair once again. Their legs twined slowly and it felt as if she needed to be as close to him at this moment as he needed to be to her.  

Their lips parted, and he raised his mouth to her forehead, grazing it with another kiss before she snuggled down to nuzzle under his jaw. She inhaled deeply, hugging him tighter, her hands snaking around his waist to press into his back. 

Ben hummed, sleepily tracing a lazy circle onto the terry cloth at her hip with his thumb. This was perfection, he thought dreamily. She was perfection. His Rey. She was meant to be with him. Just like this. Forever. He was never so sure of something before. He had to fight for this. Keep this for the rest of his life.   

“Ben,” her voice was small, her lips brushing against his collar bone. Ben tightened his grip on her as a response. He could feel her fingers through the thin material of his shirt as they kneaded gently into the firm muscles of his back. There was a breath of hesitation, and he hung in anticipation, waiting for her next words.

“I’m ready to know,” her voice faint even though the world around them remained muted and softened. “About my parents.” 

His thumb stilled in its comforting swipes.

“Are you sure?”

She nodded, her hair gently tickling at his neck and arms. “I want to hear it from you. No one else.”

Ben took a deep breath and began to tell her all he knew about two ill-fated youths from Westminster. He took care to gently brush away the small trails of tears that seeped out of the corner of her eyes. To pepper her face with kisses, to keep her close and comforted and feeling safe. 

Eventually, their words fell away and her soft, settled breathing filled the air with the sound of her deep sleep. Ben continued to skim his fingertips at the hair along her temple, long after she fell asleep.   

“I’ll make it all up to you,” he confessed to sooty lashes against her creamy skin. “I don’t know how, but I’m going to find a way,” he promised the faint, tawny dusting of freckles over her cheekbones. His fingers drifted over them, and he ghosted a kiss to the tip of her nose. “I want to show you that I love you more than anything else. To prove it to you every day that I can.” His fingers toyed with a small lock of hair, twisting between the tips of them. “I want to be the man I know I can be, for you. For me. The man I should have been all along.”

He wanted to confess a million more things. Perhaps committing a single prayer and pledge to each freckled dot on her skin. To kiss each strand of hair and vow his devotion. Brush each inch of flesh with a promise it could hold onto until he returned.

Sleep was starting to pull at him once more, and he realized the rest of it was unnecessary. Promises and love sonnets to ear-shells, back-dimples, and foot arches were not going to be enough. Getting out of the _First Order_ and being here, with her, could be.     

    

 

***

  
  


Rey awoke with a familiar pair of solid arms coiled around her body. It didn’t matter that it had been nearly two years since she felt their weight, she knew exactly who it was.

Memories of the previous day and night floated in and out of her mind as she allowed herself a few more minutes to bask in the feeling of his stomach flush against her back. The rise and fall of it with each deep breath behind her. 

There was a part of her that wanted to jolt out of bed and throw her clothes on before the morning could truly light the room. Maybe even get out before he could see her. 

She chose to snuggle back deeper into his embrace. To steep in the smell of him, the warmth of heated skin in the places where his met hers. 

How did they end up here again?

Oh, right, she got loaded, made a fool out of herself, imploded her current relationship and hijacked his hotel stay. Right, right, right.

She dragged a hand over her face and frowned. What a fucking selfish arsehole she was. 

Behind her, Ben moaned softly, his arm around her waist tightening slightly, pressing her back into him. He let out a sigh against the side of her neck, nuzzling a little deeper.

The impending press of tears was suddenly threatened to take her over. _Fuck_ , why on earth would she be willing to do this to herself _again_?

Wasn’t it Einstein that warned about this? Doing the same damn thing over and over _and over_ , but expecting different results? 

She needed to leave. She should have never stayed; never cozied up next to her own definition of insanity and expected to wake to a different reality. They had gone too far. They _worked_ as friends. If they wanted to stay friends, they needed to keep it that way.   

Gently, she edged forward, trying carefully not to stir Ben in the process. She realized she had failed when he pulled her back towards him.

“No,” he grumbled sleepily, nosing against the skin exposed at the back of her neck. He pressed a soft kiss there and it sent goosebumps prickling all over her body. 

“I should go,” she whispered, attempting to move again. Again, he pulled her close. “I have to get up.”

“S’bullshit.”

Sure was. Rey sighed.

“We can’t keep doing this, Ben,” she said weakly, defeated.

She felt his breath still. It felt like an eternity before he let out a heavy sigh, hot against her skin.

“All I’ve wanted for almost two years is to wake up in the morning and find you here,” she could feel his lips on her as he said it, and she screwed her eyes shut to stop the damn tears again. 

“Stay,” he pressed another kiss into the soft skin behind her ear. “Please.”

She relaxed back, quickly finding sleep again, wrapped in his arms.

A few hours later she was jolted awake by a heavy knock at the door. She sat upright, twisting to look at Ben. Dazed for a second, he seemed confused before he jumped up with a curse.

“Shit,” he hissed, frantically running around the room, attempting to pull together some clothes. 

“Rise and shine, Benny!” Poe called from behind the wooden doorway.

Instinctively, Rey leaped off the bed, hurriedly gathering her things off of the floor. 

“I’m sorry,” Ben mouthed to her, attempting to straighten out his hair. “I forgot.” He offered, as she zipped past him to the bathroom, where she promptly shut the door and then collapsed against it. 

This was silly. She was a grown woman! Nearly thirty, for christ's sake! She didn’t need to be scurrying around like a guilty teenager. Yet, she stayed put. She listened as Ben opened the door to the room.

“Hey man,” Poe began, clearly stepping into the suite, most likely pushing past Ben without pause. “You getting in a morning wank or something?”

“Uh, no,” Ben said, lamely. “I... overslept. Forgot to set an alarm. I’m gonna need a minute.”

“Yeah, yeah, fine,” she heard Poe brush him off as she moved away from the door. Ben slipped in, a pair of jeans and a shirt slung over his arm. Rey quietly squeezed behind the door and waited for him to shut it. He went straight to the faucet and cranked the handle to full blast.   

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered as he turned. He shook his head, turning once again to face the faucet and reach for his toothbrush and toothpaste. He coated the bristles and shoved it in his mouth, hurriedly pulling his nightshirt over his head by the back collar.

Rey had seen him shirtless countless times. It never stopped being something that got her heart rate pounding. She stood, still silent near the door as she watched him, dumbstruck by it all.

“I forgot we had plans. He’s taking me—” his words were slightly mangled around the brush in his mouth. He spat into the sink and continued brushing. “God, I can’t believe I forgot.”

“It—It’s okay,” Rey hushed back, watching as he shucked off his sweatpants, leaving him in nothing but a snug pair of black underwear. He made a little curse, looking to the jeans he had strung up on one of the towel racks. He shook his head and whipped down the underwear too, stepping out of them. 

Rey held her breath as he hurriedly pulled one leg of the jeans on after the other, jumping once to shift them over his hips. When he zipped and buttoned them quickly, she felt her breath push out of her louder than she would have liked. He stilled at the noise, hands paused at the button, and tilted his head her way, toothbrush poking out of his mouth. A flush crept over his face, neck, and chest.

“Sorry,” he muttered as if he had just remembered he had an audience.

A blush stained high on her cheeks too. How stupid. She had seen every inch of this man. What was there to be embarrassed about?

She shook her head but didn’t say anything. He rinsed out his mouth, gave a few more tugs to his hair in the mirror and turned to her, switching off the faucet. He grabbed his shirt from the towel rack and pulled it on over his head. A dark grey henley that hugged to him in a way that only further heated Rey’s cheeks.

He stepped forward and tugged it down his torso, covering up his exposed abs.

“Rey,” he was standing before her now, his voice just loud enough for her to hear. She looked up, and his expression hardened a little. It surprised her. He was actually _frowning_ at her.

Maybe he was going to agree with what she was trying to tell him earlier? They couldn’t keep doing this. This was incredibly stupid. Too hurtful. It would be best for everyone if they kept it platonic. 

“I have to go back to New York,” and still, her heart sank. Despite the obvious knowledge that was the plan all along, somehow, some way… she had maybe hoped…

 _Insanity_ , her own mind chided her.

She nodded wordlessly. To New York. To the _First Order_ , his true love. 

“There’s still more that needs—”

“Dude, are you okay in there?” Poe’s voice was dangerously close to the door and it made Rey’s eyes open wide and look behind her nervously. “We gotta be there by 10:30, we’re cutting it pretty close—”

“Yup!” Ben called loudly over her shoulder towards the door. “Be right out.”

He looked back at her, his brow still furrowed, throat working. 

“Yesterday, last night, was—”

“A mistake. I know.”

“What? No, Rey, I—”

“Is there someone in there with you?” Poe laughed. “Unbelievable! Wrap it up, we have an appointment to make.” 

Ben looked like he could punch a hole through the door. “Could you imagine, _if just once_ , you minded your own business?” he snapped. 

“Yeah, no fun there,” Poe mused. 

He looked down to Rey once more, jaw set, before placing a swift, chaste kiss on her temple. 

“Let’s talk later,” and then he quickly slid out the door. 

“Oh what, you’re not even going to tell me? You’re just going to keep me guessing about your mystery guest?” She heard Poe tease. Ben made a grunt in response. “Doesn’t matter, we have all day together, I’ll get it out of—” he stopped mid-sentence. 

Rey’s heart stilled in her chest. Quiet hissed whispers came from behind the door, and she turned, pressing her ear against it to hear what was being said.

Finally, Ben sighed, irritably.

“Can we just go?”

“Yes, yes, houses don’t sell themselves. I don’t suppose you’ve mentioned—”

“GO!”

“See you later, Rey!” Rey’s spine snapped rigidly, and she heard Poe’s laughter transfer into the hallway before the door to the room slammed shut.

She slumped against the bathroom door. 

After a few more moments, she emerged, almost half expecting Poe to jump out from behind the wall with a “Gotcha Sunshine!”

Hanging right on the arm of a chair was her red dress. Exactly where she had deposited it the day before, after her shower. Not much mystery there. No wonder how he knew it was her, trapped in the bathroom like a coward. 

With a sigh, she started to get dressed and her phone buzzed against the hardwood of the nightstand. She checked it as she pulled on her coat.

 

**POE: You are both SO grounded**

**POE: SPANKINGS ALL AROUND!**

**POE: Oh, and Finn totally owes me 20 bucks!**

 

She rolled her eyes, dropping her phone into her pocket. Another new message chimed in, and she pulled it back out.

  
  


**BEN: Sit tight, Finn is going to bring you a change of clothes and give you a ride home**

  
  


Great. She could already see his narrowed, teasing eyes and smug smirk. She shouldered off her coat and dropped it onto the bed. Well, if Finn were coming to get her anyway, she had time to take another shower before he arrived. 

Her phone dinged again. 

  
  


**ROSE: THE RISE OF REYLO! A TRILOGY!**

  
  


Rey pressed a hand to her forehead.

“God damn it, Poe.”

  
  


 

 

PRT.2 (Waking Up)

 

  
  


Ben paced his apartment back in New York, phone held to his ear. 

“C’mon Rey,” he ground out through clenched teeth. The automated message of her voicemail kicked in, and he cursed, chucking his phone violently into the leather of his couch. 

She had been avoiding him. _For weeks!_

It had been two months since their night spent together, and she had virtually disappeared. She didn’t answer his calls, hardly responded to his texts in more than one or two words. It made him want to pull his own hair out!

Reaching down he snatched up his phone and pulled up the contact for Dr. Kenobi’s office. He paused, switching back to Rey’s text messages.

  
  


**BEN: STOP AVOIDING ME!**

 

Dots at bottom of his screen flashed in and out as his phone threatened to be crushed in his grip.

Finally, a response.

  
  


**REY: I need some time.**

  
  


“Oh, come _on!_ ” He raged, angrily dragging a hand through his hair. In a fiery fit of frustration, he typed out rapid messages. 

 

 

**BEN: Time from WHAT? All I want to do is talk to you!**

**BEN: What are you so afraid of, Rey?**

**BEN: This is fucking ridiculous!**

  
  


He could feel his throat tightening. Feel the bite of tears in his eyes. 

A notification dropped down from the top of his phone. 

  
  


**::NEW PICTURE MESSAGE FROM BAZINE NETAL::**

  
  


_Fucking great._ Ben rolled his eyes and tapped the message.

It was a selfie on a bed, taken at such an angle that he could clearly see the curve of her milky, naked ass over one of her colorful shoulders. Behind her was a floor-to-ceiling window showing off the New York skyline. 

  
  


**BAZINE: Forgive me?**

  
  


Ben blew out a breath and switched back to Rey’s conversation. 

  
  


**REY: I’m sorry**

  
  


Ben stared at the words before he started thumbing away at his phone.

“Yeah, me too,” he muttered to the empty apartment.

  
  


***

  
  


Rey’s hands trembled as she looked down at her phone. 

All she could offer him was a pitiful “I’m sorry”. After weeks of circumventing conversation. Not answering his multiple calls. Not properly responding to messages. She didn’t even answer the door when he came to say goodbye before going back to New York. 

She just couldn’t. Standing frozen in the doorway of her bedroom, listening to him call her name from the other side of her apartment door. She was too to terrified let him in. What would happen? What would she _let_ happen? There would be no control. It would be a multiple-alarm fire that would consume her till her bones were ash. She would be nothing but soot and char, and then he would be gone. Again.

It was all just _too much_. And all too soon.  

Dopheld had come by when she was at work one night shortly after what she liked to call “The Karaoke Shitshow” and left his key slipped under the mat. She was grateful she didn’t have to face him herself, but still ashamed of her actions, 

She opened her messages to Finn.

  
  


**REY: Can I come over?**

**FINN: Of course. Is everything okay?**

  
  


Rey gave a helpless little laugh to herself. “No, not really.”

Within half an hour, she was on Finn and Poe’s couch, a hot cup of tea in her hands. 

“I’m a mess,” she confessed quietly, watching the steam silently rise up from the mug. 

“Love is messy, baby,” Finn sighed, shaking his head. “It’s not all like Corinthians says—kind and patient and not easily angered. Records are kept, people get hurt, they hurt others. Love stretches and grows with us or it seizes and snaps. It’s a lot more complicated than people want to make it out to be.” He paused and put a thoughtful hand over Poe’s knee. 

Poe, who was completely engrossed in whatever was on his laptop, started a little, realizing he was being pulled into this conversation. He pushed his glasses up his nose a bit and nodded, looking to Rey.

“Right,” he added, clearly distracted. “What Karen Theans says,” he offered lamely, eyes going back down to his screen. 

Finn watched him, jaw tightening ever so slightly. He sent an amused glance her way.

“There may be some truth to that patience bit, though,” he muttered. Gently, he pushed Poe’s laptop closed.

“Hey!”

“Love, Rey is looking for our help, you can feed your dragons later,” he offered quietly. Poe pouted for just a flash before he nodded, shifting his laptop to the side, looking at Rey seriously.

“Listen, I don’t know what makes this Corrine Simmons an expert on love—” next to him, Finn rolled his eyes and wrapped his hand over his mouth to hide his smile. “But, yeah, love is not easy. Especially monogamous love. There are just so many _rules!_ ” He said exasperated, shaking his head. “Here’s the thing though, when you find that person, the reward outweighs the risk of getting hurt. And that can be a little… scary.”   

“Doesn’t feel like it should be,” Rey murmured.

Finn hummed, picking up his phone as it’s notification light flashed. He frowned. “Looks like Rose is stopping by too.”  

“Impromptu snack party!” Poe jumped up excitedly, scurrying off to the kitchen.

Rey sighed and slumped back on the couch. 

“What am I going to do?” She groaned.

“Here’s a crazy idea,” Finn offered lightly, eyebrows raised as he took a small sip of his tea. “You could be honest with yourself for once and follow your feelings.”

“I _am_ honest with myself!” Rey cried, offended.

“Sure, Jan.”

“Besides, I did that once and it all ended with me crying in a rose garden on my best friend's wedding day,” she grumbled. 

“Things are different now.”

Rey made a frustrated noise through gritted teeth.

“No, they aren’t! I’m still here, Ben is still… _everywhere else!_ He’s never going to leave the _First Order!_ He’s never going to choose _me!_ ” Without realizing it, Rey’s voice had become strained, borderline hysterical, even. She slapped a hand over her mouth, wishing she could suck the words right back in through her fingers. It was too late. The truth was out now. The raw, aching core of it, exposed.

“Oh, Sis,” Finn said gently, his dark eyes softening as he reached out to touch her knee. “You don’t—”

Rose came bustling through the door in a flurry.

“Uhhh _fuck!_ ” she whined in a hurry, running past them, frantically pulling off her coat. “I’m totally gonna puke!”

Rey and Finn exchanged confused looks before they both jumped off the couch and followed her to stand before the closed bathroom door.

“Rose,” Rey called, ear against the wood. On the other side of the door, Rose sputtered a few coughs. “Are you okay?”

“Uggh,” was Rose’s reply, before the toilet flushed. 

Finn and Rey both backed up from the door when it opened a minute or so later and Rose stepped out with a deep sigh.

“This sucks,” was all she said.

The back of Finn’s hand landed on her forehead. 

“No fever...”

Rose swatted his hand away gently. “I’m fine. Sorry about that,” she gave them both a smile. “So, Rey and Ben are having another meltdown?” she said breezily.

Rey’s mouth fell open. 

“No! That’s not—”

“Wow, you’re such a bad liar,” Rose said with a friendly eye roll, as she floated past Rey, back towards the living room. 

“Hey!” Rey sent an incredulous look toward Finn, who shrugged one shoulder with a cocked brow. 

“I don’t know why you two insist on doing this irritating back and forth all the time,” she said as she sat herself down on the couch, one leg tucked underneath her. 

Poe came back in, holding a tray with a series of bowls, which he placed on the coffee table before them.

“God, I know,” he chimed in, taking a seat across from Rose and Rey and popping a mini pretzel in his mouth. “I used to think the sexual tension was kinda hot, now I just wish you two would figure it out, so we can all go on a group vacation or something. The _“will-they, won’t-they, do they, don’t they”_ , has really worn down my dirtiest of daydreams about you two.”     

“You need help,” Rey laughed, shaking her head.

Poe grinned, crunching on another pretzel. “I have a robust imagination,” he nodded to Rose. “What’s with you Tico?”

“Oh, I just puked my brains out for the third time today,” Rose said casually reaching forward and loading a pita chip with hummus.

“Huh,” Poe tutted with a frown.

“It’s been a crazy few days, guys. I usually feel better aft—” she began, before her eyes got wide, and she popped straight up. “Nope, hold on!” She yelled as she hurried back out of the room.

The three remaining friends all exchanged glances before Finn got back up to check on her. 

“Anyway, Sunshine,” Poe began again, leaning back and relaxing a little. “You two have been doing this dance for long enough. Time to get on with your lives, preferably together.”

Rey shook her head and gave an annoyed sigh.

“Why does everyone think this is so easy! Ben is chained to the _First Order_. There is no _room_ for anything else! I’m not going to uproot everything I have been working so hard for to sit around his apartment for half the year waiting for him to come home!”

Poe gave her a curious look, tilting his head to the side. 

“When was the last time you talked to Ben?”

“W-well—” she stuttered, flushing a little. “I—I have been a little busy—”

“Avoiding him.”

She cringed. “I… I needed some time. The Dopheld thing and the hotel...” she let the sentence taper off on its own.

He grunted, an odd little smirk on his face. 

“Right,” he said with a sigh and a shake of his head, eyebrows raised high. “I guess this is on me then.”

“Huh?”

Poe leaned forward a grin spreading wide on his face. 

“Sunshine, what did you think me and Ben were up to that day you pitifully hid in the bathroom and pretended like you weren’t there?”

She scowled at him, folding her arms. “It wasn’t pitiful…” she muttered.

“ _Pitiful!_ ” He cried out with a laugh. 

She laughed too. “Oh, whatever.”

“I was picking Ben up, so we could go look at houses.”

Rey stared at him, not understanding.

“What’s wrong with this house?”

Poe rolled his eyes and his head back. 

Then it hit her. 

“Ben’s buying a house?”

“Bought. He closed on it last week.” 

Rey blinked back at him, disbelieving.

“But what about the _First Order?_ W-what about _World View?_ Or California? New York?” 

Poe’s eyes practically sparkled as they crinkled in the corners.

“What about them?”

Rey could feel herself starting to tremble again. A raw mix of excitement and fear and delight raged through her. _Hope._ Maybe that’s what it was?

A scream cried out from the other room and both she and Poe immediately shot up from their respective couches.

“Finn?” Poe called, charging down the hall, Rey hot on his heels.

In the hallway, Finn had his arms wrapped around Rose’s shoulders, mushing her little face tightly against his chest. 

“What the—” Poe began.

“We’re gonna be _Uncles!_ ” Finn yelled out before Poe could finish.

“ _Help_ ,” Rose grunted to them from under Finn’s tight embrace.

“What?” Rey asked, looking to her friend with wide eyes. “Rose are you..?”

Finn relinquished his grip on Rose for her to take a step back. She took a deep breath and nodded.

“Yup. I’m pregnant,” a glowing smile bloomed across her face. 

An excited scream slipped from Rey too, as she clapped her hands to her face. 

“Holy shit!” Poe exclaimed, rushing forward to grab up his small friend and give her a whirl. She giggled until he put her down and Rey could move forward to wrap her in a hug as well.

“It’s still really early,” she began cautiously. “But I took seven tests yesterday—”

“Seven tests?!” Rey pushed her back to look down at her. Rose was beaming as she laughed and nodded her head. 

“One of each brand. I had to be sure! And then I went to the doctor this morning and, yeah... baby Tico due to arrive in about 32 weeks.” She made a high-pitched little scream and shook her balled up fists with excitement.

“Oh my God,” Poe said, a little breathless, his hand on his heart. “I can’t believe we’re having a baby, guys!”

“Rose,” Finn said, seriously, taking her by the shoulders. “I’m not going to ask you about the father—”

“It’s that Australian guy. We used a condom but—”

“—If it’s okay with you,” Finn continued, face stone serious. “I would like for our baby to address me as “Mother"."

“ _What?_ ” Rose cackled, absolutely lit with amusement. 

“They can call you Mommy or Mama or whatever but I would like to be,” he struck a pose, holding his hand up high and lifting his chin. “ _Mother._ ”

Rose hummed thoughtfully. “You know, now that I’m thinking about it, that is pretty perfect.”

Finn flashed a glorious smile.

“I haven’t told Ben yet, so no spilling until I call him tomorrow!” Rose warned wagging a finger at the three of them. Poe and Finn nodded dutifully.

“Oh sure,” Rey said with a teasing huff. “Keep _her_ secrets.”

 

                                                                            

***

 

The bell above the doorway jingled as Ben entered the small café. A warm, soft wave of roasted beans and baked sweets mingling with the toasty smell of wood burning in a fireplace rolled over him. 

He saw her right away, off to the left, midnight inked hair pulled up in a high ponytail, a dark blue sweater showing off her bare, vibrant shoulders. She was sipping her drink, gazing out the window, watching the snowfall.

In their time together, he never really got to truly know Bazine the way a real boyfriend or partner would. Watching her now, like this, vulnerable and unaware of his gaze, he realized that there was a softer beauty to her he had not seen before. Something gentle and warm, she purposely kept hidden from the world.

She turned her head and saw him and it instantly evaporated, replaced with something harder, more sharp and seductive. She practically purred at him as she stood, reaching up to wrap her arms around his neck.

“I’m glad you came,” she whispered in his ear, a palm pressing into his shoulder. She made an attempt to give him a kiss, but Ben politely turned his face, her mouth landing on his cheek instead. Unaffected, she backed away, still smiling.

“A coffee shop isn’t exactly what I had in mind, but this place is kind of adorable,” she said, sinking back down onto her seat. A server stepped up beside him, wide eyes darting back and forth between him and Bazine in a way that told Ben she was most definitely a “Benzine” follower. He ordered a black coffee and she hurried away. 

“So,” Bazine began, once again lifting her mug to her lips. “How have you been?”

An hour or so later, Ben rose to stand and Bazine stood up beside him with a sigh.

“Well,” she said with a little chuckle, lifting her coat off the back of her chair. Ben reached forward and took it from her, holding it up for her to slip into. She smiled, turning and sliding her arms in. “I’ll be honest, this isn’t how I thought tonight would go, but I have to say I’m glad that it did.”

Ben smiled and nodded. “Yeah, I’m glad we did this.” He pulled on his own coat, tossing his gloves on the table briefly.

Bazine paused, looking up at him as he buttoned up his coat. 

“You’re a good guy, Ben,” she said softly. He looked up to see that the more quieted, reflective side of her had once again returned. Her striking blue eyes were kind and gentle, maybe even a little sad. He felt his ears getting hot under her gaze. “Rey is one lucky girl.”

He exhaled a deep sigh, picking up his gloves from the table and putting them on. He paused, shooting her a side glance.

“You really always knew?” 

She gave him a halfhearted shrug with a smirk. “You’re not as cryptic as you may think.”

He huffed out a little laugh at that. “Right.”

“Well,” she rocked on her toes slightly, fanning her arms out at her sides. “I guess this is goodbye then.”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

She stepped forward, giving him a hug.

“Thank you, Ben,” she stepped back and gave him one last small smile. “Good luck.”

When he got back to his apartment, he poured himself a glass of water, resting his lower back against his sink. He still had months left on his lease, and he considered potentially keeping the apartment for anyone who wanted to use it. He figured Rey would probably need to stay there again when she came back for her second exam in two months. 

If she came around by then, that is. 

Ben frowned and pulled his phone out from his back pocket. 

  

**::3 MISSED CALLS FROM REY::**

  
  


“Fuck!” He spat, fumbling to hit the callback button. 

It rang twice before going to voicemail once again. Ben sighed heavily and sagged back against the counter. 

He got a notification from Instagram, which he opened distractedly. 

 **#Benzine** was rising in the trending ranks, with a picture clearly taken from one of the tables in the coffee shop of him and Bazine, laughing. 

_Oh, no._

He closed the app and tried Rey again. 

No answer. 

Panicking, he tried to steady his shaking hands as he pinched the bridge of his nose. God-damn it, even when he was trying to do the right thing, it came off to look like the wrong thing! 

His phone began ringing in his hand and it startled him so much he almost tossed it across the room.

“Rey!” He answered brusquely. 

“Ben, listen, I owe you a—”

“No,” he corrected shortly, his frustration getting the better of him. “No, _you_ listen! I understand that I have made terrible choices and that I hurt you in deeper ways than anyone else probably ever has. And I _understand_ that it’s going to take a long time for you to trust me again, and that could mean you may never be able to trust me with your heart, and _I get that._ Honestly, I do. But we — we are _so_ far past not talking to each other when things get rough between us! We tried that once and it didn’t work. We said we wouldn’t do it again. It was a promise we made to each other because we are _friends_. Above everything else, Rey, you are my best friend and I _need_ you!”

He had worked himself into a fit, storming back and forth from kitchen to living room and back.

“Furthermore,” he ranted, pointing a finger in the air as if she could see him. “It’s okay for you to be scared. _I’m scared!_ I am so afraid of all of this! I feel like I’m on a fucking tightrope with no safety net and it’s fucking terrifying! But you disappearing from my life is not something I can handle right now! I need you to _know_ that, Rey.”

The line was silent and Ben sighed.

“Also, I want you to know that I had coffee with Bazine tonight before you see it online.”

A pause. “Okay…”

“I had an emergency session with Doctor Kenobi today and I felt like the closure and saying a proper goodbye to her was in our best mutual interest. She needed to know for sure that I would not be coming back to her.”     

“Didn’t she dump you?”

“Yes, but then she was in New York today and sent me a nude photo—”

“ _What?_ ” Rey blanched.

“I _deleted_ it, and as I said, I made sure she knew that this was a door that was permanently closed.”

“Okay…” Rey repeated.

“So…” he paused, feeling the tension inside him slowly start to unfurl. He cleared his throat, suddenly at a loss for words.

“Are you really leaving the _First Order?_ ” she asked quietly.

Ben sat on the arm of the couch with a sigh, hands resting on both of his knees, phone cradled between his shoulder and ear. 

“Kay becomes the official CEO of First Order Media at the beginning of the month. There’s still some paperwork and last minute teasing out of details to be done, but yes. I make the public announcement on the 29th.”

She sniffed. 

“What about _World View?_ ”

He sighed heavily again, dragging a hand through his hair. His baby. He was saddest to see that go. 

“We’ve been talking with Jessika Pava to have her take over as a host. Turns out _Brain Eaters 2_ wasn’t exactly box-office gold, and she was looking for a change of pace in her career.” 

Another sniffle, followed by yet another.

“You love that show, Ben,” she said, her voice sounding watery and heavy. He could tell by now that she was crying.

“I know,” he said, softly.

More sniffles followed and Ben listened on the line as he nervously picked at a loose thread at the knee of his pant seam. 

“Sweetheart,” he said gently. “Don’t cry.”

And with that, she howled, and the sobbing began. 

“I am such a hypocrite!”

“You’re not, it’s okay—”

“It’s _not!_ ”

“It will be,” he assured.

She took a few deep, gulping breaths. “It has to be, right?” She asked with a tear rattled laugh.

He laughed too. “Right.”

When she stopped crying, they talked for a little while longer, until he could at least tell she was no longer upset. Eventually, her voice got thicker, and he could tell she was at risk for falling asleep. 

“We should get to bed,” he said, rolling over in his bed to look at his bedside clock.

“Yeah,” she agreed with a sigh. 

Ben paused, a feeling of calmness coming over him. 

“Rey,” he started, surprised at his own tranquil heart. In the past, it never felt like this. Always fearful, always nerve-wracking and horrifying. Now, he felt like what he was about to say was his most solid and factual truth. Like the sky being blue, or the ocean being salty. It just _was_. 

“I love you.” 

It was silent for a beat before she answered.

“I love you too, Ben." Another pause. "But I—this... we—”

“I know,” he shushed gently. “I’ll be there. When you’re ready.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter left... and an epilogue, of course.


End file.
